self worth

Oh Wow, It’s Gobble-gobble Time Again!

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Well, here it is, the holiday dedicated to over eating. What am I going to do to keep it under control?

Well, first of all, I have the advantage that I’m not going to my family to eat. It will be lonelier, but I can avoid 5 tons of food being pushed into my face. So, I’ll take it. My husband and I will have a small dinner that I make so I control it and will be able to make sure that the food is healthy and fresh and homemade.

That’s another thing I’m doing to manage it. I’ll make food in healthier ways. Less fat. More fiber. I will be able to control just how much food is available, too. No mountains of potatoes or dressing. I’ll make enough for us and a couple more meals over the weekend. Not enough to feed a whole hoard of people.

My WW coach always tells us to cope ahead and plan what we will eat. She also says to have islands on your plate, not continents. I am coping ahead by avoiding temptation and the stress of dealing with my family. I’ll also rehearse just what I’ll put on my plate. These skills give me more control and make me pro-active, not reactive. It will help me keep things smooth and calm. As a result, I’ll enjoy the day, but I won’t regret it.

I’ve had the Thanksgiving where Mammaw pushed 5 kinds of potatoes, deviled eggs, ham, turkey, coleslaw, green beans, corn, homemade rolls, pies, and red velvet cake. I’d eat until it hurt and keep going. Afterwards, I’d feel stuffed, ugly, guilty, and miserable. She didn’t mean to make me unhappy or hurt me, but that was how she showed her love, and not going along with it would have broken her heart. So, it was a choice between her pain and mine. She’s gone now, so I don’t have to worry about hurting her feelings any more. I’m not sure how I would handle her now. I know that eating like that only hurts me. I work hard not to do it. I have learned to take care of myself, finally. Setting boundaries and plans for healthy goals.

Not seeing my family is bittersweet. I feel envious of those who have big family get togethers because that is what I’ve been told my whole life is the way it should be. At the same time, I feel relief and freedom from not having to do as they want me to, not having to be the obedient daughter who does as she’s told and puts everyone else first no matter what it does to her.

The first year we stayed home for Thanksgiving, I felt a lot of grief and guilt. I was letting the family down. I wasn’t being the dutiful daughter. But as time passed, I came to see that they were doing just fine without me there. I don’t think they even missed me, to be honest. I felt better about myself because I wasn’t having to play 20 questions about why I didn’t have children and how much I weighed. That was all they ever seemed to care about. Not that I could create lovely crafts and cook good food or take care of myself or my successes. I stopped gaining 20 tons of guilt and 10 pounds of weight because of Thanksgiving.

Now, I am thankful and feel gratitude for my independence. My skills I’ve learned to take care of myself. My own home. My husband. My things. I know it’s OK not to hurt yourself to make someone else feel good. You aren’t being bad or selfish when you take care of yourself. You are being wise and planning for a better future.

What do you do when your mojo has left you behind?

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We’ve all been there. The honeymoon phase of the diet is over. You’re struggling to keep yourself going. So, how do you get past this fork in the road and keep moving toward success?

I have been slowing down the past few weeks. Longing for “forbidden fruit.” I have given in a couple of times, and my progress has slowed down. I have been trouble remembering why it is more important to reach my goal than to treat myself in the short term. So what am I going to do about it?

First, I’m going to remind myself that I am a long way from where I started. I am down 86 lbs. That is not a small achievement. In fact, my doctor said it is extremely rare for someone to lose so much without surgery. I can log onto my WW account and see a graph of my progress. That is encouraging me to keep it up. I’ve come this far, I don’t want to stop now.

Second, I’m going to practice self love. I am making progress. I don’t have to be perfect. No one is perfect. I am doing the best I can with the tools I have. That is all I can ask of myself. It is all anyone can reasonably ask of me.

Third, I’m going to remember what my WW leader says. You have to be able to keep up the changes you make for the rest of your life. So, is it really going to be possible for me to never eat cake or a cheeseburger? Give up bread? Stop drinking fruit smoothies? No more chocolate? Nope. That would be the kind of life that would be long, but not satisfying. I deserve to be healthy, but I also deserve to be happy.

Lastly, I’m going to look at myself. There is room between my belly and the steering wheel now. I am wearing pants that I haven’t worn in 20 years. I’m feeling brave enough to buy lingerie for the first time in 30 years. I am sleeping better. I am moving more, and it doesn’t hurt! I am enjoying life for the first time in as long as I can remember.

So, do I have my motivation back? Yes, I do. I will be mindful and see the beauty and happiness in my life. I will know I am worth the extra time I spend walking and working out and taking care of my body. I will accept that I love cheeseburgers, bread, cake, and chocolate, and that life would be much sadder without them. Can I keep losing weight and still enjoy things that make me happy? Yes, I can.

I’ll keep walking more and more every day. I’ll keep getting the dumbbells out and strengthening my body. I’ll keep moisturizing my skin. I’ll keep eating smaller portions than I used to. I’ll pay attention to my progress and how good I am feeling. I will keep going!

Why is it important to lose weight?

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The answer varies from person to person, but in general it comes down to feeling better and living better, doesn’t it? I am working hard to lose weight because; 1) I’m tired of not fitting into chairs in public, 2) I am tired of having to buy my clothes online, 3) I’m tired of feeling incompetent, and 4) I’m tired of being ashamed. Sadly, my health is well down the line in my list of whys. I bet I’m not alone in that.

We live in a world that tells us if we aren’t a size 0 we’re worthless. I grew up hearing how disgusting I was because I was fat. All that negativity haunts me to this day. Some times I can actually feel pretty for a minute or two. Then, I look in the mirror and see myself and realize I am just a fat blob and that trying to look good is like putting lipstick on a pig.

I used to envy anorexics. I used to think they were the only pretty people. Then one day, I actually looked at them. They never look happy. They don’t look healthy. And they aren’t any prettier than anyone else. So I realized, I can look good and feel good about myself without being a size 0. I’ll never reach that size, even if I starve myself.

I have to have a different why. WW says your why is the key to your success. I think that is true. You have to have something to keep you motivated to take good care of yourself and be healthier. My new why is to feel good about myself, no matter what anyone else says. I am important. I do matter. I can be as happy as I make up my mind to be. Taking good care of myself makes me feel better and gives me a better life. No more punishing myself because I was taught that you have to make yourself miserable to deserve anything good in your life. What a screwy way of thinking!

So what do I mean by taking good care of myself? Eat healthy. Watch the way your food is prepared and how much of it you eat. Drink a lot of water every day. Be more active (my current goal is 30 minutes a day, 5 days a week). Actually clean and moisturize your skin and hair. Meditate and be mindful. Live in the moment and let go of the past and its pain (I journal a lot to accomplish this one).

What is your why? How do you achieve your goal?

Another year of trials and tribulations

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It has been quite a while since I’ve written anything here. I just felt too empty to write. This year has continued the stresses of Covid and loneliness. And of course, my mother died almost 3 months ago. Not of Covid.

Handling loneliness required a lot of self soothing. I’ve spent hours decluttering and organizing. It really did make me feel better and more in control. I know, control is an illusion. I should accept, not expect. But the feeling that I was in control of something, even if it was just organizing my desk in my craft room/office, soothed my soul and my mind. Getting rid of junk was empowering. I was removing its hold on me and showing my own strength. I decluttered the whole house. I didn’t go minimalist. I love my butterflies and cozy feeling house just fine the way they are. But it was good to know that my possessions don’t necessarily control me.

I’ve worked from home, used contactless delivery, and all the other tricks to avoid Covid. I am fully vaccinated, even already got my flu shot. I keep watching people refusing to do things to improve the public health. Complaining that no one has the right to tell them to get a shot or wear a mask. It infringes on their freedom and they don’t believe the science or doctors. Then, when they get sick, they expect to be treated with all the skills of science and the doctors. They’ve created such a burden on our resources and stretched this pandemic out far longer than it should have been. I keep reminding myself, don’t judge. Tolerate and accept all. I just don’t understand how their minds work. I need to stop trying. I can’t change anything they think or do. I just need to accept it, do my best, and move on.

Mom died of MS. She fell and broke her hip. They put her in the hospital, did surgery, and she seemed to be recovering just fine. Then, she was placed in a nursing home for rehab. At first she was OK. I could talk to her on the phone and she was strong and lucid and understood me and made sense and was planning for me to come stay with her once she was out of there. Then, she started getting weaker. She wasn’t eating. Her MS was keeping her from swallowing correctly, and affecting her sight and causing her constant pain. She stopped making sense when I talked to her. I took lots of time off work to go see her. To try to get the house ready so she could come home. The hoarding of my stepfather and brother saw to it that I was unable to fix the house. In the space of a month, mom had lost 50 lbs. They put her on morphine for the pain. The last time I saw her, I don’t think she even knew I was there. She couldn’t talk or move or even swallow her saliva. She died at 4AM that night. All alone. They were supposed to call us and make sure we got there in time, but they didn’t. She died all alone. I think they just walked in and found her already dead. I feel so much guilt about this. I failed her. She didn’t get to come home. She didn’t get to eat the food she liked. I keep thinking I don’t deserve to eat since she couldn’t and I didn’t give her what she wanted. I’ve got 250 lbs. to lose before it would even be a beginning of an issue. I need to remind myself, she loved my brother and nephews more than me. They were the ones she asked for, not me. She always chose my stepfather over me, even when he threatened to kill me, she took his side. She always had to be better than me at everything I did. She always had to be prettier than me. Smarter than me. Why did I want her to love me? I guess it’s because she was my mom.

I am trying to lose weight for me. I am working out again. I am doing WW. I asked my doctor for help, and got it. I deserve to feel good and be healthy and enjoy life. I am taking care of myself because no one else ever has or will. I am working hard to stay in Wise Mind in this situation. My emotions want to punish me on mom’s behalf. My logic tells me I need to lose weight to be healthy. The middle path says use mom’s treatment of me as fuel to become healthier. So, that is what I am doing.

Being non-judgmental

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“Be non-judgmental in your own thoughts, feelings and beliefs.” – Mindfulness, T. Rowan ed.

Such a simple statement, yet so hard to do. We naturally judge everything at all times. It is part of being human. Most of us are harder on ourselves than others, on top of that. It can really build up over the course of a day, much less a lifetime.

We are taught early on to determine the worth and worthiness of everything and everyone we encounter. We are taught the values of our role models, for better or worse. We watch how they react to and treat other people. That is a new set of rules to include in the young mind. We watch what they consider worth having/doing. We were taught what to pursue and what to do to be worthwhile.

Sometimes judging is good. Picking the good bread instead of the moldy piece. The good milk instead of the sour. The person who will validate and support you instead of the one who weakens and hurts you. These decisions help us function and thrive.

Other judgements cause pain and undue suffering. They weigh us down with negativity. Racism is an obvious example of this sort of judging. Valuing the pursuit of money or promotion in a prestigious career can also add to the weight carried by the soul. People have valued these things, but in reality they do not help the person grow or thrive. Most people are particularly severe in the judging of self — thoughts, dreams, hopes, goals, work, endeavors.

Learning not to value yourself, judging yourself to be less than others, is a hard lesson to unlearn. Even harder than learning not to judge others. If your parent or care giver does not validate you, instead they belittle you and every effort you make, it is welded into your psyche that you are unworthy and you must strive to become worthy of love and respect. I was taught that I was ugly, stupid, a burden. My father’s favorite words to me were “you’re so stupid you could make a saint curse,” even as I earned academic awards for highest grades and test taking skills. When I made something, my parents rarely even bothered to keep it. They usually threw it away, often in front of me. These things taught me to devalue myself and anything I did or made. They taught me I had no right to expect anything and that I would never be good enough.

Those lessons weighed me down. Made me a victim that allowed myself to be hurt and abused. They told me it was both my fault and my job to let my grandfather sexually abuse me. I didn’t have friends. I didn’t think I was good enough for anyone to want to be around. Anything I could do well wasn’t worth doing, because I could do it. More links in a heavy chain around my heart and soul. I lived with those and thought I didn’t even deserve to live. I used to hope to die so I wouldn’t keep disappointing everyone and bothering them by being alive. I didn’t think I could be a success at anything worth doing.

I first stopped judging others. Learning to accept and love people as they are, not as I think they should be. Now, I’m even reaching the point that I don’t have preconceived notions of what a person should be. That has taken a lot of work. Miles of ink on paper written to get ideas and “rules” out of my head, where they were cemented by my early experiences. I would catch myself (still do sometimes, I’m not perfect) and stop and say “They are just as they should be and need to be.” Radical acceptance and love for everyone are key to ending the judging cycle. Letting go of those judgements was very freeing. It feels good to love people.

Next, came the hardest part. Learning not to judge myself. My thoughts, feelings, actions, beliefs. I still hear my parents’ voices telling me terrible things about myself (“you’re so stupid”) or what I had done (“you ruined my life”). I have to fight those voices. I am slowly learning that I am worthy. I am enough. I am a success. No, I don’t make millions or lead a large group or influence everyone. I have a cozy little house, a good marriage, a cute dog, a job I enjoy, and crafts to make and things to bake and a garden to grow. I am learning not to punish myself for being myself. It is hard. Every day I get a little better at it. Sometimes I can go entire hours without hearing that mean little voice in my head. I am learning to accept myself as I am and know that I am a human being.

It’s finally winter!

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Well, it finally snowed last night. It was like Mother Nature remembered it is winter. It was beautiful. I’ve always liked the way the snow makes everything bright and clean and perfect. It hides the dirt and grime underneath. Some people are like that. They smile and laugh with everyone, but inside is rotten and full of pain. I’ve done that many times. You feel that no one will understand the real you, so you fake it and act like society tells you to. It doesn’t help you in the long run. I’m not sure it even works in the short term. You make the others feel comfortable and happy, but you don’t help yourself.

I’ve worked hard to find my inner peace and serenity. I finally feel congruent, the same inside and outside. I know some people would prefer that I be Miss Perky Bubbles, but that is not me. Those that actually matter to me, know and understand that is not me. They accept that I am more than sunshine and rainbows. I have storm clouds and tornadoes and hurricanes inside me. I sometimes have hard freezes when I don’t let anyone in to my comfort zone. That’s OK. It’s all part of the weather, and without it life wouldn’t work on this planet. I wouldn’t function as a human being without my internal weather. My climate is temperate, subject to changing fronts and seasons. My life thrives under those conditions.

Very few people can live being constantly sunny. Even the happiest people acknowledge the existence of sadness, pain, and need. They have learned that you cannot grow without both extremes and everything in the middle. Your garden won’t grow if it’s always dry sun, or always freezing cold, or torrential rain. It needs the warmth of the sun to make food. It needs the cold to take a break and rest and repair. It needs the rain to soak up so it can move the nutrients around and stand proudly under the sun. Just like us.

Why can’t I be nice to myself?

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I find it so easy to hate myself. I was taught well that I have nothing to offer anyone, that I am physically repulsive, stupid, incompetent, a repugnant waste of air. My parents were very good at that. So, I learned to me cruel and hateful to myself, not kind and compassionate. I am working hard to unlearn their lessons.

I would never talk to a friend, or even an enemy, the way I address myself. I am trying to learn new ways of handling myself. I work hard to find affirmations that mean something to me. I try to be mindful and let the negative thoughts pass like clouds in the sky. I have happy journals. They are notebooks that I have written quotes into and pasted images that make me happy. I have tried bullet journaling and tracking food intake. Things to help me help myself. I still  lapse into self loathing.

I am a grown woman. I can’t keep letting the pain of my childhood continue to steal my happiness, today. I am just as worthy as anyone else. I have good qualities and bad ones. I don’t expect to be happy 24/7. I know that is unrealistic. I just want to not feel bad all the time.

I am making a self soothing box/kit. My therapist suggested it. I’m putting items in it that help ground my senses and pull me back from the edge. I need the support. I need to support myself. I was filling out a worksheet she sent me, listing the good things about myself. It was hard. I managed to fill in compliments, skills, making others happy, etc. I just couldn’t think of anything I like about my appearance. I’m morbidly obese. I have gray hair. Fat rolls. Stretch marks. Cellulite. Wrinkles. I think of my hair and skin as greasy and nasty (thanks Mom). My skin has bumps on it (ectopic dermatits) and eczema. My toes are too long. I’m short. I wear glasses. I just can’t seem to find anything positive to say about my body. I’m getting there with my mind and actions, but not my body.

There I go, childhood judgments coloring my world today. I deserve to at least like myself. No one should hate themselves. So, I’ll keep working on it. Getting help from my therapist. Trying to soothe and raise that small girl who was scarred so badly. She was beautiful. I  look at old pictures and really think I was very pretty. I need to get back there. I need to take care of me.

It’s finally spring . . .

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Well, the weather has finally decided to stay warm. My garden is calling. Seedlings force their way through the soil and into the sunlight. The change from a seed to a plant never ceases to amaze and invigorate me. The process of growth and change are miraculous. So, why can’t I have my own metamorphosis?

I yearn to change and feel good about myself. I think Spring is really the time to start anew, not Winter. All the world is waking up and becoming aware of itself, so why not me, too? I have been frustrated this winter by my inability to progress in my efforts to remake myself. My meditation practice has suffered. My healthy behaviors have stumbled. I have stagnated. I stopped living in the present and started doubting myself and pulling up all the tortures of my past. Time to stop.

Pay attention to the growth in the world and the way my soul mirrors this becoming. I deserve to feel content and alive. I need to contact that serene being within me. I need to slow down and watch the beauty of nature growing around me. Stop dwelling in the pain of the past and start reaching for the sun with the plants in my garden.

This morning, when I made my tea, I stopped worrying and really paid attention to what I was doing. Selecting the cup — pretty flowers and butterflies on the outside to please my eyes, a comfortable handle to please my hand. Heating the water — listening to the water begin to bubble, feeling the warmth, smelling the steam. Selecting the tea — wanting a strong flavor, picking among the choices (Darjeeling, English Breakfast, Tropical Green, and dozens more), selecting a yummy aroma. Pouring sweetener into the mug — watching the particles trickle from the spoon, catching a whiff of the sweetness. Brewing the tea — watching the water change from clear to deep, rich brown; smelling the tea as the steam rises; feeling the comforting warmth of the tea through the mug. Adding cream — watching the thick, white liquid pour from the container; watching the dark brown turn creamy white. Finally taking that first sip — luxuriating in the aroma, swirling the rich brew in my mouth, feeling the warmth move from my mouth to my throat. So much beauty and pleasure, if you just live in the moment and feel gratitude for what you have.

I am feeling reborn, now. Reinvigorated when it comes to caring for myself. I deserve to reach for the sun and experience all the beauty that life has for us, if we just notice it. I will be present in the moment, while working to reach contentment and serenity that I need to be successful as a human being.

Time for growth

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It is that in-between season, not quite Spring and not quite Winter. Plants are waking up from their rest. Trees are pumping pollen into the air as quickly as possible. Flowers are beginning to spread across the land. And for me, it’s time to decide. Will I keep working on myself or will I give up?

Time for some wise mind. Emotional mind says give it up, you aren’t good enough to succeed. Suspiciously, the voice of emotional mind sounds very much like my mother. Rational mind points out that I have managed to be healthier in the past. I have lost weight and worked out and felt good about myself. So, what is the middle ground? Accept that most of my life I was told I was not pretty or smart or worthy. That a lot of the time I was told I was fat, ugly, stupid, and a major mistake. I can’t change those facts. I can let them go and stop giving my abusers so much power. It isn’t easy. It requires hard effort and determination. But, to succeed and love myself and care for myself, I have to rise above it and let go. The lotus flower rises above the mud and water to show its beauty. I will be a lotus flower. I will keep trying to eat healthy. I will work out. I will be compassionate with myself. I will be better. I will stop judging myself against an impossible standard. No two flowers bloom exactly alike. All of them are beautiful in their own way. People are like that, too. We shouldn’t cause each other pain with judgments and unrealistic expectations. Being mindful means we should look for the positive in the moment, not expect things to be different than they are. Adding wise mind to that, we pair acceptance of ourselves with an ongoing effort to take better care of ourselves. Accepting the past and feelings, then letting them pass like dandelion seeds on the wind.

Why I Love to Beat Myself Up

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I’ve been stuck in my head for the last couple of weeks. Telling myself all kinds of bad things. I learned to do it well. My parents made sure of that. “You’re so stupid you could make a saint curse,” was a favorite of my father. My mother routinely told me how ugly I was and that every bad thing that happened to me was my own fault, while bragging about how great she was, herself. You get the picture.

I have to work hard to remember to reframe my negative thoughts and stop judging myself. If I don’t, it’s a terrible downward spiral, which only gets worse the longer it goes. At the bottom, I end up in the psych ward. I stopped before I got there, this time. I put a deliberate effort into using therapy apps and journaling. They helped me reframe and rephrase those negatives and see the positives. From “I’m disgusting and unlovable” to “I am pretty and deserve good things.” I have to keep reminding myself that my mother didn’t really mean to hurt me; she was damaged by her own parents and was seeking validation from the closest source she had at the time. Putting me down made her feel better about herself, temporarily. It didn’t last, though, so she had to keep repeating the process.

I am trying hard to feel gratitude and be mindful. Accept, don’t expect. That is my mantra. It reminds me not to judge and not to be disappointed by my expectations. There is beauty and good in the world, you just have to adjust your thinking and the way you look at things to find it. Stay here in the here and now. You can’t appreciate what is happening if you’re overlooking it for something in the future or stuck reliving the past. Mindfulness will help you make it to being aware of the good things here and now. If you have trouble with it, focus on your breathing for a few minutes. It will help ground you in the present. Let your thoughts and feelings pass. Clinging to them creates the stress of anticipating the future or dwelling in the past. The pain can tell you what you need to work on, but don’t let it dominate you. Acknowledge it, examine it, like a delicate flower, then do what you can about it, and finally, let it go like blowing a dandelion into the wind.

Accept. Don’t expect.