seeing my success

Celebrating Small Victories: A Personal Journey

/ lafbatblog / Leave a comment

I keep seeing that I should be celebrating all of my victories, no matter how small or insignificant. But what makes something a victory? Should it be only your opinion? Should it matter to others? Should it have a physical manifestation? Is behavior or emotion enough?

My sister just received an award for being an excellent corrections officer. She deserved it. She does just about everything from training new officers to crunching data to evaluate the performance of the jail. She was recognized for all of her hard work at the state-wide level. She got a trophy. They had her speak at a banquet. That is definitely a victory. But she will tell you that she didn’t want it. In fact, she sees it as a problem; believing that people will expect more of her because of it. So, in her book, it is not a victory, but a problem. She has 2 children that will be her contribution to the future, too.

Do I have any victories? Nothing so tangible. I managed to get to work and get my job done even though I’m not sleeping more than 2-3 hours a night. I’ve kept off 120 lbs. that I lost. I wrote a new training manual for my job that my boss said is good. I’m learning Spanish. I’m learning to code in Java. I have kept my sourdough starter alive and well (it’s name is Fred) for nearly a year, now. I don’t think about killing myself as much as I used to. I guess those could be victories. But, I see them as insignificant to put it mildly. No children or contributions to the future.

Getting to work? What choice to I have? I have to earn money. And there must be something wrong with me if I can’t sleep without sleeping pills.

Keeping off the weight? So what? I need to lose another 130 lbs. to stop being considered obese. If I were doing it well, I’d have kept losing weight.

Writing the manual? Learning Spanish and Java? Just things I do to pass time and keep from getting lost in my mind. Plus, as my sister pointed out, the boss may want me to write the manual so he can replace me easily.

The sourdough, I guess, is an accomplishment. I do manage to make bread every week.

Not feeling like dying all the time? I’ve been through so much therapy and I’m on medicine. If I can’t control that with all this help, I’m kind of hopeless.

No children or impact on the future. That goes without saying since I have no children and work as a receptionist. Who will care about or miss me when I’m gone?

But then again, I am doing those things. I chose to live my life my way. I am keeping myself going. I think that sometimes I am far too hard on myself. I learned to minimize everything I do as a child. It was never as good as anything my mother could do or did. I still hear her voice, even though she’s been gone for a few years. I know now that she was trying to make herself feel better and more accomplished.

I have to stay in Wise Mind. Balance my logic and my emotions. In both areas, I have positive and negative. I am hard on myself, but I also know that I am strong and resilient and came through a lot of abuse. Logically, I know that I am functioning as a successful adult, even as I think that if I can do it, anyone can, and they can do it better. I know that I do things well. I am praised and complimented on how well I do things. I just have a hard time giving myself internal validation and accepting external validation. I find myself thinking that when someone says I’ve done well, they’re lying to be polite. My therapist pointed out that I was actually being quite arrogant when I did that. I’ve learned to stop denying and telling them why they are wrong and simply say thank you. I regularly write and draw a Wise Mind graphic organizer in my journal. It helps me see what I really am doing. I can see where my brain is trying to lead me astray and where an objective observer would say I am doing well.

I guess I do have some victories to celebrate. Even if some of them are natural to me as blooming is to a flower. Not every flower can do everything. Some smell good. Some produce delicious fruit. Some look beautiful. Each has a victory in its own way. So do people.

I’ve climbed back onto the planet of the living

/ lafbatblog / Leave a comment

I’ve been missing for a while. I don’t know if anyone missed me, but I know I was hiding in my tiny corner of the world. I’ve been fighting my inner demons a lot lately. They’ve been eating me alive. I’m finally pulling myself out of their claws.

I’ve been doing a lot of all or nothing thinking lately. I’ve been categorizing everything I do as either 100% good or 100% bad. No existing in between. My eating habits in particular have been all or nothing, and not very healthy. When I’m good, I don’t eat anything. Eating anything is bad. It doesn’t matter if its a 100 calorie salad, it’s still bad to eat it. I’m very unhappy with myself for maintaining my 140 lb. loss, and not losing more. So, the moping about and blaming and intolerance. I’ve got to fix this in my head. So, after looking back through my DBT workbooks, I’ve come to a conclusion. I have to change the way I am thinking about my state.

Instead of being disgusted with myself for not losing more, I should be proud that I’ve maintained this loss for over 6 months. That’s a long time for me NOT TO GAIN! I should be ecstatic! Instead, I’ve been looking at it as a failure. I think that every time I eat I shouldn’t be eating. I stopped working out and walking. I felt like it was pointless because I was eating and still as big as a giant whale. Enough of the self-loathing. Enough of the self-hate. All that was doing was making things worse. No hope. No worthiness. No chance for success. So, I’m shifting the POV.

Never before have I lost so much weight. Never before have I maintained without gaining back the lost weight and then some. It’s been years since I could wear clothes this size. I actually fit in public places (restaurant booths, narrow hallways, and such). I can’t even lift the amount of weight that I’ve lost. I’ve got a lot to be proud of. I am worthy of respect and acceptance.

To help cement this in my mind, I’m back to doing a daily DBT diary card to make sure I keep using my skills. I’ve done a pros and cons of my current behavior, and compared it to one of my previous behaviors (while losing). I’m struggling to stay in Wise Mind. I’m using cheerleading statements. Affirmations. Before and after photos. Lots of reflective writing. When I stopped using my skills, the demons crept out of their crypt, and dragged me back in with them.

I was sleeping way too much. Binge eating, again. Telling myself how stupid/fat/ugly/disgusting/useless/worthless I was. Actually, in reflection, I’m amazed that I didn’t gain all the weight back. When I think about it, I have changed my habits enough that they carried me through the crypt and kept me from going entirely into the dark.

My binges are no where near what they once were. When I ate in the past, it was like I was afraid someone was going to take the food away from me. I ate everything I could get my hands on, no matter how it tasted. I’d sneak and eat away from prying eyes. I eat until it hurt and keep on going. Now, I actually stopped when I realized the food didn’t taste good or wasn’t satisfying me. It was healthier food (whole grain bread instead of a whole quarter sheet cake). I didn’t hide that fact that I was eating. Well, what do you know? I wasn’t doing as badly as I tried to tell myself I was!

I am going to go back to taking care of myself. Buying healthy foods, not junk. drinking more water. Walking every morning. Working out 2-3 times a week. Journaling every morning. Using my DBT skills every day. Self-soothing with a bubble bath or candle watching or coloring or reading. Practice my mindfulness and meditation practice. I’m starting a new weight loss program, too. CoreLife Med. I’m hoping it will combine with all my efforts to help me lose another 60-80 lbs. I took a year to lose the 140 lbs., it’s just not realistic to think I’ll get the rest off with no effort. Kind of silly of me, wasn’t it? I know better. I just let all my demons take charge. They are sneaky things. I let my guard down for a few days, and they came and took charge.

I’ve got this. I have the tools. I have the knowledge. I will do this.

Frustration with slow progress

/ lafbatblog / Leave a comment

I am trying not to let myself get down heartened. I want to lose weight faster, but that just isn’t healthy or sustainable. I know this in my mind, but don’t feel it in my heart. So, how can I remain focused and motivated and keep making progress?

First of all, I need to do some major journaling. Reflecting on the following things: 1) I am over a 100 pounds lighter than I was at this time a year ago; 2) my clothes that I wore last year are way too big now; 3) my body doesn’t hurt like it used to; 4) my doctor is very pleased with all of my progress; and 5) people are really starting to notice.

To do this, I will start by listing all of the good things that are happening now because of how far I have gone. The 5 major things above, and any other little thing I can brainstorm and dump onto the paper. I will note all the positive things I am doing now, like how I care enough to moisturize my skin, which I never did before losing this weight. There are bound to be at least a 100 things. Maybe I’ll list them in my next post.

Secondly, I will evaluate how hard/difficult it is to keep doing what I am doing. I’ll list all the pro’s and con’s for each thing. I will determine whether the pro’s or the con’s are stronger, and adjust my actions accordingly. Kind of making a quilt of strategies and reasons. I’ll probably color code it, because I love color and have to have at least a few hundred pens and markers in my stash. It will help me see what is going on in my life and how I have control over my actions, and earn the outcome.

Third, I will brain dump all the things I hope to do, no plan to do, once I have reached my goal. What would make me satisfied and content? What would make my soul joyous? What would improve my life? I think I’ll make a vision board to support this part of my journaling. I need to help my mind, body, and soul see the good things that will come of continuing my efforts.

’cause let’s face it. Losing weight is a lot of work. I’ve come so far. I’ve never lost this much weight before. I never want to get close to 400 lbs. again. I was miserable and hated life. Now, I actually like life. I want to be alive and do things. I spent most of my life not wanting to be alive. I’ve finally stopped that, quitting a bad habit or getting rid of the security blanket that keeps you wrapped up so tightly that you cannot move. I have to keep working to convince myself that I do need to keep doing things for myself and improve my life. I’m kind of like the old cliche of the butterfly from the cocoon. (I love butterflies, so why not?) I am free to live now, and I want to keep doing it. I’m going to clear my head and find the happiness in what I am doing, stop looking at it like it’s work or a chore. It is what makes me feel good.

The trials of being patient

/ lafbatblog / Leave a comment

Know how it feels when you really want something, but you have to wait for it? It’s like you’re being teased by the universe. You know what it is. You know what you want. You even know what you have to do to get it. Yet, it’s just not getting to you fast enough.

Weight loss is a lot like that. You know what you need to do. Relearn how you eat. Relearn how you approach food. Learn to be active. Learn to pacify you inner child/demons/neuroses without food. And keep doing it. It is a lot of long, hard work to do to undo the harm you’ve done to yourself over the years.

Sometimes, it’s kind of like that cartoon where the woman ate a salad then weighs to see if she lost any weight, yet. You know you’re doing the right things. You know it’s hard to do the right things. It seems like it’s taking forever for you have progress toward your goal. It makes it difficult to keep working at weight loss. I don’t know about you, but I can easily gain 5-6 lbs in one day. Losing, not so much. I’ve averaged about 1 pound a week. Some weeks I manage more. Every now and then I go the wrong way. But, I am getting there.

Maybe it would be easier if I could actually see that I’m making progress. No one just comes up to me and says “Wow! You’ve lost a lot of weight!” No one except my WW coach gives me validation. I look in the mirror, and I don’t see any difference. I “know” I’m down 114 lbs. I don’t “feel” I’m down 114lbs. I guess I should, but I don’t. Even though I can list a lot of ways that show me I am succeeding at losing weight. I can sit in my car seat without my belly rubbing against the steering wheel, by several inches. My pants that I wore just a couple of months ago, now fall off of me. My underwear is even falling off of me! I can fit in the booth at a restaurant. So why don’t I see it?

It is true, I’m still wearing my clothes as large and loose as possible. I don’t feel safe in clothes that actually let someone see my body. When I look in the mirror, I still see a huge blob of fat. Every now and then, I’ll catch sight of myself in a mirror and not realize it is me at first. When I do that, I usually think “Wow! I don’t look so bad!”

I’m still not where I want to be. I need to keep losing weight. Another 100 lbs. or so. My doctor says she’d be cool with another 80. I just have to be patient with the process. It will work. It is working. I need to keep reminding myself that it is successful, and I will get there. I write it in my journal. I write it here. I meditate on it. I reflect on it. It WILL happen.