acceptance

Understanding Time Perception: Age vs. Mindfulness

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I don’t know about you, but I find that time does 2 very different things lately. Each day seems to last forever. But then, a week is gone before I even know it. A month, a year, goes even faster. Is it an effect of age? Is it an effect of mindfulness?

If it’s my age, it’s because I am getting older and have more to remember. I just can’t keep up with everything that happened a day ago. I make my to do list and check it off as I go, so I know I’ve done things. I can look around and see that I’ve done things like start seeds, water my plants, clean the house. While I’m doing them, they seem to last forever, though. Cleaning up the kitchen seems to be taking an hour, but I look at the clock and see that I only took 10 minutes. Binge watching TV seems to be fleeting, but then I look up and it has been hours, and I can’t remember what I watched. Is that because the TV isn’t as engaging as it once was? Am I just checking out and not paying attention because it isn’t important? I am usually crocheting while I watch, so maybe I’m paying more attention to the yarn and hook than the show.

Of course, if it’s mindfulness, it’s not something I’ve ever heard or read of in respect to mindfulness. I know you focus on the present, not the past or the future. Is that why the past and future seem so intangible and rapid? the present so long and lengthy timewise in comparison? I try to be mindful because I find it helps with my stress and anxiety. If I’m not reliving the mistake I made 3 weeks ago, I am healthier and happier. If I’m not worried about getting tasks done at work, I am more productive and more proficient. In both cases, the past and future seem to fly by and not linger, while the present is all there is.

I think I’ve decided I’m feeling a combination of the 2. Rarely is something all one thing or another. I think it much more likely for things to blend into a combination, like red and white make pink. Different amounts of red or white will give you a different value of pink. I think age and mindfulness do the same. Pale pink is my focus on the present versus the focus on past or future. Dark pink is the fact that I just have so much to remember now that it is hard to hold all of the past and future equally in place. It isn’t a bad thing. In fact, it seems to be making me more secure and content with my life. Healthier. Happier. I can plan. I can track. I just don’t focus on the time that has gone or is coming. I have no real control over time. Only my perception of it. So, I think I’ll stick with my mindful focus on the present and my not worry about my age causing me to have less attention for the past and future.

Gardening Your Mind: Tips for Emotional Well-Being

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Have you ever noticed that the worse your mind makes you feel the worse your body feels, too?

I’ve been fighting a bout of depression for the last few months. Still managed to go to work and take care of myself, but just didn’t really care about anything or anyone. Nothing felt good. Didn’t want to see anyone or talk to anyone. And the longer I stayed down, the worse I felt physically. Like I’d used up all my money and there was nothing left to pay for anything at all. I finally started to feel better, and wouldn’t you know it, I became physically too ill to work. It was a drag, like an albatross around my neck to finally be in a better place mentally, but have my body say “Oh no you don’t!”

But, I did get over it (mostly). I went from feeling trapped in a cage made of my sick body to being able to venture out and get things done. I still have a symptom. A weird one. My mouth hurts. No sores. No cavities. No burns. It just hurts all the time. So, I’ve come to believe my psychatrist is right. My mental state is affecting my body. I am still concerned about things. Can we afford groceries this week? Will we pay all the utilities? What else can people do to ruin this country and make it harder to live in?

So, I’ve decided it’s time to let it go. Picture blowing the seeds from a dandelion. Each seed under its fluffy parachute a care that I cannot do a thing about. Money problems? Puff — there go several seeds. The puff is accepting that no one is hiring an over educated, too old, fat, and mentally ill woman, so all I can do is do the best I can to pay things. Let the rest go on the wind with the seeds. I can’t control what others do. Some will always use others to make themselves richer, without regard to the others they are hurting. Some will be bullies that no one can stand up to. Some will take away things other than money to make themselves more important and powerful. Blow! Blow! Blow! There go the bullies and greedy people. I can’t change them. I shouldn’t let them take up room in my mind like dandelions taking over my garden. The things in my garden, I can affect. I can pull up the weeds in my space. I can address a bully in front of me. I can be more frugal and stretch my money farther. I can blow harder and the dandelion seeds will go farther away, to where they cannot grow in my garden. Blow your seeds away. Letting them go will help your garden flourish. You’ll be happier and healthier. Remember radical acceptance and circle of control. Those are how you blow the weeds away from your garden. Those tools will help you thrive in your own, personal garden, decorated with flowers and herbs of your choice, not someone else’s.

On the verge

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Spring is progressing with fits and starts. One day it is so hot we need air conditioning, then the next we need a light jacket. The trees are nearly completely leafed out. I have roses, clematis, and irises blooming. Birds are singing for territory all day long. And here I am, stuck at work and in life.

I have been allowing myself to fall to the wayside. I’ve not been walking my laps, exercising, or eating healthy. I still can’t seem to sleep at night. I’ve spent my time lying in bed worrying about everything and everyone else. Trying to figure out how to fix problems for everyone else; ignoring my own. I have no energy or drive lately.

All I’ve wanting to do is hide on my bed, in the dark, and wish the world would pass me by. Now granted, I am a champion introvert. Taking a position as ahermit in a deep, dark forest and living as the old witch of the woods has a definite attraction. I’d have a cottage made of stone, surrounded by a cottage garden of flowers, herbs, vegetables, and fruits. A little mountain brook giggling along side the cottage, in a clearing surrounded by the protection of the huge old oaks. Squirrels playing tag. Rabbits and deer peeking out from among the trees. Butterflies and bees visiting the flowers. Bats swooping by as the owl hoots at night, under glistening stars and silvery moon. My cat and dog would be my only roommates. I’d have tons of books and yarn and embroidery materials. I would have music playing all the time. No one to argue with or try to please. Splendid solitude. I’d only venture out once a month or so for supplies. Alas, that is never to be.

So, what do I do with my life as it is? How do I find the peace and contentment I am so sorely lacking these days?

I think I have to begin by shifting my focus. I can’t keep putting myself under pressure to fix things for other people. They are adults. They should take care of themselves. I can’t, and shouldn’t, do it for them. Accept things as they are. Let go of my expectations and goals for these other people. I have no more right to control them than they have to control me. I can be there for them. Listen. Encourage. Assist within reason. Not tell them how to fix everything and try to do it for them.

I also need to stop worrying about letting everyone else down through my actions and existence. If I am to find serenity, I have to look within, not without. Accept that I have a nice life. I’ll never be important to the world. I’ll not leave much of an impact when I go. I don’t have children to leave a legacy. I’m like the vast majority of people. I’ve been good to some people, but not so many that I’ll leave a void when I’m gone. They will move on. They will find someone else to process the data, explain the rules, craft them gifts, bake them goodies, and care about them. I’m not rich. I never will be. In this world, only the rich seem to really matter. People care more about what the rich are doing than being a good friend or loving family member.

I need to approach my life like a rose. There are millions of roses. They are all special and unique in their own way. They have different colors, shapes, scents, sizes. Each one is special to the bees that visit it; the people that see/smell it. They bloom their best when it is their time, not before or after. They don’t try to hurry or hesitate to bloom. They do it when they are ready. Each rose has purpose. Each rose exists as itself, whole, complete, and perfect in its imperfections. Each rose is important, even as there are so many of them that it seems no single rose matters. It matters to the ones who experience it, but they replace it with the next year’s rose. Such is the way of life.

I am good at helping the people I actually encounter at work. I help them succeed in their lives. My friends and family love the things I make for them. I try to remember to smile at everyone I pass. I am smart and good at explaining things to people, helping them do their jobs and learn in classes. I have come a long way. I am past the bloom of youth, but I’m not a ripe rose hip, yet. I am me. And I am good at it.

Christmas is back!

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I know I am not the only one who has trouble being merry and jolly this time of year. If you’re a real person with a real family, chances are that getting everyone together creates a ton of stress. Getting the right gift. Eating enough of grandma’s cooking to make her happy but not be a gluttonous pig. Disagreements over politics. Old family arguments flaring up. Of course, you may be like me. I never see my family for Christmas. It is always a lonely day with just my husband, which, if you pay attention to media, is totally unnatural and should make me feel unloved, unwanted, unsuccessful, and suicidal. So, you can’t win either way.

If you are trying to lose or not gain weight during the holidays, you feel another ton or so of pressure. All the yummy goodies that you know will taste good. People showing love by making and giving you baked goods. Your weight loss group telling you not to eat any of it if you want to be a good dieter. The judgement of said group if you do eat Christmas treats. The worry that you will give in and binge yourself out of your smaller pants and back into your tent dress.

Everything has to be pretty, festive, and meaningful. You have to be careful not to offend people. Wishing the wrong person the wrong holiday greeting can lead to an argument, hurt feelings, and being excluded from the group. Of course, there is a whole segment offended if you don’t call it the holiday they celebrate. Keeping all that straight is exhausting in itself.

So, what does all of this have to do with self worth and weight loss? Quite a bit.

If you are a stress eater, there are plenty of triggers around. Family arguments. Strangers fighting you for a gift/parking place/last ham on the shelf. Fear of offending people by saying the wrong thing. Your support group telling you that you cannot indulge in any way or you have failed. And there are many, many opportunities to give in and try to stuff that anxiety into silence.

If you are prone to binge eating, what a target rich environment!!! Everyone is making and giving cookies. Fancy dinners to get together. Parties with lots of appetizers. Stores are full of treats. Huge festive meals. You don’t even have to sneak around or hide the food to binge this time of year.

Feel the pressure for everything to be perfect? Decorated with coordinating presents, trees, wreaths, figurines, and lights (a la Martha Stewart)? Getting everyone the exact thing they truly want? Being happy and cheerful the whole time? Doing parties and activities non-stop? Actually enjoying being with your family? Yep, your self worth is taking a hit from the myth of Christmas or the holiday of your choice.

I have learned to accept that I do feel pressure for everything to be perfect andthe anxiety of getting everything right is going to drive me to binge. I can’t pretend that they aren’t there. They are a part of me. My self worth and ability to deal with all the stress and tempations are integral to me. They help make me who I am. To deny them is to deny myself and pretend that I am someone I am not. I have to accept them, deal with them, and live. To help myself control the urges to binge, I spend a lot of time journaling, doing behavioral chain analysis, coping ahead, and keeping myself busy with baking/crafts/writing. You may well ask how I can bake a great deal and not eat it all. Well, that is strangely tied to my lack of self worth. I honestly believe that everything I make is no good, no matter how many people tell me they love it and that they want more of it. That belief keeps me from wanting to eat the cookies, fudge, cakes, and bread that I make before I give it away. The behavioral chain analysis, coping ahead, and writing take place in my journal. You can find free work sheets for those things if you just Google or use Pinterest. I have a bunch of things like this saved on my Pinterest therapy board for when I need a nudge to do the work. I have also learned to understand that the “perfect holiday” doesn’t really exist. No one can do everything perfectly and make everyone happy and be happy, too. It’s crazy to expect anyone to do that. Companies make a lot of money by convincing people that it is achievable, making them feel less than if they don’t reach that elusive goal. When I start feeling less than because of the lack of family, perfect decorations, parties, and such, I remind myself that it is a giant house of Christmas cards, ready to fall apart at the slightest examination, so I shouldn’t feel bad because I can’t or don’t do all of those things.

This is my happy Christmas day. I sleep late. I make a good breakfast for my husband and myself. I spend the morning crocheting or cross stitching until time to start cooking. I cook a full meal (turkey, ham, home made rolls, red velvet cheese cake, green beans, corn, deviled eggs, and such). I know it’s a lot for 2 people, but we are OK with left overs for a week after the big day. I read and craft throughout the day. The Christmas tree lights are twinking on my miniature tree. My amaryllis, poinsettias, paper whites, and hyacinths are blooming. I think it is wonderful and restful. It’s not the huge family gathering with all the perfectly coordinated decorations and such, but it is the right thing for me. Once I accepted that, my self worth began to recover. I do wonder what it would be like to participate in the “perfect holiday,” but I know it doesn’t mean I’m any less if I don’t have that.

So, take care of yourself. Remember your reality is better than the make believe “perfect holiday” because it is yours. If you want to eat some cookies, do it. You’ll end up eating less if you give in and satisfy the urge rather than trying to eat around it. Use your journal to get the thoughts out of your head and examine them. Deal with them and let them go. Everyone can make it through the holidays in a good place. Take your own Christmas cards and build your own holiday.

The comfort of old demons

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I’ve been spending a lot of time thinking about how I pressure myself to lose weight, and what a spectacular failure it has been. I’m still not gaining, but I’m not losing either. I know I should be happy to be down 5 sizes and have all my bloodwork come back looking great. I know it is an achievement to not regain the 140 lbs. with reinforcements. But, I’m still not satisfied, happy, or proud of myself. I keep thinking myself to death.

I shouldn’t eat real food, because everyone at WW is finding 0 point fake foods and eating those instead. A goodly portion of every WW meeting is concerned with finding low points alternatives for regular food. It’s odd. In WW commercials they tout eating real food while you lose weight. At a meeting, if you are eating regular food, everyone shakes their heads at you and you can feel the judgment rolling off of them in waves. The conviction of the group is that no one can eat normal food and be thin or healthy. You have to eat food lacking flavor and texture. It’s the old saying, if it tastes good, spit it out. The mantra of dieters everywhere.

What have I learned from this? First of all, people seem to want to focus on things that will make them unhappy, like punishing themselves will win them a place in heaven. Giving up food you like is the only way to be thin (and of course, only thin people matter or have worth). Second, they would all claim they are not doing this. They would say they are eating regular food. I’m sorry, using a wrap made out of egg whites instead of slices of bread is not eating regular food. I don’t like sitting there watching them hurt themselves in an attempt to earn sainthood (thinness). And third, I cannot be happy participating in the artificial food feast.

Several of the members say that getting a huge quantity of food is more important than the food tasting good. I can’t go along with that. I have been a binge eater all of my life. But, now, I’m learning to fill the emptiness with other things (reading, crafts, gardening, even, gasp/horror, baking). I find it sad that a person would prefer to just shovel the stuff in, no matter what it tastes like. How is that enjoying food? It makes me sad. People trying to fill the space inside with something, anything, because the emptiness hurts. We’ve been taught that eating will make the pain go away, but it doesn’t. It actually makes more pain and misery.

I am working to learn that sadness and emptiness and loneliness are not going to kill me. If I pay attention to my life, I will find positives to experience and the negatives will pass. It was a hard lesson to learn; that eating doesn’t get rid of the bad thoughts and feelings. I still backslide from time to time. The comfort of the old demons is sometimes impossible to resist. I’m learning not to punish myself for embracing the old demons. Once upon a time, they were my friends and protectors. I’ve outgrown them. I am my own protector now. The old demons aren’t gone, though. They never really go away. You just spend less and less time with them as you become stronger and heal.

I know it is hard to change well established habits. Even when they only hurt you. To develop new strategies and plans, you have to invest time and energy. You have to learn new ways. You have to be patient and gentle with yourself. You have to acknowledge the old demons and how they once helped you. You have to accept and believe that things have changed. You have to know that you can protect yourself and take good care of yourself. Your old demons will try to win you back. That’s what they do. It’s OK to admit they are there and to visit them from time to time. The trick is to not let them tell you what to do or how to live. You can get there. You can let go of the old and find the new.

Why do I do it to myself?

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I find that like a lot of others, I self sabotage. I know I’m doing it, even as I do it. I know it will make me feel even more miserable and unhappy than I do to start. Why do I keep doing it? Could it be old habits die hard? Could it be better the devil you know? Could it be laziness? Could it be old behavior that was helpful at one point but isn’t any more? All of the above? How do you know? And how do you improve your performance?

So. The cause. Once upon a time, when my family used food for a reward and a means to control my behavior, eating a lot whenever I got the opportunity or to make myself feel loved, made sense in a twisted kind of way. I was young. I thought food equaled love, power, and security. That happens when your parents will hide food and limit your food intake because you’re too fat at the age of 5. Newsflash, I’ve seen pictures of myself. I wasn’t fat. I didn’t become fat until my teenage years. So, their major control over my food and the way my parents and grandparents used it as a reward, gave me serious food issues. In my mind, the more food you got the better you were. So, I learned to binge whenever the opportunity presented itself. That habit has remained in my personality until today. I learned the lesson very well.

I also put on weight as a defense mechanism. I thought if I were fat enough, my grandfather would stop touching me in ways that he shouldn’t. He didn’t stop, but I kept trying to distance myself from him with food.

Between those 2 things, I did gain a lot of weight. I made it up to 400 lbs. The use of food for comfort, reward, and defense is hard wired into my brain. So, why didn’t I change it when I realized it was not a good thing to do? I think it was a combination of laziness, comfort, and stubborness. It was easier to keep doing what I had always done. I knew that being fat meant not being respected or expected to be very much as a person. Lower expectations are considerably easier to meet. Fear of failure kept me from trying to do better. It was easier to be a no body.

I was slowly trying to kill myself with food. I didn’t understand that until I finally found a therapist who actually saw me as a person, not a fat person. I finally learned to use my DBT skills. I am teaching myself CBT skills. I get up early to walk to feel better. Journal to get the thoughts out of my head so that I can see, accept, and let go of my thoughts and feelings. Check my planner to help me cope ahead with whatever is coming in the day ahead. Check in with my DBT diary to remind myself to keep using the skills I learned. Take my medicine. Get myself together.

I have finally stopped trying to kill myself with food. I do still binge, but now a binge is 3 donuts or 2 snack cakes. It used to be an entire quarter sheet cake and 5 cheeseburgers and a couple large fries and a large coke. I actually like life now. I’m like the butterfly spreading my wings. I spent most of my life as a caterpillar: eating huge amounts of food, hiding from predators. Learning the new skills and approach to life were pupating.

I’m getting myself to a better place every day. I work to be fitter. I am getting smaller. I rejoined WW. I apply my DBT skills. I use mindfulness and acceptance to make it through every day. I cope ahead to handle food stress and problems I know are coming. I accept that I cannot control everything, so I must learn to let it all go. Let my feelings pass and know they are not facts, they are impressions. Eat to be healthy, not to comfort or control. My wings are enjoying the feeling of the sun. I’m not hiding under a leaf any more.

The infamous last dinner of dieting

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Everyone who has ever planned to lose weight, knows about the last dinner. That last meal where you let yourself eat what you really want in preparation for denying and depriving yourself so that you will lose weight. Isn’t that kind of setting yourself up to fail?

If you’re looking at food as rewarding = not healthy and good food = not what you want, aren’t you telling yourself that you don’t deserve to be happy and healthy? That is not a good way to live your life. Everyone deserves to be happy and healthy. You are a human being. You are worthy and valuable to the world. So stop punishing yourself to be “better.”

Needing to lose weight does not mean you are weak, less than anyone else, or deserve punishment. It means that you’ve got some unhealthy habits or problems that need to be improved and unlearned. None of us set out to be fat. We were just trying to comfort or reward ourselves in a world that didn’t meet our needs or care about us. So, we picked up using food to self-medicate. After all, food doesn’t tell you you are ugly, useless, less than, or unworthy. Food provides comfort and enjoyment. Sadly, when that is our only source of comfort and filling the emptiness inside our souls, it creates more problems, making it necessary to use food and even more of a drug. Creating more problems. Increasing the urge to eat. And so on. The classic viscious cycle.

Until, you decide it is time to lose weight. Become a “better” person.

Enter the last dinner. You promise yourself that you will enjoy this last meal, and it will get you through the denial you plan to practice to lose weight. You get all you favorites. Cheeseburgers. Fries. Chocolate cake. Cookies. Ice cream. Pasta loaded with cheese. Grilled cheese. Whatever gets your appetite going. Lots of each thing, too, of course. Eating until you are painfully full because you expect to never eat the “good stuff” again, because you are going to lose weight. Has it ever worked for you?

It doesn’t work out that way for anyone I’ve ever known. You set yourself up to fail when you approach your eating habits like that. You’re telling yourself A) what you like/love is off limits, B) there is “good” food and “bad” food, and C) you must be punished to redeem yourself. None of those things is healthy for you.

To really get healthy, you have to change habits and mind sets. You can’t view the changes as punishments, or you’ll resent them and sabotage yourself. You can’t think of it as punishing yourself, or you’ll rebel and comfort yourself the same way you always have. You need to know that all food can be good, it’s the amounts that make anything bad for you.

You must eat food that you actually like, for changes to stick. Maybe that means eating mindfully. No more mindless noshing in front of the TV or social media. Actually looking at your food, smelling it, tasting it. Slowing down. Those changes will help you enjoy what you eat and not need so much of it to be content. Perhaps, you’ll need to learn to prepare your favorites yourself and in a healthier way.

You also need to learn new ways to comfort yourself and deal with stress. Food hasn’t worked for you, yet, and it probably never will. I highly recommend therapy and DBT to learn to deal with stressors. You’ll get tools and strategies to use. Behavioral chain analysis, where you break down the behavior you want to change and develop ways to change it. Self soothing that doesn’t involve food (coloring, crafting, reading, listening to music, journaling, taking a bath, taking a walk, etc.). Mindfulness and letting emotions and thoughts pass, instead of being trapped in them. Acceptance of life as it is, reducing the stress from thinking life is supposed to be a particular way. You can do it.

So, no more last dinners. Make every meal a pleasure and you’ll be happier and healthier.

What to do when you’re sinking fast.

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I’m tired of this plateau. I seem to keep running just to stay still. I haven’t changed my eating habits. I’m being more active. I’m drinking more water. So why am I not losing anything except my peace of mind?

I’ve always been an emotional eating. Trying to fill the emptiness with calories. I’m not doing that this time around. I guess I should see that as a victory. In the old days, I would have eaten 4 or 5 cheeseburgers, a large fry, and a cake in one sitting. I don’t do that any more, and even though it was my go to strategy for years, I’m not feeling to urge to do it now. Progress, right?

I need to find a new way to comfort myself and reassure myself. I just want to hide in my little corner and pretend that there are no people out there. I want to be left alone in the dark. I don’t want to eat. So what can I do to put myself in a better place?

Talk to someone? I don’t want to pull anyone else into my bog. I’m not in therapy any more (I “graduated”). Discussion boards with strangers are not an attractive option. I guess I’ll settle for writing a nice, long letter to myself. Use cheerleading statements. List my concerns. Determine what I can and can’t control. Use radical acceptance. Maybe some behavioral chain analysis worksheets while I’m at it. Do some goal planning. A vision board. Try to use the words to rise from the ashes.

I need to look to the light. I haven’t gained any weight. I am fairly healthy. I have a home and a husband. I have friends. Things could be a lot worse. Note to self: That line really doesn’t ever work when you’re down in the bog. All I see at this point is the dark.

I am at least aware of my thoughts, feelings, and motivations this time. I need to be strong and use my DBT skills and do something. Actions change feelings. Thoughts do not change how you feel. If I give up, I know I’ll end up pulling the bog in behind me and not coming out. I have to fight for me. I deserve to feel worthy and useful. It’s time to do some serious work.

Is it really worth it?

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Everyone reaches a point, where they have to make the decision. Is what I’m gaining worth what I’ve given up? How do you make the choice? How do you adjust? How do you make life better?

I am reminded of my WW leader, who tells us often, that what we eat today to lose weight, we have to be able to maintain every day to be successful. If you’ve given up carbs, can you live with never having another piece of bread? a fresh baked cookie? birthday cake? If you became a vegetarian, do you miss huge, messy, greasy cheeseburgers? What did you gain? Is the gain even noticable in your life?

I have to admit, I can’t bring myself to give up bread, baked goods, cheeseburgers. I just gain too much pleasure from them to do it. I know, I know. I should be able to find contentment and happiness without food. But who am I kidding? That’s just not me. I have been losing weight steadily for the past year by allowing myself the things I love/crave, but in moderation. Instead of 3 cheeseburgers, I eat most of one. One cookie instead of a dozen. I was a champion binge eater. I have given up quantity, not quality. And you know what? I do find that acceptable and a worthwhile trade off for getting healthier. I even have to admit I’m feeling better about myself and life in general. I still enjoy food, but I don’t rely on it to get me through the day any more.

It’s has taken me years of therapy to get here. I also have help from my PCP and support from WW. WW is like a group therapy session for me every week. We’re all food addicts. We’re helping each other learn to cope with the urges to binge/eat unhealthy foods. Learning ways to satisfy the need, fill the emptiness, without food. I’ve learned how to make my favorite things healthier, too.

All the work I have done and continue to do requires my mind to be determined and practice mindfulness and radical acceptance. I have gained the ability to accept what is and move on with it. I’ve stopped expecting life to be fair. (Newsflash – it really never is.) I have found that the food I ate was cementing the pain, the loneliness, and the emptiness in place. Now, I’ve torn that wall down. I’m building a new wall of mindfulness and acceptance that allows me to see the world and grow into myself. I carefully select the pieces. They have openings in them. They let things in and out. The old wall not only kept bad things out (so I thought), it kept bad things in and good things out. It was 10 feet of reinforced concrete, a thousand feet high, a thousand feet into the ground. It was my fortress. Tearing down the fortress was hard and scary. But, I have found that I have gained so much.

I’m almost always happy now. Even a bad day now is 100 times better than my good days used to be. I don’t rely on food to comfort myself or hide my feelings. I own my feelings now. I let them in and out of my mind like clouds passing in a clear sky. In losing my ability to cling to them, I gained the ability to feel them and acknowledge then deal with them. As I gave up my binge eating, I became healthier and learned to love myself.

So, in the end, my gains are definitely outweighing the losses. I’ve lost a lot of pain, loneliness, weakness, and fear. I gave up the binges and got a better me.

The Lotus in the Well

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I’m really struggling these days. I know what I should be doing to take care of myself, but I can’t seem to do it. It’s like I’ve given up. It’s like the deep, dark moss covered well of muddy water is sucking me under, into its depths. Enclosing me in a miasma of self-loathing, self-hate, and despair.

What brought this on? The snide comments of my mother-in-law? Worrying about my sister and half-brother? Concern about the future? Exhaustion from working so hard on myself? All of the above?

Yeah, I think that’s it. All of the above. I’ve been trying to self medicate with carbs. It’s not helping, and I know it isn’t helping. So why am I still doing it? There is this feeling that I don’t deserve to feel good. That I should be a lonely, fat, disgusting lump of flesh because it’s all I deserve. My inner critic is really loud these days. I can’t seem to shut her up or reason with her.

Do I really deserve to feel this badly? No. I’ve done nothing to hurt anyone else. In fact, I think my friends, family, and coworkers would say that I am a good person. I’ve even been called sweet and helpful. I’ve never hurt anyone on purpose, and if I did I’ve always done everything I could to make it up to them. And of course, I am a human being; so I have worth just like everyone else does, even when I don’t feel it.

How do I climb out of the well? The mud is sticky. The mossy walls slick. No light to see.

I must remind myself and convince myself that I do deserve to feel good. Be healthy. Enjoy life. But how?

First of all, I’m going to vent here. Done. Then do some problem solving. Some pros and cons. I’ll get my journal out and fill the pages with thousands of words expressing my positives. My skills. My uses. My importance. Use my DBT tools (pros & cons, behavioral chain analysis) to figure out what to do. How to climb out of the mud and over the moss.

To complete my journaling, I’m going to use some of my colorful pens, washi tape, and stickers to make it happy. After all, you change things by acting, not by ruminating over the feelings like a cow chewing cud. Fake it ’til you make it, as my therapist used to say.

As I write, I’m going to look at things objectively. List my problems. My pains. Then, examine why they hurt so much. Next, I’ll use the tools to brainstorm solutions to heal the pain. The pain never really goes away. I think you just learn to handle it. You find the hand- and foot-holds out of the well. It’s still there. Just as gross and dark as always, but you exist in among the garden around it. Full of light and peace and contentment. You learn to see the butterfly flitting from flower to flower; happy just to be. You learn to see the maple tree grow; using what nature gives it and expecting no more or less. You learn to bloom like the roses; not worrying about how you compare to another.

It always takes time, effort, and determination to climb out of the well and explore the garden. I’ve done it before. I let myself fall back into the well this month. But, I caught myself before I got stuck in the mud. I’m stronger and better than I used to be. I will live in the garden. Smelling the roses, irises, lavender, and stocks. I’ll feel the warm sun. The rain. I’ll grow like the maple tree. Or maybe like a lotus, rising out of the mud in the well. I will grow stronger and better because of what I have felt and what I am doing to grow and flourish. I am the lotus.