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Why am I still punishing myself?

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I keep doing it. Old habits are soooo comfortable. Even when they hurt. I eat things I don’t need to eat and in amounts that are totally insane. I ask for help, and the insurance company says, no. So, I’m stuck trying to use my will power, which is anemic at best.

I’m starting over. I’m recommitting to myself. I’ll try to adhere to WW, the portions, the  types of food, the activity. I’m trying to get help from my doctor and therapist, too. Time to journal and track. Think before doing. Take care of me.

I also intend to blog more regularly and apply my DBT skills to this process. Wish me luck!

Why can’t I be nice to myself?

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I find it so easy to hate myself. I was taught well that I have nothing to offer anyone, that I am physically repulsive, stupid, incompetent, a repugnant waste of air. My parents were very good at that. So, I learned to me cruel and hateful to myself, not kind and compassionate. I am working hard to unlearn their lessons.

I would never talk to a friend, or even an enemy, the way I address myself. I am trying to learn new ways of handling myself. I work hard to find affirmations that mean something to me. I try to be mindful and let the negative thoughts pass like clouds in the sky. I have happy journals. They are notebooks that I have written quotes into and pasted images that make me happy. I have tried bullet journaling and tracking food intake. Things to help me help myself. I still  lapse into self loathing.

I am a grown woman. I can’t keep letting the pain of my childhood continue to steal my happiness, today. I am just as worthy as anyone else. I have good qualities and bad ones. I don’t expect to be happy 24/7. I know that is unrealistic. I just want to not feel bad all the time.

I am making a self soothing box/kit. My therapist suggested it. I’m putting items in it that help ground my senses and pull me back from the edge. I need the support. I need to support myself. I was filling out a worksheet she sent me, listing the good things about myself. It was hard. I managed to fill in compliments, skills, making others happy, etc. I just couldn’t think of anything I like about my appearance. I’m morbidly obese. I have gray hair. Fat rolls. Stretch marks. Cellulite. Wrinkles. I think of my hair and skin as greasy and nasty (thanks Mom). My skin has bumps on it (ectopic dermatits) and eczema. My toes are too long. I’m short. I wear glasses. I just can’t seem to find anything positive to say about my body. I’m getting there with my mind and actions, but not my body.

There I go, childhood judgments coloring my world today. I deserve to at least like myself. No one should hate themselves. So, I’ll keep working on it. Getting help from my therapist. Trying to soothe and raise that small girl who was scarred so badly. She was beautiful. I  look at old pictures and really think I was very pretty. I need to get back there. I need to take care of me.

Back after a hiatus

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I have stayed away because I’ve been in a very dark place. My own head. I am finally climbing out. I stopped working on mindfulness, acceptance, and letting go of judging and expectations. It was a mistake. My whole life went into a death spiral. Now, I’ve reclaimed my life. I have to accept that life is work, it does not come easy.

I’ve been journaling a lot. I am making junk journals and bullet journals. I need to keep my mind straight, and the journals help. I do a lot of problem solving in my journals. The prettier they are, the more I am likely to use them. Sort of like bait. I find that putting my problems and expectations onto paper makes them easier to deal with. They are out of my spin cycle of a brain, and I can take them apart and find the answers that I need.

 

Why do I have such a hard time loving myself?

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Here I go, again. I was doing well. Being productive. Losing weight. Making my doctor happy. Feeling good. And then, like a ton of lead, it hit me.

I suddenly want to do nothing but eat and hide in my bedroom. I feel empty. I feel disgusting. I feel unwanted and unneeded. I am undoing all the good that I had done. Why?

Am I so afraid of change and progress? Do I really hate myself? Am I really so disgusting? Am I really am empty void of nothingness?

No. To all of those, well, I do kind of hate myself, but I’m working on it. I deserve good things. I deserve contentment and serenity. I deserve to feel well. So, what am I going to do about my mixed up feelings?

First, meditate and relate to my greater power. I need to find the peace and purpose within my life that only mediation and spirituality can provide. I need to know there is something greater than me out there, and that I matter to it.

Second, accept that I’ve spent 50 years being the fat girl and was abused a good 25 of those years. That pain will always be there. I have to learn to let it go and not let it control me. Feelings will pass like clouds in the sky. The sky, like me, persists no matter what the clouds do.

Third, get in control of what I am doing. I know how to take care of myself and do good things for myself. So, I need an action plan. My plan:

  1. Keep doing the Weight Watchers program.
    1. track
    2. weigh and measure
    3. plan
    4. eat healthy foods
  2. Be active
    1. walk daily
    2. workout every other day
    3. keep up with my garden
    4. craft/create
  3. Meditate and be mindful
    1. meditate daily
    2. use Calm and other apps
    3. accept what is
    4. don’t let the past overcome today
    5. use my DBT workbooks
  4. Express myself
    1. make things through crafts
    2. write, the blog and pen pals and journal

To coordinate it all, I will keep my daily planner going and reach out to friends for support and helping me with kind accountability. You know, like a plant lets you know when you are taking good care of it or need to do something different. The plant doesn’t shout or curse or fuss, it just accepts what you give it and reacts accordingly. Your mind and body accept and react accordingly, too. Take loving care of yourself, and you will thrive!

Trying to see the light

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I am slipping into an oozing pool of blackness. My depression and BPD and PSTD are getting the better of me, lately. I’m not sleeping, and that makes it even harder to function by day. So, do I give in? Do I fight? I think I’m going to fight.

I am going to relearn my coping skills by going through my DBT manual. It will be like putting on your favorite pj’s and crawling into your safe bed. The work will make me stronger and healthier. I have to remember, even when I feel better, I’m not totally well. I’m like a broken terracotta pot that is held together by twine. Most of the time the pot can hold the soil and the plant within, but if it is over watered or the plant gets too big, the pot has problems. Most of the time, I can handle the stresses of daily life, but sometimes, someone will tell me something or do something that just totally throws me off balance. This time, I think it’s a combination of loneliness and hearing that some of my coworkers think I get “special treatment” that I don’t deserve.

I’ve worked hard to get where I am. I don’t think I get any special treatment. I’m expected to do my share of the work, and not only do I do it, I do it well. I help train others because I have more experience. I don’t think that’s special treatment; I can’t think of any other thing that sets me apart. It really hurt to hear that. I know I should use my Wise Mind and temper it with logical facts, but it has kept eating at me since I heard it 2 weeks ago. I need to blow it off like blowing the seeds of a dandelion. Watch it go, and know that it may grow somewhere else, but it won’t be in my space.

The loneliness is another thing. I can’t seem to shake my feeling of abandonment. I need to engage in some self soothing, instead of being lost in my mind like a prospector lost in the desert. The longer he stays in the desert, the worse it gets. No nourishment. No company. No shelter. I need to provide myself comfort and diversions. Break out the coloring book. Read a new book. Do some crafts to show I can make something worth while. I need to avoid food, though.

I used to turn to food to fill the emptiness. I’m working hard not to fall into that trap, again. I am eating healthier foods, because I’m planning ahead and not bringing the junk into my house. It’s my addiction. Sugar, fats, baked goods, greasy/salty potatoes. All they do is make me feel like a failure when I give in. I’m not getting on that treadmill, again. I’m down 65 pounds, and I have a long way to go. I am determined to get there.

So, what I need to do:

  1. DBT refresher
  2. Keep tracking my food (I am in Weight Watchers for the support)
  3. Keep working out
  4. Gardening and crafting to give me purpose
  5. Journal to get the darkness out of my head
  6. Get some quality sleep
  7. Reach out to friends
  8. Be patient
  9. Keep trying
  10. Love myself!

 

It’s finally spring . . .

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Well, the weather has finally decided to stay warm. My garden is calling. Seedlings force their way through the soil and into the sunlight. The change from a seed to a plant never ceases to amaze and invigorate me. The process of growth and change are miraculous. So, why can’t I have my own metamorphosis?

I yearn to change and feel good about myself. I think Spring is really the time to start anew, not Winter. All the world is waking up and becoming aware of itself, so why not me, too? I have been frustrated this winter by my inability to progress in my efforts to remake myself. My meditation practice has suffered. My healthy behaviors have stumbled. I have stagnated. I stopped living in the present and started doubting myself and pulling up all the tortures of my past. Time to stop.

Pay attention to the growth in the world and the way my soul mirrors this becoming. I deserve to feel content and alive. I need to contact that serene being within me. I need to slow down and watch the beauty of nature growing around me. Stop dwelling in the pain of the past and start reaching for the sun with the plants in my garden.

This morning, when I made my tea, I stopped worrying and really paid attention to what I was doing. Selecting the cup — pretty flowers and butterflies on the outside to please my eyes, a comfortable handle to please my hand. Heating the water — listening to the water begin to bubble, feeling the warmth, smelling the steam. Selecting the tea — wanting a strong flavor, picking among the choices (Darjeeling, English Breakfast, Tropical Green, and dozens more), selecting a yummy aroma. Pouring sweetener into the mug — watching the particles trickle from the spoon, catching a whiff of the sweetness. Brewing the tea — watching the water change from clear to deep, rich brown; smelling the tea as the steam rises; feeling the comforting warmth of the tea through the mug. Adding cream — watching the thick, white liquid pour from the container; watching the dark brown turn creamy white. Finally taking that first sip — luxuriating in the aroma, swirling the rich brew in my mouth, feeling the warmth move from my mouth to my throat. So much beauty and pleasure, if you just live in the moment and feel gratitude for what you have.

I am feeling reborn, now. Reinvigorated when it comes to caring for myself. I deserve to reach for the sun and experience all the beauty that life has for us, if we just notice it. I will be present in the moment, while working to reach contentment and serenity that I need to be successful as a human being.

Time for growth

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It is that in-between season, not quite Spring and not quite Winter. Plants are waking up from their rest. Trees are pumping pollen into the air as quickly as possible. Flowers are beginning to spread across the land. And for me, it’s time to decide. Will I keep working on myself or will I give up?

Time for some wise mind. Emotional mind says give it up, you aren’t good enough to succeed. Suspiciously, the voice of emotional mind sounds very much like my mother. Rational mind points out that I have managed to be healthier in the past. I have lost weight and worked out and felt good about myself. So, what is the middle ground? Accept that most of my life I was told I was not pretty or smart or worthy. That a lot of the time I was told I was fat, ugly, stupid, and a major mistake. I can’t change those facts. I can let them go and stop giving my abusers so much power. It isn’t easy. It requires hard effort and determination. But, to succeed and love myself and care for myself, I have to rise above it and let go. The lotus flower rises above the mud and water to show its beauty. I will be a lotus flower. I will keep trying to eat healthy. I will work out. I will be compassionate with myself. I will be better. I will stop judging myself against an impossible standard. No two flowers bloom exactly alike. All of them are beautiful in their own way. People are like that, too. We shouldn’t cause each other pain with judgments and unrealistic expectations. Being mindful means we should look for the positive in the moment, not expect things to be different than they are. Adding wise mind to that, we pair acceptance of ourselves with an ongoing effort to take better care of ourselves. Accepting the past and feelings, then letting them pass like dandelion seeds on the wind.

Why I Love to Beat Myself Up

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I’ve been stuck in my head for the last couple of weeks. Telling myself all kinds of bad things. I learned to do it well. My parents made sure of that. “You’re so stupid you could make a saint curse,” was a favorite of my father. My mother routinely told me how ugly I was and that every bad thing that happened to me was my own fault, while bragging about how great she was, herself. You get the picture.

I have to work hard to remember to reframe my negative thoughts and stop judging myself. If I don’t, it’s a terrible downward spiral, which only gets worse the longer it goes. At the bottom, I end up in the psych ward. I stopped before I got there, this time. I put a deliberate effort into using therapy apps and journaling. They helped me reframe and rephrase those negatives and see the positives. From “I’m disgusting and unlovable” to “I am pretty and deserve good things.” I have to keep reminding myself that my mother didn’t really mean to hurt me; she was damaged by her own parents and was seeking validation from the closest source she had at the time. Putting me down made her feel better about herself, temporarily. It didn’t last, though, so she had to keep repeating the process.

I am trying hard to feel gratitude and be mindful. Accept, don’t expect. That is my mantra. It reminds me not to judge and not to be disappointed by my expectations. There is beauty and good in the world, you just have to adjust your thinking and the way you look at things to find it. Stay here in the here and now. You can’t appreciate what is happening if you’re overlooking it for something in the future or stuck reliving the past. Mindfulness will help you make it to being aware of the good things here and now. If you have trouble with it, focus on your breathing for a few minutes. It will help ground you in the present. Let your thoughts and feelings pass. Clinging to them creates the stress of anticipating the future or dwelling in the past. The pain can tell you what you need to work on, but don’t let it dominate you. Acknowledge it, examine it, like a delicate flower, then do what you can about it, and finally, let it go like blowing a dandelion into the wind.

Accept. Don’t expect.

Learning not to hate myself

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Why is it so hard to love yourself? I know I was told all my life that there was nothing good or useful about me. It worked very well at making me doubt my worth in any sense of the word. Good job Mom, Dad, and family!

I have been fighting with this problem in particular for the past couple of weeks. I haven’t been taking good care of myself, and I feel it. Forget wise mind or mindfulness. I’ve been on a self-destruct pathway that is leading me straight to an inner hell. I feel so totally empty and unhappy with myself. I know that if I start taking better care of myself I’ll be happier and healthier. I need to use my wise mind and balance the feelings with the things I need to do. It is OK to feel unsure, or sad. For my best life, I need to let them pass and move on after acknowledging them. I need to use them to locate the cause(s) of my stress and negative behaviors. Once I’ve done that, I can be mindful and present in the moment. Addressing the issues and doing something about them to improve my life. For example, my boss has been really stressed about changes at work. I have allowed her feelings to become my feelings, even though I don’t need to do so. As a result, I’ve felt hopeless and powerless, which lead to poor choices in what and how much I have eaten and how active I’ve been. That caused me to gain back some of the weight I’ve lost. That made me feel like a failure and angry at myself. So, now that I’ve unraveled the feelings to their source, I can act upon them and improve things.

  1. Let go of the stress. It isn’t even mine.
  2. Plan for better eating. Shop for healthy food, not junk.
  3. Start walking, again.
  4. Keep journaling. The thoughts in my head need an outlet, or else they fester and make things worse.
  5. Reach out to friends. Know that they see me as a worthwhile person, worthy of good things.
  6. Stop letting the scale dictate my self worth.
  7. Focus on the good that I have done. Let go of the bad.

So, be mindful. Use wise mind and self soothing strategies. Move ahead and let go of the bad.

Why is it so hard to see the good?

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I know that I will be happier if I look for the good, be grateful, and stop expecting and judging. So, why is it so hard to do those things?

Because I’m human. People seem to automatically look for the worst possible things and judge each other instantaneously. We’re taught to do that from the cradle. It’s hard to unlearn those behaviors. Learning to be mindful and shift my mind set is hard. I’ve worked hard in therapy to learn skills to make it possible and not let my emotions rule me. Judging leads me to negative emotions. I need to learn to let go. To integrate the passing of thoughts and emotions like clouds in the sky into my brain. It is difficult to do. I often catch myself still expecting and judging, but I am getting better at noticing it and stopping to reframe my thoughts into a more positive format.

Accept; don’t expect. You’ll be far happier and feel better about the world. When you accept, you can see the beauty in everything and feel love and kindness for everyone. That is a goal worth striving for.