self care

Managing Emotional Tiredness: Tips for a Dull Day at Work

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Well, I’m having one of those days where I just seem to be stuck in the mud. Can’t get anywhere. I’ve already done everything I am supposed to do today at work. I have 4 more hours. It feels like the mud is drying. And this is about as exciting as watching mud dry.

I know that according to DBT, I should be mindful and pay attention to the little things that are actually happening at this moment in this place. Participate in what is happening. The problem with those is that no one is doing anything except sitting there gazing into their computers (I work in a tutoring center in a library). I did try writing letters to my pen pals. I got all but 1 finished. I’m too tired emotionally to write another good letter, so I’m letting that wait. I can’t exactly get out a deck of cards and play some poker with the tutors. Not very professional. So, any ideas? The firewall on the school’s network is such that you can’t go to any “fun” sites. So no computer games. I could nosh on some popcorn. That could provide some diversion, but I have to be careful not to eat too much. Trying to lose weight. So, I’ve decided to write. To get my mind unstuck and get the flotsam out of it.

So, participate. I’ll write this entry. I’ll have my popcorn. Then, if nothing else has come up, I’ll take a nap under the desk, just kidding. With my luck I’d get caught.

I’m trying not to get stuck within my head. It’s not a good place for me to go. I start beating myself up like Godzilla unleashing on Tokyo. I know I don’t deserve to be treated badly, not even by my own mind, but I do it any way. I was taught to see myself as less than human. Ugly. Stupid. Disgusting. Useless. A waste of space. My parents did a very good job of that, and no one at school really helped undo it. They all thought I was weird. Now, people tell me I am intimidating, so I don’t get a lot of positive feedback these days, either.

Why am I intimidating? I guess because I don’t let people get close until I know they are safe. I don’t want to be hurt any more, so I keep them at a distance until I decide if they can be trusted. I guess I also expect others to do their jobs and do them well, so that intimidates them, too. I have high standards, and not everyone meets them. Don’t get me wrong. I deliberately try not to judge anyone else. I know how much that hurts.

OK. This afternoon: popcorn, letter writing, thinking about myself in positive terms, and no beating myself up. I think that will be a full afternoon.

Has it really been this long?

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I haven’t been taking care of myself for the past few months. I’ve neglected my health, my hobbies, my mind. I was working extra to make up for the fact that my boss left for greener pastures. I was trying to do everything for everyone else. I let all those people talk me into trying to get the promotion to my boss’s position. I didn’t listen to myself. I didn’t take care of myself.

I’ve been sleeping very poorly. Terrible nightmares about being powerless and unable to effect or change anything. Not being able to turn on lights in a room. Not being able to walk. Not being able to talk or answer others. That’s when I did sleep. I’d wake up feeling like I hadn’t slept at all. Other nights, I just laid there awake while my mind ran sprints. Did I get everthing done? Was everyone happy with my performance? What would people think if I didn’t apply for the job, followed by what would people think if I didn’t get the job? Then once a week, usually Saturday, I’d crash and sleep for 12 or more hours. I’d still feel like I couldn’t get enough rest.

I’d been binge eating, again. I gained 20 pounds. I just couldn’t seem to stop myself. Even though it would hurt after I ate so much. In fact, it’s been hurting whenever I eat. No matter what I eat or how much or how little. Frequent visits to the bathroom to empty my stomach. None of that helping me feel better.

I am behind on my crafting for Christmas gifts. Mostly because when I came home from work, all I did was take a shower, eat supper, then go to bed. I was totally worn out from work. Too many people to deal with. My introverted soul just couldn’t take all the people I was dealing with. It exhausted me emotionally and mentally.

This past weekend, I realized what I was doing to myself. I realized my body was telling me that I didn’t want the promotion. I was trying to make everyone else happy and not thinking about me. So, what did I do?

I began getting up and walking, for the first time since December. I’ve begun planning my meals and not eating everything in sight. I went to bed early and slept without nightmares. It was like I finally listened to myself. And when I did, I began to feel better.

I didn’t get the promotion. And I’m actually glad that I didn’t. I’d be lying if I said that I’m not worried about the reactions of all the people who pushed me to apply for the promotion. I am. I fear they will see me as incompetent and defective. However, I’ve been returning to my DBT work. I’m journaling, again. Writing my emotions instead of eating them. I hadn’t written in my journal since December. That is not like me. I was trying to be what everyone else wanted, not myself. I didn’t even comprehend what I was doing to myself. I ignored all the warnings of my nightmares and exhaustion.

I sat down Sunday, and did some serious writing. I worked on getting back into wise mind. Balancing my logic and emotions. If feels so much better to be back in balance. Walking in the mornings and eating less is making my body feel so much better.

It is spring. Normally, I would have been out in my garden. Weeding, planting, preparing. I didn’t do those things until last weekend. I feel like the flowers on my hellebores. My head was down. Now, I’m blooming again. I’m facing the sun. Taking care of myself. I’ve realized that I am being reborn like the plants in my garden. My leaves are stretching out into the spring sun. Bathing in the spring rain. I’m nurturing myself as I nurture my garden. I am expressing my own beauty and growth. I am not a violet trying to be a rose, now. I am just my quiet little violet self. I am pretty. I am lovely. I am worthy of appreciation, just the way I am.

Why do I do it to myself?

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I find that like a lot of others, I self sabotage. I know I’m doing it, even as I do it. I know it will make me feel even more miserable and unhappy than I do to start. Why do I keep doing it? Could it be old habits die hard? Could it be better the devil you know? Could it be laziness? Could it be old behavior that was helpful at one point but isn’t any more? All of the above? How do you know? And how do you improve your performance?

So. The cause. Once upon a time, when my family used food for a reward and a means to control my behavior, eating a lot whenever I got the opportunity or to make myself feel loved, made sense in a twisted kind of way. I was young. I thought food equaled love, power, and security. That happens when your parents will hide food and limit your food intake because you’re too fat at the age of 5. Newsflash, I’ve seen pictures of myself. I wasn’t fat. I didn’t become fat until my teenage years. So, their major control over my food and the way my parents and grandparents used it as a reward, gave me serious food issues. In my mind, the more food you got the better you were. So, I learned to binge whenever the opportunity presented itself. That habit has remained in my personality until today. I learned the lesson very well.

I also put on weight as a defense mechanism. I thought if I were fat enough, my grandfather would stop touching me in ways that he shouldn’t. He didn’t stop, but I kept trying to distance myself from him with food.

Between those 2 things, I did gain a lot of weight. I made it up to 400 lbs. The use of food for comfort, reward, and defense is hard wired into my brain. So, why didn’t I change it when I realized it was not a good thing to do? I think it was a combination of laziness, comfort, and stubborness. It was easier to keep doing what I had always done. I knew that being fat meant not being respected or expected to be very much as a person. Lower expectations are considerably easier to meet. Fear of failure kept me from trying to do better. It was easier to be a no body.

I was slowly trying to kill myself with food. I didn’t understand that until I finally found a therapist who actually saw me as a person, not a fat person. I finally learned to use my DBT skills. I am teaching myself CBT skills. I get up early to walk to feel better. Journal to get the thoughts out of my head so that I can see, accept, and let go of my thoughts and feelings. Check my planner to help me cope ahead with whatever is coming in the day ahead. Check in with my DBT diary to remind myself to keep using the skills I learned. Take my medicine. Get myself together.

I have finally stopped trying to kill myself with food. I do still binge, but now a binge is 3 donuts or 2 snack cakes. It used to be an entire quarter sheet cake and 5 cheeseburgers and a couple large fries and a large coke. I actually like life now. I’m like the butterfly spreading my wings. I spent most of my life as a caterpillar: eating huge amounts of food, hiding from predators. Learning the new skills and approach to life were pupating.

I’m getting myself to a better place every day. I work to be fitter. I am getting smaller. I rejoined WW. I apply my DBT skills. I use mindfulness and acceptance to make it through every day. I cope ahead to handle food stress and problems I know are coming. I accept that I cannot control everything, so I must learn to let it all go. Let my feelings pass and know they are not facts, they are impressions. Eat to be healthy, not to comfort or control. My wings are enjoying the feeling of the sun. I’m not hiding under a leaf any more.

Leaving the past behind and living in the present

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I’ve been letting the past rule me, lately. I have let it suck me into a deep pit. I still have feelings of guilt over my mother’s death, 2 years ago this month. I’ve been letting old bad habits creep back in. Stopped trying to take care of myself. Let all my mother’s criticisms and damning words run through my head like a raging torrent. I let myself fall into believing that I am unworthy, undeserving, and unlovable. I’m tired of that, even if there is comfort in the old demons and pain.

I can’t go back and do it all over. I can’t change what Mom said to/about me for all those years. I am not stupid. I am not incompetent. I am not ugly with greasy, oily hair and skin. My hair isn’t too thick. My skin isn’t ugly because I can tan. I am not the bottom of the trash heap.

It is scary to let go of the familiar. Move into new, uncharted territory. Find my own narrative. My own voice. The fear and the old hopeless laziness are hard to overcome, but I am determined to do just that.

I know I’ll feel better. Be healed of my psychic wounds. Be physically healthier. Be complete. And worthy. Once I move into the present and let go of the old ghosts in my mind. So, how and what do I do?

I am going to focus on taking care of myself every day. Telling myself I am worthy. I am intelligent. I am creative. I am not disgusting and ugly. I do have strengths and abilities. I am unique and that makes me a worthwhile human being. Using my DBT skills.

I am going to find my strength. My grandfather had me convinced that I was weak and I had to let him touch me and do things that made me feel gross. My mom told me it was my duty to make him happy and my own fault that he did those things to me.

I am going to start moisturizing my face an body. Mom had me convinced I was too oily to need to do that.

I am going to eat healthy. More protein and fiber. Drink more water. Actually pay attention to what I eat and how it affects my body. Mom always said I didn’t deserve or need to eat because I was disgustingly fat.

I am going to become active. I am walking and working out every day. My parents made that something I didn’t like by punishing me if I didn’t run laps or haul enough wood or exercise enough to make them happy.

I am going to make beautiful things. I’ll cross stitch. Crochet. Make books. Bake. Garden. Write. Mom and Dad always made me believe that nothing I did was good enough, and everyone else was better at everything than me.

I am going to allow myself to have feelings and experience them, while letting them pass, knowing I am not my feelings. Mom always told me I was a weak cry baby and didn’t deserve to be happy or calm.

Doing all these things will help me rejuvenate my weight loss by helping my mind get to the right place. I’ve been maintaining my 140 lbs. lost. It’s been for months now. I want to lose another 60-70 lbs. I’m doing a new program called CoreLife Medical. I’m using the tools at my disposal. The nurse practitioner. The nutritionist (first time I’ve ever worked with one). A behavioral therapist. A personal trainer. I’m also using the LoseIt! app to track food and nutrients, as they recommended. My FitBit is synced with the app, so I’m tracking my activity and sleeping, too.

I have learned a lot in my 54 years. Sadly, it was only 4 years ago that I actually began to see myself as a worth while endeavor. I climbed out of the darkness, but not quite into the light. I found that the twilight of being alive instead of the darkness of existing was a good place to be. Now, I’m starting to look out into the morning sun. I realized I wasn’t happy to be alive for the first 50 years of my life. In past 2 years, I have finally started to be happy to be alive.

I will always have the scars in my mind from my abusive childhood. They won’t go away, but they will have less and less of an effect on me. I let Mom’s shadow get to me the past month or so. Time to turn on the light and fly free. I was a caterpillar for a long time. Now, I’m coming out of the shell and learning to fly. Look out world! Here comes the new butterfly!

I’ve climbed back onto the planet of the living

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I’ve been missing for a while. I don’t know if anyone missed me, but I know I was hiding in my tiny corner of the world. I’ve been fighting my inner demons a lot lately. They’ve been eating me alive. I’m finally pulling myself out of their claws.

I’ve been doing a lot of all or nothing thinking lately. I’ve been categorizing everything I do as either 100% good or 100% bad. No existing in between. My eating habits in particular have been all or nothing, and not very healthy. When I’m good, I don’t eat anything. Eating anything is bad. It doesn’t matter if its a 100 calorie salad, it’s still bad to eat it. I’m very unhappy with myself for maintaining my 140 lb. loss, and not losing more. So, the moping about and blaming and intolerance. I’ve got to fix this in my head. So, after looking back through my DBT workbooks, I’ve come to a conclusion. I have to change the way I am thinking about my state.

Instead of being disgusted with myself for not losing more, I should be proud that I’ve maintained this loss for over 6 months. That’s a long time for me NOT TO GAIN! I should be ecstatic! Instead, I’ve been looking at it as a failure. I think that every time I eat I shouldn’t be eating. I stopped working out and walking. I felt like it was pointless because I was eating and still as big as a giant whale. Enough of the self-loathing. Enough of the self-hate. All that was doing was making things worse. No hope. No worthiness. No chance for success. So, I’m shifting the POV.

Never before have I lost so much weight. Never before have I maintained without gaining back the lost weight and then some. It’s been years since I could wear clothes this size. I actually fit in public places (restaurant booths, narrow hallways, and such). I can’t even lift the amount of weight that I’ve lost. I’ve got a lot to be proud of. I am worthy of respect and acceptance.

To help cement this in my mind, I’m back to doing a daily DBT diary card to make sure I keep using my skills. I’ve done a pros and cons of my current behavior, and compared it to one of my previous behaviors (while losing). I’m struggling to stay in Wise Mind. I’m using cheerleading statements. Affirmations. Before and after photos. Lots of reflective writing. When I stopped using my skills, the demons crept out of their crypt, and dragged me back in with them.

I was sleeping way too much. Binge eating, again. Telling myself how stupid/fat/ugly/disgusting/useless/worthless I was. Actually, in reflection, I’m amazed that I didn’t gain all the weight back. When I think about it, I have changed my habits enough that they carried me through the crypt and kept me from going entirely into the dark.

My binges are no where near what they once were. When I ate in the past, it was like I was afraid someone was going to take the food away from me. I ate everything I could get my hands on, no matter how it tasted. I’d sneak and eat away from prying eyes. I eat until it hurt and keep on going. Now, I actually stopped when I realized the food didn’t taste good or wasn’t satisfying me. It was healthier food (whole grain bread instead of a whole quarter sheet cake). I didn’t hide that fact that I was eating. Well, what do you know? I wasn’t doing as badly as I tried to tell myself I was!

I am going to go back to taking care of myself. Buying healthy foods, not junk. drinking more water. Walking every morning. Working out 2-3 times a week. Journaling every morning. Using my DBT skills every day. Self-soothing with a bubble bath or candle watching or coloring or reading. Practice my mindfulness and meditation practice. I’m starting a new weight loss program, too. CoreLife Med. I’m hoping it will combine with all my efforts to help me lose another 60-80 lbs. I took a year to lose the 140 lbs., it’s just not realistic to think I’ll get the rest off with no effort. Kind of silly of me, wasn’t it? I know better. I just let all my demons take charge. They are sneaky things. I let my guard down for a few days, and they came and took charge.

I’ve got this. I have the tools. I have the knowledge. I will do this.

The infamous last dinner of dieting

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Everyone who has ever planned to lose weight, knows about the last dinner. That last meal where you let yourself eat what you really want in preparation for denying and depriving yourself so that you will lose weight. Isn’t that kind of setting yourself up to fail?

If you’re looking at food as rewarding = not healthy and good food = not what you want, aren’t you telling yourself that you don’t deserve to be happy and healthy? That is not a good way to live your life. Everyone deserves to be happy and healthy. You are a human being. You are worthy and valuable to the world. So stop punishing yourself to be “better.”

Needing to lose weight does not mean you are weak, less than anyone else, or deserve punishment. It means that you’ve got some unhealthy habits or problems that need to be improved and unlearned. None of us set out to be fat. We were just trying to comfort or reward ourselves in a world that didn’t meet our needs or care about us. So, we picked up using food to self-medicate. After all, food doesn’t tell you you are ugly, useless, less than, or unworthy. Food provides comfort and enjoyment. Sadly, when that is our only source of comfort and filling the emptiness inside our souls, it creates more problems, making it necessary to use food and even more of a drug. Creating more problems. Increasing the urge to eat. And so on. The classic viscious cycle.

Until, you decide it is time to lose weight. Become a “better” person.

Enter the last dinner. You promise yourself that you will enjoy this last meal, and it will get you through the denial you plan to practice to lose weight. You get all you favorites. Cheeseburgers. Fries. Chocolate cake. Cookies. Ice cream. Pasta loaded with cheese. Grilled cheese. Whatever gets your appetite going. Lots of each thing, too, of course. Eating until you are painfully full because you expect to never eat the “good stuff” again, because you are going to lose weight. Has it ever worked for you?

It doesn’t work out that way for anyone I’ve ever known. You set yourself up to fail when you approach your eating habits like that. You’re telling yourself A) what you like/love is off limits, B) there is “good” food and “bad” food, and C) you must be punished to redeem yourself. None of those things is healthy for you.

To really get healthy, you have to change habits and mind sets. You can’t view the changes as punishments, or you’ll resent them and sabotage yourself. You can’t think of it as punishing yourself, or you’ll rebel and comfort yourself the same way you always have. You need to know that all food can be good, it’s the amounts that make anything bad for you.

You must eat food that you actually like, for changes to stick. Maybe that means eating mindfully. No more mindless noshing in front of the TV or social media. Actually looking at your food, smelling it, tasting it. Slowing down. Those changes will help you enjoy what you eat and not need so much of it to be content. Perhaps, you’ll need to learn to prepare your favorites yourself and in a healthier way.

You also need to learn new ways to comfort yourself and deal with stress. Food hasn’t worked for you, yet, and it probably never will. I highly recommend therapy and DBT to learn to deal with stressors. You’ll get tools and strategies to use. Behavioral chain analysis, where you break down the behavior you want to change and develop ways to change it. Self soothing that doesn’t involve food (coloring, crafting, reading, listening to music, journaling, taking a bath, taking a walk, etc.). Mindfulness and letting emotions and thoughts pass, instead of being trapped in them. Acceptance of life as it is, reducing the stress from thinking life is supposed to be a particular way. You can do it.

So, no more last dinners. Make every meal a pleasure and you’ll be happier and healthier.

What to do when you’re sinking fast.

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I’m tired of this plateau. I seem to keep running just to stay still. I haven’t changed my eating habits. I’m being more active. I’m drinking more water. So why am I not losing anything except my peace of mind?

I’ve always been an emotional eating. Trying to fill the emptiness with calories. I’m not doing that this time around. I guess I should see that as a victory. In the old days, I would have eaten 4 or 5 cheeseburgers, a large fry, and a cake in one sitting. I don’t do that any more, and even though it was my go to strategy for years, I’m not feeling to urge to do it now. Progress, right?

I need to find a new way to comfort myself and reassure myself. I just want to hide in my little corner and pretend that there are no people out there. I want to be left alone in the dark. I don’t want to eat. So what can I do to put myself in a better place?

Talk to someone? I don’t want to pull anyone else into my bog. I’m not in therapy any more (I “graduated”). Discussion boards with strangers are not an attractive option. I guess I’ll settle for writing a nice, long letter to myself. Use cheerleading statements. List my concerns. Determine what I can and can’t control. Use radical acceptance. Maybe some behavioral chain analysis worksheets while I’m at it. Do some goal planning. A vision board. Try to use the words to rise from the ashes.

I need to look to the light. I haven’t gained any weight. I am fairly healthy. I have a home and a husband. I have friends. Things could be a lot worse. Note to self: That line really doesn’t ever work when you’re down in the bog. All I see at this point is the dark.

I am at least aware of my thoughts, feelings, and motivations this time. I need to be strong and use my DBT skills and do something. Actions change feelings. Thoughts do not change how you feel. If I give up, I know I’ll end up pulling the bog in behind me and not coming out. I have to fight for me. I deserve to feel worthy and useful. It’s time to do some serious work.

So what is real food anyway? And why does it matter?

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Any dieter can tell you that there is real food and there is diet food, and never the twain shall meet. The message fat people have been given is that they don’t deserve good, tasty, real food; and the only way to become a thin (read better) person is to eat only diet food.

What, you may ask, is the difference? Well, let’s start by defining diet food. This food usually contains substitutes for sugar and fats. Often drier and powdery. Often high protein and fiber, and low in flavor. And also usually highly processed and fake. Examples would include the ever popular rice cakes, celery, sugar and fat free hot cocoa, diet sodas. There are many, many more. Anyone who’s ever tried to lose weight knows the list by heart. Frequent words of wisdom to dieters are “if it tastes good, spit it out.”

Real food is natural. Contains all of its parts. Tastes good. Usually higher in calories and satisfaction. It can be very healthy (leafy greens) or it can be rather bad for you (birthday cake).

So, if all it takes is switching to diet food, why isn’t everyone a size 0? Well, lets begin with satisfaction. Real food pleases the palate. It fuels and feeds your body and soul. There is a great variety and abundance. Diet food, not so much. In the past, when I believed in the diet food mantra, I would find myself unsatisfied. Yearning for a specific flavor and/or texture. So, in an attempt to satisfy that need, I’d eat a ton of diet food, which never did take care of the craving. I’d often end up eating far more than if I’d just gone ahead and eaten the real food. So naturally, I never lost weight. I thought about this problem a lot this time around with WW.

I had a eureka moment. I was consuming far too much calorie-wise, even though I was only eating diet foods. Why couldn’t I stop binge eating the diet foods? Surely the solution was to find a way to no longer need to binge or crave or punish myself. So, I went through therapy (a good therapist is a MUST). I read some books on ways to lose weight. I looked up how others had lost weight on the internet. And I came to this conclusion. Every person deserves real food. No one should use food as a punishment, withholding good food because they are fat and unworthy of good food. Next, I began letting myself actually eat the real food. I’d been brain washed into thinking I could only eat diet food because I was fat. But, when I allowed myself to eat real food, I found I didn’t need to eat so much. I was satisfied with a lot fewer calories. And I lost weight (141 lbs. to date)!

It is so sad. People trying to lose weight have been taught that they must punish themselves to be a better, smaller person. It doesn’t work. That’s why people can’t lose all the weight they would like to lose, and then they gain it back with reinforcements. Don’t do that to yourself. Be mindful. Reflect on what a great, wonderful, beautiful being you are. Know that you deserve good things, including delicious food.

Mindful eating means taking your time. Making your meal an event. Enjoying what you eat. Giving your body a chance to let you know when you’ve had enough. Put your fork down between bites. Sip a little water as you eat. Don’t tell yourself you have to be in the clean plate club. It is OK not to eat all of the food on your plate. If you don’t have enough, and you’re still hungry, you can get some more. Write in your journal about how the food tastes and makes you feel. Think about it; don’t blindly shovel it in trying to fill up your emptiness inside. Take the power away from the food, and give it to yourself. Diet food hurts you in the long run (artificial ingredients, continuing weight gain, feeling miserable). Liberate yourself from the diet food. You’ll feel better and be healthier.

Is it really worth it?

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Everyone reaches a point, where they have to make the decision. Is what I’m gaining worth what I’ve given up? How do you make the choice? How do you adjust? How do you make life better?

I am reminded of my WW leader, who tells us often, that what we eat today to lose weight, we have to be able to maintain every day to be successful. If you’ve given up carbs, can you live with never having another piece of bread? a fresh baked cookie? birthday cake? If you became a vegetarian, do you miss huge, messy, greasy cheeseburgers? What did you gain? Is the gain even noticable in your life?

I have to admit, I can’t bring myself to give up bread, baked goods, cheeseburgers. I just gain too much pleasure from them to do it. I know, I know. I should be able to find contentment and happiness without food. But who am I kidding? That’s just not me. I have been losing weight steadily for the past year by allowing myself the things I love/crave, but in moderation. Instead of 3 cheeseburgers, I eat most of one. One cookie instead of a dozen. I was a champion binge eater. I have given up quantity, not quality. And you know what? I do find that acceptable and a worthwhile trade off for getting healthier. I even have to admit I’m feeling better about myself and life in general. I still enjoy food, but I don’t rely on it to get me through the day any more.

It’s has taken me years of therapy to get here. I also have help from my PCP and support from WW. WW is like a group therapy session for me every week. We’re all food addicts. We’re helping each other learn to cope with the urges to binge/eat unhealthy foods. Learning ways to satisfy the need, fill the emptiness, without food. I’ve learned how to make my favorite things healthier, too.

All the work I have done and continue to do requires my mind to be determined and practice mindfulness and radical acceptance. I have gained the ability to accept what is and move on with it. I’ve stopped expecting life to be fair. (Newsflash – it really never is.) I have found that the food I ate was cementing the pain, the loneliness, and the emptiness in place. Now, I’ve torn that wall down. I’m building a new wall of mindfulness and acceptance that allows me to see the world and grow into myself. I carefully select the pieces. They have openings in them. They let things in and out. The old wall not only kept bad things out (so I thought), it kept bad things in and good things out. It was 10 feet of reinforced concrete, a thousand feet high, a thousand feet into the ground. It was my fortress. Tearing down the fortress was hard and scary. But, I have found that I have gained so much.

I’m almost always happy now. Even a bad day now is 100 times better than my good days used to be. I don’t rely on food to comfort myself or hide my feelings. I own my feelings now. I let them in and out of my mind like clouds passing in a clear sky. In losing my ability to cling to them, I gained the ability to feel them and acknowledge then deal with them. As I gave up my binge eating, I became healthier and learned to love myself.

So, in the end, my gains are definitely outweighing the losses. I’ve lost a lot of pain, loneliness, weakness, and fear. I gave up the binges and got a better me.

The Lotus in the Well

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I’m really struggling these days. I know what I should be doing to take care of myself, but I can’t seem to do it. It’s like I’ve given up. It’s like the deep, dark moss covered well of muddy water is sucking me under, into its depths. Enclosing me in a miasma of self-loathing, self-hate, and despair.

What brought this on? The snide comments of my mother-in-law? Worrying about my sister and half-brother? Concern about the future? Exhaustion from working so hard on myself? All of the above?

Yeah, I think that’s it. All of the above. I’ve been trying to self medicate with carbs. It’s not helping, and I know it isn’t helping. So why am I still doing it? There is this feeling that I don’t deserve to feel good. That I should be a lonely, fat, disgusting lump of flesh because it’s all I deserve. My inner critic is really loud these days. I can’t seem to shut her up or reason with her.

Do I really deserve to feel this badly? No. I’ve done nothing to hurt anyone else. In fact, I think my friends, family, and coworkers would say that I am a good person. I’ve even been called sweet and helpful. I’ve never hurt anyone on purpose, and if I did I’ve always done everything I could to make it up to them. And of course, I am a human being; so I have worth just like everyone else does, even when I don’t feel it.

How do I climb out of the well? The mud is sticky. The mossy walls slick. No light to see.

I must remind myself and convince myself that I do deserve to feel good. Be healthy. Enjoy life. But how?

First of all, I’m going to vent here. Done. Then do some problem solving. Some pros and cons. I’ll get my journal out and fill the pages with thousands of words expressing my positives. My skills. My uses. My importance. Use my DBT tools (pros & cons, behavioral chain analysis) to figure out what to do. How to climb out of the mud and over the moss.

To complete my journaling, I’m going to use some of my colorful pens, washi tape, and stickers to make it happy. After all, you change things by acting, not by ruminating over the feelings like a cow chewing cud. Fake it ’til you make it, as my therapist used to say.

As I write, I’m going to look at things objectively. List my problems. My pains. Then, examine why they hurt so much. Next, I’ll use the tools to brainstorm solutions to heal the pain. The pain never really goes away. I think you just learn to handle it. You find the hand- and foot-holds out of the well. It’s still there. Just as gross and dark as always, but you exist in among the garden around it. Full of light and peace and contentment. You learn to see the butterfly flitting from flower to flower; happy just to be. You learn to see the maple tree grow; using what nature gives it and expecting no more or less. You learn to bloom like the roses; not worrying about how you compare to another.

It always takes time, effort, and determination to climb out of the well and explore the garden. I’ve done it before. I let myself fall back into the well this month. But, I caught myself before I got stuck in the mud. I’m stronger and better than I used to be. I will live in the garden. Smelling the roses, irises, lavender, and stocks. I’ll feel the warm sun. The rain. I’ll grow like the maple tree. Or maybe like a lotus, rising out of the mud in the well. I will grow stronger and better because of what I have felt and what I am doing to grow and flourish. I am the lotus.