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Celebrating Small Victories: A Personal Journey

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I keep seeing that I should be celebrating all of my victories, no matter how small or insignificant. But what makes something a victory? Should it be only your opinion? Should it matter to others? Should it have a physical manifestation? Is behavior or emotion enough?

My sister just received an award for being an excellent corrections officer. She deserved it. She does just about everything from training new officers to crunching data to evaluate the performance of the jail. She was recognized for all of her hard work at the state-wide level. She got a trophy. They had her speak at a banquet. That is definitely a victory. But she will tell you that she didn’t want it. In fact, she sees it as a problem; believing that people will expect more of her because of it. So, in her book, it is not a victory, but a problem. She has 2 children that will be her contribution to the future, too.

Do I have any victories? Nothing so tangible. I managed to get to work and get my job done even though I’m not sleeping more than 2-3 hours a night. I’ve kept off 120 lbs. that I lost. I wrote a new training manual for my job that my boss said is good. I’m learning Spanish. I’m learning to code in Java. I have kept my sourdough starter alive and well (it’s name is Fred) for nearly a year, now. I don’t think about killing myself as much as I used to. I guess those could be victories. But, I see them as insignificant to put it mildly. No children or contributions to the future.

Getting to work? What choice to I have? I have to earn money. And there must be something wrong with me if I can’t sleep without sleeping pills.

Keeping off the weight? So what? I need to lose another 130 lbs. to stop being considered obese. If I were doing it well, I’d have kept losing weight.

Writing the manual? Learning Spanish and Java? Just things I do to pass time and keep from getting lost in my mind. Plus, as my sister pointed out, the boss may want me to write the manual so he can replace me easily.

The sourdough, I guess, is an accomplishment. I do manage to make bread every week.

Not feeling like dying all the time? I’ve been through so much therapy and I’m on medicine. If I can’t control that with all this help, I’m kind of hopeless.

No children or impact on the future. That goes without saying since I have no children and work as a receptionist. Who will care about or miss me when I’m gone?

But then again, I am doing those things. I chose to live my life my way. I am keeping myself going. I think that sometimes I am far too hard on myself. I learned to minimize everything I do as a child. It was never as good as anything my mother could do or did. I still hear her voice, even though she’s been gone for a few years. I know now that she was trying to make herself feel better and more accomplished.

I have to stay in Wise Mind. Balance my logic and my emotions. In both areas, I have positive and negative. I am hard on myself, but I also know that I am strong and resilient and came through a lot of abuse. Logically, I know that I am functioning as a successful adult, even as I think that if I can do it, anyone can, and they can do it better. I know that I do things well. I am praised and complimented on how well I do things. I just have a hard time giving myself internal validation and accepting external validation. I find myself thinking that when someone says I’ve done well, they’re lying to be polite. My therapist pointed out that I was actually being quite arrogant when I did that. I’ve learned to stop denying and telling them why they are wrong and simply say thank you. I regularly write and draw a Wise Mind graphic organizer in my journal. It helps me see what I really am doing. I can see where my brain is trying to lead me astray and where an objective observer would say I am doing well.

I guess I do have some victories to celebrate. Even if some of them are natural to me as blooming is to a flower. Not every flower can do everything. Some smell good. Some produce delicious fruit. Some look beautiful. Each has a victory in its own way. So do people.

Christmas is back!

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I know I am not the only one who has trouble being merry and jolly this time of year. If you’re a real person with a real family, chances are that getting everyone together creates a ton of stress. Getting the right gift. Eating enough of grandma’s cooking to make her happy but not be a gluttonous pig. Disagreements over politics. Old family arguments flaring up. Of course, you may be like me. I never see my family for Christmas. It is always a lonely day with just my husband, which, if you pay attention to media, is totally unnatural and should make me feel unloved, unwanted, unsuccessful, and suicidal. So, you can’t win either way.

If you are trying to lose or not gain weight during the holidays, you feel another ton or so of pressure. All the yummy goodies that you know will taste good. People showing love by making and giving you baked goods. Your weight loss group telling you not to eat any of it if you want to be a good dieter. The judgement of said group if you do eat Christmas treats. The worry that you will give in and binge yourself out of your smaller pants and back into your tent dress.

Everything has to be pretty, festive, and meaningful. You have to be careful not to offend people. Wishing the wrong person the wrong holiday greeting can lead to an argument, hurt feelings, and being excluded from the group. Of course, there is a whole segment offended if you don’t call it the holiday they celebrate. Keeping all that straight is exhausting in itself.

So, what does all of this have to do with self worth and weight loss? Quite a bit.

If you are a stress eater, there are plenty of triggers around. Family arguments. Strangers fighting you for a gift/parking place/last ham on the shelf. Fear of offending people by saying the wrong thing. Your support group telling you that you cannot indulge in any way or you have failed. And there are many, many opportunities to give in and try to stuff that anxiety into silence.

If you are prone to binge eating, what a target rich environment!!! Everyone is making and giving cookies. Fancy dinners to get together. Parties with lots of appetizers. Stores are full of treats. Huge festive meals. You don’t even have to sneak around or hide the food to binge this time of year.

Feel the pressure for everything to be perfect? Decorated with coordinating presents, trees, wreaths, figurines, and lights (a la Martha Stewart)? Getting everyone the exact thing they truly want? Being happy and cheerful the whole time? Doing parties and activities non-stop? Actually enjoying being with your family? Yep, your self worth is taking a hit from the myth of Christmas or the holiday of your choice.

I have learned to accept that I do feel pressure for everything to be perfect andthe anxiety of getting everything right is going to drive me to binge. I can’t pretend that they aren’t there. They are a part of me. My self worth and ability to deal with all the stress and tempations are integral to me. They help make me who I am. To deny them is to deny myself and pretend that I am someone I am not. I have to accept them, deal with them, and live. To help myself control the urges to binge, I spend a lot of time journaling, doing behavioral chain analysis, coping ahead, and keeping myself busy with baking/crafts/writing. You may well ask how I can bake a great deal and not eat it all. Well, that is strangely tied to my lack of self worth. I honestly believe that everything I make is no good, no matter how many people tell me they love it and that they want more of it. That belief keeps me from wanting to eat the cookies, fudge, cakes, and bread that I make before I give it away. The behavioral chain analysis, coping ahead, and writing take place in my journal. You can find free work sheets for those things if you just Google or use Pinterest. I have a bunch of things like this saved on my Pinterest therapy board for when I need a nudge to do the work. I have also learned to understand that the “perfect holiday” doesn’t really exist. No one can do everything perfectly and make everyone happy and be happy, too. It’s crazy to expect anyone to do that. Companies make a lot of money by convincing people that it is achievable, making them feel less than if they don’t reach that elusive goal. When I start feeling less than because of the lack of family, perfect decorations, parties, and such, I remind myself that it is a giant house of Christmas cards, ready to fall apart at the slightest examination, so I shouldn’t feel bad because I can’t or don’t do all of those things.

This is my happy Christmas day. I sleep late. I make a good breakfast for my husband and myself. I spend the morning crocheting or cross stitching until time to start cooking. I cook a full meal (turkey, ham, home made rolls, red velvet cheese cake, green beans, corn, deviled eggs, and such). I know it’s a lot for 2 people, but we are OK with left overs for a week after the big day. I read and craft throughout the day. The Christmas tree lights are twinking on my miniature tree. My amaryllis, poinsettias, paper whites, and hyacinths are blooming. I think it is wonderful and restful. It’s not the huge family gathering with all the perfectly coordinated decorations and such, but it is the right thing for me. Once I accepted that, my self worth began to recover. I do wonder what it would be like to participate in the “perfect holiday,” but I know it doesn’t mean I’m any less if I don’t have that.

So, take care of yourself. Remember your reality is better than the make believe “perfect holiday” because it is yours. If you want to eat some cookies, do it. You’ll end up eating less if you give in and satisfy the urge rather than trying to eat around it. Use your journal to get the thoughts out of your head and examine them. Deal with them and let them go. Everyone can make it through the holidays in a good place. Take your own Christmas cards and build your own holiday.

Am I the only one?

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This time of year, according to the “rules of life”, we’re supposed to be happy, give until it hurts, and eat tons of sweets and dinners. We’re supposed to treasure our loved ones and have fun with them. But what if you don’t have good memories of your family? What if they always hurt you?

I used to feel very, very guilty because I didn’t want to be around my family during the holidays. I don’t have any happy memories from Christmas. All I remember is being told I ate too much and was too fat. It was rough. There they were making all of this food: ham, turkey, rolls, sweet potato casserole, dozens of cookies, red velvet cake with cream cheese frosting, and more. It surrounded me. I don’t remember games, singing Christmas carols, never had a white Christmas, or feeling validated. I remember being told I couldn’t have this cake or that cookie. I grew up equating food with being good and loved. So, when I wasn’t allowed to have the food, I thought I was unworthy and unwanted. A nuisance. A waste of space.

What did I do in response? Of course, I snuck food into my room. Gorged on everything I could find, whether I liked it or not. All that mattered was filling the empty space in my soul. I thought I could do it with food. I really, really tried to fill up my soul. I thought if I just ate enough all the pain and emptiness would go away. It was also a way to try to exert some control over my life. It was like bailing out a sinking ship with a seive. Not very effective. In fact, it only made things worse.

Do I still have issues with the holidays? Yes. Even though the people that hurt me so much are no longer around, I now feel guilty because I don’t want them around. You’re supposed to love spending holidays with your family, aren’t you? At least, that is what I always see on all the media. You’re a bad person if you aren’t with your family or don’t want to be around them.

I am so tired of that. I have learned to understand that you don’t have to let others hurt you to earn love. In fact, you shouldn’t have to earn love that way. If they hurt you, they don’t love you, no matter what they say. The love the power they have over you. They don’t deserve that. You deserve to be happy. Content. Serene.

Now, instead of eating 2 dozen sugar cookies in 5 minutes, I’ve learned to write my feelings out. Thanks to therapy, I know it’s OK not to want to be around people that hurt you, no matter what everyone else says. When I do a behavioral chain analysis of my binge eating, I often find that the beginning of the binge is thinking of my family and my past experiences with them. So, how to handle it?

I now stop, allow myself to feel, tell myself it is OK, I am a good person and I deserve to be happy. I tell my inner child that we are safe. No one is going to hurt us. Is it easy to stop and do this? Not always. Some days I can’t manage it at all. But, the good news is that now it works more often than not. I’ve learned to be mindful. Accept, don’t expect. Let go of judgements. See the good and beauty in every moment. I manage this about 80% of the time. The other 20% I have my old demons coming back to control me. Yet, those periods of pain/sorrow/self-hate/dejection are getting shorter and shorter. I don’t always run to the food to try to numb my feelings or fill the hole. It has taken me a lot of work to get here. I have more to do. I accept that I am a human being with all the beauty, feelings, thoughts, flaws, and miracles that it entails. Life is not always good. Sometimes it is rough and tries you. You can’t control what others do or what happens around you. You have to learn to accept it, deal with it or let it go, and move on.

This Christmas, I will be having my half-brother come to see me for Christmas Eve and Christmas Dinner. Our mother died 2 years ago. His father died this past summer. I am his “second momma”. He is 21 years younger than me. I feel good about him coming. I am looking forward to cooking for him. I want to make his Christmas a good one, even though I didn’t have good ones. I’m moving on. I’m creating peace and fulfillment for myself by creating a new Christmas tradition. One in which food is still there, but it is not controlling me. I can eat the cookies, cake, ham, and such with moderation. I can enjoy and not lose control. It will necessitate being mindful and accepting what is, not expecting what isn’t. I can do it. I will do it.

Oh Wow, It’s Gobble-gobble Time Again!

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Well, here it is, the holiday dedicated to over eating. What am I going to do to keep it under control?

Well, first of all, I have the advantage that I’m not going to my family to eat. It will be lonelier, but I can avoid 5 tons of food being pushed into my face. So, I’ll take it. My husband and I will have a small dinner that I make so I control it and will be able to make sure that the food is healthy and fresh and homemade.

That’s another thing I’m doing to manage it. I’ll make food in healthier ways. Less fat. More fiber. I will be able to control just how much food is available, too. No mountains of potatoes or dressing. I’ll make enough for us and a couple more meals over the weekend. Not enough to feed a whole hoard of people.

My WW coach always tells us to cope ahead and plan what we will eat. She also says to have islands on your plate, not continents. I am coping ahead by avoiding temptation and the stress of dealing with my family. I’ll also rehearse just what I’ll put on my plate. These skills give me more control and make me pro-active, not reactive. It will help me keep things smooth and calm. As a result, I’ll enjoy the day, but I won’t regret it.

I’ve had the Thanksgiving where Mammaw pushed 5 kinds of potatoes, deviled eggs, ham, turkey, coleslaw, green beans, corn, homemade rolls, pies, and red velvet cake. I’d eat until it hurt and keep going. Afterwards, I’d feel stuffed, ugly, guilty, and miserable. She didn’t mean to make me unhappy or hurt me, but that was how she showed her love, and not going along with it would have broken her heart. So, it was a choice between her pain and mine. She’s gone now, so I don’t have to worry about hurting her feelings any more. I’m not sure how I would handle her now. I know that eating like that only hurts me. I work hard not to do it. I have learned to take care of myself, finally. Setting boundaries and plans for healthy goals.

Not seeing my family is bittersweet. I feel envious of those who have big family get togethers because that is what I’ve been told my whole life is the way it should be. At the same time, I feel relief and freedom from not having to do as they want me to, not having to be the obedient daughter who does as she’s told and puts everyone else first no matter what it does to her.

The first year we stayed home for Thanksgiving, I felt a lot of grief and guilt. I was letting the family down. I wasn’t being the dutiful daughter. But as time passed, I came to see that they were doing just fine without me there. I don’t think they even missed me, to be honest. I felt better about myself because I wasn’t having to play 20 questions about why I didn’t have children and how much I weighed. That was all they ever seemed to care about. Not that I could create lovely crafts and cook good food or take care of myself or my successes. I stopped gaining 20 tons of guilt and 10 pounds of weight because of Thanksgiving.

Now, I am thankful and feel gratitude for my independence. My skills I’ve learned to take care of myself. My own home. My husband. My things. I know it’s OK not to hurt yourself to make someone else feel good. You aren’t being bad or selfish when you take care of yourself. You are being wise and planning for a better future.

Keeping up with the keeping up

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I have been on this weight loss journey most of my life. This time, it seems that I am actually succeeding. I’m down 100 lbs. now. I still have a way to go. So how do I keep it up?

I am focusing on portion control and mindful eating. I allow myself to eat what I am wanting, only I eat it slowly and enjoy it. Then I stop when I’m satisfied, not full. What is the difference?

Well, being satisfied, for me, means that I have enjoyed eating the food. I prepared the food to my own specifications. I focused on the food as I ate. I took time to experience the taste, the scent, the texture. I stop eating when the food stops tasting as good. You know, the first few bites are always the best ones. It used to be that I would keep on eating, chasing that elusive first bite taste. Eating more and more, even after I was full. I’d keep going until it hurt. And I still wasn’t satisfied or fulfilled. All it ended up giving me was a feeling of powerlessness and emptiness, some guilt, and an upset stomach.

I’ve learned that I feel better if I don’t eat until I’m full. I heard somewhere that Japanese people who live really long lives say to stop eating when you’re 80% full. That is what started me on this reasoning. I also did a lot of reading on mindful eating. I learned that taking my time and eating less actually makes the food I do eat taste better. I feel more satisfied and in control. I don’t think that I have to eat it all because there isn’t any more coming or someone is going to take it away from me.

I used to think that I wasn’t allowed to have food. My mom and dad would actually hide food from me. Make me stop eating when they decided I should. I had very little control over my eating habits. I developed some serious issues and an addiction to food. Once I could get food for myself, I ate it all like it was going to disappear. I tried to soothe myself with huge quantities of food. Trying to fill the whole inside. It didn’t work. I finally understand that. I wasn’t in control, the food was.

So, how do I keep it up? I do a lot of reflective writing in my journal. I work through my feelings instead of trying to eat them. I eat mindfully. That means slowly, calmly, attentively, and serenely. I remind myself that I am in control now, not the food or my parents.

I am starting to see a difference in my body and my mind. I feel stronger and more competent. I know I can do this if I keep taking good care of myself and being patient with myself.

Another year of trials and tribulations

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It has been quite a while since I’ve written anything here. I just felt too empty to write. This year has continued the stresses of Covid and loneliness. And of course, my mother died almost 3 months ago. Not of Covid.

Handling loneliness required a lot of self soothing. I’ve spent hours decluttering and organizing. It really did make me feel better and more in control. I know, control is an illusion. I should accept, not expect. But the feeling that I was in control of something, even if it was just organizing my desk in my craft room/office, soothed my soul and my mind. Getting rid of junk was empowering. I was removing its hold on me and showing my own strength. I decluttered the whole house. I didn’t go minimalist. I love my butterflies and cozy feeling house just fine the way they are. But it was good to know that my possessions don’t necessarily control me.

I’ve worked from home, used contactless delivery, and all the other tricks to avoid Covid. I am fully vaccinated, even already got my flu shot. I keep watching people refusing to do things to improve the public health. Complaining that no one has the right to tell them to get a shot or wear a mask. It infringes on their freedom and they don’t believe the science or doctors. Then, when they get sick, they expect to be treated with all the skills of science and the doctors. They’ve created such a burden on our resources and stretched this pandemic out far longer than it should have been. I keep reminding myself, don’t judge. Tolerate and accept all. I just don’t understand how their minds work. I need to stop trying. I can’t change anything they think or do. I just need to accept it, do my best, and move on.

Mom died of MS. She fell and broke her hip. They put her in the hospital, did surgery, and she seemed to be recovering just fine. Then, she was placed in a nursing home for rehab. At first she was OK. I could talk to her on the phone and she was strong and lucid and understood me and made sense and was planning for me to come stay with her once she was out of there. Then, she started getting weaker. She wasn’t eating. Her MS was keeping her from swallowing correctly, and affecting her sight and causing her constant pain. She stopped making sense when I talked to her. I took lots of time off work to go see her. To try to get the house ready so she could come home. The hoarding of my stepfather and brother saw to it that I was unable to fix the house. In the space of a month, mom had lost 50 lbs. They put her on morphine for the pain. The last time I saw her, I don’t think she even knew I was there. She couldn’t talk or move or even swallow her saliva. She died at 4AM that night. All alone. They were supposed to call us and make sure we got there in time, but they didn’t. She died all alone. I think they just walked in and found her already dead. I feel so much guilt about this. I failed her. She didn’t get to come home. She didn’t get to eat the food she liked. I keep thinking I don’t deserve to eat since she couldn’t and I didn’t give her what she wanted. I’ve got 250 lbs. to lose before it would even be a beginning of an issue. I need to remind myself, she loved my brother and nephews more than me. They were the ones she asked for, not me. She always chose my stepfather over me, even when he threatened to kill me, she took his side. She always had to be better than me at everything I did. She always had to be prettier than me. Smarter than me. Why did I want her to love me? I guess it’s because she was my mom.

I am trying to lose weight for me. I am working out again. I am doing WW. I asked my doctor for help, and got it. I deserve to feel good and be healthy and enjoy life. I am taking care of myself because no one else ever has or will. I am working hard to stay in Wise Mind in this situation. My emotions want to punish me on mom’s behalf. My logic tells me I need to lose weight to be healthy. The middle path says use mom’s treatment of me as fuel to become healthier. So, that is what I am doing.

Another Year, Another Chance

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Well, I’m another year older. I don’t really feel like I’m that old, but my students would tell me that I am. I have been working hard to treat myself well and be healthier in every way. Self care is big on my to do list. How am I going to do it this year, if I’ve not managed it ever before?

Mindfulness. DBT skills. Self soothing. Crafting. Writing. Those are my weapons of choice against the dreadful inertia of apathy that I have suffered from for so long. If you don’t do anything, nothing will change. So, time to put on my big girl panties and go to work. I am feeling better about myself, now. Modern psychiatry is a wonderful thing. I have a great therapist. For the first time in therapy, I actually feel progress and change. I am actually applying all the skills I’ve spent the past 8 years learning. I feel like a seed, buried in the cold ground. I can feel the sun is up there, and the rain is getting me ready to join the world.

I am making more things. I am crocheting a table runner for my mother, for her Mother’s Day gift. It is ironic that I will put so much time into her gift, when she has always made herself feel better at my expense. But, I do it because I actually enjoy making something beautiful, not because of her. I can’t count on her to validate me. I have learned to validate myself. And I will do that by showing myself what a lovely item I can make.

I am eagerly awaiting the Spring! I have gardening plans and tons of seeds waiting for their chance to grow. Veggies. Herbs. Flowers. I love them all. I used to enjoy working in the garden when I was a kid. Mom had me do it because she said that she was too pale to be out in the sun so much. That turned out to be a good thing for me. I loved it outside and growing things has become a life long love. The work you do, shows and rewards you, no matter what anyone else says or does.

I am starting to branch out a bit, and talk about more things than just DBT. I hope that shows how DBT and mindfulness apply to all the facets of your life. It will help you heal and support yourself, even when no one else will.

Why can’t I be nice to myself?

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I find it so easy to hate myself. I was taught well that I have nothing to offer anyone, that I am physically repulsive, stupid, incompetent, a repugnant waste of air. My parents were very good at that. So, I learned to me cruel and hateful to myself, not kind and compassionate. I am working hard to unlearn their lessons.

I would never talk to a friend, or even an enemy, the way I address myself. I am trying to learn new ways of handling myself. I work hard to find affirmations that mean something to me. I try to be mindful and let the negative thoughts pass like clouds in the sky. I have happy journals. They are notebooks that I have written quotes into and pasted images that make me happy. I have tried bullet journaling and tracking food intake. Things to help me help myself. I still  lapse into self loathing.

I am a grown woman. I can’t keep letting the pain of my childhood continue to steal my happiness, today. I am just as worthy as anyone else. I have good qualities and bad ones. I don’t expect to be happy 24/7. I know that is unrealistic. I just want to not feel bad all the time.

I am making a self soothing box/kit. My therapist suggested it. I’m putting items in it that help ground my senses and pull me back from the edge. I need the support. I need to support myself. I was filling out a worksheet she sent me, listing the good things about myself. It was hard. I managed to fill in compliments, skills, making others happy, etc. I just couldn’t think of anything I like about my appearance. I’m morbidly obese. I have gray hair. Fat rolls. Stretch marks. Cellulite. Wrinkles. I think of my hair and skin as greasy and nasty (thanks Mom). My skin has bumps on it (ectopic dermatits) and eczema. My toes are too long. I’m short. I wear glasses. I just can’t seem to find anything positive to say about my body. I’m getting there with my mind and actions, but not my body.

There I go, childhood judgments coloring my world today. I deserve to at least like myself. No one should hate themselves. So, I’ll keep working on it. Getting help from my therapist. Trying to soothe and raise that small girl who was scarred so badly. She was beautiful. I  look at old pictures and really think I was very pretty. I need to get back there. I need to take care of me.

‘Tis the time of the year when everything is dear.

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So, I survived Thanksgiving. Of course, it was only my husband, my dog, and me. That definitely helped minimize the stress. Now, it’s time to worry about Christmas.

So far, I’m staying on my plateau. Not gaining. Not losing. Of course, I still have to bake cookies and make candy. So, how to do it, when everyone expects it, and not gain a ton? I think the key is to NOT totally deny yourself the treats of the season. If you want something, savor it. Enjoy it. Embrace it. Be mindful as you eat it. Notice the scent, the texture, the weight, the sweetness, the saltiness, the memories. Take time to enjoy it and you won’t inhale the whole batch.

Yes, I have to bake. I could refuse, but then several people would be disappointed. My husband’s work place is used to him bringing in a big spread of homemade goodness. It makes me feel good to brighten up their holiday; retail work really sucks this time of year. I bring some in to my coworkers. I make some for my husband’s family. For some of these people, my gifts are the only homemade goodies they get. I think that is kind of sad. It makes me appreciate the childhood Christmases.

As a child, I learned to bake and make candy. My mom supervised, and often wasn’t very happy about the situation. I didn’t realize then, how lucky I was. So many kids today don’t ever get to decorate a cookie or make fudge. They don’t get to taste goodies made with love. It is sad. Enjoy it while it lasts!