acceptance

Am I the only one?

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This time of year, according to the “rules of life”, we’re supposed to be happy, give until it hurts, and eat tons of sweets and dinners. We’re supposed to treasure our loved ones and have fun with them. But what if you don’t have good memories of your family? What if they always hurt you?

I used to feel very, very guilty because I didn’t want to be around my family during the holidays. I don’t have any happy memories from Christmas. All I remember is being told I ate too much and was too fat. It was rough. There they were making all of this food: ham, turkey, rolls, sweet potato casserole, dozens of cookies, red velvet cake with cream cheese frosting, and more. It surrounded me. I don’t remember games, singing Christmas carols, never had a white Christmas, or feeling validated. I remember being told I couldn’t have this cake or that cookie. I grew up equating food with being good and loved. So, when I wasn’t allowed to have the food, I thought I was unworthy and unwanted. A nuisance. A waste of space.

What did I do in response? Of course, I snuck food into my room. Gorged on everything I could find, whether I liked it or not. All that mattered was filling the empty space in my soul. I thought I could do it with food. I really, really tried to fill up my soul. I thought if I just ate enough all the pain and emptiness would go away. It was also a way to try to exert some control over my life. It was like bailing out a sinking ship with a seive. Not very effective. In fact, it only made things worse.

Do I still have issues with the holidays? Yes. Even though the people that hurt me so much are no longer around, I now feel guilty because I don’t want them around. You’re supposed to love spending holidays with your family, aren’t you? At least, that is what I always see on all the media. You’re a bad person if you aren’t with your family or don’t want to be around them.

I am so tired of that. I have learned to understand that you don’t have to let others hurt you to earn love. In fact, you shouldn’t have to earn love that way. If they hurt you, they don’t love you, no matter what they say. The love the power they have over you. They don’t deserve that. You deserve to be happy. Content. Serene.

Now, instead of eating 2 dozen sugar cookies in 5 minutes, I’ve learned to write my feelings out. Thanks to therapy, I know it’s OK not to want to be around people that hurt you, no matter what everyone else says. When I do a behavioral chain analysis of my binge eating, I often find that the beginning of the binge is thinking of my family and my past experiences with them. So, how to handle it?

I now stop, allow myself to feel, tell myself it is OK, I am a good person and I deserve to be happy. I tell my inner child that we are safe. No one is going to hurt us. Is it easy to stop and do this? Not always. Some days I can’t manage it at all. But, the good news is that now it works more often than not. I’ve learned to be mindful. Accept, don’t expect. Let go of judgements. See the good and beauty in every moment. I manage this about 80% of the time. The other 20% I have my old demons coming back to control me. Yet, those periods of pain/sorrow/self-hate/dejection are getting shorter and shorter. I don’t always run to the food to try to numb my feelings or fill the hole. It has taken me a lot of work to get here. I have more to do. I accept that I am a human being with all the beauty, feelings, thoughts, flaws, and miracles that it entails. Life is not always good. Sometimes it is rough and tries you. You can’t control what others do or what happens around you. You have to learn to accept it, deal with it or let it go, and move on.

This Christmas, I will be having my half-brother come to see me for Christmas Eve and Christmas Dinner. Our mother died 2 years ago. His father died this past summer. I am his “second momma”. He is 21 years younger than me. I feel good about him coming. I am looking forward to cooking for him. I want to make his Christmas a good one, even though I didn’t have good ones. I’m moving on. I’m creating peace and fulfillment for myself by creating a new Christmas tradition. One in which food is still there, but it is not controlling me. I can eat the cookies, cake, ham, and such with moderation. I can enjoy and not lose control. It will necessitate being mindful and accepting what is, not expecting what isn’t. I can do it. I will do it.

Happy Holidays to All

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It is that time of year. Everyone expects everyone else to be jolly and eat like there is no tomorrow. Lots of cookies, cakes, fudge, pies, and more all over the place. So, what do you do if you are working on losing weight in the middle of all of this?

Well, the traditional answer is abstain from eating any of the yummy sweets. Will that work? Well, yeah, for the short term. Will it make you happy? That depends on how much you value your weight loss over your pleasure. Doing without can be very miserable and lonely. Most people gain some weight this time of year because they are enjoying all the treats. If you don’t enjoy the treats, you will lose weight. If you are one of those rare creatures who actually dislikes sugar and chocolate, you’ll be perfectly happy. If you are a typical person, you won’t. If you’re not happy, you can’t keep doing the same thing. You’ll burn out and quit, trying to recapture your happiness.

What to do? How to succeed and be happy and keep it up for the long term? I have a suggestion or 2 that I hope will help.

First, cope ahead. If you know you’re going to be somewhere that temptation will be running rampant, do things to help reduce the temptation and maintain your health. Eat a healthy snack or meal, so you’re not going to be ready to eat everything in sight. Practice behaviors that allow you to avoid or reduce the amount of treats. If you know a food pusher is going to be there, rehearse how you will speak to them and politely stand up for yourself. Practice moving around the room with a glass of water in your hand so that you are never too near the treats for too long. Keep drinking that water so you are participating, and keeping yourself from getting hungry.

Or, accept that you are going to eat the treats, but practice restraint. Have Grandma’s special pie, just don’t eat the whole thing. Take a few bites of the foods on offer, then stop. Remember, the first few bites taste the best. So don’t keep eating to chase that elusive quality. You won’t find it. This way, you don’t upset anyone, you participate, you don’t punish yourself, and you can keep doing this for the rest of your life. It is possible to have treats and lose weight. Doing this will shed the pounds of pressure, guilt, and loneliness that often come with not participating with everyone else. I know, I know. An adult should be disciplined and mature enough not to give in to peer pressure, but are we really? I’m not. I’ll be having some of the good stuff. I’ll be participating in the party or meal. I’ll let myself enjoy things. And I’ll be mindful when I eat, so that I have control over the amount and content on my plate. In a manner of speaking, I’ll have my cake and eat it, too.

Should I quit or continue?

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I’m experiencing the dreaded plataeu. And I’m having trouble not being resentful of all the things I don’t allow myself to eat any more. It’s a tough time of year to be working on controlling your eating and your weight. My WW leader calls it the trifecta. I didn’t succumb to the Halloween candy, but I am finding it hard to not binge on cheeseburgers, pastries, and such as I used to a couple years ago. So, time to evaluate and motivate!

First, what is it I am feeling resentful of? Simple, other people seem to eat whatever they want in any amount that they want and don’t get fat. I’m tired of portion control and healthy choices. It doesn’t seem fair that I can’t just eat as much as I want of whatever I want. Now, to examine that problem.

Is it true that everyone else is eating unlimited amounts of whatever they please without consequences? No. Most people have a built in limit to what they eat. They don’t have to clean their plates to feel like they have eaten. Some of them work-out a lot. Some people have tricks that let them eat and not gain. People without portion control and activity do gain weight.

Is the outcome worth the effort? I think so. If I use a DBT tool and do pro’s and con’s, controling eating comes out ahead. There are way more reasons to stick with it. 1. I’ll lose weight. 2. Better blood sugar levels. 3. Better cholesterol numbers. 4. Less shame to eating in public. 5. Better life. 6. Fewer aches and pains. 7. Better quality of life. 8. Wear fashionable clothes. 9. Look better. 10. Fit into public places. And more.

To help manage the urges, there are lots of DBT tools. Just Google DBT worksheets and many, many will be available. I like to use urge surfing, distress tolerance like self soothing, Wise Mind, and acceptance. If you like to write out your feelings, print a worksheet and complete it. I have entire pages in my journal where I have worked out my feelings/urges with my own versions of the worksheets. They really help, like sipping a hot cup of tea on a cold, rainy day.

So, resenting unlimited, uncontrolled eating is like being jealous that someone else is swimming with sharks and you aren’t. Personally, I think I’ll avoid the sharks for now. Of course, there are other obstacles that sometimes rear their ugly heads like zombies rising in a cemetary. I’ll talk about those later.

For now, I think I’ll keep working on improving my life with the tools I have developed. Accept that no one reallly eats everything in any quantity that they want and doesn’t get fat. Food shouldn’t be the reason for my life. Feeling good and enjoying life are the reasons for life that I really need to remember when I’m running from those zombies. They only catch me if I slow down and let them.

Time keeps on slippin’ into the future

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I feel like I am stuck in a tar pit. My weight loss has slowed down. It makes me feel like a failure, even though I know I am not. I am down 119 lbs. I still feel like a beached whale when I look in the mirror. I have friends who tell me I look a lot different, but I can’t see it.

Factually, I have evidence that I have lost weight. All of my pants had to be taken in 5-6″. I’m down a shoe size. Clothes that used to be tight, now fit loosely, even my leggings! I fit in public seating now.

I guess it’s the fact that even though I’ve come a long way, I still have quite a distance to go. It seems disheartening, like waking up Christmas morning and not getting anything in your letter to Santa. Or having a stranger make fun of you or talk loudly about how disgusting you are. It hurts and it makes you wonder if you will ever be worthy, good enough, loved.

Of course, I am my own harshest critic. I love myself the least. It isn’t good for me. I know this, but old habits are hard to break and I still hear my parents voices telling me I’m fat, stupid, disgusting, embarrassing, and a failure. Wow, those voices are loud! I know that they were feeling bad about themselves and tried to feel better by claiming to be superior to me. There are even times when I can shut them up. I deserve better.

I need to dig out my journal and do some serious reflection and problem solving. Create a of list of all the good things about me and that I have done. List the things that are hurting me and brainstorming what to do about them. Creating goals and plans to reach them. I know it will help. I just have to bring myself to get the pen to the paper. It’s like I’m wallowing in the self hatred for some reason, like a pig in a mud puddle. I need to be more like a kitten playing with butterflies. Feeling good, happy, alive. I should be proud of myself. I am a successful, functional adult. I help people all the time. I am taking better care of myself. I am feeling better, happier most of the time. I’ve just got to stop getting stuck in the quagmire of my brain. Accept, not expect. Don’t judge. This, too, shall pass.

I’ve got this!

What do you do when your mojo has left you behind?

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We’ve all been there. The honeymoon phase of the diet is over. You’re struggling to keep yourself going. So, how do you get past this fork in the road and keep moving toward success?

I have been slowing down the past few weeks. Longing for “forbidden fruit.” I have given in a couple of times, and my progress has slowed down. I have been trouble remembering why it is more important to reach my goal than to treat myself in the short term. So what am I going to do about it?

First, I’m going to remind myself that I am a long way from where I started. I am down 86 lbs. That is not a small achievement. In fact, my doctor said it is extremely rare for someone to lose so much without surgery. I can log onto my WW account and see a graph of my progress. That is encouraging me to keep it up. I’ve come this far, I don’t want to stop now.

Second, I’m going to practice self love. I am making progress. I don’t have to be perfect. No one is perfect. I am doing the best I can with the tools I have. That is all I can ask of myself. It is all anyone can reasonably ask of me.

Third, I’m going to remember what my WW leader says. You have to be able to keep up the changes you make for the rest of your life. So, is it really going to be possible for me to never eat cake or a cheeseburger? Give up bread? Stop drinking fruit smoothies? No more chocolate? Nope. That would be the kind of life that would be long, but not satisfying. I deserve to be healthy, but I also deserve to be happy.

Lastly, I’m going to look at myself. There is room between my belly and the steering wheel now. I am wearing pants that I haven’t worn in 20 years. I’m feeling brave enough to buy lingerie for the first time in 30 years. I am sleeping better. I am moving more, and it doesn’t hurt! I am enjoying life for the first time in as long as I can remember.

So, do I have my motivation back? Yes, I do. I will be mindful and see the beauty and happiness in my life. I will know I am worth the extra time I spend walking and working out and taking care of my body. I will accept that I love cheeseburgers, bread, cake, and chocolate, and that life would be much sadder without them. Can I keep losing weight and still enjoy things that make me happy? Yes, I can.

I’ll keep walking more and more every day. I’ll keep getting the dumbbells out and strengthening my body. I’ll keep moisturizing my skin. I’ll keep eating smaller portions than I used to. I’ll pay attention to my progress and how good I am feeling. I will keep going!

Stuffing your feelings

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Emotional eating. The bane of my dieting existence. Why do I do it? To avoid my feelings? To have an illusion of control? Both of them?

This month Weight Watchers is talking about eating (when/where/what/why). Emotional eating definitely has been discussed. It helps to hear others’ ways of dealing with the problems and urges. Get busy doing a craft. Go for a walk. Talk to a friend. Journal. Most of them are strategies that distract you from the urge. I find that doesn’t work for me. I have to take the urge by the horns, break it down, and deal with it. If you can distract yourself until it passes, great! I just can’t when I’m really in the throes of a binge.

We all eat based on emotions to some extent. Some of us handle it well. Being in the mood for nachos and eating 3 or 4 chips and being satisfied. Then there are people like me, who eat the whole platter intended to serve 4 and want more. I am applying the lesson I learned early in life. Food makes you feel better. It keeps you from being sad or lonely. It gives you the feeling that you are in control of something in your life. All are misleading. The feelings are still there. You are just as powerless to control things when you’re eating. In fact, you are even more out of control, thanks to the power of food.

I’ve been struggling the past few days. It was a year ago that my mother fell, broke her hip and went into rehab. She never came out. I spent May watching her slow, painful death. I think it was her MS ultimately. At the end, she couldn’t see, speak, eat, or anything. I still feel like I should have been able to do more. So of course, I’ve been eating things left and right. Anything that isn’t tied down looks appetizing. I’m trying to stop feeling bad and start feeling like I do have some power to exert control over the world. It isn’t working. 😦

I needed to stop and think. Reflect. Be mindful. I sat down with my journal, and listed all the things that I think are making me feel bad and powerless. Once I had that list, for each item I wrote the facts of the situation. Next, I wrote my feelings and irrational thoughts for each thing. Then, I wrote what I could actually do and how to do it for each thing. Finally, I made a plan of action, acknowledged my feelings and accepted that I cannot control everything or fix everything for my loved ones.

And you know what? I actually stopped eating everything in sight. I know I’m not the one in total control, but I noted my abilities to affect change or improvement. I told myself it’s OK to be grieving my mom. It’s OK to want to help everyone. It’s also OK to do what I can and then let the rest go. It isn’t easy. It took lots of work for me to reach this point. Meditation. Reflection. Journaling. Therapy. Hard work. I have earned my peace of mind and I have learned how to develop it for myself. You see, you can’t rely on someone else to soothe the pain or lessen the fear. You have to do it for yourself.

Once you’ve taken care of your thoughts, letting them go like clouds scuttling across the sky, you find contentment and inner joy in life. The need to eat everything dissipates. You can use your lifestyle tools to eat sensibly and feel satisfied. You can go on with life and love yourself.

Perfectionism and losing weight

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Last week the WW workshop was about perfectionism and how it can hinder weight loss. The consensus in the group was that being a perfectionist definitely complicates the process and limits success. This idea that you must always do the exactly correct thing at the correct time and in the correct way or you have failed, is guaranteed to make you unhappy and frustrate you in reaching your goals. In DBT, the emphasis is on progress, not perfection. A much more sensible way to approach any goal, in my opinion. It encourages you to move on with what is, so you aren’t creating more misery and suffering for yourself by expecting things that just aren’t reasonable.

A classic example, you’ve been tracking your food, weighing and measuring all your portions, keeping under your daily points/calories goal, then you eat a piece of cake. The perfectionist in you says “Aha, I knew you couldn’t do it! May as well give up and go back to the old way of doing things!” So, you proceed to undo all the good things you have done. You minimize your success and focus instead on the one mistake. You keep on eating and stop tracking. In the end, you are worse off than when you started or even if you’d just forgiven yourself and gotten back on track after the cake. One piece of cake does not equal a gluttinous life.

The better thing to do, would be to forgive yourself and resume your good behaviors. Focus on all that you have done well. How far you’ve come. Accept that you are human, and from time to time you will slip off the straight and narrow. It’s OK. You don’t lose the path unless you keep going down the food addiction trail. You can get back to making progress and improving your life and reaching your goals.

Last Saturday, I earned my 25 lb. charm at WW. I admit I’ve gotten some help from my doctor. She put me on Ozempic, and it is starting to work. I find it hard to eat as much at a sitting as I used to. It actually feels like my stomach starts turning flips. I needed the help to learn not to hoover up all the food on the table, like someone is going to take it away from me. My mom isn’t here to take the food away any more. No one in my house is going to tell me to stop eating, except for me. Also, I’m not a high school science teacher any more. We only had 20 minutes to eat lunch, and do any paperwork or phone calls that had to be done. Now, I can take my time and eat and actually taste and enjoy the food. I try to eat mindfully. I’m getting better and better at it. I actually taste my food now, and savor it. I find I’m more satisfied with less food, but I do want better quality (butter not margarine, for example).

My ultimate goal is to lose 200 pounds. I have to see each step I take as success. Perfection is NOT an option. I am human. It took me 53 years to get here. I have the habits of a lifetime to unlearn. I have new tools and help in my journey. I have a mantra that I use “Progress, not perfection; accept, don’t expect.”

Is it fall yet?

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I’ve been eagerly awaiting the start of fall. Cooler weather, pretty leaves, pumpkin spice everywhere, sweaters, football, Halloween. It is an exercise in accept, don’t expect. I can’t control the weather. I have to be patient and wait for the weather to do it’s own thing. I have to accept it. Judging the weather only leads to unhappiness and displeasure, so it is better not to allow myself to fall into that trap.

Why do I like fall? It’s usually a peaceful time of year for me. No crisis in the family. No work hassles, especially since I quit teaching high school. The garden is slowly going to sleep, after a last hurrah of bitter oranges and dusty purple ageratum. My fall camellia is blooming, white with pink edges on the flowers. Debating whether or not to buy a pumpkin to carve. Is it worth the money and the mess? Decisions, decisions.

My favorite holiday is Halloween. No family obligations to lead to pain and misery. Celebrating monsters that never frightened me. Even as a small child I rooted for Dracula and Godzilla. I knew they were safer than people. People hurt me, especially those I was supposed to be able to trust with my life. Monsters did their thing because it was their nature, not to hurt others. At least, that is how my young brain saw it. I still love good horror movies (not the gore galore slash fests, I like a plot). I like to watch the old black and white movies from the glory days of Hollywood and the old Hammer films. I have a collection of them that I watch year round, as an escape from the stress and fear of normal life.

I am working on myself every day. Learning not to let the mean people own my mind. Learning not to judge. Not to expect. Those things cause pain and suffering. Let it go. Find your own love and peace. It is true, only you can truly make yourself happy. Not others. Not things. Find your pleasure and serenity in the world within your mind. You will be better off for it. Think of the monsters doing what comes natural. They aren’t pulled down by angst and second guessing themselves. They live and find their own contentment.

Another year of trials and tribulations

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It has been quite a while since I’ve written anything here. I just felt too empty to write. This year has continued the stresses of Covid and loneliness. And of course, my mother died almost 3 months ago. Not of Covid.

Handling loneliness required a lot of self soothing. I’ve spent hours decluttering and organizing. It really did make me feel better and more in control. I know, control is an illusion. I should accept, not expect. But the feeling that I was in control of something, even if it was just organizing my desk in my craft room/office, soothed my soul and my mind. Getting rid of junk was empowering. I was removing its hold on me and showing my own strength. I decluttered the whole house. I didn’t go minimalist. I love my butterflies and cozy feeling house just fine the way they are. But it was good to know that my possessions don’t necessarily control me.

I’ve worked from home, used contactless delivery, and all the other tricks to avoid Covid. I am fully vaccinated, even already got my flu shot. I keep watching people refusing to do things to improve the public health. Complaining that no one has the right to tell them to get a shot or wear a mask. It infringes on their freedom and they don’t believe the science or doctors. Then, when they get sick, they expect to be treated with all the skills of science and the doctors. They’ve created such a burden on our resources and stretched this pandemic out far longer than it should have been. I keep reminding myself, don’t judge. Tolerate and accept all. I just don’t understand how their minds work. I need to stop trying. I can’t change anything they think or do. I just need to accept it, do my best, and move on.

Mom died of MS. She fell and broke her hip. They put her in the hospital, did surgery, and she seemed to be recovering just fine. Then, she was placed in a nursing home for rehab. At first she was OK. I could talk to her on the phone and she was strong and lucid and understood me and made sense and was planning for me to come stay with her once she was out of there. Then, she started getting weaker. She wasn’t eating. Her MS was keeping her from swallowing correctly, and affecting her sight and causing her constant pain. She stopped making sense when I talked to her. I took lots of time off work to go see her. To try to get the house ready so she could come home. The hoarding of my stepfather and brother saw to it that I was unable to fix the house. In the space of a month, mom had lost 50 lbs. They put her on morphine for the pain. The last time I saw her, I don’t think she even knew I was there. She couldn’t talk or move or even swallow her saliva. She died at 4AM that night. All alone. They were supposed to call us and make sure we got there in time, but they didn’t. She died all alone. I think they just walked in and found her already dead. I feel so much guilt about this. I failed her. She didn’t get to come home. She didn’t get to eat the food she liked. I keep thinking I don’t deserve to eat since she couldn’t and I didn’t give her what she wanted. I’ve got 250 lbs. to lose before it would even be a beginning of an issue. I need to remind myself, she loved my brother and nephews more than me. They were the ones she asked for, not me. She always chose my stepfather over me, even when he threatened to kill me, she took his side. She always had to be better than me at everything I did. She always had to be prettier than me. Smarter than me. Why did I want her to love me? I guess it’s because she was my mom.

I am trying to lose weight for me. I am working out again. I am doing WW. I asked my doctor for help, and got it. I deserve to feel good and be healthy and enjoy life. I am taking care of myself because no one else ever has or will. I am working hard to stay in Wise Mind in this situation. My emotions want to punish me on mom’s behalf. My logic tells me I need to lose weight to be healthy. The middle path says use mom’s treatment of me as fuel to become healthier. So, that is what I am doing.

Being non-judgmental

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“Be non-judgmental in your own thoughts, feelings and beliefs.” – Mindfulness, T. Rowan ed.

Such a simple statement, yet so hard to do. We naturally judge everything at all times. It is part of being human. Most of us are harder on ourselves than others, on top of that. It can really build up over the course of a day, much less a lifetime.

We are taught early on to determine the worth and worthiness of everything and everyone we encounter. We are taught the values of our role models, for better or worse. We watch how they react to and treat other people. That is a new set of rules to include in the young mind. We watch what they consider worth having/doing. We were taught what to pursue and what to do to be worthwhile.

Sometimes judging is good. Picking the good bread instead of the moldy piece. The good milk instead of the sour. The person who will validate and support you instead of the one who weakens and hurts you. These decisions help us function and thrive.

Other judgements cause pain and undue suffering. They weigh us down with negativity. Racism is an obvious example of this sort of judging. Valuing the pursuit of money or promotion in a prestigious career can also add to the weight carried by the soul. People have valued these things, but in reality they do not help the person grow or thrive. Most people are particularly severe in the judging of self — thoughts, dreams, hopes, goals, work, endeavors.

Learning not to value yourself, judging yourself to be less than others, is a hard lesson to unlearn. Even harder than learning not to judge others. If your parent or care giver does not validate you, instead they belittle you and every effort you make, it is welded into your psyche that you are unworthy and you must strive to become worthy of love and respect. I was taught that I was ugly, stupid, a burden. My father’s favorite words to me were “you’re so stupid you could make a saint curse,” even as I earned academic awards for highest grades and test taking skills. When I made something, my parents rarely even bothered to keep it. They usually threw it away, often in front of me. These things taught me to devalue myself and anything I did or made. They taught me I had no right to expect anything and that I would never be good enough.

Those lessons weighed me down. Made me a victim that allowed myself to be hurt and abused. They told me it was both my fault and my job to let my grandfather sexually abuse me. I didn’t have friends. I didn’t think I was good enough for anyone to want to be around. Anything I could do well wasn’t worth doing, because I could do it. More links in a heavy chain around my heart and soul. I lived with those and thought I didn’t even deserve to live. I used to hope to die so I wouldn’t keep disappointing everyone and bothering them by being alive. I didn’t think I could be a success at anything worth doing.

I first stopped judging others. Learning to accept and love people as they are, not as I think they should be. Now, I’m even reaching the point that I don’t have preconceived notions of what a person should be. That has taken a lot of work. Miles of ink on paper written to get ideas and “rules” out of my head, where they were cemented by my early experiences. I would catch myself (still do sometimes, I’m not perfect) and stop and say “They are just as they should be and need to be.” Radical acceptance and love for everyone are key to ending the judging cycle. Letting go of those judgements was very freeing. It feels good to love people.

Next, came the hardest part. Learning not to judge myself. My thoughts, feelings, actions, beliefs. I still hear my parents’ voices telling me terrible things about myself (“you’re so stupid”) or what I had done (“you ruined my life”). I have to fight those voices. I am slowly learning that I am worthy. I am enough. I am a success. No, I don’t make millions or lead a large group or influence everyone. I have a cozy little house, a good marriage, a cute dog, a job I enjoy, and crafts to make and things to bake and a garden to grow. I am learning not to punish myself for being myself. It is hard. Every day I get a little better at it. Sometimes I can go entire hours without hearing that mean little voice in my head. I am learning to accept myself as I am and know that I am a human being.