weight loss

Stuffing your feelings

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Emotional eating. The bane of my dieting existence. Why do I do it? To avoid my feelings? To have an illusion of control? Both of them?

This month Weight Watchers is talking about eating (when/where/what/why). Emotional eating definitely has been discussed. It helps to hear others’ ways of dealing with the problems and urges. Get busy doing a craft. Go for a walk. Talk to a friend. Journal. Most of them are strategies that distract you from the urge. I find that doesn’t work for me. I have to take the urge by the horns, break it down, and deal with it. If you can distract yourself until it passes, great! I just can’t when I’m really in the throes of a binge.

We all eat based on emotions to some extent. Some of us handle it well. Being in the mood for nachos and eating 3 or 4 chips and being satisfied. Then there are people like me, who eat the whole platter intended to serve 4 and want more. I am applying the lesson I learned early in life. Food makes you feel better. It keeps you from being sad or lonely. It gives you the feeling that you are in control of something in your life. All are misleading. The feelings are still there. You are just as powerless to control things when you’re eating. In fact, you are even more out of control, thanks to the power of food.

I’ve been struggling the past few days. It was a year ago that my mother fell, broke her hip and went into rehab. She never came out. I spent May watching her slow, painful death. I think it was her MS ultimately. At the end, she couldn’t see, speak, eat, or anything. I still feel like I should have been able to do more. So of course, I’ve been eating things left and right. Anything that isn’t tied down looks appetizing. I’m trying to stop feeling bad and start feeling like I do have some power to exert control over the world. It isn’t working. 😦

I needed to stop and think. Reflect. Be mindful. I sat down with my journal, and listed all the things that I think are making me feel bad and powerless. Once I had that list, for each item I wrote the facts of the situation. Next, I wrote my feelings and irrational thoughts for each thing. Then, I wrote what I could actually do and how to do it for each thing. Finally, I made a plan of action, acknowledged my feelings and accepted that I cannot control everything or fix everything for my loved ones.

And you know what? I actually stopped eating everything in sight. I know I’m not the one in total control, but I noted my abilities to affect change or improvement. I told myself it’s OK to be grieving my mom. It’s OK to want to help everyone. It’s also OK to do what I can and then let the rest go. It isn’t easy. It took lots of work for me to reach this point. Meditation. Reflection. Journaling. Therapy. Hard work. I have earned my peace of mind and I have learned how to develop it for myself. You see, you can’t rely on someone else to soothe the pain or lessen the fear. You have to do it for yourself.

Once you’ve taken care of your thoughts, letting them go like clouds scuttling across the sky, you find contentment and inner joy in life. The need to eat everything dissipates. You can use your lifestyle tools to eat sensibly and feel satisfied. You can go on with life and love yourself.

So, how do you know if you’re really hungry?

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Weight Watchers (WW) last week was all about distinguishing internal hunger cues from external hunger cues. For example, watching a commercial and suddenly craving the food it shows is definitely external. Everyone has different internal cues. My personal ones are a headache, shaky hands, and I start to feel nauseous (which makes it a little weird when I’m eating sometimes). It’s important that you figure out your own signals. The best way would be to keep a food journal, listing when/what/how you feel/time/place for each time you eat. I like to keep mine in a diet journal. It helps you understand your body and mind. Knowing which one is calling the shots is very helpful.

What do you so when you are craving something? I find I need to give in and eat a little of it or I’ll eat the whole house trying to satisfy the urge. I am getting better at distracting myself from the urge, though. I use IMPROVE from DBT and “vacations”. Both come down to creating a different setting for yourself, away from the influences that are fooling you into the craving. Go to your happy place. Let’s face it, most of the time when I get cravings it’s because I am NOT in a good place. Someone has said something mean about my size. When my mom was dying was a terrible one. When the scale goes up and I know I didn’t eat that poorly. Or when the scale just doesn’t go down. Maybe your significant other brought home some baked goodies (my personal weakness). No matter what it is, you have to find a way to separate yourself from the current situation. Go on that mental vacation. Picture clouds moving across the sky or waves on the beach or a rainy storm, wiping away the urge. Meditate on it. Once you stop the squirrel mind, you can get back into a good place, and not give in to the urges.

So far, I’m down 40 pounds. Only 130 pounds to go. I’ve been on the dreaded plataue for the past couple of weeks. That has not helped my frame of mind. I’m working hard not to give in to the you-might-as-well-eat-everything-because-you’re-a weak failure state of mind. Lots of meditating and journaling. Self soothing without food. I hope to have broken through the plataue this week. Cross your fingers for me.

What slows you down?

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WW talked about fuel vs. friction a few weeks ago. Then it was your circle of friends. All of it has been about momentum this month. How to get it and keep it. So, how do I keep going?

I have adopted the idea that no food is bad. If I try to deny myself something, I just end up eating everything trying to cover that urge. Instead, I am trying to eat like a thin person. Have you ever noticed how they can take 2 or 3 bites and consider themselves sated? It blows my mind that such a thing is possible, but I am working hard to develop the habit. I am adapting a life style, not a diet.

So, how to eat less and be satisfied? I am focusing on eating mindfully. This means slowing down and actually tasting your food. If you eat more slowly, you will realize you are full before you devour the entire thing. So, eating like a thin person. I have to focus and be very deliberate to make this work. I strive to be present with the food, not letting my attention wander. It is making a big difference. I’m down 40 pounds, now. Instead of eating 3 cheeseburgers, I’m eating most of 1, and finding myself satisfied.

I’ve stopped using food to self soothe. I am doing other things like reading, taking a bubble bath, crafting, gardening, cleaning. Yes, I know, cleaning is not considered relaxing and soothing to most people, but I find it builds my peace, sense of control, and calms my mind. So, it is important to figure out what makes you feel good, that doesn’t involve food. Make a list. Look up a list of self soothing strategies on line. Think about what you did as a child to feel happy. Those things will work today, too. Keep your list with you until you have made it second nature. Your stress levels will drop and so will your weight.

It is Dog Wood Winter. I dislike these cold snaps in the spring, but they are normal. I find myself itching to get into my garden and make things grow. I grow a lot of herbs, flowers, and a few vegetables. I don’t have a huge garden plot. I grow most of my veggies in containers. Last year, my garden suffered from neglect because I was at my mom’s so much, watching her die. This summer, I hope nothing happens to bring me back down to that place. At that time, it was all I could do not to eat the entire house. I don’t feel as guilty about her death, now, but it has taken a lot of journaling and reflection to get here.

My journal is my favorite tool to develop mental health. It even helps me maintain physical health. I work through my feelings and figure out what is bothering me. I make a list of all the things I think could be bothering me. Next, for each item, I list the facts of the situation and my feelings/perceptions. Finally, I come up with what I can really do about each problem. This creates resolution in my mind and gives me a feeling of more control and guides me in what action to take. I often color code it to make it easy to see what goes with what. You don’t have to do it in a journal, just a plain old piece of paper will do. Give it a try. It’s far superior to just emoting and complaining in your journal.

How do you get there?

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Last week, WW was all about goal setting. Reasonable v. unreasonable. Outcome v. actions. Very good points. My ultimate goal is to lose 200 pounds. That seems insurrmountable if I look at it as 1 giant chunk. I need to break it down into manageable bites, or I’ll become overwhelmed and give up.

Of course the first step is to decide on where you want to go. Do some soul searching. Think about where you are. Accept yourself as you are. Evaluate the facts and possible outcomes. Then, determine the goal. As I said, mine is to lose 200 pounds.

Why do you need to accept yourself? If you approach the goal from a place of self-love and acceptance, you are being positive. Not punishing yourself or hating yourself. Neither of those is maintainable over the long haul, and let’s face it, reaching a major goal is a marathon not a sprint. If you can see it as doing good for yourself, and accept that you are human. You will have slips and points where you take a side journey off the path. It will be easier to find the path again, if you accept yourself and love yourself. That doesn’t mean that you can’t want to change, it just means that you know yourself and where you are and where you want to go.

Once you identify the objective, it is necessary to determine how you will get there. First, break it down into achievable pieces. I’m aiming at 5 pounds a month. I know it will take a long time, but it will also mean that the new habits and lifestyle will have time to become my new normal and comfortable to continue with through out my life.

So, we have the stops along the way, now, how do we get to them? You have to decide on the actions you are going to take. Just setting the outcome won’t get you there. You have to make the progress. Your goals are more meaningful if they are things you will do at a certain time in a certain way. I know I have to handle several angles if I am going to get to my destination. First, I am working on my mental health and self-love/compassion through journaling and therapy. I journal daily and do therapy as needed. Second, I need to change my lifestyle. I am adding vegetables and fruit and whole grains and lean protein. I drink 64 oz of water a day. I track what I eat with WW. Third, I am increasing my activity. I am working on walking more every day, at least 3000 steps (I was averaging 1000) a day. I am using workout videos on WW and YouTube and my large DVD collection. The goal is 3 work outs a week. So, I have concrete, measureable goals.

Using my steps to get to my destination, I can see success and feel that I am making progress, even if the scale doesn’t do what I want. As my WW leader says, the scale is not the most reliable indicator of success. How you feel and what you can do are the best ways to know if you’ve reached your ultimate goal. As a side effect, you’ll reach the weight goal too.

Perfectionism and losing weight

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Last week the WW workshop was about perfectionism and how it can hinder weight loss. The consensus in the group was that being a perfectionist definitely complicates the process and limits success. This idea that you must always do the exactly correct thing at the correct time and in the correct way or you have failed, is guaranteed to make you unhappy and frustrate you in reaching your goals. In DBT, the emphasis is on progress, not perfection. A much more sensible way to approach any goal, in my opinion. It encourages you to move on with what is, so you aren’t creating more misery and suffering for yourself by expecting things that just aren’t reasonable.

A classic example, you’ve been tracking your food, weighing and measuring all your portions, keeping under your daily points/calories goal, then you eat a piece of cake. The perfectionist in you says “Aha, I knew you couldn’t do it! May as well give up and go back to the old way of doing things!” So, you proceed to undo all the good things you have done. You minimize your success and focus instead on the one mistake. You keep on eating and stop tracking. In the end, you are worse off than when you started or even if you’d just forgiven yourself and gotten back on track after the cake. One piece of cake does not equal a gluttinous life.

The better thing to do, would be to forgive yourself and resume your good behaviors. Focus on all that you have done well. How far you’ve come. Accept that you are human, and from time to time you will slip off the straight and narrow. It’s OK. You don’t lose the path unless you keep going down the food addiction trail. You can get back to making progress and improving your life and reaching your goals.

Last Saturday, I earned my 25 lb. charm at WW. I admit I’ve gotten some help from my doctor. She put me on Ozempic, and it is starting to work. I find it hard to eat as much at a sitting as I used to. It actually feels like my stomach starts turning flips. I needed the help to learn not to hoover up all the food on the table, like someone is going to take it away from me. My mom isn’t here to take the food away any more. No one in my house is going to tell me to stop eating, except for me. Also, I’m not a high school science teacher any more. We only had 20 minutes to eat lunch, and do any paperwork or phone calls that had to be done. Now, I can take my time and eat and actually taste and enjoy the food. I try to eat mindfully. I’m getting better and better at it. I actually taste my food now, and savor it. I find I’m more satisfied with less food, but I do want better quality (butter not margarine, for example).

My ultimate goal is to lose 200 pounds. I have to see each step I take as success. Perfection is NOT an option. I am human. It took me 53 years to get here. I have the habits of a lifetime to unlearn. I have new tools and help in my journey. I have a mantra that I use “Progress, not perfection; accept, don’t expect.”

What to do when the binge monster strikes

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I know you’ve all felt it. The overwhelming urgent need to eat a ton of food in a very short period of time. Cheeseburgers and cake are my 2 main go to’s. I remember in high school, I would eat an entire quarter sheet cake and all of the sugary icing in 10 minutes. I was obviously trying to comfort and reassure myself, but at the time all I could think was that I was in control while I bought and ate the cake. Now, I know that is not the case. I am a food addict. It’s really hard to stop. After all, you can’t go cold turkey. You have to eat to live.

I’ve spent years in therapy and at Weight Watchers (WW). Slowly learning how to take care of myself and stop self harming by shoveling food into my body like it was a trash heap. No one deserves to be treated like that by anyone. I know that now. Sometimes I even feel it. That’s the hard part. Reconciling the feelings, habits, and knowledge into agreement.

I spend a lot of time writing out my feelings. Getting them out of my head. Often it goes like this, I list all the things that are bothering me in a numbered list. Then, I expand the list by listing all the details and facts about each item. Next, I write down a list of things I can do for each thing. Finally, I plan what to do to address the problem. It gets all of the chaos out of my mind. It helps me see the difference between my facts and feelings. It helps me feel in control.

Now, I’m applying this to my weight. When I feel a binge coming on, I try to stop to analyze why I’m feeling the urge. This helps in 2 ways. The first is that it simply takes time that sometimes allows to urge to pass. Second, it helps me let the feelings pass and focus on what is really happening. For example, I was craving a McDonald’s binge a week ago. I normally would order 5 cheeseburgers, a quarter pounder, a McChicken or 2, and fries and sundaes. In the past, I would have devoured it without even tasting it or pausing to think if I were hungry. Last week, I stopped and wrote instead. I listed my problems (money, weight, loneliness, worries about work). Then, I wrote down the facts for each category. I made a tree diagram and color coded it so I could really see what was happening. After that, I wrote what would be all the options, positive and negative (spend the money and gorge, save the money and eat a sandwich, save the money and not eat, etc.). After a few minutes, I decided the best course of action was to not order McDondalds. Instead, I had a salad with grilled chicken breast made from things in my refrigerator. A win/win. I ate healthy, instead of carrying out my unhealthy relationship with food. I saved money, which lowered my worries about paying bills.

Granted, it is hard to always stop yourself and journal instead of eat. I still slip up. But, I am getting stronger and better at taking good care of myself. Showing myself some good love.

I’ve lost 10 pounds in the last 2 weeks. Yippy! It is an effort, but I think it is worth it.

How did I end up like this?

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I am morbidly obese. There, I said it. Yes, I feel gross and disgusting because of it. I try to practice self love and compassion, but my parents’ voices telling me how disgusting and ugly I am keep shouting to be heard. So, how did I end up like this?

As a child, my grandmother was a major food pusher. I remember my dad telling my mom not to let me eat because I was too fat. I remember being told at 5 years old that I was fat and disgusting. I learned to equate food with safety and comfort. So naturally, as good as my mom was about hiding food, I learned to be good at finding it and sneaking and eating more. I wasn’t thin, but when I look back on pictures, I wasn’t fat. I remember Mom telling me I couldn’t play in my room because I was so fat I’d fall through the floor. I remember her scolding me because I was 14 and wore a size 16. Over the years, I packed on the pounds.

The only time Dad paid attention to me was when he was fussing at me about my weight. I also thought if I gained enough weight my grandfather would stop touching me and trying to have sex with me. Mom told me that was all my own fault, by the way. So, food was comfort and safety. When I snuck and ate, I felt safe and protected. I’ve kept that up, except for 1 time in my life when I actually lost a lot of weight. Of course, it all came back with reinforcements.

I’m finally doing something to take proper care of myself. I’ve joined WW. I’m in therapy. I’ve done DBT and CBT. I asked my doctor for medical help. I am going to get there. My goal for 2022 is to lose 100 pounds. I’ll still be obese, but I’ll be better off than I am now. I have tools now. I am going to use them. I am going to write about it here to increase my accountability and focus on the goal. I hope it helps me and anyone else who needs the help and support. I’ve got this.