Self love

Frustration with slow progress

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I am trying not to let myself get down heartened. I want to lose weight faster, but that just isn’t healthy or sustainable. I know this in my mind, but don’t feel it in my heart. So, how can I remain focused and motivated and keep making progress?

First of all, I need to do some major journaling. Reflecting on the following things: 1) I am over a 100 pounds lighter than I was at this time a year ago; 2) my clothes that I wore last year are way too big now; 3) my body doesn’t hurt like it used to; 4) my doctor is very pleased with all of my progress; and 5) people are really starting to notice.

To do this, I will start by listing all of the good things that are happening now because of how far I have gone. The 5 major things above, and any other little thing I can brainstorm and dump onto the paper. I will note all the positive things I am doing now, like how I care enough to moisturize my skin, which I never did before losing this weight. There are bound to be at least a 100 things. Maybe I’ll list them in my next post.

Secondly, I will evaluate how hard/difficult it is to keep doing what I am doing. I’ll list all the pro’s and con’s for each thing. I will determine whether the pro’s or the con’s are stronger, and adjust my actions accordingly. Kind of making a quilt of strategies and reasons. I’ll probably color code it, because I love color and have to have at least a few hundred pens and markers in my stash. It will help me see what is going on in my life and how I have control over my actions, and earn the outcome.

Third, I will brain dump all the things I hope to do, no plan to do, once I have reached my goal. What would make me satisfied and content? What would make my soul joyous? What would improve my life? I think I’ll make a vision board to support this part of my journaling. I need to help my mind, body, and soul see the good things that will come of continuing my efforts.

’cause let’s face it. Losing weight is a lot of work. I’ve come so far. I’ve never lost this much weight before. I never want to get close to 400 lbs. again. I was miserable and hated life. Now, I actually like life. I want to be alive and do things. I spent most of my life not wanting to be alive. I’ve finally stopped that, quitting a bad habit or getting rid of the security blanket that keeps you wrapped up so tightly that you cannot move. I have to keep working to convince myself that I do need to keep doing things for myself and improve my life. I’m kind of like the old cliche of the butterfly from the cocoon. (I love butterflies, so why not?) I am free to live now, and I want to keep doing it. I’m going to clear my head and find the happiness in what I am doing, stop looking at it like it’s work or a chore. It is what makes me feel good.

The trials of being patient

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Know how it feels when you really want something, but you have to wait for it? It’s like you’re being teased by the universe. You know what it is. You know what you want. You even know what you have to do to get it. Yet, it’s just not getting to you fast enough.

Weight loss is a lot like that. You know what you need to do. Relearn how you eat. Relearn how you approach food. Learn to be active. Learn to pacify you inner child/demons/neuroses without food. And keep doing it. It is a lot of long, hard work to do to undo the harm you’ve done to yourself over the years.

Sometimes, it’s kind of like that cartoon where the woman ate a salad then weighs to see if she lost any weight, yet. You know you’re doing the right things. You know it’s hard to do the right things. It seems like it’s taking forever for you have progress toward your goal. It makes it difficult to keep working at weight loss. I don’t know about you, but I can easily gain 5-6 lbs in one day. Losing, not so much. I’ve averaged about 1 pound a week. Some weeks I manage more. Every now and then I go the wrong way. But, I am getting there.

Maybe it would be easier if I could actually see that I’m making progress. No one just comes up to me and says “Wow! You’ve lost a lot of weight!” No one except my WW coach gives me validation. I look in the mirror, and I don’t see any difference. I “know” I’m down 114 lbs. I don’t “feel” I’m down 114lbs. I guess I should, but I don’t. Even though I can list a lot of ways that show me I am succeeding at losing weight. I can sit in my car seat without my belly rubbing against the steering wheel, by several inches. My pants that I wore just a couple of months ago, now fall off of me. My underwear is even falling off of me! I can fit in the booth at a restaurant. So why don’t I see it?

It is true, I’m still wearing my clothes as large and loose as possible. I don’t feel safe in clothes that actually let someone see my body. When I look in the mirror, I still see a huge blob of fat. Every now and then, I’ll catch sight of myself in a mirror and not realize it is me at first. When I do that, I usually think “Wow! I don’t look so bad!”

I’m still not where I want to be. I need to keep losing weight. Another 100 lbs. or so. My doctor says she’d be cool with another 80. I just have to be patient with the process. It will work. It is working. I need to keep reminding myself that it is successful, and I will get there. I write it in my journal. I write it here. I meditate on it. I reflect on it. It WILL happen.

The losing battle with food

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Sigh. I have gone from plenty of points on WW to having to stretch them out. Every decade I’ve lost has meant losing a point from my daily allowance. At times, it seems so unfair. I’ve worked hard and come far, but I have to keep working even harder. Is it worth it?

I do feel better. I fit in public places now. I’ve gone from a size 32 to a 28, and those are starting to fall off of me. My husband says I’m even more beautiful (yes, he does wear glasses). I’m rewarding myself with nonfood items. But, I still love food. I’m learning not to use it to fill the empty space inside. I’m learning that if I slow down and pay attention, the food does actually taste good. I’m learning that no one is going to take my food away from me. I’m learning that I won’t run out of food if I don’t eat every bite I can stuff down my throat. There will be more food later, if I actually need it. I’m getting more and more active. I’ve gone from barely a 1,000 steps a day to nearly 5,000 steps a day. All positive things. So why am I bothered that I can’t eat as much as I used to?

Up until the last year, I stuffed myself with all the food I could get, no matter what it tasted like or whether or not it was good for me. I tried to fill the emptiness with the food. I tried to think I was in control and not a food addict. Trust me, the food was calliing all of the shots. So what changed?

I finally found a doctor who was willing to help me lose weight without forcing me to have surgery. I’m on Ozempic, which slows down my appetite; Vyvanse to help me stop the binges. It is worth the upset stomach to have help eating less. Of course, it only hurts when I try to eat too much, so it’s negative reinforcement of my eating behaviors.

These days, I try to eat like a skinny person. Not the one who eats tons and never gains an ounce. The one that doesn’t let food rule them. I have learned, it is true, the first few bites taste the best. If you eat slowly and pay attention to your food, you do get satisfied with a lot less. Taking time to prepare good, healthy food does make you appreciate the good food. If I don’t eat all of my meal, I either save it for lunch the next day or put it in the trash. I once heard at a WW meeting, it either goes to waste or the waist. You don’t have to be a member of the clean plate club. The starving children in the rest of the world won’t be any better off if you eat everything or don’t.

So, back to my original conundrum. Why does it bother me that I am getting 11 fewer points now than when I started? My weekly points have even gone down by 7. That bothers me, too. I know I don’t need to eat as much. There isn’t as much of me to feed. I actually find that I rarely want to stuff myself like I used to. I know I’ll feel better physically and mentally if I eat until I’m satisfied, not full.

What is going on in my head? I suspect that I am feeling rebelious, like a child. Maybe my inner child is the voice in my head throwing a fit about having fewer points. I need to find a way to handle the voice and continue on my journey. I write about it in my journal. I am trying to shift my point of view. Instead of viewing the new point number as a loss, I am trying to train myself to see it in my mind and feel it in my heart as an accomplishment. I’ve worked hard not to need so much food. I am getting there. I’ve lost 110 lbs. so far. That is something I can be proud of. I am succeeding. I am not losing. I am winning.

What do you do when your mojo has left you behind?

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We’ve all been there. The honeymoon phase of the diet is over. You’re struggling to keep yourself going. So, how do you get past this fork in the road and keep moving toward success?

I have been slowing down the past few weeks. Longing for “forbidden fruit.” I have given in a couple of times, and my progress has slowed down. I have been trouble remembering why it is more important to reach my goal than to treat myself in the short term. So what am I going to do about it?

First, I’m going to remind myself that I am a long way from where I started. I am down 86 lbs. That is not a small achievement. In fact, my doctor said it is extremely rare for someone to lose so much without surgery. I can log onto my WW account and see a graph of my progress. That is encouraging me to keep it up. I’ve come this far, I don’t want to stop now.

Second, I’m going to practice self love. I am making progress. I don’t have to be perfect. No one is perfect. I am doing the best I can with the tools I have. That is all I can ask of myself. It is all anyone can reasonably ask of me.

Third, I’m going to remember what my WW leader says. You have to be able to keep up the changes you make for the rest of your life. So, is it really going to be possible for me to never eat cake or a cheeseburger? Give up bread? Stop drinking fruit smoothies? No more chocolate? Nope. That would be the kind of life that would be long, but not satisfying. I deserve to be healthy, but I also deserve to be happy.

Lastly, I’m going to look at myself. There is room between my belly and the steering wheel now. I am wearing pants that I haven’t worn in 20 years. I’m feeling brave enough to buy lingerie for the first time in 30 years. I am sleeping better. I am moving more, and it doesn’t hurt! I am enjoying life for the first time in as long as I can remember.

So, do I have my motivation back? Yes, I do. I will be mindful and see the beauty and happiness in my life. I will know I am worth the extra time I spend walking and working out and taking care of my body. I will accept that I love cheeseburgers, bread, cake, and chocolate, and that life would be much sadder without them. Can I keep losing weight and still enjoy things that make me happy? Yes, I can.

I’ll keep walking more and more every day. I’ll keep getting the dumbbells out and strengthening my body. I’ll keep moisturizing my skin. I’ll keep eating smaller portions than I used to. I’ll pay attention to my progress and how good I am feeling. I will keep going!

Oh no, the binge monster won a round.

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I lost to the binge monster earlier this week. I have been trying not to give in to the might-as-wells and the you-suck-you-losers every since. I am having to consciously stop and remind myself, I am human. I don’t have to be perfect to succeed. I can start, again. And one mistake doesn’t ruin all the work I have done. Being mindful, accepting, and nonjudgemental of myself is hard. I still hear my parents telling me how fat and disgusting I was/am. Sometimes it is hard to quiet those voices.

I have to write my feelings out and respond to them as I would respond to someone else that I value. Putting it in writing takes it out of my head and allows me to reflect and analyze my thoughts and impulses. It stops my self destruction.

But, why did I lose in the first place? I think it was a combination of things. Missing my mom (first Mother’s Day after her death), feeling like a fraud (praised by my new doctor for losing so much weight), and being at home alone for a week (between semesters at work). My mind can be quite the toxic swamp. I have thought about those things.

Missing mom — I don’t really remember getting support or validation from her. She taught me that I was inferior in every way. I guess when you’re used to being put down, it feels more comfortable and safer than having someone place real expectations on you. I have to remind my hurt inner child (Lorie Ann) that it is OK. It is OK to love and care for myself. I can succeed. I will succeed.

Feeling like a fraud — one of those self-fulfilling prophecies. My new doctor complimented me. She said that it was very rare for someone to lose so much weight (70 lbs) without surgery. I know I’ve worked hard to achieve this goal. I know I can get to my ultimate goal if I just keep going. I’m always afraid that people will find out that I’m not as good at things as they think I am. I find it hard to accept that I can do anything right or well. I have to consciously tell Lorie Ann that we are good at doing things and we are not frauds.

Being alone– With no one to distract me, I get lost in the swamp of my negative thoughts. I didn’t spend time reading or even watching TV. I just sat there and marinated in my quagmire. I know better than that. I’ve had way too much therapy not to realize that it is the worst thing I can possibly do to myself. I need to reach out to others. Write letters to my pen pals. Check out friends on Facebook. Text or call someone I can depend on. Accept that I need help from others to see the positives, and ask for it, take it, and move on.

So, even WW was about getting more results being gentle, kind, and compassionate with yourself than beating up/belittling yourself. It is true. More flies with honey after all. So how to do it. Well, build mastery and focus on what you do well. Strengthen your problem spots by work and patient effort. Remind yourself, you are a wonderful creation and it doesn’t matter if others are too blind to see your worth. Don’t let them define you. You are your own person. It is up to you to decide what you are and what you are worth.

Stuffing your feelings

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Emotional eating. The bane of my dieting existence. Why do I do it? To avoid my feelings? To have an illusion of control? Both of them?

This month Weight Watchers is talking about eating (when/where/what/why). Emotional eating definitely has been discussed. It helps to hear others’ ways of dealing with the problems and urges. Get busy doing a craft. Go for a walk. Talk to a friend. Journal. Most of them are strategies that distract you from the urge. I find that doesn’t work for me. I have to take the urge by the horns, break it down, and deal with it. If you can distract yourself until it passes, great! I just can’t when I’m really in the throes of a binge.

We all eat based on emotions to some extent. Some of us handle it well. Being in the mood for nachos and eating 3 or 4 chips and being satisfied. Then there are people like me, who eat the whole platter intended to serve 4 and want more. I am applying the lesson I learned early in life. Food makes you feel better. It keeps you from being sad or lonely. It gives you the feeling that you are in control of something in your life. All are misleading. The feelings are still there. You are just as powerless to control things when you’re eating. In fact, you are even more out of control, thanks to the power of food.

I’ve been struggling the past few days. It was a year ago that my mother fell, broke her hip and went into rehab. She never came out. I spent May watching her slow, painful death. I think it was her MS ultimately. At the end, she couldn’t see, speak, eat, or anything. I still feel like I should have been able to do more. So of course, I’ve been eating things left and right. Anything that isn’t tied down looks appetizing. I’m trying to stop feeling bad and start feeling like I do have some power to exert control over the world. It isn’t working. 😦

I needed to stop and think. Reflect. Be mindful. I sat down with my journal, and listed all the things that I think are making me feel bad and powerless. Once I had that list, for each item I wrote the facts of the situation. Next, I wrote my feelings and irrational thoughts for each thing. Then, I wrote what I could actually do and how to do it for each thing. Finally, I made a plan of action, acknowledged my feelings and accepted that I cannot control everything or fix everything for my loved ones.

And you know what? I actually stopped eating everything in sight. I know I’m not the one in total control, but I noted my abilities to affect change or improvement. I told myself it’s OK to be grieving my mom. It’s OK to want to help everyone. It’s also OK to do what I can and then let the rest go. It isn’t easy. It took lots of work for me to reach this point. Meditation. Reflection. Journaling. Therapy. Hard work. I have earned my peace of mind and I have learned how to develop it for myself. You see, you can’t rely on someone else to soothe the pain or lessen the fear. You have to do it for yourself.

Once you’ve taken care of your thoughts, letting them go like clouds scuttling across the sky, you find contentment and inner joy in life. The need to eat everything dissipates. You can use your lifestyle tools to eat sensibly and feel satisfied. You can go on with life and love yourself.

How do you get there?

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Last week, WW was all about goal setting. Reasonable v. unreasonable. Outcome v. actions. Very good points. My ultimate goal is to lose 200 pounds. That seems insurrmountable if I look at it as 1 giant chunk. I need to break it down into manageable bites, or I’ll become overwhelmed and give up.

Of course the first step is to decide on where you want to go. Do some soul searching. Think about where you are. Accept yourself as you are. Evaluate the facts and possible outcomes. Then, determine the goal. As I said, mine is to lose 200 pounds.

Why do you need to accept yourself? If you approach the goal from a place of self-love and acceptance, you are being positive. Not punishing yourself or hating yourself. Neither of those is maintainable over the long haul, and let’s face it, reaching a major goal is a marathon not a sprint. If you can see it as doing good for yourself, and accept that you are human. You will have slips and points where you take a side journey off the path. It will be easier to find the path again, if you accept yourself and love yourself. That doesn’t mean that you can’t want to change, it just means that you know yourself and where you are and where you want to go.

Once you identify the objective, it is necessary to determine how you will get there. First, break it down into achievable pieces. I’m aiming at 5 pounds a month. I know it will take a long time, but it will also mean that the new habits and lifestyle will have time to become my new normal and comfortable to continue with through out my life.

So, we have the stops along the way, now, how do we get to them? You have to decide on the actions you are going to take. Just setting the outcome won’t get you there. You have to make the progress. Your goals are more meaningful if they are things you will do at a certain time in a certain way. I know I have to handle several angles if I am going to get to my destination. First, I am working on my mental health and self-love/compassion through journaling and therapy. I journal daily and do therapy as needed. Second, I need to change my lifestyle. I am adding vegetables and fruit and whole grains and lean protein. I drink 64 oz of water a day. I track what I eat with WW. Third, I am increasing my activity. I am working on walking more every day, at least 3000 steps (I was averaging 1000) a day. I am using workout videos on WW and YouTube and my large DVD collection. The goal is 3 work outs a week. So, I have concrete, measureable goals.

Using my steps to get to my destination, I can see success and feel that I am making progress, even if the scale doesn’t do what I want. As my WW leader says, the scale is not the most reliable indicator of success. How you feel and what you can do are the best ways to know if you’ve reached your ultimate goal. As a side effect, you’ll reach the weight goal too.

What to do when the binge monster strikes

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I know you’ve all felt it. The overwhelming urgent need to eat a ton of food in a very short period of time. Cheeseburgers and cake are my 2 main go to’s. I remember in high school, I would eat an entire quarter sheet cake and all of the sugary icing in 10 minutes. I was obviously trying to comfort and reassure myself, but at the time all I could think was that I was in control while I bought and ate the cake. Now, I know that is not the case. I am a food addict. It’s really hard to stop. After all, you can’t go cold turkey. You have to eat to live.

I’ve spent years in therapy and at Weight Watchers (WW). Slowly learning how to take care of myself and stop self harming by shoveling food into my body like it was a trash heap. No one deserves to be treated like that by anyone. I know that now. Sometimes I even feel it. That’s the hard part. Reconciling the feelings, habits, and knowledge into agreement.

I spend a lot of time writing out my feelings. Getting them out of my head. Often it goes like this, I list all the things that are bothering me in a numbered list. Then, I expand the list by listing all the details and facts about each item. Next, I write down a list of things I can do for each thing. Finally, I plan what to do to address the problem. It gets all of the chaos out of my mind. It helps me see the difference between my facts and feelings. It helps me feel in control.

Now, I’m applying this to my weight. When I feel a binge coming on, I try to stop to analyze why I’m feeling the urge. This helps in 2 ways. The first is that it simply takes time that sometimes allows to urge to pass. Second, it helps me let the feelings pass and focus on what is really happening. For example, I was craving a McDonald’s binge a week ago. I normally would order 5 cheeseburgers, a quarter pounder, a McChicken or 2, and fries and sundaes. In the past, I would have devoured it without even tasting it or pausing to think if I were hungry. Last week, I stopped and wrote instead. I listed my problems (money, weight, loneliness, worries about work). Then, I wrote down the facts for each category. I made a tree diagram and color coded it so I could really see what was happening. After that, I wrote what would be all the options, positive and negative (spend the money and gorge, save the money and eat a sandwich, save the money and not eat, etc.). After a few minutes, I decided the best course of action was to not order McDondalds. Instead, I had a salad with grilled chicken breast made from things in my refrigerator. A win/win. I ate healthy, instead of carrying out my unhealthy relationship with food. I saved money, which lowered my worries about paying bills.

Granted, it is hard to always stop yourself and journal instead of eat. I still slip up. But, I am getting stronger and better at taking good care of myself. Showing myself some good love.

I’ve lost 10 pounds in the last 2 weeks. Yippy! It is an effort, but I think it is worth it.

How did I end up like this?

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I am morbidly obese. There, I said it. Yes, I feel gross and disgusting because of it. I try to practice self love and compassion, but my parents’ voices telling me how disgusting and ugly I am keep shouting to be heard. So, how did I end up like this?

As a child, my grandmother was a major food pusher. I remember my dad telling my mom not to let me eat because I was too fat. I remember being told at 5 years old that I was fat and disgusting. I learned to equate food with safety and comfort. So naturally, as good as my mom was about hiding food, I learned to be good at finding it and sneaking and eating more. I wasn’t thin, but when I look back on pictures, I wasn’t fat. I remember Mom telling me I couldn’t play in my room because I was so fat I’d fall through the floor. I remember her scolding me because I was 14 and wore a size 16. Over the years, I packed on the pounds.

The only time Dad paid attention to me was when he was fussing at me about my weight. I also thought if I gained enough weight my grandfather would stop touching me and trying to have sex with me. Mom told me that was all my own fault, by the way. So, food was comfort and safety. When I snuck and ate, I felt safe and protected. I’ve kept that up, except for 1 time in my life when I actually lost a lot of weight. Of course, it all came back with reinforcements.

I’m finally doing something to take proper care of myself. I’ve joined WW. I’m in therapy. I’ve done DBT and CBT. I asked my doctor for medical help. I am going to get there. My goal for 2022 is to lose 100 pounds. I’ll still be obese, but I’ll be better off than I am now. I have tools now. I am going to use them. I am going to write about it here to increase my accountability and focus on the goal. I hope it helps me and anyone else who needs the help and support. I’ve got this.

Is it fall yet?

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I’ve been eagerly awaiting the start of fall. Cooler weather, pretty leaves, pumpkin spice everywhere, sweaters, football, Halloween. It is an exercise in accept, don’t expect. I can’t control the weather. I have to be patient and wait for the weather to do it’s own thing. I have to accept it. Judging the weather only leads to unhappiness and displeasure, so it is better not to allow myself to fall into that trap.

Why do I like fall? It’s usually a peaceful time of year for me. No crisis in the family. No work hassles, especially since I quit teaching high school. The garden is slowly going to sleep, after a last hurrah of bitter oranges and dusty purple ageratum. My fall camellia is blooming, white with pink edges on the flowers. Debating whether or not to buy a pumpkin to carve. Is it worth the money and the mess? Decisions, decisions.

My favorite holiday is Halloween. No family obligations to lead to pain and misery. Celebrating monsters that never frightened me. Even as a small child I rooted for Dracula and Godzilla. I knew they were safer than people. People hurt me, especially those I was supposed to be able to trust with my life. Monsters did their thing because it was their nature, not to hurt others. At least, that is how my young brain saw it. I still love good horror movies (not the gore galore slash fests, I like a plot). I like to watch the old black and white movies from the glory days of Hollywood and the old Hammer films. I have a collection of them that I watch year round, as an escape from the stress and fear of normal life.

I am working on myself every day. Learning not to let the mean people own my mind. Learning not to judge. Not to expect. Those things cause pain and suffering. Let it go. Find your own love and peace. It is true, only you can truly make yourself happy. Not others. Not things. Find your pleasure and serenity in the world within your mind. You will be better off for it. Think of the monsters doing what comes natural. They aren’t pulled down by angst and second guessing themselves. They live and find their own contentment.