self worth

Celebrating Small Victories: A Personal Journey

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I keep seeing that I should be celebrating all of my victories, no matter how small or insignificant. But what makes something a victory? Should it be only your opinion? Should it matter to others? Should it have a physical manifestation? Is behavior or emotion enough?

My sister just received an award for being an excellent corrections officer. She deserved it. She does just about everything from training new officers to crunching data to evaluate the performance of the jail. She was recognized for all of her hard work at the state-wide level. She got a trophy. They had her speak at a banquet. That is definitely a victory. But she will tell you that she didn’t want it. In fact, she sees it as a problem; believing that people will expect more of her because of it. So, in her book, it is not a victory, but a problem. She has 2 children that will be her contribution to the future, too.

Do I have any victories? Nothing so tangible. I managed to get to work and get my job done even though I’m not sleeping more than 2-3 hours a night. I’ve kept off 120 lbs. that I lost. I wrote a new training manual for my job that my boss said is good. I’m learning Spanish. I’m learning to code in Java. I have kept my sourdough starter alive and well (it’s name is Fred) for nearly a year, now. I don’t think about killing myself as much as I used to. I guess those could be victories. But, I see them as insignificant to put it mildly. No children or contributions to the future.

Getting to work? What choice to I have? I have to earn money. And there must be something wrong with me if I can’t sleep without sleeping pills.

Keeping off the weight? So what? I need to lose another 130 lbs. to stop being considered obese. If I were doing it well, I’d have kept losing weight.

Writing the manual? Learning Spanish and Java? Just things I do to pass time and keep from getting lost in my mind. Plus, as my sister pointed out, the boss may want me to write the manual so he can replace me easily.

The sourdough, I guess, is an accomplishment. I do manage to make bread every week.

Not feeling like dying all the time? I’ve been through so much therapy and I’m on medicine. If I can’t control that with all this help, I’m kind of hopeless.

No children or impact on the future. That goes without saying since I have no children and work as a receptionist. Who will care about or miss me when I’m gone?

But then again, I am doing those things. I chose to live my life my way. I am keeping myself going. I think that sometimes I am far too hard on myself. I learned to minimize everything I do as a child. It was never as good as anything my mother could do or did. I still hear her voice, even though she’s been gone for a few years. I know now that she was trying to make herself feel better and more accomplished.

I have to stay in Wise Mind. Balance my logic and my emotions. In both areas, I have positive and negative. I am hard on myself, but I also know that I am strong and resilient and came through a lot of abuse. Logically, I know that I am functioning as a successful adult, even as I think that if I can do it, anyone can, and they can do it better. I know that I do things well. I am praised and complimented on how well I do things. I just have a hard time giving myself internal validation and accepting external validation. I find myself thinking that when someone says I’ve done well, they’re lying to be polite. My therapist pointed out that I was actually being quite arrogant when I did that. I’ve learned to stop denying and telling them why they are wrong and simply say thank you. I regularly write and draw a Wise Mind graphic organizer in my journal. It helps me see what I really am doing. I can see where my brain is trying to lead me astray and where an objective observer would say I am doing well.

I guess I do have some victories to celebrate. Even if some of them are natural to me as blooming is to a flower. Not every flower can do everything. Some smell good. Some produce delicious fruit. Some look beautiful. Each has a victory in its own way. So do people.

Managing Emotional Tiredness: Tips for a Dull Day at Work

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Well, I’m having one of those days where I just seem to be stuck in the mud. Can’t get anywhere. I’ve already done everything I am supposed to do today at work. I have 4 more hours. It feels like the mud is drying. And this is about as exciting as watching mud dry.

I know that according to DBT, I should be mindful and pay attention to the little things that are actually happening at this moment in this place. Participate in what is happening. The problem with those is that no one is doing anything except sitting there gazing into their computers (I work in a tutoring center in a library). I did try writing letters to my pen pals. I got all but 1 finished. I’m too tired emotionally to write another good letter, so I’m letting that wait. I can’t exactly get out a deck of cards and play some poker with the tutors. Not very professional. So, any ideas? The firewall on the school’s network is such that you can’t go to any “fun” sites. So no computer games. I could nosh on some popcorn. That could provide some diversion, but I have to be careful not to eat too much. Trying to lose weight. So, I’ve decided to write. To get my mind unstuck and get the flotsam out of it.

So, participate. I’ll write this entry. I’ll have my popcorn. Then, if nothing else has come up, I’ll take a nap under the desk, just kidding. With my luck I’d get caught.

I’m trying not to get stuck within my head. It’s not a good place for me to go. I start beating myself up like Godzilla unleashing on Tokyo. I know I don’t deserve to be treated badly, not even by my own mind, but I do it any way. I was taught to see myself as less than human. Ugly. Stupid. Disgusting. Useless. A waste of space. My parents did a very good job of that, and no one at school really helped undo it. They all thought I was weird. Now, people tell me I am intimidating, so I don’t get a lot of positive feedback these days, either.

Why am I intimidating? I guess because I don’t let people get close until I know they are safe. I don’t want to be hurt any more, so I keep them at a distance until I decide if they can be trusted. I guess I also expect others to do their jobs and do them well, so that intimidates them, too. I have high standards, and not everyone meets them. Don’t get me wrong. I deliberately try not to judge anyone else. I know how much that hurts.

OK. This afternoon: popcorn, letter writing, thinking about myself in positive terms, and no beating myself up. I think that will be a full afternoon.

On the verge

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Spring is progressing with fits and starts. One day it is so hot we need air conditioning, then the next we need a light jacket. The trees are nearly completely leafed out. I have roses, clematis, and irises blooming. Birds are singing for territory all day long. And here I am, stuck at work and in life.

I have been allowing myself to fall to the wayside. I’ve not been walking my laps, exercising, or eating healthy. I still can’t seem to sleep at night. I’ve spent my time lying in bed worrying about everything and everyone else. Trying to figure out how to fix problems for everyone else; ignoring my own. I have no energy or drive lately.

All I’ve wanting to do is hide on my bed, in the dark, and wish the world would pass me by. Now granted, I am a champion introvert. Taking a position as ahermit in a deep, dark forest and living as the old witch of the woods has a definite attraction. I’d have a cottage made of stone, surrounded by a cottage garden of flowers, herbs, vegetables, and fruits. A little mountain brook giggling along side the cottage, in a clearing surrounded by the protection of the huge old oaks. Squirrels playing tag. Rabbits and deer peeking out from among the trees. Butterflies and bees visiting the flowers. Bats swooping by as the owl hoots at night, under glistening stars and silvery moon. My cat and dog would be my only roommates. I’d have tons of books and yarn and embroidery materials. I would have music playing all the time. No one to argue with or try to please. Splendid solitude. I’d only venture out once a month or so for supplies. Alas, that is never to be.

So, what do I do with my life as it is? How do I find the peace and contentment I am so sorely lacking these days?

I think I have to begin by shifting my focus. I can’t keep putting myself under pressure to fix things for other people. They are adults. They should take care of themselves. I can’t, and shouldn’t, do it for them. Accept things as they are. Let go of my expectations and goals for these other people. I have no more right to control them than they have to control me. I can be there for them. Listen. Encourage. Assist within reason. Not tell them how to fix everything and try to do it for them.

I also need to stop worrying about letting everyone else down through my actions and existence. If I am to find serenity, I have to look within, not without. Accept that I have a nice life. I’ll never be important to the world. I’ll not leave much of an impact when I go. I don’t have children to leave a legacy. I’m like the vast majority of people. I’ve been good to some people, but not so many that I’ll leave a void when I’m gone. They will move on. They will find someone else to process the data, explain the rules, craft them gifts, bake them goodies, and care about them. I’m not rich. I never will be. In this world, only the rich seem to really matter. People care more about what the rich are doing than being a good friend or loving family member.

I need to approach my life like a rose. There are millions of roses. They are all special and unique in their own way. They have different colors, shapes, scents, sizes. Each one is special to the bees that visit it; the people that see/smell it. They bloom their best when it is their time, not before or after. They don’t try to hurry or hesitate to bloom. They do it when they are ready. Each rose has purpose. Each rose exists as itself, whole, complete, and perfect in its imperfections. Each rose is important, even as there are so many of them that it seems no single rose matters. It matters to the ones who experience it, but they replace it with the next year’s rose. Such is the way of life.

I am good at helping the people I actually encounter at work. I help them succeed in their lives. My friends and family love the things I make for them. I try to remember to smile at everyone I pass. I am smart and good at explaining things to people, helping them do their jobs and learn in classes. I have come a long way. I am past the bloom of youth, but I’m not a ripe rose hip, yet. I am me. And I am good at it.

Has it really been this long?

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I haven’t been taking care of myself for the past few months. I’ve neglected my health, my hobbies, my mind. I was working extra to make up for the fact that my boss left for greener pastures. I was trying to do everything for everyone else. I let all those people talk me into trying to get the promotion to my boss’s position. I didn’t listen to myself. I didn’t take care of myself.

I’ve been sleeping very poorly. Terrible nightmares about being powerless and unable to effect or change anything. Not being able to turn on lights in a room. Not being able to walk. Not being able to talk or answer others. That’s when I did sleep. I’d wake up feeling like I hadn’t slept at all. Other nights, I just laid there awake while my mind ran sprints. Did I get everthing done? Was everyone happy with my performance? What would people think if I didn’t apply for the job, followed by what would people think if I didn’t get the job? Then once a week, usually Saturday, I’d crash and sleep for 12 or more hours. I’d still feel like I couldn’t get enough rest.

I’d been binge eating, again. I gained 20 pounds. I just couldn’t seem to stop myself. Even though it would hurt after I ate so much. In fact, it’s been hurting whenever I eat. No matter what I eat or how much or how little. Frequent visits to the bathroom to empty my stomach. None of that helping me feel better.

I am behind on my crafting for Christmas gifts. Mostly because when I came home from work, all I did was take a shower, eat supper, then go to bed. I was totally worn out from work. Too many people to deal with. My introverted soul just couldn’t take all the people I was dealing with. It exhausted me emotionally and mentally.

This past weekend, I realized what I was doing to myself. I realized my body was telling me that I didn’t want the promotion. I was trying to make everyone else happy and not thinking about me. So, what did I do?

I began getting up and walking, for the first time since December. I’ve begun planning my meals and not eating everything in sight. I went to bed early and slept without nightmares. It was like I finally listened to myself. And when I did, I began to feel better.

I didn’t get the promotion. And I’m actually glad that I didn’t. I’d be lying if I said that I’m not worried about the reactions of all the people who pushed me to apply for the promotion. I am. I fear they will see me as incompetent and defective. However, I’ve been returning to my DBT work. I’m journaling, again. Writing my emotions instead of eating them. I hadn’t written in my journal since December. That is not like me. I was trying to be what everyone else wanted, not myself. I didn’t even comprehend what I was doing to myself. I ignored all the warnings of my nightmares and exhaustion.

I sat down Sunday, and did some serious writing. I worked on getting back into wise mind. Balancing my logic and emotions. If feels so much better to be back in balance. Walking in the mornings and eating less is making my body feel so much better.

It is spring. Normally, I would have been out in my garden. Weeding, planting, preparing. I didn’t do those things until last weekend. I feel like the flowers on my hellebores. My head was down. Now, I’m blooming again. I’m facing the sun. Taking care of myself. I’ve realized that I am being reborn like the plants in my garden. My leaves are stretching out into the spring sun. Bathing in the spring rain. I’m nurturing myself as I nurture my garden. I am expressing my own beauty and growth. I am not a violet trying to be a rose, now. I am just my quiet little violet self. I am pretty. I am lovely. I am worthy of appreciation, just the way I am.

Christmas is back!

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I know I am not the only one who has trouble being merry and jolly this time of year. If you’re a real person with a real family, chances are that getting everyone together creates a ton of stress. Getting the right gift. Eating enough of grandma’s cooking to make her happy but not be a gluttonous pig. Disagreements over politics. Old family arguments flaring up. Of course, you may be like me. I never see my family for Christmas. It is always a lonely day with just my husband, which, if you pay attention to media, is totally unnatural and should make me feel unloved, unwanted, unsuccessful, and suicidal. So, you can’t win either way.

If you are trying to lose or not gain weight during the holidays, you feel another ton or so of pressure. All the yummy goodies that you know will taste good. People showing love by making and giving you baked goods. Your weight loss group telling you not to eat any of it if you want to be a good dieter. The judgement of said group if you do eat Christmas treats. The worry that you will give in and binge yourself out of your smaller pants and back into your tent dress.

Everything has to be pretty, festive, and meaningful. You have to be careful not to offend people. Wishing the wrong person the wrong holiday greeting can lead to an argument, hurt feelings, and being excluded from the group. Of course, there is a whole segment offended if you don’t call it the holiday they celebrate. Keeping all that straight is exhausting in itself.

So, what does all of this have to do with self worth and weight loss? Quite a bit.

If you are a stress eater, there are plenty of triggers around. Family arguments. Strangers fighting you for a gift/parking place/last ham on the shelf. Fear of offending people by saying the wrong thing. Your support group telling you that you cannot indulge in any way or you have failed. And there are many, many opportunities to give in and try to stuff that anxiety into silence.

If you are prone to binge eating, what a target rich environment!!! Everyone is making and giving cookies. Fancy dinners to get together. Parties with lots of appetizers. Stores are full of treats. Huge festive meals. You don’t even have to sneak around or hide the food to binge this time of year.

Feel the pressure for everything to be perfect? Decorated with coordinating presents, trees, wreaths, figurines, and lights (a la Martha Stewart)? Getting everyone the exact thing they truly want? Being happy and cheerful the whole time? Doing parties and activities non-stop? Actually enjoying being with your family? Yep, your self worth is taking a hit from the myth of Christmas or the holiday of your choice.

I have learned to accept that I do feel pressure for everything to be perfect andthe anxiety of getting everything right is going to drive me to binge. I can’t pretend that they aren’t there. They are a part of me. My self worth and ability to deal with all the stress and tempations are integral to me. They help make me who I am. To deny them is to deny myself and pretend that I am someone I am not. I have to accept them, deal with them, and live. To help myself control the urges to binge, I spend a lot of time journaling, doing behavioral chain analysis, coping ahead, and keeping myself busy with baking/crafts/writing. You may well ask how I can bake a great deal and not eat it all. Well, that is strangely tied to my lack of self worth. I honestly believe that everything I make is no good, no matter how many people tell me they love it and that they want more of it. That belief keeps me from wanting to eat the cookies, fudge, cakes, and bread that I make before I give it away. The behavioral chain analysis, coping ahead, and writing take place in my journal. You can find free work sheets for those things if you just Google or use Pinterest. I have a bunch of things like this saved on my Pinterest therapy board for when I need a nudge to do the work. I have also learned to understand that the “perfect holiday” doesn’t really exist. No one can do everything perfectly and make everyone happy and be happy, too. It’s crazy to expect anyone to do that. Companies make a lot of money by convincing people that it is achievable, making them feel less than if they don’t reach that elusive goal. When I start feeling less than because of the lack of family, perfect decorations, parties, and such, I remind myself that it is a giant house of Christmas cards, ready to fall apart at the slightest examination, so I shouldn’t feel bad because I can’t or don’t do all of those things.

This is my happy Christmas day. I sleep late. I make a good breakfast for my husband and myself. I spend the morning crocheting or cross stitching until time to start cooking. I cook a full meal (turkey, ham, home made rolls, red velvet cheese cake, green beans, corn, deviled eggs, and such). I know it’s a lot for 2 people, but we are OK with left overs for a week after the big day. I read and craft throughout the day. The Christmas tree lights are twinking on my miniature tree. My amaryllis, poinsettias, paper whites, and hyacinths are blooming. I think it is wonderful and restful. It’s not the huge family gathering with all the perfectly coordinated decorations and such, but it is the right thing for me. Once I accepted that, my self worth began to recover. I do wonder what it would be like to participate in the “perfect holiday,” but I know it doesn’t mean I’m any less if I don’t have that.

So, take care of yourself. Remember your reality is better than the make believe “perfect holiday” because it is yours. If you want to eat some cookies, do it. You’ll end up eating less if you give in and satisfy the urge rather than trying to eat around it. Use your journal to get the thoughts out of your head and examine them. Deal with them and let them go. Everyone can make it through the holidays in a good place. Take your own Christmas cards and build your own holiday.

The comfort of old demons

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I’ve been spending a lot of time thinking about how I pressure myself to lose weight, and what a spectacular failure it has been. I’m still not gaining, but I’m not losing either. I know I should be happy to be down 5 sizes and have all my bloodwork come back looking great. I know it is an achievement to not regain the 140 lbs. with reinforcements. But, I’m still not satisfied, happy, or proud of myself. I keep thinking myself to death.

I shouldn’t eat real food, because everyone at WW is finding 0 point fake foods and eating those instead. A goodly portion of every WW meeting is concerned with finding low points alternatives for regular food. It’s odd. In WW commercials they tout eating real food while you lose weight. At a meeting, if you are eating regular food, everyone shakes their heads at you and you can feel the judgment rolling off of them in waves. The conviction of the group is that no one can eat normal food and be thin or healthy. You have to eat food lacking flavor and texture. It’s the old saying, if it tastes good, spit it out. The mantra of dieters everywhere.

What have I learned from this? First of all, people seem to want to focus on things that will make them unhappy, like punishing themselves will win them a place in heaven. Giving up food you like is the only way to be thin (and of course, only thin people matter or have worth). Second, they would all claim they are not doing this. They would say they are eating regular food. I’m sorry, using a wrap made out of egg whites instead of slices of bread is not eating regular food. I don’t like sitting there watching them hurt themselves in an attempt to earn sainthood (thinness). And third, I cannot be happy participating in the artificial food feast.

Several of the members say that getting a huge quantity of food is more important than the food tasting good. I can’t go along with that. I have been a binge eater all of my life. But, now, I’m learning to fill the emptiness with other things (reading, crafts, gardening, even, gasp/horror, baking). I find it sad that a person would prefer to just shovel the stuff in, no matter what it tastes like. How is that enjoying food? It makes me sad. People trying to fill the space inside with something, anything, because the emptiness hurts. We’ve been taught that eating will make the pain go away, but it doesn’t. It actually makes more pain and misery.

I am working to learn that sadness and emptiness and loneliness are not going to kill me. If I pay attention to my life, I will find positives to experience and the negatives will pass. It was a hard lesson to learn; that eating doesn’t get rid of the bad thoughts and feelings. I still backslide from time to time. The comfort of the old demons is sometimes impossible to resist. I’m learning not to punish myself for embracing the old demons. Once upon a time, they were my friends and protectors. I’ve outgrown them. I am my own protector now. The old demons aren’t gone, though. They never really go away. You just spend less and less time with them as you become stronger and heal.

I know it is hard to change well established habits. Even when they only hurt you. To develop new strategies and plans, you have to invest time and energy. You have to learn new ways. You have to be patient and gentle with yourself. You have to acknowledge the old demons and how they once helped you. You have to accept and believe that things have changed. You have to know that you can protect yourself and take good care of yourself. Your old demons will try to win you back. That’s what they do. It’s OK to admit they are there and to visit them from time to time. The trick is to not let them tell you what to do or how to live. You can get there. You can let go of the old and find the new.

Leaving the past behind and living in the present

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I’ve been letting the past rule me, lately. I have let it suck me into a deep pit. I still have feelings of guilt over my mother’s death, 2 years ago this month. I’ve been letting old bad habits creep back in. Stopped trying to take care of myself. Let all my mother’s criticisms and damning words run through my head like a raging torrent. I let myself fall into believing that I am unworthy, undeserving, and unlovable. I’m tired of that, even if there is comfort in the old demons and pain.

I can’t go back and do it all over. I can’t change what Mom said to/about me for all those years. I am not stupid. I am not incompetent. I am not ugly with greasy, oily hair and skin. My hair isn’t too thick. My skin isn’t ugly because I can tan. I am not the bottom of the trash heap.

It is scary to let go of the familiar. Move into new, uncharted territory. Find my own narrative. My own voice. The fear and the old hopeless laziness are hard to overcome, but I am determined to do just that.

I know I’ll feel better. Be healed of my psychic wounds. Be physically healthier. Be complete. And worthy. Once I move into the present and let go of the old ghosts in my mind. So, how and what do I do?

I am going to focus on taking care of myself every day. Telling myself I am worthy. I am intelligent. I am creative. I am not disgusting and ugly. I do have strengths and abilities. I am unique and that makes me a worthwhile human being. Using my DBT skills.

I am going to find my strength. My grandfather had me convinced that I was weak and I had to let him touch me and do things that made me feel gross. My mom told me it was my duty to make him happy and my own fault that he did those things to me.

I am going to start moisturizing my face an body. Mom had me convinced I was too oily to need to do that.

I am going to eat healthy. More protein and fiber. Drink more water. Actually pay attention to what I eat and how it affects my body. Mom always said I didn’t deserve or need to eat because I was disgustingly fat.

I am going to become active. I am walking and working out every day. My parents made that something I didn’t like by punishing me if I didn’t run laps or haul enough wood or exercise enough to make them happy.

I am going to make beautiful things. I’ll cross stitch. Crochet. Make books. Bake. Garden. Write. Mom and Dad always made me believe that nothing I did was good enough, and everyone else was better at everything than me.

I am going to allow myself to have feelings and experience them, while letting them pass, knowing I am not my feelings. Mom always told me I was a weak cry baby and didn’t deserve to be happy or calm.

Doing all these things will help me rejuvenate my weight loss by helping my mind get to the right place. I’ve been maintaining my 140 lbs. lost. It’s been for months now. I want to lose another 60-70 lbs. I’m doing a new program called CoreLife Medical. I’m using the tools at my disposal. The nurse practitioner. The nutritionist (first time I’ve ever worked with one). A behavioral therapist. A personal trainer. I’m also using the LoseIt! app to track food and nutrients, as they recommended. My FitBit is synced with the app, so I’m tracking my activity and sleeping, too.

I have learned a lot in my 54 years. Sadly, it was only 4 years ago that I actually began to see myself as a worth while endeavor. I climbed out of the darkness, but not quite into the light. I found that the twilight of being alive instead of the darkness of existing was a good place to be. Now, I’m starting to look out into the morning sun. I realized I wasn’t happy to be alive for the first 50 years of my life. In past 2 years, I have finally started to be happy to be alive.

I will always have the scars in my mind from my abusive childhood. They won’t go away, but they will have less and less of an effect on me. I let Mom’s shadow get to me the past month or so. Time to turn on the light and fly free. I was a caterpillar for a long time. Now, I’m coming out of the shell and learning to fly. Look out world! Here comes the new butterfly!

I’ve climbed back onto the planet of the living

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I’ve been missing for a while. I don’t know if anyone missed me, but I know I was hiding in my tiny corner of the world. I’ve been fighting my inner demons a lot lately. They’ve been eating me alive. I’m finally pulling myself out of their claws.

I’ve been doing a lot of all or nothing thinking lately. I’ve been categorizing everything I do as either 100% good or 100% bad. No existing in between. My eating habits in particular have been all or nothing, and not very healthy. When I’m good, I don’t eat anything. Eating anything is bad. It doesn’t matter if its a 100 calorie salad, it’s still bad to eat it. I’m very unhappy with myself for maintaining my 140 lb. loss, and not losing more. So, the moping about and blaming and intolerance. I’ve got to fix this in my head. So, after looking back through my DBT workbooks, I’ve come to a conclusion. I have to change the way I am thinking about my state.

Instead of being disgusted with myself for not losing more, I should be proud that I’ve maintained this loss for over 6 months. That’s a long time for me NOT TO GAIN! I should be ecstatic! Instead, I’ve been looking at it as a failure. I think that every time I eat I shouldn’t be eating. I stopped working out and walking. I felt like it was pointless because I was eating and still as big as a giant whale. Enough of the self-loathing. Enough of the self-hate. All that was doing was making things worse. No hope. No worthiness. No chance for success. So, I’m shifting the POV.

Never before have I lost so much weight. Never before have I maintained without gaining back the lost weight and then some. It’s been years since I could wear clothes this size. I actually fit in public places (restaurant booths, narrow hallways, and such). I can’t even lift the amount of weight that I’ve lost. I’ve got a lot to be proud of. I am worthy of respect and acceptance.

To help cement this in my mind, I’m back to doing a daily DBT diary card to make sure I keep using my skills. I’ve done a pros and cons of my current behavior, and compared it to one of my previous behaviors (while losing). I’m struggling to stay in Wise Mind. I’m using cheerleading statements. Affirmations. Before and after photos. Lots of reflective writing. When I stopped using my skills, the demons crept out of their crypt, and dragged me back in with them.

I was sleeping way too much. Binge eating, again. Telling myself how stupid/fat/ugly/disgusting/useless/worthless I was. Actually, in reflection, I’m amazed that I didn’t gain all the weight back. When I think about it, I have changed my habits enough that they carried me through the crypt and kept me from going entirely into the dark.

My binges are no where near what they once were. When I ate in the past, it was like I was afraid someone was going to take the food away from me. I ate everything I could get my hands on, no matter how it tasted. I’d sneak and eat away from prying eyes. I eat until it hurt and keep on going. Now, I actually stopped when I realized the food didn’t taste good or wasn’t satisfying me. It was healthier food (whole grain bread instead of a whole quarter sheet cake). I didn’t hide that fact that I was eating. Well, what do you know? I wasn’t doing as badly as I tried to tell myself I was!

I am going to go back to taking care of myself. Buying healthy foods, not junk. drinking more water. Walking every morning. Working out 2-3 times a week. Journaling every morning. Using my DBT skills every day. Self-soothing with a bubble bath or candle watching or coloring or reading. Practice my mindfulness and meditation practice. I’m starting a new weight loss program, too. CoreLife Med. I’m hoping it will combine with all my efforts to help me lose another 60-80 lbs. I took a year to lose the 140 lbs., it’s just not realistic to think I’ll get the rest off with no effort. Kind of silly of me, wasn’t it? I know better. I just let all my demons take charge. They are sneaky things. I let my guard down for a few days, and they came and took charge.

I’ve got this. I have the tools. I have the knowledge. I will do this.

What to do when you’re sinking fast.

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I’m tired of this plateau. I seem to keep running just to stay still. I haven’t changed my eating habits. I’m being more active. I’m drinking more water. So why am I not losing anything except my peace of mind?

I’ve always been an emotional eating. Trying to fill the emptiness with calories. I’m not doing that this time around. I guess I should see that as a victory. In the old days, I would have eaten 4 or 5 cheeseburgers, a large fry, and a cake in one sitting. I don’t do that any more, and even though it was my go to strategy for years, I’m not feeling to urge to do it now. Progress, right?

I need to find a new way to comfort myself and reassure myself. I just want to hide in my little corner and pretend that there are no people out there. I want to be left alone in the dark. I don’t want to eat. So what can I do to put myself in a better place?

Talk to someone? I don’t want to pull anyone else into my bog. I’m not in therapy any more (I “graduated”). Discussion boards with strangers are not an attractive option. I guess I’ll settle for writing a nice, long letter to myself. Use cheerleading statements. List my concerns. Determine what I can and can’t control. Use radical acceptance. Maybe some behavioral chain analysis worksheets while I’m at it. Do some goal planning. A vision board. Try to use the words to rise from the ashes.

I need to look to the light. I haven’t gained any weight. I am fairly healthy. I have a home and a husband. I have friends. Things could be a lot worse. Note to self: That line really doesn’t ever work when you’re down in the bog. All I see at this point is the dark.

I am at least aware of my thoughts, feelings, and motivations this time. I need to be strong and use my DBT skills and do something. Actions change feelings. Thoughts do not change how you feel. If I give up, I know I’ll end up pulling the bog in behind me and not coming out. I have to fight for me. I deserve to feel worthy and useful. It’s time to do some serious work.

Am I the only one?

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This time of year, according to the “rules of life”, we’re supposed to be happy, give until it hurts, and eat tons of sweets and dinners. We’re supposed to treasure our loved ones and have fun with them. But what if you don’t have good memories of your family? What if they always hurt you?

I used to feel very, very guilty because I didn’t want to be around my family during the holidays. I don’t have any happy memories from Christmas. All I remember is being told I ate too much and was too fat. It was rough. There they were making all of this food: ham, turkey, rolls, sweet potato casserole, dozens of cookies, red velvet cake with cream cheese frosting, and more. It surrounded me. I don’t remember games, singing Christmas carols, never had a white Christmas, or feeling validated. I remember being told I couldn’t have this cake or that cookie. I grew up equating food with being good and loved. So, when I wasn’t allowed to have the food, I thought I was unworthy and unwanted. A nuisance. A waste of space.

What did I do in response? Of course, I snuck food into my room. Gorged on everything I could find, whether I liked it or not. All that mattered was filling the empty space in my soul. I thought I could do it with food. I really, really tried to fill up my soul. I thought if I just ate enough all the pain and emptiness would go away. It was also a way to try to exert some control over my life. It was like bailing out a sinking ship with a seive. Not very effective. In fact, it only made things worse.

Do I still have issues with the holidays? Yes. Even though the people that hurt me so much are no longer around, I now feel guilty because I don’t want them around. You’re supposed to love spending holidays with your family, aren’t you? At least, that is what I always see on all the media. You’re a bad person if you aren’t with your family or don’t want to be around them.

I am so tired of that. I have learned to understand that you don’t have to let others hurt you to earn love. In fact, you shouldn’t have to earn love that way. If they hurt you, they don’t love you, no matter what they say. The love the power they have over you. They don’t deserve that. You deserve to be happy. Content. Serene.

Now, instead of eating 2 dozen sugar cookies in 5 minutes, I’ve learned to write my feelings out. Thanks to therapy, I know it’s OK not to want to be around people that hurt you, no matter what everyone else says. When I do a behavioral chain analysis of my binge eating, I often find that the beginning of the binge is thinking of my family and my past experiences with them. So, how to handle it?

I now stop, allow myself to feel, tell myself it is OK, I am a good person and I deserve to be happy. I tell my inner child that we are safe. No one is going to hurt us. Is it easy to stop and do this? Not always. Some days I can’t manage it at all. But, the good news is that now it works more often than not. I’ve learned to be mindful. Accept, don’t expect. Let go of judgements. See the good and beauty in every moment. I manage this about 80% of the time. The other 20% I have my old demons coming back to control me. Yet, those periods of pain/sorrow/self-hate/dejection are getting shorter and shorter. I don’t always run to the food to try to numb my feelings or fill the hole. It has taken me a lot of work to get here. I have more to do. I accept that I am a human being with all the beauty, feelings, thoughts, flaws, and miracles that it entails. Life is not always good. Sometimes it is rough and tries you. You can’t control what others do or what happens around you. You have to learn to accept it, deal with it or let it go, and move on.

This Christmas, I will be having my half-brother come to see me for Christmas Eve and Christmas Dinner. Our mother died 2 years ago. His father died this past summer. I am his “second momma”. He is 21 years younger than me. I feel good about him coming. I am looking forward to cooking for him. I want to make his Christmas a good one, even though I didn’t have good ones. I’m moving on. I’m creating peace and fulfillment for myself by creating a new Christmas tradition. One in which food is still there, but it is not controlling me. I can eat the cookies, cake, ham, and such with moderation. I can enjoy and not lose control. It will necessitate being mindful and accepting what is, not expecting what isn’t. I can do it. I will do it.