journaling

The losing battle with food

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Sigh. I have gone from plenty of points on WW to having to stretch them out. Every decade I’ve lost has meant losing a point from my daily allowance. At times, it seems so unfair. I’ve worked hard and come far, but I have to keep working even harder. Is it worth it?

I do feel better. I fit in public places now. I’ve gone from a size 32 to a 28, and those are starting to fall off of me. My husband says I’m even more beautiful (yes, he does wear glasses). I’m rewarding myself with nonfood items. But, I still love food. I’m learning not to use it to fill the empty space inside. I’m learning that if I slow down and pay attention, the food does actually taste good. I’m learning that no one is going to take my food away from me. I’m learning that I won’t run out of food if I don’t eat every bite I can stuff down my throat. There will be more food later, if I actually need it. I’m getting more and more active. I’ve gone from barely a 1,000 steps a day to nearly 5,000 steps a day. All positive things. So why am I bothered that I can’t eat as much as I used to?

Up until the last year, I stuffed myself with all the food I could get, no matter what it tasted like or whether or not it was good for me. I tried to fill the emptiness with the food. I tried to think I was in control and not a food addict. Trust me, the food was calliing all of the shots. So what changed?

I finally found a doctor who was willing to help me lose weight without forcing me to have surgery. I’m on Ozempic, which slows down my appetite; Vyvanse to help me stop the binges. It is worth the upset stomach to have help eating less. Of course, it only hurts when I try to eat too much, so it’s negative reinforcement of my eating behaviors.

These days, I try to eat like a skinny person. Not the one who eats tons and never gains an ounce. The one that doesn’t let food rule them. I have learned, it is true, the first few bites taste the best. If you eat slowly and pay attention to your food, you do get satisfied with a lot less. Taking time to prepare good, healthy food does make you appreciate the good food. If I don’t eat all of my meal, I either save it for lunch the next day or put it in the trash. I once heard at a WW meeting, it either goes to waste or the waist. You don’t have to be a member of the clean plate club. The starving children in the rest of the world won’t be any better off if you eat everything or don’t.

So, back to my original conundrum. Why does it bother me that I am getting 11 fewer points now than when I started? My weekly points have even gone down by 7. That bothers me, too. I know I don’t need to eat as much. There isn’t as much of me to feed. I actually find that I rarely want to stuff myself like I used to. I know I’ll feel better physically and mentally if I eat until I’m satisfied, not full.

What is going on in my head? I suspect that I am feeling rebelious, like a child. Maybe my inner child is the voice in my head throwing a fit about having fewer points. I need to find a way to handle the voice and continue on my journey. I write about it in my journal. I am trying to shift my point of view. Instead of viewing the new point number as a loss, I am trying to train myself to see it in my mind and feel it in my heart as an accomplishment. I’ve worked hard not to need so much food. I am getting there. I’ve lost 110 lbs. so far. That is something I can be proud of. I am succeeding. I am not losing. I am winning.

What slows you down?

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WW talked about fuel vs. friction a few weeks ago. Then it was your circle of friends. All of it has been about momentum this month. How to get it and keep it. So, how do I keep going?

I have adopted the idea that no food is bad. If I try to deny myself something, I just end up eating everything trying to cover that urge. Instead, I am trying to eat like a thin person. Have you ever noticed how they can take 2 or 3 bites and consider themselves sated? It blows my mind that such a thing is possible, but I am working hard to develop the habit. I am adapting a life style, not a diet.

So, how to eat less and be satisfied? I am focusing on eating mindfully. This means slowing down and actually tasting your food. If you eat more slowly, you will realize you are full before you devour the entire thing. So, eating like a thin person. I have to focus and be very deliberate to make this work. I strive to be present with the food, not letting my attention wander. It is making a big difference. I’m down 40 pounds, now. Instead of eating 3 cheeseburgers, I’m eating most of 1, and finding myself satisfied.

I’ve stopped using food to self soothe. I am doing other things like reading, taking a bubble bath, crafting, gardening, cleaning. Yes, I know, cleaning is not considered relaxing and soothing to most people, but I find it builds my peace, sense of control, and calms my mind. So, it is important to figure out what makes you feel good, that doesn’t involve food. Make a list. Look up a list of self soothing strategies on line. Think about what you did as a child to feel happy. Those things will work today, too. Keep your list with you until you have made it second nature. Your stress levels will drop and so will your weight.

It is Dog Wood Winter. I dislike these cold snaps in the spring, but they are normal. I find myself itching to get into my garden and make things grow. I grow a lot of herbs, flowers, and a few vegetables. I don’t have a huge garden plot. I grow most of my veggies in containers. Last year, my garden suffered from neglect because I was at my mom’s so much, watching her die. This summer, I hope nothing happens to bring me back down to that place. At that time, it was all I could do not to eat the entire house. I don’t feel as guilty about her death, now, but it has taken a lot of journaling and reflection to get here.

My journal is my favorite tool to develop mental health. It even helps me maintain physical health. I work through my feelings and figure out what is bothering me. I make a list of all the things I think could be bothering me. Next, for each item, I list the facts of the situation and my feelings/perceptions. Finally, I come up with what I can really do about each problem. This creates resolution in my mind and gives me a feeling of more control and guides me in what action to take. I often color code it to make it easy to see what goes with what. You don’t have to do it in a journal, just a plain old piece of paper will do. Give it a try. It’s far superior to just emoting and complaining in your journal.