judging

Managing Emotional Tiredness: Tips for a Dull Day at Work

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Well, I’m having one of those days where I just seem to be stuck in the mud. Can’t get anywhere. I’ve already done everything I am supposed to do today at work. I have 4 more hours. It feels like the mud is drying. And this is about as exciting as watching mud dry.

I know that according to DBT, I should be mindful and pay attention to the little things that are actually happening at this moment in this place. Participate in what is happening. The problem with those is that no one is doing anything except sitting there gazing into their computers (I work in a tutoring center in a library). I did try writing letters to my pen pals. I got all but 1 finished. I’m too tired emotionally to write another good letter, so I’m letting that wait. I can’t exactly get out a deck of cards and play some poker with the tutors. Not very professional. So, any ideas? The firewall on the school’s network is such that you can’t go to any “fun” sites. So no computer games. I could nosh on some popcorn. That could provide some diversion, but I have to be careful not to eat too much. Trying to lose weight. So, I’ve decided to write. To get my mind unstuck and get the flotsam out of it.

So, participate. I’ll write this entry. I’ll have my popcorn. Then, if nothing else has come up, I’ll take a nap under the desk, just kidding. With my luck I’d get caught.

I’m trying not to get stuck within my head. It’s not a good place for me to go. I start beating myself up like Godzilla unleashing on Tokyo. I know I don’t deserve to be treated badly, not even by my own mind, but I do it any way. I was taught to see myself as less than human. Ugly. Stupid. Disgusting. Useless. A waste of space. My parents did a very good job of that, and no one at school really helped undo it. They all thought I was weird. Now, people tell me I am intimidating, so I don’t get a lot of positive feedback these days, either.

Why am I intimidating? I guess because I don’t let people get close until I know they are safe. I don’t want to be hurt any more, so I keep them at a distance until I decide if they can be trusted. I guess I also expect others to do their jobs and do them well, so that intimidates them, too. I have high standards, and not everyone meets them. Don’t get me wrong. I deliberately try not to judge anyone else. I know how much that hurts.

OK. This afternoon: popcorn, letter writing, thinking about myself in positive terms, and no beating myself up. I think that will be a full afternoon.

Time keeps on slippin’ into the future

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I feel like I am stuck in a tar pit. My weight loss has slowed down. It makes me feel like a failure, even though I know I am not. I am down 119 lbs. I still feel like a beached whale when I look in the mirror. I have friends who tell me I look a lot different, but I can’t see it.

Factually, I have evidence that I have lost weight. All of my pants had to be taken in 5-6″. I’m down a shoe size. Clothes that used to be tight, now fit loosely, even my leggings! I fit in public seating now.

I guess it’s the fact that even though I’ve come a long way, I still have quite a distance to go. It seems disheartening, like waking up Christmas morning and not getting anything in your letter to Santa. Or having a stranger make fun of you or talk loudly about how disgusting you are. It hurts and it makes you wonder if you will ever be worthy, good enough, loved.

Of course, I am my own harshest critic. I love myself the least. It isn’t good for me. I know this, but old habits are hard to break and I still hear my parents voices telling me I’m fat, stupid, disgusting, embarrassing, and a failure. Wow, those voices are loud! I know that they were feeling bad about themselves and tried to feel better by claiming to be superior to me. There are even times when I can shut them up. I deserve better.

I need to dig out my journal and do some serious reflection and problem solving. Create a of list of all the good things about me and that I have done. List the things that are hurting me and brainstorming what to do about them. Creating goals and plans to reach them. I know it will help. I just have to bring myself to get the pen to the paper. It’s like I’m wallowing in the self hatred for some reason, like a pig in a mud puddle. I need to be more like a kitten playing with butterflies. Feeling good, happy, alive. I should be proud of myself. I am a successful, functional adult. I help people all the time. I am taking better care of myself. I am feeling better, happier most of the time. I’ve just got to stop getting stuck in the quagmire of my brain. Accept, not expect. Don’t judge. This, too, shall pass.

I’ve got this!

Is it fall yet?

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I’ve been eagerly awaiting the start of fall. Cooler weather, pretty leaves, pumpkin spice everywhere, sweaters, football, Halloween. It is an exercise in accept, don’t expect. I can’t control the weather. I have to be patient and wait for the weather to do it’s own thing. I have to accept it. Judging the weather only leads to unhappiness and displeasure, so it is better not to allow myself to fall into that trap.

Why do I like fall? It’s usually a peaceful time of year for me. No crisis in the family. No work hassles, especially since I quit teaching high school. The garden is slowly going to sleep, after a last hurrah of bitter oranges and dusty purple ageratum. My fall camellia is blooming, white with pink edges on the flowers. Debating whether or not to buy a pumpkin to carve. Is it worth the money and the mess? Decisions, decisions.

My favorite holiday is Halloween. No family obligations to lead to pain and misery. Celebrating monsters that never frightened me. Even as a small child I rooted for Dracula and Godzilla. I knew they were safer than people. People hurt me, especially those I was supposed to be able to trust with my life. Monsters did their thing because it was their nature, not to hurt others. At least, that is how my young brain saw it. I still love good horror movies (not the gore galore slash fests, I like a plot). I like to watch the old black and white movies from the glory days of Hollywood and the old Hammer films. I have a collection of them that I watch year round, as an escape from the stress and fear of normal life.

I am working on myself every day. Learning not to let the mean people own my mind. Learning not to judge. Not to expect. Those things cause pain and suffering. Let it go. Find your own love and peace. It is true, only you can truly make yourself happy. Not others. Not things. Find your pleasure and serenity in the world within your mind. You will be better off for it. Think of the monsters doing what comes natural. They aren’t pulled down by angst and second guessing themselves. They live and find their own contentment.

Why can’t I be nice to myself?

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I find it so easy to hate myself. I was taught well that I have nothing to offer anyone, that I am physically repulsive, stupid, incompetent, a repugnant waste of air. My parents were very good at that. So, I learned to me cruel and hateful to myself, not kind and compassionate. I am working hard to unlearn their lessons.

I would never talk to a friend, or even an enemy, the way I address myself. I am trying to learn new ways of handling myself. I work hard to find affirmations that mean something to me. I try to be mindful and let the negative thoughts pass like clouds in the sky. I have happy journals. They are notebooks that I have written quotes into and pasted images that make me happy. I have tried bullet journaling and tracking food intake. Things to help me help myself. I still  lapse into self loathing.

I am a grown woman. I can’t keep letting the pain of my childhood continue to steal my happiness, today. I am just as worthy as anyone else. I have good qualities and bad ones. I don’t expect to be happy 24/7. I know that is unrealistic. I just want to not feel bad all the time.

I am making a self soothing box/kit. My therapist suggested it. I’m putting items in it that help ground my senses and pull me back from the edge. I need the support. I need to support myself. I was filling out a worksheet she sent me, listing the good things about myself. It was hard. I managed to fill in compliments, skills, making others happy, etc. I just couldn’t think of anything I like about my appearance. I’m morbidly obese. I have gray hair. Fat rolls. Stretch marks. Cellulite. Wrinkles. I think of my hair and skin as greasy and nasty (thanks Mom). My skin has bumps on it (ectopic dermatits) and eczema. My toes are too long. I’m short. I wear glasses. I just can’t seem to find anything positive to say about my body. I’m getting there with my mind and actions, but not my body.

There I go, childhood judgments coloring my world today. I deserve to at least like myself. No one should hate themselves. So, I’ll keep working on it. Getting help from my therapist. Trying to soothe and raise that small girl who was scarred so badly. She was beautiful. I  look at old pictures and really think I was very pretty. I need to get back there. I need to take care of me.

Back after a hiatus

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I have stayed away because I’ve been in a very dark place. My own head. I am finally climbing out. I stopped working on mindfulness, acceptance, and letting go of judging and expectations. It was a mistake. My whole life went into a death spiral. Now, I’ve reclaimed my life. I have to accept that life is work, it does not come easy.

I’ve been journaling a lot. I am making junk journals and bullet journals. I need to keep my mind straight, and the journals help. I do a lot of problem solving in my journals. The prettier they are, the more I am likely to use them. Sort of like bait. I find that putting my problems and expectations onto paper makes them easier to deal with. They are out of my spin cycle of a brain, and I can take them apart and find the answers that I need.

 

Why I Love to Beat Myself Up

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I’ve been stuck in my head for the last couple of weeks. Telling myself all kinds of bad things. I learned to do it well. My parents made sure of that. “You’re so stupid you could make a saint curse,” was a favorite of my father. My mother routinely told me how ugly I was and that every bad thing that happened to me was my own fault, while bragging about how great she was, herself. You get the picture.

I have to work hard to remember to reframe my negative thoughts and stop judging myself. If I don’t, it’s a terrible downward spiral, which only gets worse the longer it goes. At the bottom, I end up in the psych ward. I stopped before I got there, this time. I put a deliberate effort into using therapy apps and journaling. They helped me reframe and rephrase those negatives and see the positives. From “I’m disgusting and unlovable” to “I am pretty and deserve good things.” I have to keep reminding myself that my mother didn’t really mean to hurt me; she was damaged by her own parents and was seeking validation from the closest source she had at the time. Putting me down made her feel better about herself, temporarily. It didn’t last, though, so she had to keep repeating the process.

I am trying hard to feel gratitude and be mindful. Accept, don’t expect. That is my mantra. It reminds me not to judge and not to be disappointed by my expectations. There is beauty and good in the world, you just have to adjust your thinking and the way you look at things to find it. Stay here in the here and now. You can’t appreciate what is happening if you’re overlooking it for something in the future or stuck reliving the past. Mindfulness will help you make it to being aware of the good things here and now. If you have trouble with it, focus on your breathing for a few minutes. It will help ground you in the present. Let your thoughts and feelings pass. Clinging to them creates the stress of anticipating the future or dwelling in the past. The pain can tell you what you need to work on, but don’t let it dominate you. Acknowledge it, examine it, like a delicate flower, then do what you can about it, and finally, let it go like blowing a dandelion into the wind.

Accept. Don’t expect.

Why is it so hard to see the good?

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I know that I will be happier if I look for the good, be grateful, and stop expecting and judging. So, why is it so hard to do those things?

Because I’m human. People seem to automatically look for the worst possible things and judge each other instantaneously. We’re taught to do that from the cradle. It’s hard to unlearn those behaviors. Learning to be mindful and shift my mind set is hard. I’ve worked hard in therapy to learn skills to make it possible and not let my emotions rule me. Judging leads me to negative emotions. I need to learn to let go. To integrate the passing of thoughts and emotions like clouds in the sky into my brain. It is difficult to do. I often catch myself still expecting and judging, but I am getting better at noticing it and stopping to reframe my thoughts into a more positive format.

Accept; don’t expect. You’ll be far happier and feel better about the world. When you accept, you can see the beauty in everything and feel love and kindness for everyone. That is a goal worth striving for.