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I’m Back

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I’ve been out of touch for a while. I had the flu (yes, I had gotten the shot) and was out of commission for a couple of weeks. Then, my computer died on me. That’s all OK and water under the bridge. On the bright side, I got a new computer and got out of going to see family that I didn’t really care to see. And, I had some time to think.

I realized that I haven’t been taking good care of myself. I’ve been living in “what-if-land” instead of staying in the present and being mindful. I was working very hard on improving my health and mental status. Eating better food. Walking and working out. Then, for some reason, I just stopped. It was almost like I was punishing myself or afraid to succeed. Why?

I know I’ll always be the fat, ugly girl in part of my mind, even though I know it is not true. I have people telling me that I look great. I don’t look my age and they can tell I’ve lost a lot of weight. So, why do I let the little voice in my head tell me that they are lying? It is ridiculous of me to call everyone a liar. I need to learn to accept the compliments and not look for the attack that I used to think was coming. Wise Mind says that it’s OK to feel emotions, but you have to temper them with logic and reason. It is not logical that everyone would lie to me. I have to balance my reaction. I do deserve to be happy and healthy. This punishment of myself must end. I need to stop being afraid of change, too.

Taking care of myself is new and different for me. I spent most of my life trying not to live or be hurt. I was never happy. Now, I know that I can be happy and content with my life. I know I can take better care of myself and have a better life. Focus on the here and now. Don’t anticipate failure or pain. They are part of life, but I can pick myself up and go on with living. I don’t have to be stuck in the misery. Let go of the pain from the past. Accept the beauty of now. There are good things in life. Healthy food tastes good, too. You can still have chocolate, just not a ton of it. Moderation in all things; material things and emotions and responses.

I watch other people struggling with whether or not they deserve contentment and peace. I understand their problems. I have had them for years. Feeling inadequate, undeserving, hopeless, useless. I know those things are not true for anyone. I have an easier time explaining that to others, than reminding myself. I am enough. I deserve serenity. I will be content and satisfied with my life. Everyone should.

Waiting and wondering serenely

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So, a major winter storm is headed this way. Lots of people are already stressing about it. I know there is nothing I can do to change it, so, I’ll accept it and look for the positive. The snow and ice will be beautiful on the trees. I will get to stay home in my cozy little house and bake and craft. It will the closest I can remember to having a white Christmas here.

I am struggling a bit with my eating, though. I am craving comfort foods, and unfortunately they are not kind to my body. So, accept, don’t expect. I know what I am wanting, and I know what I should do. Time to reconcile the two. I can make comfort foods healthier. I can let myself have what my soul craves and slowly savor and enjoy it, so my body can tell my mind it is time to stop. Mindfulness. Staying in wise mind. Letting the feel good emotions take place. Satisfying the needs of my body. Not judging myself; rather, showing compassion.

It is alright to enjoy food. It is alright to do what I can to be healthy. I deserve both things. The key is to take my time, not rush into or through the experience. That will help me satisfy the craving and care for my body and mind. Food will always hold an allure for me that will be hard to deny. I accept that. I cannot expect myself to suddenly want kale and spinach instead of cake and cheeseburgers. During the snow and sleet, I will curl up with my cup of cocoa and homemade bread and enjoy the scents, flavors, and sights.

Find the inner serenity that comes from gratitude for what you have and acceptance of what is. We create so much of our own pain by expecting things to be as we want and wanting more and more. Slow down. Enjoy and savor each moment and each thing as they are.

‘Tis the time of the year when everything is dear.

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So, I survived Thanksgiving. Of course, it was only my husband, my dog, and me. That definitely helped minimize the stress. Now, it’s time to worry about Christmas.

So far, I’m staying on my plateau. Not gaining. Not losing. Of course, I still have to bake cookies and make candy. So, how to do it, when everyone expects it, and not gain a ton? I think the key is to NOT totally deny yourself the treats of the season. If you want something, savor it. Enjoy it. Embrace it. Be mindful as you eat it. Notice the scent, the texture, the weight, the sweetness, the saltiness, the memories. Take time to enjoy it and you won’t inhale the whole batch.

Yes, I have to bake. I could refuse, but then several people would be disappointed. My husband’s work place is used to him bringing in a big spread of homemade goodness. It makes me feel good to brighten up their holiday; retail work really sucks this time of year. I bring some in to my coworkers. I make some for my husband’s family. For some of these people, my gifts are the only homemade goodies they get. I think that is kind of sad. It makes me appreciate the childhood Christmases.

As a child, I learned to bake and make candy. My mom supervised, and often wasn’t very happy about the situation. I didn’t realize then, how lucky I was. So many kids today don’t ever get to decorate a cookie or make fudge. They don’t get to taste goodies made with love. It is sad. Enjoy it while it lasts!

 

Letting go versus giving up

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What is the difference between letting go and giving up? Is there one? I think there is. Letting go means not trying to fight reality and accepting what is. But, you still try to keep moving ahead and improving yourself. Giving up means you don’t care any more, so you don’t even try. Mindfulness teaches us to accept, not expect. This is a major part of letting go. Mindfulness doesn’t mean that nothing matters so you shouldn’t even try.

For example, I accept that I am fat. I know I did this to myself over the years. Even if I had external reasons, I still committed the offences against my own health. So, now I go to WW and eat mindfully and try to be more active. I try to be compassionate to myself. Once, not so long ago, I didn’t care about myself and felt that I might as well give up. Thanks to lots of therapy, I now understand that I do deserve to be treated well. I can take care of myself, and improve myself, even while accepting what I am at this point. I can have goals and strive to improve myself, even as I accept myself.

Welcome to my blog

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I am constantly amazed by the ability of people, in general, to judge, classify, and ostracize other people. It can be something simple, like they don’t dress the way a person thinks they should. Or something more complex, like they don’t have the correct Bible. I catch myself doing it, too, sometimes. I try really hard not to classify people on first sight. You rarely get it right, if you do, and it’s not fair to them or you. I really think the world would be a better place if we all just learned to coexist. I notice the stigma attached to mental illness. We’re weak, deviant, unstable, incompetent, untrustworthy, useless, shells of people. Yes, some of the worst mass shootings were carried out by those needing help with their mental illness, but so called “sane” people do it, too. Some of the worst “judges” are “sane” people. They think they are better than everyone else, and entitled to tell everyone else how they should think, act, and be.

It drives me crazy to see that happen. I generally ignore it when it happens to me. I am morbidly obese. If I focus on how people perceive me, I can barely find the strength to get out of bed in the morning. So, I try to practice live and let live. Accepting other people as they are and going on. It’s hard some times. I dress to please myself and my husband. The only opinions that should matter to me when it comes to how I look. Society tells me that I should be ashamed and hide so that I don’t offend their delicate senses.

Acceptance. Such a simple concept. So hard to practice and apply. The world is a better place when acceptance rules. Unfortunately, many people don’t see any point in accepting anyone else, especially if they can detect any difference(s). This lack of acceptance often turns into dislike, bigotry, and hate. Look at how Trump whips his crowd into a fury using the lack of acceptance like a magic wand. Scary.