Have you ever worked with someone who was just bound and determined to be unhappy with your work and get you into trouble? I work in a community college, dealing with students, faculty, staff, and tutors. From time to time, I encounter this sort of person. I really hate it when I am caught between them and the person they are trying to get in trouble. Customer service dictates that you should solve the problem for the customer (usually a student), but when I know the person is wrong and the tutor is in the right and behaving correctly, it makes it hard.

I am very empathetic. I feel both of the involved parties’ feelings. I also feel trapped and powerless and like I should repair everything and it is somehow my fault. Heck, I even apologize for bad weather. It comes from always being told that anything that went wrong was my fault all my childhood. Feeling responsible for any and every thing that goes wrong makes for many sleepless nights, migraines, upset stomachs, and lots of depression and anxiety. My PTSD flairs up. I have night terrors so bad that I can’t even remember who I am when I wake up. What do I do about it?

Firstly, I write it all down in my journal. Seeing it helps my brain take charge and helps my emotions/mood stabilize. The words have power. They create a feeling/illusion of control that I desperately need. Like putting things up in the proper places and decluttering my mind. The balance I achieve this way helps me help both sides. I still feel anxious and afraid of dealing with the instigator, but I find the courage to handle them. I use my empathy to help them see the other side. Like showing them the heads and tails of a quarter.

To do this effectively, I have to cope ahead. Practice and rehearse meeting and listening to the persons in question. I go through the worst case scenario. What will I likely hear? How should I respond? What could I say or do? I often complete a pros and cons list for both sides, too. This helps me illuminate the darkness between the two of them.

If all goes well, I am out of the middle. I don’t have to defend anyone to anyone else and the situation is resolved. This is usually what happens. When it doesn’t get resolved, I begin to actively avoid the situation. My depression and PTSD increase. My BPD fear of abandonment and impulsivity take charge. I will sometimes do or say things that I really regret. Make things worse. When this happens, I have to remove myself from the situation. I can’t help anyone once I reach the point where my demons are calling the shots.

To recover my control, I have to be alone. Totally alone. No other person around. I stare into space until my panic attack and migraine settle down. I then try to exorcise the feelings by writing them down. All the negatives I’m feeling are scribbled on a piece of paper that is thrown away or burned. Or I’ll use a marker and write them on my body then wash them off. Either one is an act of purification. Then, I can remain distant and apart from the problem. I will do only what I am required to do. I stop trying to help anyone, because I have to help myself, first. People may have trouble with the abrupt change in behavior, but once I explain my mental health, they are usually understanding. If they aren’t, I really don’t need them in my life. They will only hurt me like they are a cactus with long spines. Handling the cactus with bare hands will cause damage to my skin. The person will cause damage to my mind.

I have taken 50+ years to learn this. I now use DBT and mindfulness to handle my urges, mood, and emotions. They help me and help others when I show them how to use them. Where I once couldn’t handle conflict, I can now usually make it better. If I can’t, I’ve finally learned to let it go.