mental health

Celebrating Small Victories: A Personal Journey

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I keep seeing that I should be celebrating all of my victories, no matter how small or insignificant. But what makes something a victory? Should it be only your opinion? Should it matter to others? Should it have a physical manifestation? Is behavior or emotion enough?

My sister just received an award for being an excellent corrections officer. She deserved it. She does just about everything from training new officers to crunching data to evaluate the performance of the jail. She was recognized for all of her hard work at the state-wide level. She got a trophy. They had her speak at a banquet. That is definitely a victory. But she will tell you that she didn’t want it. In fact, she sees it as a problem; believing that people will expect more of her because of it. So, in her book, it is not a victory, but a problem. She has 2 children that will be her contribution to the future, too.

Do I have any victories? Nothing so tangible. I managed to get to work and get my job done even though I’m not sleeping more than 2-3 hours a night. I’ve kept off 120 lbs. that I lost. I wrote a new training manual for my job that my boss said is good. I’m learning Spanish. I’m learning to code in Java. I have kept my sourdough starter alive and well (it’s name is Fred) for nearly a year, now. I don’t think about killing myself as much as I used to. I guess those could be victories. But, I see them as insignificant to put it mildly. No children or contributions to the future.

Getting to work? What choice to I have? I have to earn money. And there must be something wrong with me if I can’t sleep without sleeping pills.

Keeping off the weight? So what? I need to lose another 130 lbs. to stop being considered obese. If I were doing it well, I’d have kept losing weight.

Writing the manual? Learning Spanish and Java? Just things I do to pass time and keep from getting lost in my mind. Plus, as my sister pointed out, the boss may want me to write the manual so he can replace me easily.

The sourdough, I guess, is an accomplishment. I do manage to make bread every week.

Not feeling like dying all the time? I’ve been through so much therapy and I’m on medicine. If I can’t control that with all this help, I’m kind of hopeless.

No children or impact on the future. That goes without saying since I have no children and work as a receptionist. Who will care about or miss me when I’m gone?

But then again, I am doing those things. I chose to live my life my way. I am keeping myself going. I think that sometimes I am far too hard on myself. I learned to minimize everything I do as a child. It was never as good as anything my mother could do or did. I still hear her voice, even though she’s been gone for a few years. I know now that she was trying to make herself feel better and more accomplished.

I have to stay in Wise Mind. Balance my logic and my emotions. In both areas, I have positive and negative. I am hard on myself, but I also know that I am strong and resilient and came through a lot of abuse. Logically, I know that I am functioning as a successful adult, even as I think that if I can do it, anyone can, and they can do it better. I know that I do things well. I am praised and complimented on how well I do things. I just have a hard time giving myself internal validation and accepting external validation. I find myself thinking that when someone says I’ve done well, they’re lying to be polite. My therapist pointed out that I was actually being quite arrogant when I did that. I’ve learned to stop denying and telling them why they are wrong and simply say thank you. I regularly write and draw a Wise Mind graphic organizer in my journal. It helps me see what I really am doing. I can see where my brain is trying to lead me astray and where an objective observer would say I am doing well.

I guess I do have some victories to celebrate. Even if some of them are natural to me as blooming is to a flower. Not every flower can do everything. Some smell good. Some produce delicious fruit. Some look beautiful. Each has a victory in its own way. So do people.

Managing Emotional Tiredness: Tips for a Dull Day at Work

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Well, I’m having one of those days where I just seem to be stuck in the mud. Can’t get anywhere. I’ve already done everything I am supposed to do today at work. I have 4 more hours. It feels like the mud is drying. And this is about as exciting as watching mud dry.

I know that according to DBT, I should be mindful and pay attention to the little things that are actually happening at this moment in this place. Participate in what is happening. The problem with those is that no one is doing anything except sitting there gazing into their computers (I work in a tutoring center in a library). I did try writing letters to my pen pals. I got all but 1 finished. I’m too tired emotionally to write another good letter, so I’m letting that wait. I can’t exactly get out a deck of cards and play some poker with the tutors. Not very professional. So, any ideas? The firewall on the school’s network is such that you can’t go to any “fun” sites. So no computer games. I could nosh on some popcorn. That could provide some diversion, but I have to be careful not to eat too much. Trying to lose weight. So, I’ve decided to write. To get my mind unstuck and get the flotsam out of it.

So, participate. I’ll write this entry. I’ll have my popcorn. Then, if nothing else has come up, I’ll take a nap under the desk, just kidding. With my luck I’d get caught.

I’m trying not to get stuck within my head. It’s not a good place for me to go. I start beating myself up like Godzilla unleashing on Tokyo. I know I don’t deserve to be treated badly, not even by my own mind, but I do it any way. I was taught to see myself as less than human. Ugly. Stupid. Disgusting. Useless. A waste of space. My parents did a very good job of that, and no one at school really helped undo it. They all thought I was weird. Now, people tell me I am intimidating, so I don’t get a lot of positive feedback these days, either.

Why am I intimidating? I guess because I don’t let people get close until I know they are safe. I don’t want to be hurt any more, so I keep them at a distance until I decide if they can be trusted. I guess I also expect others to do their jobs and do them well, so that intimidates them, too. I have high standards, and not everyone meets them. Don’t get me wrong. I deliberately try not to judge anyone else. I know how much that hurts.

OK. This afternoon: popcorn, letter writing, thinking about myself in positive terms, and no beating myself up. I think that will be a full afternoon.

Finding Peace Amidst Inner Demons

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I am sitting here at work. I’ve done my entire to do list. I’ve spent 1 1/2 hours on my professional development (a marketing course). and I still have over 2hours to be here. I am getting a nice migraine going, so I might leave early. Time will tell.

I guess I could try to find someone to talk to, but that really doesn’t appeal to me. I like my peace and quiet, I just need something to be doing to keep my demons occupied so they don’t wreak havoc in my mind. I try not to talk to my demons. They get too conceited and think that they control the whole show, not me. As to talking to a coworker, there really isn’t anyone to talk to. I do have coworkers, but they are far from me within the building, and I can’t leave my desk. And they can’t leave their’s. So, that is not an option.

Have you ever noticed that sometimes your demons are the only ones who seem to understand you? They know you better than anyone else ever did or will. They are your constant companions, good times and bad. Sometimes they come up with ways to comfort me. Of course, their ideas will cause problems (spending or eating too much to fill the emptiness). But, they are the ones always there for me to debate my actions. Generally, when they are in favor of something, I know it’s something that I probably shouldn’t do. They are helpful in that way, whether they mean to be or not. Comforting to know them that well and be able to depend on them, even if they don’t really want to help.

Sometimes late at night, my demons will listen to my doubts and fears that I can’t express to anyone else. These are the times they are actually not judgemental. They become my valued friends at those times. They wrap around me like carmel on an apple. Warm. Soft. Sweet. They let me talk it all out. I try to use wise mind and pros and cons at those times. Try not to punish myself or consider myself harshly. My own thoughts can wound me far more than my demons do. It’s like I’m being dragged through a fencerow made of blackberry bushes and barbed wire. The thorns grasping chunks of my skin and leaving bloody furrows behind, where the bad thoughts and memories take root and grow so well. My demons don’t hurt me like that. I’ve learned to appreciate them and tolerate them.

So, here I sit at my desk. Only my demons for company. At the moment, they are campaigning for a run to the vending machine or a splurge on Etsy. Neither would be good for me, but neither would hurt. My mind on the other hand is telling me that I am useless and unwanted and how could anyone want to have anything to do with a damaged old woman like me. So, I need to quiet all the demons and my mind. Or is my mind the head demon? Does it have the little demons distract me while it works on doing the real damage? I think this is the case. That means I need to stop listening to Lorie Ann (that’s my name for my really mean, cruel self talk). To get her quiet and to move on to a better place, I am writing this to get her out of my head. I find that writing gives me relief. The words flow out of my mind. Onto the paper. Leaving my mind clean and clear. I can evaluate and dispute what my mind has been telling me. The writing gives me power over the self hatred and loathing. Once I have written in out, I can let it go.

For today, I won’t listen to my demons or Lorie Ann. I won’t let myself hurt myself. I am stronger and better than that. So are you.

Leaving the past behind and living in the present

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I’ve been letting the past rule me, lately. I have let it suck me into a deep pit. I still have feelings of guilt over my mother’s death, 2 years ago this month. I’ve been letting old bad habits creep back in. Stopped trying to take care of myself. Let all my mother’s criticisms and damning words run through my head like a raging torrent. I let myself fall into believing that I am unworthy, undeserving, and unlovable. I’m tired of that, even if there is comfort in the old demons and pain.

I can’t go back and do it all over. I can’t change what Mom said to/about me for all those years. I am not stupid. I am not incompetent. I am not ugly with greasy, oily hair and skin. My hair isn’t too thick. My skin isn’t ugly because I can tan. I am not the bottom of the trash heap.

It is scary to let go of the familiar. Move into new, uncharted territory. Find my own narrative. My own voice. The fear and the old hopeless laziness are hard to overcome, but I am determined to do just that.

I know I’ll feel better. Be healed of my psychic wounds. Be physically healthier. Be complete. And worthy. Once I move into the present and let go of the old ghosts in my mind. So, how and what do I do?

I am going to focus on taking care of myself every day. Telling myself I am worthy. I am intelligent. I am creative. I am not disgusting and ugly. I do have strengths and abilities. I am unique and that makes me a worthwhile human being. Using my DBT skills.

I am going to find my strength. My grandfather had me convinced that I was weak and I had to let him touch me and do things that made me feel gross. My mom told me it was my duty to make him happy and my own fault that he did those things to me.

I am going to start moisturizing my face an body. Mom had me convinced I was too oily to need to do that.

I am going to eat healthy. More protein and fiber. Drink more water. Actually pay attention to what I eat and how it affects my body. Mom always said I didn’t deserve or need to eat because I was disgustingly fat.

I am going to become active. I am walking and working out every day. My parents made that something I didn’t like by punishing me if I didn’t run laps or haul enough wood or exercise enough to make them happy.

I am going to make beautiful things. I’ll cross stitch. Crochet. Make books. Bake. Garden. Write. Mom and Dad always made me believe that nothing I did was good enough, and everyone else was better at everything than me.

I am going to allow myself to have feelings and experience them, while letting them pass, knowing I am not my feelings. Mom always told me I was a weak cry baby and didn’t deserve to be happy or calm.

Doing all these things will help me rejuvenate my weight loss by helping my mind get to the right place. I’ve been maintaining my 140 lbs. lost. It’s been for months now. I want to lose another 60-70 lbs. I’m doing a new program called CoreLife Medical. I’m using the tools at my disposal. The nurse practitioner. The nutritionist (first time I’ve ever worked with one). A behavioral therapist. A personal trainer. I’m also using the LoseIt! app to track food and nutrients, as they recommended. My FitBit is synced with the app, so I’m tracking my activity and sleeping, too.

I have learned a lot in my 54 years. Sadly, it was only 4 years ago that I actually began to see myself as a worth while endeavor. I climbed out of the darkness, but not quite into the light. I found that the twilight of being alive instead of the darkness of existing was a good place to be. Now, I’m starting to look out into the morning sun. I realized I wasn’t happy to be alive for the first 50 years of my life. In past 2 years, I have finally started to be happy to be alive.

I will always have the scars in my mind from my abusive childhood. They won’t go away, but they will have less and less of an effect on me. I let Mom’s shadow get to me the past month or so. Time to turn on the light and fly free. I was a caterpillar for a long time. Now, I’m coming out of the shell and learning to fly. Look out world! Here comes the new butterfly!