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Empathy and Conflict Resolution: Finding Balance

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Have you ever worked with someone who was just bound and determined to be unhappy with your work and get you into trouble? I work in a community college, dealing with students, faculty, staff, and tutors. From time to time, I encounter this sort of person. I really hate it when I am caught between them and the person they are trying to get in trouble. Customer service dictates that you should solve the problem for the customer (usually a student), but when I know the person is wrong and the tutor is in the right and behaving correctly, it makes it hard.

I am very empathetic. I feel both of the involved parties’ feelings. I also feel trapped and powerless and like I should repair everything and it is somehow my fault. Heck, I even apologize for bad weather. It comes from always being told that anything that went wrong was my fault all my childhood. Feeling responsible for any and every thing that goes wrong makes for many sleepless nights, migraines, upset stomachs, and lots of depression and anxiety. My PTSD flairs up. I have night terrors so bad that I can’t even remember who I am when I wake up. What do I do about it?

Firstly, I write it all down in my journal. Seeing it helps my brain take charge and helps my emotions/mood stabilize. The words have power. They create a feeling/illusion of control that I desperately need. Like putting things up in the proper places and decluttering my mind. The balance I achieve this way helps me help both sides. I still feel anxious and afraid of dealing with the instigator, but I find the courage to handle them. I use my empathy to help them see the other side. Like showing them the heads and tails of a quarter.

To do this effectively, I have to cope ahead. Practice and rehearse meeting and listening to the persons in question. I go through the worst case scenario. What will I likely hear? How should I respond? What could I say or do? I often complete a pros and cons list for both sides, too. This helps me illuminate the darkness between the two of them.

If all goes well, I am out of the middle. I don’t have to defend anyone to anyone else and the situation is resolved. This is usually what happens. When it doesn’t get resolved, I begin to actively avoid the situation. My depression and PTSD increase. My BPD fear of abandonment and impulsivity take charge. I will sometimes do or say things that I really regret. Make things worse. When this happens, I have to remove myself from the situation. I can’t help anyone once I reach the point where my demons are calling the shots.

To recover my control, I have to be alone. Totally alone. No other person around. I stare into space until my panic attack and migraine settle down. I then try to exorcise the feelings by writing them down. All the negatives I’m feeling are scribbled on a piece of paper that is thrown away or burned. Or I’ll use a marker and write them on my body then wash them off. Either one is an act of purification. Then, I can remain distant and apart from the problem. I will do only what I am required to do. I stop trying to help anyone, because I have to help myself, first. People may have trouble with the abrupt change in behavior, but once I explain my mental health, they are usually understanding. If they aren’t, I really don’t need them in my life. They will only hurt me like they are a cactus with long spines. Handling the cactus with bare hands will cause damage to my skin. The person will cause damage to my mind.

I have taken 50+ years to learn this. I now use DBT and mindfulness to handle my urges, mood, and emotions. They help me and help others when I show them how to use them. Where I once couldn’t handle conflict, I can now usually make it better. If I can’t, I’ve finally learned to let it go.

Understanding Time Perception: Age vs. Mindfulness

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I don’t know about you, but I find that time does 2 very different things lately. Each day seems to last forever. But then, a week is gone before I even know it. A month, a year, goes even faster. Is it an effect of age? Is it an effect of mindfulness?

If it’s my age, it’s because I am getting older and have more to remember. I just can’t keep up with everything that happened a day ago. I make my to do list and check it off as I go, so I know I’ve done things. I can look around and see that I’ve done things like start seeds, water my plants, clean the house. While I’m doing them, they seem to last forever, though. Cleaning up the kitchen seems to be taking an hour, but I look at the clock and see that I only took 10 minutes. Binge watching TV seems to be fleeting, but then I look up and it has been hours, and I can’t remember what I watched. Is that because the TV isn’t as engaging as it once was? Am I just checking out and not paying attention because it isn’t important? I am usually crocheting while I watch, so maybe I’m paying more attention to the yarn and hook than the show.

Of course, if it’s mindfulness, it’s not something I’ve ever heard or read of in respect to mindfulness. I know you focus on the present, not the past or the future. Is that why the past and future seem so intangible and rapid? the present so long and lengthy timewise in comparison? I try to be mindful because I find it helps with my stress and anxiety. If I’m not reliving the mistake I made 3 weeks ago, I am healthier and happier. If I’m not worried about getting tasks done at work, I am more productive and more proficient. In both cases, the past and future seem to fly by and not linger, while the present is all there is.

I think I’ve decided I’m feeling a combination of the 2. Rarely is something all one thing or another. I think it much more likely for things to blend into a combination, like red and white make pink. Different amounts of red or white will give you a different value of pink. I think age and mindfulness do the same. Pale pink is my focus on the present versus the focus on past or future. Dark pink is the fact that I just have so much to remember now that it is hard to hold all of the past and future equally in place. It isn’t a bad thing. In fact, it seems to be making me more secure and content with my life. Healthier. Happier. I can plan. I can track. I just don’t focus on the time that has gone or is coming. I have no real control over time. Only my perception of it. So, I think I’ll stick with my mindful focus on the present and my not worry about my age causing me to have less attention for the past and future.

Managing Emotional Tiredness: Tips for a Dull Day at Work

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Well, I’m having one of those days where I just seem to be stuck in the mud. Can’t get anywhere. I’ve already done everything I am supposed to do today at work. I have 4 more hours. It feels like the mud is drying. And this is about as exciting as watching mud dry.

I know that according to DBT, I should be mindful and pay attention to the little things that are actually happening at this moment in this place. Participate in what is happening. The problem with those is that no one is doing anything except sitting there gazing into their computers (I work in a tutoring center in a library). I did try writing letters to my pen pals. I got all but 1 finished. I’m too tired emotionally to write another good letter, so I’m letting that wait. I can’t exactly get out a deck of cards and play some poker with the tutors. Not very professional. So, any ideas? The firewall on the school’s network is such that you can’t go to any “fun” sites. So no computer games. I could nosh on some popcorn. That could provide some diversion, but I have to be careful not to eat too much. Trying to lose weight. So, I’ve decided to write. To get my mind unstuck and get the flotsam out of it.

So, participate. I’ll write this entry. I’ll have my popcorn. Then, if nothing else has come up, I’ll take a nap under the desk, just kidding. With my luck I’d get caught.

I’m trying not to get stuck within my head. It’s not a good place for me to go. I start beating myself up like Godzilla unleashing on Tokyo. I know I don’t deserve to be treated badly, not even by my own mind, but I do it any way. I was taught to see myself as less than human. Ugly. Stupid. Disgusting. Useless. A waste of space. My parents did a very good job of that, and no one at school really helped undo it. They all thought I was weird. Now, people tell me I am intimidating, so I don’t get a lot of positive feedback these days, either.

Why am I intimidating? I guess because I don’t let people get close until I know they are safe. I don’t want to be hurt any more, so I keep them at a distance until I decide if they can be trusted. I guess I also expect others to do their jobs and do them well, so that intimidates them, too. I have high standards, and not everyone meets them. Don’t get me wrong. I deliberately try not to judge anyone else. I know how much that hurts.

OK. This afternoon: popcorn, letter writing, thinking about myself in positive terms, and no beating myself up. I think that will be a full afternoon.