mindfulness

Another Year, Another Chance

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Well, I’m another year older. I don’t really feel like I’m that old, but my students would tell me that I am. I have been working hard to treat myself well and be healthier in every way. Self care is big on my to do list. How am I going to do it this year, if I’ve not managed it ever before?

Mindfulness. DBT skills. Self soothing. Crafting. Writing. Those are my weapons of choice against the dreadful inertia of apathy that I have suffered from for so long. If you don’t do anything, nothing will change. So, time to put on my big girl panties and go to work. I am feeling better about myself, now. Modern psychiatry is a wonderful thing. I have a great therapist. For the first time in therapy, I actually feel progress and change. I am actually applying all the skills I’ve spent the past 8 years learning. I feel like a seed, buried in the cold ground. I can feel the sun is up there, and the rain is getting me ready to join the world.

I am making more things. I am crocheting a table runner for my mother, for her Mother’s Day gift. It is ironic that I will put so much time into her gift, when she has always made herself feel better at my expense. But, I do it because I actually enjoy making something beautiful, not because of her. I can’t count on her to validate me. I have learned to validate myself. And I will do that by showing myself what a lovely item I can make.

I am eagerly awaiting the Spring! I have gardening plans and tons of seeds waiting for their chance to grow. Veggies. Herbs. Flowers. I love them all. I used to enjoy working in the garden when I was a kid. Mom had me do it because she said that she was too pale to be out in the sun so much. That turned out to be a good thing for me. I loved it outside and growing things has become a life long love. The work you do, shows and rewards you, no matter what anyone else says or does.

I am starting to branch out a bit, and talk about more things than just DBT. I hope that shows how DBT and mindfulness apply to all the facets of your life. It will help you heal and support yourself, even when no one else will.

Back after a hiatus

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I have stayed away because I’ve been in a very dark place. My own head. I am finally climbing out. I stopped working on mindfulness, acceptance, and letting go of judging and expectations. It was a mistake. My whole life went into a death spiral. Now, I’ve reclaimed my life. I have to accept that life is work, it does not come easy.

I’ve been journaling a lot. I am making junk journals and bullet journals. I need to keep my mind straight, and the journals help. I do a lot of problem solving in my journals. The prettier they are, the more I am likely to use them. Sort of like bait. I find that putting my problems and expectations onto paper makes them easier to deal with. They are out of my spin cycle of a brain, and I can take them apart and find the answers that I need.

 

It’s finally spring . . .

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Well, the weather has finally decided to stay warm. My garden is calling. Seedlings force their way through the soil and into the sunlight. The change from a seed to a plant never ceases to amaze and invigorate me. The process of growth and change are miraculous. So, why can’t I have my own metamorphosis?

I yearn to change and feel good about myself. I think Spring is really the time to start anew, not Winter. All the world is waking up and becoming aware of itself, so why not me, too? I have been frustrated this winter by my inability to progress in my efforts to remake myself. My meditation practice has suffered. My healthy behaviors have stumbled. I have stagnated. I stopped living in the present and started doubting myself and pulling up all the tortures of my past. Time to stop.

Pay attention to the growth in the world and the way my soul mirrors this becoming. I deserve to feel content and alive. I need to contact that serene being within me. I need to slow down and watch the beauty of nature growing around me. Stop dwelling in the pain of the past and start reaching for the sun with the plants in my garden.

This morning, when I made my tea, I stopped worrying and really paid attention to what I was doing. Selecting the cup — pretty flowers and butterflies on the outside to please my eyes, a comfortable handle to please my hand. Heating the water — listening to the water begin to bubble, feeling the warmth, smelling the steam. Selecting the tea — wanting a strong flavor, picking among the choices (Darjeeling, English Breakfast, Tropical Green, and dozens more), selecting a yummy aroma. Pouring sweetener into the mug — watching the particles trickle from the spoon, catching a whiff of the sweetness. Brewing the tea — watching the water change from clear to deep, rich brown; smelling the tea as the steam rises; feeling the comforting warmth of the tea through the mug. Adding cream — watching the thick, white liquid pour from the container; watching the dark brown turn creamy white. Finally taking that first sip — luxuriating in the aroma, swirling the rich brew in my mouth, feeling the warmth move from my mouth to my throat. So much beauty and pleasure, if you just live in the moment and feel gratitude for what you have.

I am feeling reborn, now. Reinvigorated when it comes to caring for myself. I deserve to reach for the sun and experience all the beauty that life has for us, if we just notice it. I will be present in the moment, while working to reach contentment and serenity that I need to be successful as a human being.

Time for growth

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It is that in-between season, not quite Spring and not quite Winter. Plants are waking up from their rest. Trees are pumping pollen into the air as quickly as possible. Flowers are beginning to spread across the land. And for me, it’s time to decide. Will I keep working on myself or will I give up?

Time for some wise mind. Emotional mind says give it up, you aren’t good enough to succeed. Suspiciously, the voice of emotional mind sounds very much like my mother. Rational mind points out that I have managed to be healthier in the past. I have lost weight and worked out and felt good about myself. So, what is the middle ground? Accept that most of my life I was told I was not pretty or smart or worthy. That a lot of the time I was told I was fat, ugly, stupid, and a major mistake. I can’t change those facts. I can let them go and stop giving my abusers so much power. It isn’t easy. It requires hard effort and determination. But, to succeed and love myself and care for myself, I have to rise above it and let go. The lotus flower rises above the mud and water to show its beauty. I will be a lotus flower. I will keep trying to eat healthy. I will work out. I will be compassionate with myself. I will be better. I will stop judging myself against an impossible standard. No two flowers bloom exactly alike. All of them are beautiful in their own way. People are like that, too. We shouldn’t cause each other pain with judgments and unrealistic expectations. Being mindful means we should look for the positive in the moment, not expect things to be different than they are. Adding wise mind to that, we pair acceptance of ourselves with an ongoing effort to take better care of ourselves. Accepting the past and feelings, then letting them pass like dandelion seeds on the wind.

Why I Love to Beat Myself Up

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I’ve been stuck in my head for the last couple of weeks. Telling myself all kinds of bad things. I learned to do it well. My parents made sure of that. “You’re so stupid you could make a saint curse,” was a favorite of my father. My mother routinely told me how ugly I was and that every bad thing that happened to me was my own fault, while bragging about how great she was, herself. You get the picture.

I have to work hard to remember to reframe my negative thoughts and stop judging myself. If I don’t, it’s a terrible downward spiral, which only gets worse the longer it goes. At the bottom, I end up in the psych ward. I stopped before I got there, this time. I put a deliberate effort into using therapy apps and journaling. They helped me reframe and rephrase those negatives and see the positives. From “I’m disgusting and unlovable” to “I am pretty and deserve good things.” I have to keep reminding myself that my mother didn’t really mean to hurt me; she was damaged by her own parents and was seeking validation from the closest source she had at the time. Putting me down made her feel better about herself, temporarily. It didn’t last, though, so she had to keep repeating the process.

I am trying hard to feel gratitude and be mindful. Accept, don’t expect. That is my mantra. It reminds me not to judge and not to be disappointed by my expectations. There is beauty and good in the world, you just have to adjust your thinking and the way you look at things to find it. Stay here in the here and now. You can’t appreciate what is happening if you’re overlooking it for something in the future or stuck reliving the past. Mindfulness will help you make it to being aware of the good things here and now. If you have trouble with it, focus on your breathing for a few minutes. It will help ground you in the present. Let your thoughts and feelings pass. Clinging to them creates the stress of anticipating the future or dwelling in the past. The pain can tell you what you need to work on, but don’t let it dominate you. Acknowledge it, examine it, like a delicate flower, then do what you can about it, and finally, let it go like blowing a dandelion into the wind.

Accept. Don’t expect.

Learning not to hate myself

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Why is it so hard to love yourself? I know I was told all my life that there was nothing good or useful about me. It worked very well at making me doubt my worth in any sense of the word. Good job Mom, Dad, and family!

I have been fighting with this problem in particular for the past couple of weeks. I haven’t been taking good care of myself, and I feel it. Forget wise mind or mindfulness. I’ve been on a self-destruct pathway that is leading me straight to an inner hell. I feel so totally empty and unhappy with myself. I know that if I start taking better care of myself I’ll be happier and healthier. I need to use my wise mind and balance the feelings with the things I need to do. It is OK to feel unsure, or sad. For my best life, I need to let them pass and move on after acknowledging them. I need to use them to locate the cause(s) of my stress and negative behaviors. Once I’ve done that, I can be mindful and present in the moment. Addressing the issues and doing something about them to improve my life. For example, my boss has been really stressed about changes at work. I have allowed her feelings to become my feelings, even though I don’t need to do so. As a result, I’ve felt hopeless and powerless, which lead to poor choices in what and how much I have eaten and how active I’ve been. That caused me to gain back some of the weight I’ve lost. That made me feel like a failure and angry at myself. So, now that I’ve unraveled the feelings to their source, I can act upon them and improve things.

  1. Let go of the stress. It isn’t even mine.
  2. Plan for better eating. Shop for healthy food, not junk.
  3. Start walking, again.
  4. Keep journaling. The thoughts in my head need an outlet, or else they fester and make things worse.
  5. Reach out to friends. Know that they see me as a worthwhile person, worthy of good things.
  6. Stop letting the scale dictate my self worth.
  7. Focus on the good that I have done. Let go of the bad.

So, be mindful. Use wise mind and self soothing strategies. Move ahead and let go of the bad.

Why is it so hard to see the good?

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I know that I will be happier if I look for the good, be grateful, and stop expecting and judging. So, why is it so hard to do those things?

Because I’m human. People seem to automatically look for the worst possible things and judge each other instantaneously. We’re taught to do that from the cradle. It’s hard to unlearn those behaviors. Learning to be mindful and shift my mind set is hard. I’ve worked hard in therapy to learn skills to make it possible and not let my emotions rule me. Judging leads me to negative emotions. I need to learn to let go. To integrate the passing of thoughts and emotions like clouds in the sky into my brain. It is difficult to do. I often catch myself still expecting and judging, but I am getting better at noticing it and stopping to reframe my thoughts into a more positive format.

Accept; don’t expect. You’ll be far happier and feel better about the world. When you accept, you can see the beauty in everything and feel love and kindness for everyone. That is a goal worth striving for.

I’m Back

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I’ve been out of touch for a while. I had the flu (yes, I had gotten the shot) and was out of commission for a couple of weeks. Then, my computer died on me. That’s all OK and water under the bridge. On the bright side, I got a new computer and got out of going to see family that I didn’t really care to see. And, I had some time to think.

I realized that I haven’t been taking good care of myself. I’ve been living in “what-if-land” instead of staying in the present and being mindful. I was working very hard on improving my health and mental status. Eating better food. Walking and working out. Then, for some reason, I just stopped. It was almost like I was punishing myself or afraid to succeed. Why?

I know I’ll always be the fat, ugly girl in part of my mind, even though I know it is not true. I have people telling me that I look great. I don’t look my age and they can tell I’ve lost a lot of weight. So, why do I let the little voice in my head tell me that they are lying? It is ridiculous of me to call everyone a liar. I need to learn to accept the compliments and not look for the attack that I used to think was coming. Wise Mind says that it’s OK to feel emotions, but you have to temper them with logic and reason. It is not logical that everyone would lie to me. I have to balance my reaction. I do deserve to be happy and healthy. This punishment of myself must end. I need to stop being afraid of change, too.

Taking care of myself is new and different for me. I spent most of my life trying not to live or be hurt. I was never happy. Now, I know that I can be happy and content with my life. I know I can take better care of myself and have a better life. Focus on the here and now. Don’t anticipate failure or pain. They are part of life, but I can pick myself up and go on with living. I don’t have to be stuck in the misery. Let go of the pain from the past. Accept the beauty of now. There are good things in life. Healthy food tastes good, too. You can still have chocolate, just not a ton of it. Moderation in all things; material things and emotions and responses.

I watch other people struggling with whether or not they deserve contentment and peace. I understand their problems. I have had them for years. Feeling inadequate, undeserving, hopeless, useless. I know those things are not true for anyone. I have an easier time explaining that to others, than reminding myself. I am enough. I deserve serenity. I will be content and satisfied with my life. Everyone should.

Waiting and wondering serenely

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So, a major winter storm is headed this way. Lots of people are already stressing about it. I know there is nothing I can do to change it, so, I’ll accept it and look for the positive. The snow and ice will be beautiful on the trees. I will get to stay home in my cozy little house and bake and craft. It will the closest I can remember to having a white Christmas here.

I am struggling a bit with my eating, though. I am craving comfort foods, and unfortunately they are not kind to my body. So, accept, don’t expect. I know what I am wanting, and I know what I should do. Time to reconcile the two. I can make comfort foods healthier. I can let myself have what my soul craves and slowly savor and enjoy it, so my body can tell my mind it is time to stop. Mindfulness. Staying in wise mind. Letting the feel good emotions take place. Satisfying the needs of my body. Not judging myself; rather, showing compassion.

It is alright to enjoy food. It is alright to do what I can to be healthy. I deserve both things. The key is to take my time, not rush into or through the experience. That will help me satisfy the craving and care for my body and mind. Food will always hold an allure for me that will be hard to deny. I accept that. I cannot expect myself to suddenly want kale and spinach instead of cake and cheeseburgers. During the snow and sleet, I will curl up with my cup of cocoa and homemade bread and enjoy the scents, flavors, and sights.

Find the inner serenity that comes from gratitude for what you have and acceptance of what is. We create so much of our own pain by expecting things to be as we want and wanting more and more. Slow down. Enjoy and savor each moment and each thing as they are.

‘Tis the time of the year when everything is dear.

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So, I survived Thanksgiving. Of course, it was only my husband, my dog, and me. That definitely helped minimize the stress. Now, it’s time to worry about Christmas.

So far, I’m staying on my plateau. Not gaining. Not losing. Of course, I still have to bake cookies and make candy. So, how to do it, when everyone expects it, and not gain a ton? I think the key is to NOT totally deny yourself the treats of the season. If you want something, savor it. Enjoy it. Embrace it. Be mindful as you eat it. Notice the scent, the texture, the weight, the sweetness, the saltiness, the memories. Take time to enjoy it and you won’t inhale the whole batch.

Yes, I have to bake. I could refuse, but then several people would be disappointed. My husband’s work place is used to him bringing in a big spread of homemade goodness. It makes me feel good to brighten up their holiday; retail work really sucks this time of year. I bring some in to my coworkers. I make some for my husband’s family. For some of these people, my gifts are the only homemade goodies they get. I think that is kind of sad. It makes me appreciate the childhood Christmases.

As a child, I learned to bake and make candy. My mom supervised, and often wasn’t very happy about the situation. I didn’t realize then, how lucky I was. So many kids today don’t ever get to decorate a cookie or make fudge. They don’t get to taste goodies made with love. It is sad. Enjoy it while it lasts!