Spring

Has it really been this long?

/ lafbatblog / Leave a comment

I haven’t been taking care of myself for the past few months. I’ve neglected my health, my hobbies, my mind. I was working extra to make up for the fact that my boss left for greener pastures. I was trying to do everything for everyone else. I let all those people talk me into trying to get the promotion to my boss’s position. I didn’t listen to myself. I didn’t take care of myself.

I’ve been sleeping very poorly. Terrible nightmares about being powerless and unable to effect or change anything. Not being able to turn on lights in a room. Not being able to walk. Not being able to talk or answer others. That’s when I did sleep. I’d wake up feeling like I hadn’t slept at all. Other nights, I just laid there awake while my mind ran sprints. Did I get everthing done? Was everyone happy with my performance? What would people think if I didn’t apply for the job, followed by what would people think if I didn’t get the job? Then once a week, usually Saturday, I’d crash and sleep for 12 or more hours. I’d still feel like I couldn’t get enough rest.

I’d been binge eating, again. I gained 20 pounds. I just couldn’t seem to stop myself. Even though it would hurt after I ate so much. In fact, it’s been hurting whenever I eat. No matter what I eat or how much or how little. Frequent visits to the bathroom to empty my stomach. None of that helping me feel better.

I am behind on my crafting for Christmas gifts. Mostly because when I came home from work, all I did was take a shower, eat supper, then go to bed. I was totally worn out from work. Too many people to deal with. My introverted soul just couldn’t take all the people I was dealing with. It exhausted me emotionally and mentally.

This past weekend, I realized what I was doing to myself. I realized my body was telling me that I didn’t want the promotion. I was trying to make everyone else happy and not thinking about me. So, what did I do?

I began getting up and walking, for the first time since December. I’ve begun planning my meals and not eating everything in sight. I went to bed early and slept without nightmares. It was like I finally listened to myself. And when I did, I began to feel better.

I didn’t get the promotion. And I’m actually glad that I didn’t. I’d be lying if I said that I’m not worried about the reactions of all the people who pushed me to apply for the promotion. I am. I fear they will see me as incompetent and defective. However, I’ve been returning to my DBT work. I’m journaling, again. Writing my emotions instead of eating them. I hadn’t written in my journal since December. That is not like me. I was trying to be what everyone else wanted, not myself. I didn’t even comprehend what I was doing to myself. I ignored all the warnings of my nightmares and exhaustion.

I sat down Sunday, and did some serious writing. I worked on getting back into wise mind. Balancing my logic and emotions. If feels so much better to be back in balance. Walking in the mornings and eating less is making my body feel so much better.

It is spring. Normally, I would have been out in my garden. Weeding, planting, preparing. I didn’t do those things until last weekend. I feel like the flowers on my hellebores. My head was down. Now, I’m blooming again. I’m facing the sun. Taking care of myself. I’ve realized that I am being reborn like the plants in my garden. My leaves are stretching out into the spring sun. Bathing in the spring rain. I’m nurturing myself as I nurture my garden. I am expressing my own beauty and growth. I am not a violet trying to be a rose, now. I am just my quiet little violet self. I am pretty. I am lovely. I am worthy of appreciation, just the way I am.

Seedlings and Inertia

/ lafbatblog / Leave a comment

It has been a while since I wrote anything. I blame the inertia of being stuck at home with no one to talk to or do things with. It’s kind of like being stuck within my own head. Not necessarily a good place to be. As the days have passed, it has become darker and the webs thicker and harder to move through. So, I’m finally making progress through the webs and into the spring sun.

There is nothing I can do to stop the process, that I am not already doing (staying home, making masks, using technology to connect to others). So that means it is time to enlist that DBR skill, radical acceptance. I don’t like the situation or approve of it, but I can acknowledge it as it is, and make the best of the situation. To that end, I have been doing things here at home to make myself master of what I can. I am taking online classes. German through Babel, and a computer science class from Harvard (free). I am enjoying the stimulation of learning new things. I have been working in my garden. I have new seeds coming up, stretching to the sun and being happy to be alive. I am making crafts. Crochet, cross stitch, and book making. I hope to make a substantial dent in the Christmas presents for this year while I’m stuck here at home.

Ugh, there goes the negativity, again. I can’t change the situation, so I must change my perspective. I have an opportunity to get a lot more done here at home than I would if I weren’t working from home. I get to learn new things. I get to create gifts for others. I get to help Mother Nature spread love and joy. I have time to journal and be mindful about what I am doing. The solitude gives me the chance to think and reflect, not just react. I know that this will change. We cannot exist like this forever. I don’t think we’ll go back to totally normal, but we’ll get close.

My garden is waking up. There are flower seedlings coming up in the flower bed. I can’t wait to see them bloom. All the different colors and shapes and scents lifting my senses and making me happy. I have lettuces ready to harvest! Yummy! I have tomato plants and pepper plants and broccoli, too. I have been moving some of my ferns and my lemon tree outside, along with my ponytail palm. The palm is probably 40 years old. It belonged to my grandmother before I got it. It has lots of new growth on it. The lemon tree is happier outside. I hope it will bloom and set fruit this year. I would love to drink lemonade made from my own lemons. My blueberry bushes and strawberry plants are blooming, too. The happiness they seem to feel calms my soul and reminds me that life will continue, no matter what else happens in the world. The buds and seedlings are breaking through the inertia. Spurring me on to keep doing and being. I am whole. I am content. I feel serene.

Another Year, Another Chance

/ lafbatblog / Leave a comment

Well, I’m another year older. I don’t really feel like I’m that old, but my students would tell me that I am. I have been working hard to treat myself well and be healthier in every way. Self care is big on my to do list. How am I going to do it this year, if I’ve not managed it ever before?

Mindfulness. DBT skills. Self soothing. Crafting. Writing. Those are my weapons of choice against the dreadful inertia of apathy that I have suffered from for so long. If you don’t do anything, nothing will change. So, time to put on my big girl panties and go to work. I am feeling better about myself, now. Modern psychiatry is a wonderful thing. I have a great therapist. For the first time in therapy, I actually feel progress and change. I am actually applying all the skills I’ve spent the past 8 years learning. I feel like a seed, buried in the cold ground. I can feel the sun is up there, and the rain is getting me ready to join the world.

I am making more things. I am crocheting a table runner for my mother, for her Mother’s Day gift. It is ironic that I will put so much time into her gift, when she has always made herself feel better at my expense. But, I do it because I actually enjoy making something beautiful, not because of her. I can’t count on her to validate me. I have learned to validate myself. And I will do that by showing myself what a lovely item I can make.

I am eagerly awaiting the Spring! I have gardening plans and tons of seeds waiting for their chance to grow. Veggies. Herbs. Flowers. I love them all. I used to enjoy working in the garden when I was a kid. Mom had me do it because she said that she was too pale to be out in the sun so much. That turned out to be a good thing for me. I loved it outside and growing things has become a life long love. The work you do, shows and rewards you, no matter what anyone else says or does.

I am starting to branch out a bit, and talk about more things than just DBT. I hope that shows how DBT and mindfulness apply to all the facets of your life. It will help you heal and support yourself, even when no one else will.

It’s finally spring . . .

/ lafbatblog / Leave a comment

Well, the weather has finally decided to stay warm. My garden is calling. Seedlings force their way through the soil and into the sunlight. The change from a seed to a plant never ceases to amaze and invigorate me. The process of growth and change are miraculous. So, why can’t I have my own metamorphosis?

I yearn to change and feel good about myself. I think Spring is really the time to start anew, not Winter. All the world is waking up and becoming aware of itself, so why not me, too? I have been frustrated this winter by my inability to progress in my efforts to remake myself. My meditation practice has suffered. My healthy behaviors have stumbled. I have stagnated. I stopped living in the present and started doubting myself and pulling up all the tortures of my past. Time to stop.

Pay attention to the growth in the world and the way my soul mirrors this becoming. I deserve to feel content and alive. I need to contact that serene being within me. I need to slow down and watch the beauty of nature growing around me. Stop dwelling in the pain of the past and start reaching for the sun with the plants in my garden.

This morning, when I made my tea, I stopped worrying and really paid attention to what I was doing. Selecting the cup — pretty flowers and butterflies on the outside to please my eyes, a comfortable handle to please my hand. Heating the water — listening to the water begin to bubble, feeling the warmth, smelling the steam. Selecting the tea — wanting a strong flavor, picking among the choices (Darjeeling, English Breakfast, Tropical Green, and dozens more), selecting a yummy aroma. Pouring sweetener into the mug — watching the particles trickle from the spoon, catching a whiff of the sweetness. Brewing the tea — watching the water change from clear to deep, rich brown; smelling the tea as the steam rises; feeling the comforting warmth of the tea through the mug. Adding cream — watching the thick, white liquid pour from the container; watching the dark brown turn creamy white. Finally taking that first sip — luxuriating in the aroma, swirling the rich brew in my mouth, feeling the warmth move from my mouth to my throat. So much beauty and pleasure, if you just live in the moment and feel gratitude for what you have.

I am feeling reborn, now. Reinvigorated when it comes to caring for myself. I deserve to reach for the sun and experience all the beauty that life has for us, if we just notice it. I will be present in the moment, while working to reach contentment and serenity that I need to be successful as a human being.