DBT skills

Celebrating Small Victories: A Personal Journey

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I keep seeing that I should be celebrating all of my victories, no matter how small or insignificant. But what makes something a victory? Should it be only your opinion? Should it matter to others? Should it have a physical manifestation? Is behavior or emotion enough?

My sister just received an award for being an excellent corrections officer. She deserved it. She does just about everything from training new officers to crunching data to evaluate the performance of the jail. She was recognized for all of her hard work at the state-wide level. She got a trophy. They had her speak at a banquet. That is definitely a victory. But she will tell you that she didn’t want it. In fact, she sees it as a problem; believing that people will expect more of her because of it. So, in her book, it is not a victory, but a problem. She has 2 children that will be her contribution to the future, too.

Do I have any victories? Nothing so tangible. I managed to get to work and get my job done even though I’m not sleeping more than 2-3 hours a night. I’ve kept off 120 lbs. that I lost. I wrote a new training manual for my job that my boss said is good. I’m learning Spanish. I’m learning to code in Java. I have kept my sourdough starter alive and well (it’s name is Fred) for nearly a year, now. I don’t think about killing myself as much as I used to. I guess those could be victories. But, I see them as insignificant to put it mildly. No children or contributions to the future.

Getting to work? What choice to I have? I have to earn money. And there must be something wrong with me if I can’t sleep without sleeping pills.

Keeping off the weight? So what? I need to lose another 130 lbs. to stop being considered obese. If I were doing it well, I’d have kept losing weight.

Writing the manual? Learning Spanish and Java? Just things I do to pass time and keep from getting lost in my mind. Plus, as my sister pointed out, the boss may want me to write the manual so he can replace me easily.

The sourdough, I guess, is an accomplishment. I do manage to make bread every week.

Not feeling like dying all the time? I’ve been through so much therapy and I’m on medicine. If I can’t control that with all this help, I’m kind of hopeless.

No children or impact on the future. That goes without saying since I have no children and work as a receptionist. Who will care about or miss me when I’m gone?

But then again, I am doing those things. I chose to live my life my way. I am keeping myself going. I think that sometimes I am far too hard on myself. I learned to minimize everything I do as a child. It was never as good as anything my mother could do or did. I still hear her voice, even though she’s been gone for a few years. I know now that she was trying to make herself feel better and more accomplished.

I have to stay in Wise Mind. Balance my logic and my emotions. In both areas, I have positive and negative. I am hard on myself, but I also know that I am strong and resilient and came through a lot of abuse. Logically, I know that I am functioning as a successful adult, even as I think that if I can do it, anyone can, and they can do it better. I know that I do things well. I am praised and complimented on how well I do things. I just have a hard time giving myself internal validation and accepting external validation. I find myself thinking that when someone says I’ve done well, they’re lying to be polite. My therapist pointed out that I was actually being quite arrogant when I did that. I’ve learned to stop denying and telling them why they are wrong and simply say thank you. I regularly write and draw a Wise Mind graphic organizer in my journal. It helps me see what I really am doing. I can see where my brain is trying to lead me astray and where an objective observer would say I am doing well.

I guess I do have some victories to celebrate. Even if some of them are natural to me as blooming is to a flower. Not every flower can do everything. Some smell good. Some produce delicious fruit. Some look beautiful. Each has a victory in its own way. So do people.

Managing Emotional Tiredness: Tips for a Dull Day at Work

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Well, I’m having one of those days where I just seem to be stuck in the mud. Can’t get anywhere. I’ve already done everything I am supposed to do today at work. I have 4 more hours. It feels like the mud is drying. And this is about as exciting as watching mud dry.

I know that according to DBT, I should be mindful and pay attention to the little things that are actually happening at this moment in this place. Participate in what is happening. The problem with those is that no one is doing anything except sitting there gazing into their computers (I work in a tutoring center in a library). I did try writing letters to my pen pals. I got all but 1 finished. I’m too tired emotionally to write another good letter, so I’m letting that wait. I can’t exactly get out a deck of cards and play some poker with the tutors. Not very professional. So, any ideas? The firewall on the school’s network is such that you can’t go to any “fun” sites. So no computer games. I could nosh on some popcorn. That could provide some diversion, but I have to be careful not to eat too much. Trying to lose weight. So, I’ve decided to write. To get my mind unstuck and get the flotsam out of it.

So, participate. I’ll write this entry. I’ll have my popcorn. Then, if nothing else has come up, I’ll take a nap under the desk, just kidding. With my luck I’d get caught.

I’m trying not to get stuck within my head. It’s not a good place for me to go. I start beating myself up like Godzilla unleashing on Tokyo. I know I don’t deserve to be treated badly, not even by my own mind, but I do it any way. I was taught to see myself as less than human. Ugly. Stupid. Disgusting. Useless. A waste of space. My parents did a very good job of that, and no one at school really helped undo it. They all thought I was weird. Now, people tell me I am intimidating, so I don’t get a lot of positive feedback these days, either.

Why am I intimidating? I guess because I don’t let people get close until I know they are safe. I don’t want to be hurt any more, so I keep them at a distance until I decide if they can be trusted. I guess I also expect others to do their jobs and do them well, so that intimidates them, too. I have high standards, and not everyone meets them. Don’t get me wrong. I deliberately try not to judge anyone else. I know how much that hurts.

OK. This afternoon: popcorn, letter writing, thinking about myself in positive terms, and no beating myself up. I think that will be a full afternoon.

Finding Peace Amidst Inner Demons

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I am sitting here at work. I’ve done my entire to do list. I’ve spent 1 1/2 hours on my professional development (a marketing course). and I still have over 2hours to be here. I am getting a nice migraine going, so I might leave early. Time will tell.

I guess I could try to find someone to talk to, but that really doesn’t appeal to me. I like my peace and quiet, I just need something to be doing to keep my demons occupied so they don’t wreak havoc in my mind. I try not to talk to my demons. They get too conceited and think that they control the whole show, not me. As to talking to a coworker, there really isn’t anyone to talk to. I do have coworkers, but they are far from me within the building, and I can’t leave my desk. And they can’t leave their’s. So, that is not an option.

Have you ever noticed that sometimes your demons are the only ones who seem to understand you? They know you better than anyone else ever did or will. They are your constant companions, good times and bad. Sometimes they come up with ways to comfort me. Of course, their ideas will cause problems (spending or eating too much to fill the emptiness). But, they are the ones always there for me to debate my actions. Generally, when they are in favor of something, I know it’s something that I probably shouldn’t do. They are helpful in that way, whether they mean to be or not. Comforting to know them that well and be able to depend on them, even if they don’t really want to help.

Sometimes late at night, my demons will listen to my doubts and fears that I can’t express to anyone else. These are the times they are actually not judgemental. They become my valued friends at those times. They wrap around me like carmel on an apple. Warm. Soft. Sweet. They let me talk it all out. I try to use wise mind and pros and cons at those times. Try not to punish myself or consider myself harshly. My own thoughts can wound me far more than my demons do. It’s like I’m being dragged through a fencerow made of blackberry bushes and barbed wire. The thorns grasping chunks of my skin and leaving bloody furrows behind, where the bad thoughts and memories take root and grow so well. My demons don’t hurt me like that. I’ve learned to appreciate them and tolerate them.

So, here I sit at my desk. Only my demons for company. At the moment, they are campaigning for a run to the vending machine or a splurge on Etsy. Neither would be good for me, but neither would hurt. My mind on the other hand is telling me that I am useless and unwanted and how could anyone want to have anything to do with a damaged old woman like me. So, I need to quiet all the demons and my mind. Or is my mind the head demon? Does it have the little demons distract me while it works on doing the real damage? I think this is the case. That means I need to stop listening to Lorie Ann (that’s my name for my really mean, cruel self talk). To get her quiet and to move on to a better place, I am writing this to get her out of my head. I find that writing gives me relief. The words flow out of my mind. Onto the paper. Leaving my mind clean and clear. I can evaluate and dispute what my mind has been telling me. The writing gives me power over the self hatred and loathing. Once I have written in out, I can let it go.

For today, I won’t listen to my demons or Lorie Ann. I won’t let myself hurt myself. I am stronger and better than that. So are you.

Has it really been this long?

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I haven’t been taking care of myself for the past few months. I’ve neglected my health, my hobbies, my mind. I was working extra to make up for the fact that my boss left for greener pastures. I was trying to do everything for everyone else. I let all those people talk me into trying to get the promotion to my boss’s position. I didn’t listen to myself. I didn’t take care of myself.

I’ve been sleeping very poorly. Terrible nightmares about being powerless and unable to effect or change anything. Not being able to turn on lights in a room. Not being able to walk. Not being able to talk or answer others. That’s when I did sleep. I’d wake up feeling like I hadn’t slept at all. Other nights, I just laid there awake while my mind ran sprints. Did I get everthing done? Was everyone happy with my performance? What would people think if I didn’t apply for the job, followed by what would people think if I didn’t get the job? Then once a week, usually Saturday, I’d crash and sleep for 12 or more hours. I’d still feel like I couldn’t get enough rest.

I’d been binge eating, again. I gained 20 pounds. I just couldn’t seem to stop myself. Even though it would hurt after I ate so much. In fact, it’s been hurting whenever I eat. No matter what I eat or how much or how little. Frequent visits to the bathroom to empty my stomach. None of that helping me feel better.

I am behind on my crafting for Christmas gifts. Mostly because when I came home from work, all I did was take a shower, eat supper, then go to bed. I was totally worn out from work. Too many people to deal with. My introverted soul just couldn’t take all the people I was dealing with. It exhausted me emotionally and mentally.

This past weekend, I realized what I was doing to myself. I realized my body was telling me that I didn’t want the promotion. I was trying to make everyone else happy and not thinking about me. So, what did I do?

I began getting up and walking, for the first time since December. I’ve begun planning my meals and not eating everything in sight. I went to bed early and slept without nightmares. It was like I finally listened to myself. And when I did, I began to feel better.

I didn’t get the promotion. And I’m actually glad that I didn’t. I’d be lying if I said that I’m not worried about the reactions of all the people who pushed me to apply for the promotion. I am. I fear they will see me as incompetent and defective. However, I’ve been returning to my DBT work. I’m journaling, again. Writing my emotions instead of eating them. I hadn’t written in my journal since December. That is not like me. I was trying to be what everyone else wanted, not myself. I didn’t even comprehend what I was doing to myself. I ignored all the warnings of my nightmares and exhaustion.

I sat down Sunday, and did some serious writing. I worked on getting back into wise mind. Balancing my logic and emotions. If feels so much better to be back in balance. Walking in the mornings and eating less is making my body feel so much better.

It is spring. Normally, I would have been out in my garden. Weeding, planting, preparing. I didn’t do those things until last weekend. I feel like the flowers on my hellebores. My head was down. Now, I’m blooming again. I’m facing the sun. Taking care of myself. I’ve realized that I am being reborn like the plants in my garden. My leaves are stretching out into the spring sun. Bathing in the spring rain. I’m nurturing myself as I nurture my garden. I am expressing my own beauty and growth. I am not a violet trying to be a rose, now. I am just my quiet little violet self. I am pretty. I am lovely. I am worthy of appreciation, just the way I am.

Christmas is back!

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I know I am not the only one who has trouble being merry and jolly this time of year. If you’re a real person with a real family, chances are that getting everyone together creates a ton of stress. Getting the right gift. Eating enough of grandma’s cooking to make her happy but not be a gluttonous pig. Disagreements over politics. Old family arguments flaring up. Of course, you may be like me. I never see my family for Christmas. It is always a lonely day with just my husband, which, if you pay attention to media, is totally unnatural and should make me feel unloved, unwanted, unsuccessful, and suicidal. So, you can’t win either way.

If you are trying to lose or not gain weight during the holidays, you feel another ton or so of pressure. All the yummy goodies that you know will taste good. People showing love by making and giving you baked goods. Your weight loss group telling you not to eat any of it if you want to be a good dieter. The judgement of said group if you do eat Christmas treats. The worry that you will give in and binge yourself out of your smaller pants and back into your tent dress.

Everything has to be pretty, festive, and meaningful. You have to be careful not to offend people. Wishing the wrong person the wrong holiday greeting can lead to an argument, hurt feelings, and being excluded from the group. Of course, there is a whole segment offended if you don’t call it the holiday they celebrate. Keeping all that straight is exhausting in itself.

So, what does all of this have to do with self worth and weight loss? Quite a bit.

If you are a stress eater, there are plenty of triggers around. Family arguments. Strangers fighting you for a gift/parking place/last ham on the shelf. Fear of offending people by saying the wrong thing. Your support group telling you that you cannot indulge in any way or you have failed. And there are many, many opportunities to give in and try to stuff that anxiety into silence.

If you are prone to binge eating, what a target rich environment!!! Everyone is making and giving cookies. Fancy dinners to get together. Parties with lots of appetizers. Stores are full of treats. Huge festive meals. You don’t even have to sneak around or hide the food to binge this time of year.

Feel the pressure for everything to be perfect? Decorated with coordinating presents, trees, wreaths, figurines, and lights (a la Martha Stewart)? Getting everyone the exact thing they truly want? Being happy and cheerful the whole time? Doing parties and activities non-stop? Actually enjoying being with your family? Yep, your self worth is taking a hit from the myth of Christmas or the holiday of your choice.

I have learned to accept that I do feel pressure for everything to be perfect andthe anxiety of getting everything right is going to drive me to binge. I can’t pretend that they aren’t there. They are a part of me. My self worth and ability to deal with all the stress and tempations are integral to me. They help make me who I am. To deny them is to deny myself and pretend that I am someone I am not. I have to accept them, deal with them, and live. To help myself control the urges to binge, I spend a lot of time journaling, doing behavioral chain analysis, coping ahead, and keeping myself busy with baking/crafts/writing. You may well ask how I can bake a great deal and not eat it all. Well, that is strangely tied to my lack of self worth. I honestly believe that everything I make is no good, no matter how many people tell me they love it and that they want more of it. That belief keeps me from wanting to eat the cookies, fudge, cakes, and bread that I make before I give it away. The behavioral chain analysis, coping ahead, and writing take place in my journal. You can find free work sheets for those things if you just Google or use Pinterest. I have a bunch of things like this saved on my Pinterest therapy board for when I need a nudge to do the work. I have also learned to understand that the “perfect holiday” doesn’t really exist. No one can do everything perfectly and make everyone happy and be happy, too. It’s crazy to expect anyone to do that. Companies make a lot of money by convincing people that it is achievable, making them feel less than if they don’t reach that elusive goal. When I start feeling less than because of the lack of family, perfect decorations, parties, and such, I remind myself that it is a giant house of Christmas cards, ready to fall apart at the slightest examination, so I shouldn’t feel bad because I can’t or don’t do all of those things.

This is my happy Christmas day. I sleep late. I make a good breakfast for my husband and myself. I spend the morning crocheting or cross stitching until time to start cooking. I cook a full meal (turkey, ham, home made rolls, red velvet cheese cake, green beans, corn, deviled eggs, and such). I know it’s a lot for 2 people, but we are OK with left overs for a week after the big day. I read and craft throughout the day. The Christmas tree lights are twinking on my miniature tree. My amaryllis, poinsettias, paper whites, and hyacinths are blooming. I think it is wonderful and restful. It’s not the huge family gathering with all the perfectly coordinated decorations and such, but it is the right thing for me. Once I accepted that, my self worth began to recover. I do wonder what it would be like to participate in the “perfect holiday,” but I know it doesn’t mean I’m any less if I don’t have that.

So, take care of yourself. Remember your reality is better than the make believe “perfect holiday” because it is yours. If you want to eat some cookies, do it. You’ll end up eating less if you give in and satisfy the urge rather than trying to eat around it. Use your journal to get the thoughts out of your head and examine them. Deal with them and let them go. Everyone can make it through the holidays in a good place. Take your own Christmas cards and build your own holiday.

Why do I do it to myself?

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I find that like a lot of others, I self sabotage. I know I’m doing it, even as I do it. I know it will make me feel even more miserable and unhappy than I do to start. Why do I keep doing it? Could it be old habits die hard? Could it be better the devil you know? Could it be laziness? Could it be old behavior that was helpful at one point but isn’t any more? All of the above? How do you know? And how do you improve your performance?

So. The cause. Once upon a time, when my family used food for a reward and a means to control my behavior, eating a lot whenever I got the opportunity or to make myself feel loved, made sense in a twisted kind of way. I was young. I thought food equaled love, power, and security. That happens when your parents will hide food and limit your food intake because you’re too fat at the age of 5. Newsflash, I’ve seen pictures of myself. I wasn’t fat. I didn’t become fat until my teenage years. So, their major control over my food and the way my parents and grandparents used it as a reward, gave me serious food issues. In my mind, the more food you got the better you were. So, I learned to binge whenever the opportunity presented itself. That habit has remained in my personality until today. I learned the lesson very well.

I also put on weight as a defense mechanism. I thought if I were fat enough, my grandfather would stop touching me in ways that he shouldn’t. He didn’t stop, but I kept trying to distance myself from him with food.

Between those 2 things, I did gain a lot of weight. I made it up to 400 lbs. The use of food for comfort, reward, and defense is hard wired into my brain. So, why didn’t I change it when I realized it was not a good thing to do? I think it was a combination of laziness, comfort, and stubborness. It was easier to keep doing what I had always done. I knew that being fat meant not being respected or expected to be very much as a person. Lower expectations are considerably easier to meet. Fear of failure kept me from trying to do better. It was easier to be a no body.

I was slowly trying to kill myself with food. I didn’t understand that until I finally found a therapist who actually saw me as a person, not a fat person. I finally learned to use my DBT skills. I am teaching myself CBT skills. I get up early to walk to feel better. Journal to get the thoughts out of my head so that I can see, accept, and let go of my thoughts and feelings. Check my planner to help me cope ahead with whatever is coming in the day ahead. Check in with my DBT diary to remind myself to keep using the skills I learned. Take my medicine. Get myself together.

I have finally stopped trying to kill myself with food. I do still binge, but now a binge is 3 donuts or 2 snack cakes. It used to be an entire quarter sheet cake and 5 cheeseburgers and a couple large fries and a large coke. I actually like life now. I’m like the butterfly spreading my wings. I spent most of my life as a caterpillar: eating huge amounts of food, hiding from predators. Learning the new skills and approach to life were pupating.

I’m getting myself to a better place every day. I work to be fitter. I am getting smaller. I rejoined WW. I apply my DBT skills. I use mindfulness and acceptance to make it through every day. I cope ahead to handle food stress and problems I know are coming. I accept that I cannot control everything, so I must learn to let it all go. Let my feelings pass and know they are not facts, they are impressions. Eat to be healthy, not to comfort or control. My wings are enjoying the feeling of the sun. I’m not hiding under a leaf any more.

Leaving the past behind and living in the present

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I’ve been letting the past rule me, lately. I have let it suck me into a deep pit. I still have feelings of guilt over my mother’s death, 2 years ago this month. I’ve been letting old bad habits creep back in. Stopped trying to take care of myself. Let all my mother’s criticisms and damning words run through my head like a raging torrent. I let myself fall into believing that I am unworthy, undeserving, and unlovable. I’m tired of that, even if there is comfort in the old demons and pain.

I can’t go back and do it all over. I can’t change what Mom said to/about me for all those years. I am not stupid. I am not incompetent. I am not ugly with greasy, oily hair and skin. My hair isn’t too thick. My skin isn’t ugly because I can tan. I am not the bottom of the trash heap.

It is scary to let go of the familiar. Move into new, uncharted territory. Find my own narrative. My own voice. The fear and the old hopeless laziness are hard to overcome, but I am determined to do just that.

I know I’ll feel better. Be healed of my psychic wounds. Be physically healthier. Be complete. And worthy. Once I move into the present and let go of the old ghosts in my mind. So, how and what do I do?

I am going to focus on taking care of myself every day. Telling myself I am worthy. I am intelligent. I am creative. I am not disgusting and ugly. I do have strengths and abilities. I am unique and that makes me a worthwhile human being. Using my DBT skills.

I am going to find my strength. My grandfather had me convinced that I was weak and I had to let him touch me and do things that made me feel gross. My mom told me it was my duty to make him happy and my own fault that he did those things to me.

I am going to start moisturizing my face an body. Mom had me convinced I was too oily to need to do that.

I am going to eat healthy. More protein and fiber. Drink more water. Actually pay attention to what I eat and how it affects my body. Mom always said I didn’t deserve or need to eat because I was disgustingly fat.

I am going to become active. I am walking and working out every day. My parents made that something I didn’t like by punishing me if I didn’t run laps or haul enough wood or exercise enough to make them happy.

I am going to make beautiful things. I’ll cross stitch. Crochet. Make books. Bake. Garden. Write. Mom and Dad always made me believe that nothing I did was good enough, and everyone else was better at everything than me.

I am going to allow myself to have feelings and experience them, while letting them pass, knowing I am not my feelings. Mom always told me I was a weak cry baby and didn’t deserve to be happy or calm.

Doing all these things will help me rejuvenate my weight loss by helping my mind get to the right place. I’ve been maintaining my 140 lbs. lost. It’s been for months now. I want to lose another 60-70 lbs. I’m doing a new program called CoreLife Medical. I’m using the tools at my disposal. The nurse practitioner. The nutritionist (first time I’ve ever worked with one). A behavioral therapist. A personal trainer. I’m also using the LoseIt! app to track food and nutrients, as they recommended. My FitBit is synced with the app, so I’m tracking my activity and sleeping, too.

I have learned a lot in my 54 years. Sadly, it was only 4 years ago that I actually began to see myself as a worth while endeavor. I climbed out of the darkness, but not quite into the light. I found that the twilight of being alive instead of the darkness of existing was a good place to be. Now, I’m starting to look out into the morning sun. I realized I wasn’t happy to be alive for the first 50 years of my life. In past 2 years, I have finally started to be happy to be alive.

I will always have the scars in my mind from my abusive childhood. They won’t go away, but they will have less and less of an effect on me. I let Mom’s shadow get to me the past month or so. Time to turn on the light and fly free. I was a caterpillar for a long time. Now, I’m coming out of the shell and learning to fly. Look out world! Here comes the new butterfly!

Is it really worth it?

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Everyone reaches a point, where they have to make the decision. Is what I’m gaining worth what I’ve given up? How do you make the choice? How do you adjust? How do you make life better?

I am reminded of my WW leader, who tells us often, that what we eat today to lose weight, we have to be able to maintain every day to be successful. If you’ve given up carbs, can you live with never having another piece of bread? a fresh baked cookie? birthday cake? If you became a vegetarian, do you miss huge, messy, greasy cheeseburgers? What did you gain? Is the gain even noticable in your life?

I have to admit, I can’t bring myself to give up bread, baked goods, cheeseburgers. I just gain too much pleasure from them to do it. I know, I know. I should be able to find contentment and happiness without food. But who am I kidding? That’s just not me. I have been losing weight steadily for the past year by allowing myself the things I love/crave, but in moderation. Instead of 3 cheeseburgers, I eat most of one. One cookie instead of a dozen. I was a champion binge eater. I have given up quantity, not quality. And you know what? I do find that acceptable and a worthwhile trade off for getting healthier. I even have to admit I’m feeling better about myself and life in general. I still enjoy food, but I don’t rely on it to get me through the day any more.

It’s has taken me years of therapy to get here. I also have help from my PCP and support from WW. WW is like a group therapy session for me every week. We’re all food addicts. We’re helping each other learn to cope with the urges to binge/eat unhealthy foods. Learning ways to satisfy the need, fill the emptiness, without food. I’ve learned how to make my favorite things healthier, too.

All the work I have done and continue to do requires my mind to be determined and practice mindfulness and radical acceptance. I have gained the ability to accept what is and move on with it. I’ve stopped expecting life to be fair. (Newsflash – it really never is.) I have found that the food I ate was cementing the pain, the loneliness, and the emptiness in place. Now, I’ve torn that wall down. I’m building a new wall of mindfulness and acceptance that allows me to see the world and grow into myself. I carefully select the pieces. They have openings in them. They let things in and out. The old wall not only kept bad things out (so I thought), it kept bad things in and good things out. It was 10 feet of reinforced concrete, a thousand feet high, a thousand feet into the ground. It was my fortress. Tearing down the fortress was hard and scary. But, I have found that I have gained so much.

I’m almost always happy now. Even a bad day now is 100 times better than my good days used to be. I don’t rely on food to comfort myself or hide my feelings. I own my feelings now. I let them in and out of my mind like clouds passing in a clear sky. In losing my ability to cling to them, I gained the ability to feel them and acknowledge then deal with them. As I gave up my binge eating, I became healthier and learned to love myself.

So, in the end, my gains are definitely outweighing the losses. I’ve lost a lot of pain, loneliness, weakness, and fear. I gave up the binges and got a better me.

Should I quit or continue?

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I’m experiencing the dreaded plataeu. And I’m having trouble not being resentful of all the things I don’t allow myself to eat any more. It’s a tough time of year to be working on controlling your eating and your weight. My WW leader calls it the trifecta. I didn’t succumb to the Halloween candy, but I am finding it hard to not binge on cheeseburgers, pastries, and such as I used to a couple years ago. So, time to evaluate and motivate!

First, what is it I am feeling resentful of? Simple, other people seem to eat whatever they want in any amount that they want and don’t get fat. I’m tired of portion control and healthy choices. It doesn’t seem fair that I can’t just eat as much as I want of whatever I want. Now, to examine that problem.

Is it true that everyone else is eating unlimited amounts of whatever they please without consequences? No. Most people have a built in limit to what they eat. They don’t have to clean their plates to feel like they have eaten. Some of them work-out a lot. Some people have tricks that let them eat and not gain. People without portion control and activity do gain weight.

Is the outcome worth the effort? I think so. If I use a DBT tool and do pro’s and con’s, controling eating comes out ahead. There are way more reasons to stick with it. 1. I’ll lose weight. 2. Better blood sugar levels. 3. Better cholesterol numbers. 4. Less shame to eating in public. 5. Better life. 6. Fewer aches and pains. 7. Better quality of life. 8. Wear fashionable clothes. 9. Look better. 10. Fit into public places. And more.

To help manage the urges, there are lots of DBT tools. Just Google DBT worksheets and many, many will be available. I like to use urge surfing, distress tolerance like self soothing, Wise Mind, and acceptance. If you like to write out your feelings, print a worksheet and complete it. I have entire pages in my journal where I have worked out my feelings/urges with my own versions of the worksheets. They really help, like sipping a hot cup of tea on a cold, rainy day.

So, resenting unlimited, uncontrolled eating is like being jealous that someone else is swimming with sharks and you aren’t. Personally, I think I’ll avoid the sharks for now. Of course, there are other obstacles that sometimes rear their ugly heads like zombies rising in a cemetary. I’ll talk about those later.

For now, I think I’ll keep working on improving my life with the tools I have developed. Accept that no one reallly eats everything in any quantity that they want and doesn’t get fat. Food shouldn’t be the reason for my life. Feeling good and enjoying life are the reasons for life that I really need to remember when I’m running from those zombies. They only catch me if I slow down and let them.