mindfulness

Managing Emotional Tiredness: Tips for a Dull Day at Work

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Well, I’m having one of those days where I just seem to be stuck in the mud. Can’t get anywhere. I’ve already done everything I am supposed to do today at work. I have 4 more hours. It feels like the mud is drying. And this is about as exciting as watching mud dry.

I know that according to DBT, I should be mindful and pay attention to the little things that are actually happening at this moment in this place. Participate in what is happening. The problem with those is that no one is doing anything except sitting there gazing into their computers (I work in a tutoring center in a library). I did try writing letters to my pen pals. I got all but 1 finished. I’m too tired emotionally to write another good letter, so I’m letting that wait. I can’t exactly get out a deck of cards and play some poker with the tutors. Not very professional. So, any ideas? The firewall on the school’s network is such that you can’t go to any “fun” sites. So no computer games. I could nosh on some popcorn. That could provide some diversion, but I have to be careful not to eat too much. Trying to lose weight. So, I’ve decided to write. To get my mind unstuck and get the flotsam out of it.

So, participate. I’ll write this entry. I’ll have my popcorn. Then, if nothing else has come up, I’ll take a nap under the desk, just kidding. With my luck I’d get caught.

I’m trying not to get stuck within my head. It’s not a good place for me to go. I start beating myself up like Godzilla unleashing on Tokyo. I know I don’t deserve to be treated badly, not even by my own mind, but I do it any way. I was taught to see myself as less than human. Ugly. Stupid. Disgusting. Useless. A waste of space. My parents did a very good job of that, and no one at school really helped undo it. They all thought I was weird. Now, people tell me I am intimidating, so I don’t get a lot of positive feedback these days, either.

Why am I intimidating? I guess because I don’t let people get close until I know they are safe. I don’t want to be hurt any more, so I keep them at a distance until I decide if they can be trusted. I guess I also expect others to do their jobs and do them well, so that intimidates them, too. I have high standards, and not everyone meets them. Don’t get me wrong. I deliberately try not to judge anyone else. I know how much that hurts.

OK. This afternoon: popcorn, letter writing, thinking about myself in positive terms, and no beating myself up. I think that will be a full afternoon.

Why do I do it to myself?

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I find that like a lot of others, I self sabotage. I know I’m doing it, even as I do it. I know it will make me feel even more miserable and unhappy than I do to start. Why do I keep doing it? Could it be old habits die hard? Could it be better the devil you know? Could it be laziness? Could it be old behavior that was helpful at one point but isn’t any more? All of the above? How do you know? And how do you improve your performance?

So. The cause. Once upon a time, when my family used food for a reward and a means to control my behavior, eating a lot whenever I got the opportunity or to make myself feel loved, made sense in a twisted kind of way. I was young. I thought food equaled love, power, and security. That happens when your parents will hide food and limit your food intake because you’re too fat at the age of 5. Newsflash, I’ve seen pictures of myself. I wasn’t fat. I didn’t become fat until my teenage years. So, their major control over my food and the way my parents and grandparents used it as a reward, gave me serious food issues. In my mind, the more food you got the better you were. So, I learned to binge whenever the opportunity presented itself. That habit has remained in my personality until today. I learned the lesson very well.

I also put on weight as a defense mechanism. I thought if I were fat enough, my grandfather would stop touching me in ways that he shouldn’t. He didn’t stop, but I kept trying to distance myself from him with food.

Between those 2 things, I did gain a lot of weight. I made it up to 400 lbs. The use of food for comfort, reward, and defense is hard wired into my brain. So, why didn’t I change it when I realized it was not a good thing to do? I think it was a combination of laziness, comfort, and stubborness. It was easier to keep doing what I had always done. I knew that being fat meant not being respected or expected to be very much as a person. Lower expectations are considerably easier to meet. Fear of failure kept me from trying to do better. It was easier to be a no body.

I was slowly trying to kill myself with food. I didn’t understand that until I finally found a therapist who actually saw me as a person, not a fat person. I finally learned to use my DBT skills. I am teaching myself CBT skills. I get up early to walk to feel better. Journal to get the thoughts out of my head so that I can see, accept, and let go of my thoughts and feelings. Check my planner to help me cope ahead with whatever is coming in the day ahead. Check in with my DBT diary to remind myself to keep using the skills I learned. Take my medicine. Get myself together.

I have finally stopped trying to kill myself with food. I do still binge, but now a binge is 3 donuts or 2 snack cakes. It used to be an entire quarter sheet cake and 5 cheeseburgers and a couple large fries and a large coke. I actually like life now. I’m like the butterfly spreading my wings. I spent most of my life as a caterpillar: eating huge amounts of food, hiding from predators. Learning the new skills and approach to life were pupating.

I’m getting myself to a better place every day. I work to be fitter. I am getting smaller. I rejoined WW. I apply my DBT skills. I use mindfulness and acceptance to make it through every day. I cope ahead to handle food stress and problems I know are coming. I accept that I cannot control everything, so I must learn to let it all go. Let my feelings pass and know they are not facts, they are impressions. Eat to be healthy, not to comfort or control. My wings are enjoying the feeling of the sun. I’m not hiding under a leaf any more.

The infamous last dinner of dieting

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Everyone who has ever planned to lose weight, knows about the last dinner. That last meal where you let yourself eat what you really want in preparation for denying and depriving yourself so that you will lose weight. Isn’t that kind of setting yourself up to fail?

If you’re looking at food as rewarding = not healthy and good food = not what you want, aren’t you telling yourself that you don’t deserve to be happy and healthy? That is not a good way to live your life. Everyone deserves to be happy and healthy. You are a human being. You are worthy and valuable to the world. So stop punishing yourself to be “better.”

Needing to lose weight does not mean you are weak, less than anyone else, or deserve punishment. It means that you’ve got some unhealthy habits or problems that need to be improved and unlearned. None of us set out to be fat. We were just trying to comfort or reward ourselves in a world that didn’t meet our needs or care about us. So, we picked up using food to self-medicate. After all, food doesn’t tell you you are ugly, useless, less than, or unworthy. Food provides comfort and enjoyment. Sadly, when that is our only source of comfort and filling the emptiness inside our souls, it creates more problems, making it necessary to use food and even more of a drug. Creating more problems. Increasing the urge to eat. And so on. The classic viscious cycle.

Until, you decide it is time to lose weight. Become a “better” person.

Enter the last dinner. You promise yourself that you will enjoy this last meal, and it will get you through the denial you plan to practice to lose weight. You get all you favorites. Cheeseburgers. Fries. Chocolate cake. Cookies. Ice cream. Pasta loaded with cheese. Grilled cheese. Whatever gets your appetite going. Lots of each thing, too, of course. Eating until you are painfully full because you expect to never eat the “good stuff” again, because you are going to lose weight. Has it ever worked for you?

It doesn’t work out that way for anyone I’ve ever known. You set yourself up to fail when you approach your eating habits like that. You’re telling yourself A) what you like/love is off limits, B) there is “good” food and “bad” food, and C) you must be punished to redeem yourself. None of those things is healthy for you.

To really get healthy, you have to change habits and mind sets. You can’t view the changes as punishments, or you’ll resent them and sabotage yourself. You can’t think of it as punishing yourself, or you’ll rebel and comfort yourself the same way you always have. You need to know that all food can be good, it’s the amounts that make anything bad for you.

You must eat food that you actually like, for changes to stick. Maybe that means eating mindfully. No more mindless noshing in front of the TV or social media. Actually looking at your food, smelling it, tasting it. Slowing down. Those changes will help you enjoy what you eat and not need so much of it to be content. Perhaps, you’ll need to learn to prepare your favorites yourself and in a healthier way.

You also need to learn new ways to comfort yourself and deal with stress. Food hasn’t worked for you, yet, and it probably never will. I highly recommend therapy and DBT to learn to deal with stressors. You’ll get tools and strategies to use. Behavioral chain analysis, where you break down the behavior you want to change and develop ways to change it. Self soothing that doesn’t involve food (coloring, crafting, reading, listening to music, journaling, taking a bath, taking a walk, etc.). Mindfulness and letting emotions and thoughts pass, instead of being trapped in them. Acceptance of life as it is, reducing the stress from thinking life is supposed to be a particular way. You can do it.

So, no more last dinners. Make every meal a pleasure and you’ll be happier and healthier.

So what is real food anyway? And why does it matter?

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Any dieter can tell you that there is real food and there is diet food, and never the twain shall meet. The message fat people have been given is that they don’t deserve good, tasty, real food; and the only way to become a thin (read better) person is to eat only diet food.

What, you may ask, is the difference? Well, let’s start by defining diet food. This food usually contains substitutes for sugar and fats. Often drier and powdery. Often high protein and fiber, and low in flavor. And also usually highly processed and fake. Examples would include the ever popular rice cakes, celery, sugar and fat free hot cocoa, diet sodas. There are many, many more. Anyone who’s ever tried to lose weight knows the list by heart. Frequent words of wisdom to dieters are “if it tastes good, spit it out.”

Real food is natural. Contains all of its parts. Tastes good. Usually higher in calories and satisfaction. It can be very healthy (leafy greens) or it can be rather bad for you (birthday cake).

So, if all it takes is switching to diet food, why isn’t everyone a size 0? Well, lets begin with satisfaction. Real food pleases the palate. It fuels and feeds your body and soul. There is a great variety and abundance. Diet food, not so much. In the past, when I believed in the diet food mantra, I would find myself unsatisfied. Yearning for a specific flavor and/or texture. So, in an attempt to satisfy that need, I’d eat a ton of diet food, which never did take care of the craving. I’d often end up eating far more than if I’d just gone ahead and eaten the real food. So naturally, I never lost weight. I thought about this problem a lot this time around with WW.

I had a eureka moment. I was consuming far too much calorie-wise, even though I was only eating diet foods. Why couldn’t I stop binge eating the diet foods? Surely the solution was to find a way to no longer need to binge or crave or punish myself. So, I went through therapy (a good therapist is a MUST). I read some books on ways to lose weight. I looked up how others had lost weight on the internet. And I came to this conclusion. Every person deserves real food. No one should use food as a punishment, withholding good food because they are fat and unworthy of good food. Next, I began letting myself actually eat the real food. I’d been brain washed into thinking I could only eat diet food because I was fat. But, when I allowed myself to eat real food, I found I didn’t need to eat so much. I was satisfied with a lot fewer calories. And I lost weight (141 lbs. to date)!

It is so sad. People trying to lose weight have been taught that they must punish themselves to be a better, smaller person. It doesn’t work. That’s why people can’t lose all the weight they would like to lose, and then they gain it back with reinforcements. Don’t do that to yourself. Be mindful. Reflect on what a great, wonderful, beautiful being you are. Know that you deserve good things, including delicious food.

Mindful eating means taking your time. Making your meal an event. Enjoying what you eat. Giving your body a chance to let you know when you’ve had enough. Put your fork down between bites. Sip a little water as you eat. Don’t tell yourself you have to be in the clean plate club. It is OK not to eat all of the food on your plate. If you don’t have enough, and you’re still hungry, you can get some more. Write in your journal about how the food tastes and makes you feel. Think about it; don’t blindly shovel it in trying to fill up your emptiness inside. Take the power away from the food, and give it to yourself. Diet food hurts you in the long run (artificial ingredients, continuing weight gain, feeling miserable). Liberate yourself from the diet food. You’ll feel better and be healthier.

The Lotus in the Well

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I’m really struggling these days. I know what I should be doing to take care of myself, but I can’t seem to do it. It’s like I’ve given up. It’s like the deep, dark moss covered well of muddy water is sucking me under, into its depths. Enclosing me in a miasma of self-loathing, self-hate, and despair.

What brought this on? The snide comments of my mother-in-law? Worrying about my sister and half-brother? Concern about the future? Exhaustion from working so hard on myself? All of the above?

Yeah, I think that’s it. All of the above. I’ve been trying to self medicate with carbs. It’s not helping, and I know it isn’t helping. So why am I still doing it? There is this feeling that I don’t deserve to feel good. That I should be a lonely, fat, disgusting lump of flesh because it’s all I deserve. My inner critic is really loud these days. I can’t seem to shut her up or reason with her.

Do I really deserve to feel this badly? No. I’ve done nothing to hurt anyone else. In fact, I think my friends, family, and coworkers would say that I am a good person. I’ve even been called sweet and helpful. I’ve never hurt anyone on purpose, and if I did I’ve always done everything I could to make it up to them. And of course, I am a human being; so I have worth just like everyone else does, even when I don’t feel it.

How do I climb out of the well? The mud is sticky. The mossy walls slick. No light to see.

I must remind myself and convince myself that I do deserve to feel good. Be healthy. Enjoy life. But how?

First of all, I’m going to vent here. Done. Then do some problem solving. Some pros and cons. I’ll get my journal out and fill the pages with thousands of words expressing my positives. My skills. My uses. My importance. Use my DBT tools (pros & cons, behavioral chain analysis) to figure out what to do. How to climb out of the mud and over the moss.

To complete my journaling, I’m going to use some of my colorful pens, washi tape, and stickers to make it happy. After all, you change things by acting, not by ruminating over the feelings like a cow chewing cud. Fake it ’til you make it, as my therapist used to say.

As I write, I’m going to look at things objectively. List my problems. My pains. Then, examine why they hurt so much. Next, I’ll use the tools to brainstorm solutions to heal the pain. The pain never really goes away. I think you just learn to handle it. You find the hand- and foot-holds out of the well. It’s still there. Just as gross and dark as always, but you exist in among the garden around it. Full of light and peace and contentment. You learn to see the butterfly flitting from flower to flower; happy just to be. You learn to see the maple tree grow; using what nature gives it and expecting no more or less. You learn to bloom like the roses; not worrying about how you compare to another.

It always takes time, effort, and determination to climb out of the well and explore the garden. I’ve done it before. I let myself fall back into the well this month. But, I caught myself before I got stuck in the mud. I’m stronger and better than I used to be. I will live in the garden. Smelling the roses, irises, lavender, and stocks. I’ll feel the warm sun. The rain. I’ll grow like the maple tree. Or maybe like a lotus, rising out of the mud in the well. I will grow stronger and better because of what I have felt and what I am doing to grow and flourish. I am the lotus.

Am I the only one?

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This time of year, according to the “rules of life”, we’re supposed to be happy, give until it hurts, and eat tons of sweets and dinners. We’re supposed to treasure our loved ones and have fun with them. But what if you don’t have good memories of your family? What if they always hurt you?

I used to feel very, very guilty because I didn’t want to be around my family during the holidays. I don’t have any happy memories from Christmas. All I remember is being told I ate too much and was too fat. It was rough. There they were making all of this food: ham, turkey, rolls, sweet potato casserole, dozens of cookies, red velvet cake with cream cheese frosting, and more. It surrounded me. I don’t remember games, singing Christmas carols, never had a white Christmas, or feeling validated. I remember being told I couldn’t have this cake or that cookie. I grew up equating food with being good and loved. So, when I wasn’t allowed to have the food, I thought I was unworthy and unwanted. A nuisance. A waste of space.

What did I do in response? Of course, I snuck food into my room. Gorged on everything I could find, whether I liked it or not. All that mattered was filling the empty space in my soul. I thought I could do it with food. I really, really tried to fill up my soul. I thought if I just ate enough all the pain and emptiness would go away. It was also a way to try to exert some control over my life. It was like bailing out a sinking ship with a seive. Not very effective. In fact, it only made things worse.

Do I still have issues with the holidays? Yes. Even though the people that hurt me so much are no longer around, I now feel guilty because I don’t want them around. You’re supposed to love spending holidays with your family, aren’t you? At least, that is what I always see on all the media. You’re a bad person if you aren’t with your family or don’t want to be around them.

I am so tired of that. I have learned to understand that you don’t have to let others hurt you to earn love. In fact, you shouldn’t have to earn love that way. If they hurt you, they don’t love you, no matter what they say. The love the power they have over you. They don’t deserve that. You deserve to be happy. Content. Serene.

Now, instead of eating 2 dozen sugar cookies in 5 minutes, I’ve learned to write my feelings out. Thanks to therapy, I know it’s OK not to want to be around people that hurt you, no matter what everyone else says. When I do a behavioral chain analysis of my binge eating, I often find that the beginning of the binge is thinking of my family and my past experiences with them. So, how to handle it?

I now stop, allow myself to feel, tell myself it is OK, I am a good person and I deserve to be happy. I tell my inner child that we are safe. No one is going to hurt us. Is it easy to stop and do this? Not always. Some days I can’t manage it at all. But, the good news is that now it works more often than not. I’ve learned to be mindful. Accept, don’t expect. Let go of judgements. See the good and beauty in every moment. I manage this about 80% of the time. The other 20% I have my old demons coming back to control me. Yet, those periods of pain/sorrow/self-hate/dejection are getting shorter and shorter. I don’t always run to the food to try to numb my feelings or fill the hole. It has taken me a lot of work to get here. I have more to do. I accept that I am a human being with all the beauty, feelings, thoughts, flaws, and miracles that it entails. Life is not always good. Sometimes it is rough and tries you. You can’t control what others do or what happens around you. You have to learn to accept it, deal with it or let it go, and move on.

This Christmas, I will be having my half-brother come to see me for Christmas Eve and Christmas Dinner. Our mother died 2 years ago. His father died this past summer. I am his “second momma”. He is 21 years younger than me. I feel good about him coming. I am looking forward to cooking for him. I want to make his Christmas a good one, even though I didn’t have good ones. I’m moving on. I’m creating peace and fulfillment for myself by creating a new Christmas tradition. One in which food is still there, but it is not controlling me. I can eat the cookies, cake, ham, and such with moderation. I can enjoy and not lose control. It will necessitate being mindful and accepting what is, not expecting what isn’t. I can do it. I will do it.

Happy Holidays to All

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It is that time of year. Everyone expects everyone else to be jolly and eat like there is no tomorrow. Lots of cookies, cakes, fudge, pies, and more all over the place. So, what do you do if you are working on losing weight in the middle of all of this?

Well, the traditional answer is abstain from eating any of the yummy sweets. Will that work? Well, yeah, for the short term. Will it make you happy? That depends on how much you value your weight loss over your pleasure. Doing without can be very miserable and lonely. Most people gain some weight this time of year because they are enjoying all the treats. If you don’t enjoy the treats, you will lose weight. If you are one of those rare creatures who actually dislikes sugar and chocolate, you’ll be perfectly happy. If you are a typical person, you won’t. If you’re not happy, you can’t keep doing the same thing. You’ll burn out and quit, trying to recapture your happiness.

What to do? How to succeed and be happy and keep it up for the long term? I have a suggestion or 2 that I hope will help.

First, cope ahead. If you know you’re going to be somewhere that temptation will be running rampant, do things to help reduce the temptation and maintain your health. Eat a healthy snack or meal, so you’re not going to be ready to eat everything in sight. Practice behaviors that allow you to avoid or reduce the amount of treats. If you know a food pusher is going to be there, rehearse how you will speak to them and politely stand up for yourself. Practice moving around the room with a glass of water in your hand so that you are never too near the treats for too long. Keep drinking that water so you are participating, and keeping yourself from getting hungry.

Or, accept that you are going to eat the treats, but practice restraint. Have Grandma’s special pie, just don’t eat the whole thing. Take a few bites of the foods on offer, then stop. Remember, the first few bites taste the best. So don’t keep eating to chase that elusive quality. You won’t find it. This way, you don’t upset anyone, you participate, you don’t punish yourself, and you can keep doing this for the rest of your life. It is possible to have treats and lose weight. Doing this will shed the pounds of pressure, guilt, and loneliness that often come with not participating with everyone else. I know, I know. An adult should be disciplined and mature enough not to give in to peer pressure, but are we really? I’m not. I’ll be having some of the good stuff. I’ll be participating in the party or meal. I’ll let myself enjoy things. And I’ll be mindful when I eat, so that I have control over the amount and content on my plate. In a manner of speaking, I’ll have my cake and eat it, too.

Time keeps on slippin’ into the future

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I feel like I am stuck in a tar pit. My weight loss has slowed down. It makes me feel like a failure, even though I know I am not. I am down 119 lbs. I still feel like a beached whale when I look in the mirror. I have friends who tell me I look a lot different, but I can’t see it.

Factually, I have evidence that I have lost weight. All of my pants had to be taken in 5-6″. I’m down a shoe size. Clothes that used to be tight, now fit loosely, even my leggings! I fit in public seating now.

I guess it’s the fact that even though I’ve come a long way, I still have quite a distance to go. It seems disheartening, like waking up Christmas morning and not getting anything in your letter to Santa. Or having a stranger make fun of you or talk loudly about how disgusting you are. It hurts and it makes you wonder if you will ever be worthy, good enough, loved.

Of course, I am my own harshest critic. I love myself the least. It isn’t good for me. I know this, but old habits are hard to break and I still hear my parents voices telling me I’m fat, stupid, disgusting, embarrassing, and a failure. Wow, those voices are loud! I know that they were feeling bad about themselves and tried to feel better by claiming to be superior to me. There are even times when I can shut them up. I deserve better.

I need to dig out my journal and do some serious reflection and problem solving. Create a of list of all the good things about me and that I have done. List the things that are hurting me and brainstorming what to do about them. Creating goals and plans to reach them. I know it will help. I just have to bring myself to get the pen to the paper. It’s like I’m wallowing in the self hatred for some reason, like a pig in a mud puddle. I need to be more like a kitten playing with butterflies. Feeling good, happy, alive. I should be proud of myself. I am a successful, functional adult. I help people all the time. I am taking better care of myself. I am feeling better, happier most of the time. I’ve just got to stop getting stuck in the quagmire of my brain. Accept, not expect. Don’t judge. This, too, shall pass.

I’ve got this!

Frustration with slow progress

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I am trying not to let myself get down heartened. I want to lose weight faster, but that just isn’t healthy or sustainable. I know this in my mind, but don’t feel it in my heart. So, how can I remain focused and motivated and keep making progress?

First of all, I need to do some major journaling. Reflecting on the following things: 1) I am over a 100 pounds lighter than I was at this time a year ago; 2) my clothes that I wore last year are way too big now; 3) my body doesn’t hurt like it used to; 4) my doctor is very pleased with all of my progress; and 5) people are really starting to notice.

To do this, I will start by listing all of the good things that are happening now because of how far I have gone. The 5 major things above, and any other little thing I can brainstorm and dump onto the paper. I will note all the positive things I am doing now, like how I care enough to moisturize my skin, which I never did before losing this weight. There are bound to be at least a 100 things. Maybe I’ll list them in my next post.

Secondly, I will evaluate how hard/difficult it is to keep doing what I am doing. I’ll list all the pro’s and con’s for each thing. I will determine whether the pro’s or the con’s are stronger, and adjust my actions accordingly. Kind of making a quilt of strategies and reasons. I’ll probably color code it, because I love color and have to have at least a few hundred pens and markers in my stash. It will help me see what is going on in my life and how I have control over my actions, and earn the outcome.

Third, I will brain dump all the things I hope to do, no plan to do, once I have reached my goal. What would make me satisfied and content? What would make my soul joyous? What would improve my life? I think I’ll make a vision board to support this part of my journaling. I need to help my mind, body, and soul see the good things that will come of continuing my efforts.

’cause let’s face it. Losing weight is a lot of work. I’ve come so far. I’ve never lost this much weight before. I never want to get close to 400 lbs. again. I was miserable and hated life. Now, I actually like life. I want to be alive and do things. I spent most of my life not wanting to be alive. I’ve finally stopped that, quitting a bad habit or getting rid of the security blanket that keeps you wrapped up so tightly that you cannot move. I have to keep working to convince myself that I do need to keep doing things for myself and improve my life. I’m kind of like the old cliche of the butterfly from the cocoon. (I love butterflies, so why not?) I am free to live now, and I want to keep doing it. I’m going to clear my head and find the happiness in what I am doing, stop looking at it like it’s work or a chore. It is what makes me feel good.

Keeping up with the keeping up

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I have been on this weight loss journey most of my life. This time, it seems that I am actually succeeding. I’m down 100 lbs. now. I still have a way to go. So how do I keep it up?

I am focusing on portion control and mindful eating. I allow myself to eat what I am wanting, only I eat it slowly and enjoy it. Then I stop when I’m satisfied, not full. What is the difference?

Well, being satisfied, for me, means that I have enjoyed eating the food. I prepared the food to my own specifications. I focused on the food as I ate. I took time to experience the taste, the scent, the texture. I stop eating when the food stops tasting as good. You know, the first few bites are always the best ones. It used to be that I would keep on eating, chasing that elusive first bite taste. Eating more and more, even after I was full. I’d keep going until it hurt. And I still wasn’t satisfied or fulfilled. All it ended up giving me was a feeling of powerlessness and emptiness, some guilt, and an upset stomach.

I’ve learned that I feel better if I don’t eat until I’m full. I heard somewhere that Japanese people who live really long lives say to stop eating when you’re 80% full. That is what started me on this reasoning. I also did a lot of reading on mindful eating. I learned that taking my time and eating less actually makes the food I do eat taste better. I feel more satisfied and in control. I don’t think that I have to eat it all because there isn’t any more coming or someone is going to take it away from me.

I used to think that I wasn’t allowed to have food. My mom and dad would actually hide food from me. Make me stop eating when they decided I should. I had very little control over my eating habits. I developed some serious issues and an addiction to food. Once I could get food for myself, I ate it all like it was going to disappear. I tried to soothe myself with huge quantities of food. Trying to fill the whole inside. It didn’t work. I finally understand that. I wasn’t in control, the food was.

So, how do I keep it up? I do a lot of reflective writing in my journal. I work through my feelings instead of trying to eat them. I eat mindfully. That means slowly, calmly, attentively, and serenely. I remind myself that I am in control now, not the food or my parents.

I am starting to see a difference in my body and my mind. I feel stronger and more competent. I know I can do this if I keep taking good care of myself and being patient with myself.