Why so much hate?

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I’ll never understand how people can hate other people so much. I guess it comes down to fear. You fear the unknown, and they don’t know each other, so they don’t like being afraid, so that makes them hate. They must really be afraid of the power of other people to fear and hate them so much. What really surprises me about it all, is that these are the same people who claim to go to church and love God, or at least Jesus. How can they think God or Jesus would want them to act the way they do? I guess if you only think of God as a judge, then it can happen. I prefer to think that God has love and compassion, too. Jesus was big on those two things. So, why aren’t the people who say they follow his teachings? I don’t get it.

Another thing, there is no such thing as a group of people that are all bad or all good. There are outliers in each. For every corrupt, bad cop there are 100’s of good cops who really want to help people. For every violent looter, there are 1000’s of peaceful people who wouldn’t harm anyone. For every crazy zealot, there are 1000’s of loving, kind people. You can’t let the rotten apple turn you off to all apples forever.

So, people need a dose of DBT. Stop judging. Start accepting. Try to understand. Let everyone have the same rights you think you do and we’ll all get along a whole lot better.

Your Mind is a Rose

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After watching my garden wake up this spring, it occurred to me that opening one’s mind is like a rose blooming. Everyone’s mind is beautiful, in its own way. No two are exactly alike, just like the roses blooming in my garden. There are different colors, different scents, different shapes.

When you are young, your mind is like the tight, new rosebud. Closed to the hatred and meanness of the world. The bud shows promise, and teases you with the possibilities that it holds. Just like a young mind. As you learn and explore, your mind swells with knowledge like the bud swells with new petals and nectar. Growing and giving a glimpse of what is to be.

Then, you really start learning and finding out new things for yourself. Some of them good. Some of them bad. Some of them painful. The sepals start to open. The rose is nearly ready to show you what she has.

Finally, the rose opens. Petals and scent spilling out and making the world even more beautiful than before. Your mind is like that, once you have grown into yourself. You add joy and beauty and ideas and kindness to the world. Other people are drawn to it like the bee is drawn to the rose. The gorgeous colors, scents, shapes combine to make a unique experience that no other rose can truly replicate. So it is with your mind. No one else will ever be you. No one has ever been you. You are unique, precious, and wonderful. Just like a new rose.

 

Broken Means Beautiful

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This is a meme that I really like.

It tells me that feeling broken isn’t necessarily a bad thing. In fact, it adds to your beauty. Think about the butterfly. It doesn’t exist until the caterpillar is totally broken apart and recycled into a whole new creature. Most people think the butterfly is far more beautiful than the caterpillar. But, you can’t have one without the other. The organism has to be a caterpillar. It has to be completely broken. It has to be recycled and rebuilt. Then, and only then, does it become the butterfly. The butterfly doesn’t last for long. Maybe as a reminder that all things, good and bad, will come to an end. So enjoy them while they are here, and let them go when it is time for them to pass into the past.

I often feel broken. Many people do. I am learning though, to change how I view the nature of being broken. There are many uplifting quotes (broken to let the light in, broken crayons still color, etc.). All of them have their own truth. Breaking is painful, but necessary to grow and develop. You can’t become unless you let go of what was and the old you that held you down. Be the butterfly! Come back stronger and even more beautiful from the breaking than you were before the breaking!

Seedlings and Inertia

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It has been a while since I wrote anything. I blame the inertia of being stuck at home with no one to talk to or do things with. It’s kind of like being stuck within my own head. Not necessarily a good place to be. As the days have passed, it has become darker and the webs thicker and harder to move through. So, I’m finally making progress through the webs and into the spring sun.

There is nothing I can do to stop the process, that I am not already doing (staying home, making masks, using technology to connect to others). So that means it is time to enlist that DBR skill, radical acceptance. I don’t like the situation or approve of it, but I can acknowledge it as it is, and make the best of the situation. To that end, I have been doing things here at home to make myself master of what I can. I am taking online classes. German through Babel, and a computer science class from Harvard (free). I am enjoying the stimulation of learning new things. I have been working in my garden. I have new seeds coming up, stretching to the sun and being happy to be alive. I am making crafts. Crochet, cross stitch, and book making. I hope to make a substantial dent in the Christmas presents for this year while I’m stuck here at home.

Ugh, there goes the negativity, again. I can’t change the situation, so I must change my perspective. I have an opportunity to get a lot more done here at home than I would if I weren’t working from home. I get to learn new things. I get to create gifts for others. I get to help Mother Nature spread love and joy. I have time to journal and be mindful about what I am doing. The solitude gives me the chance to think and reflect, not just react. I know that this will change. We cannot exist like this forever. I don’t think we’ll go back to totally normal, but we’ll get close.

My garden is waking up. There are flower seedlings coming up in the flower bed. I can’t wait to see them bloom. All the different colors and shapes and scents lifting my senses and making me happy. I have lettuces ready to harvest! Yummy! I have tomato plants and pepper plants and broccoli, too. I have been moving some of my ferns and my lemon tree outside, along with my ponytail palm. The palm is probably 40 years old. It belonged to my grandmother before I got it. It has lots of new growth on it. The lemon tree is happier outside. I hope it will bloom and set fruit this year. I would love to drink lemonade made from my own lemons. My blueberry bushes and strawberry plants are blooming, too. The happiness they seem to feel calms my soul and reminds me that life will continue, no matter what else happens in the world. The buds and seedlings are breaking through the inertia. Spurring me on to keep doing and being. I am whole. I am content. I feel serene.

It’s finally winter!

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Well, it finally snowed last night. It was like Mother Nature remembered it is winter. It was beautiful. I’ve always liked the way the snow makes everything bright and clean and perfect. It hides the dirt and grime underneath. Some people are like that. They smile and laugh with everyone, but inside is rotten and full of pain. I’ve done that many times. You feel that no one will understand the real you, so you fake it and act like society tells you to. It doesn’t help you in the long run. I’m not sure it even works in the short term. You make the others feel comfortable and happy, but you don’t help yourself.

I’ve worked hard to find my inner peace and serenity. I finally feel congruent, the same inside and outside. I know some people would prefer that I be Miss Perky Bubbles, but that is not me. Those that actually matter to me, know and understand that is not me. They accept that I am more than sunshine and rainbows. I have storm clouds and tornadoes and hurricanes inside me. I sometimes have hard freezes when I don’t let anyone in to my comfort zone. That’s OK. It’s all part of the weather, and without it life wouldn’t work on this planet. I wouldn’t function as a human being without my internal weather. My climate is temperate, subject to changing fronts and seasons. My life thrives under those conditions.

Very few people can live being constantly sunny. Even the happiest people acknowledge the existence of sadness, pain, and need. They have learned that you cannot grow without both extremes and everything in the middle. Your garden won’t grow if it’s always dry sun, or always freezing cold, or torrential rain. It needs the warmth of the sun to make food. It needs the cold to take a break and rest and repair. It needs the rain to soak up so it can move the nutrients around and stand proudly under the sun. Just like us.

Another Year, Another Chance

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Well, I’m another year older. I don’t really feel like I’m that old, but my students would tell me that I am. I have been working hard to treat myself well and be healthier in every way. Self care is big on my to do list. How am I going to do it this year, if I’ve not managed it ever before?

Mindfulness. DBT skills. Self soothing. Crafting. Writing. Those are my weapons of choice against the dreadful inertia of apathy that I have suffered from for so long. If you don’t do anything, nothing will change. So, time to put on my big girl panties and go to work. I am feeling better about myself, now. Modern psychiatry is a wonderful thing. I have a great therapist. For the first time in therapy, I actually feel progress and change. I am actually applying all the skills I’ve spent the past 8 years learning. I feel like a seed, buried in the cold ground. I can feel the sun is up there, and the rain is getting me ready to join the world.

I am making more things. I am crocheting a table runner for my mother, for her Mother’s Day gift. It is ironic that I will put so much time into her gift, when she has always made herself feel better at my expense. But, I do it because I actually enjoy making something beautiful, not because of her. I can’t count on her to validate me. I have learned to validate myself. And I will do that by showing myself what a lovely item I can make.

I am eagerly awaiting the Spring! I have gardening plans and tons of seeds waiting for their chance to grow. Veggies. Herbs. Flowers. I love them all. I used to enjoy working in the garden when I was a kid. Mom had me do it because she said that she was too pale to be out in the sun so much. That turned out to be a good thing for me. I loved it outside and growing things has become a life long love. The work you do, shows and rewards you, no matter what anyone else says or does.

I am starting to branch out a bit, and talk about more things than just DBT. I hope that shows how DBT and mindfulness apply to all the facets of your life. It will help you heal and support yourself, even when no one else will.

Why am I still punishing myself?

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I keep doing it. Old habits are soooo comfortable. Even when they hurt. I eat things I don’t need to eat and in amounts that are totally insane. I ask for help, and the insurance company says, no. So, I’m stuck trying to use my will power, which is anemic at best.

I’m starting over. I’m recommitting to myself. I’ll try to adhere to WW, the portions, the  types of food, the activity. I’m trying to get help from my doctor and therapist, too. Time to journal and track. Think before doing. Take care of me.

I also intend to blog more regularly and apply my DBT skills to this process. Wish me luck!

Why can’t I be nice to myself?

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I find it so easy to hate myself. I was taught well that I have nothing to offer anyone, that I am physically repulsive, stupid, incompetent, a repugnant waste of air. My parents were very good at that. So, I learned to me cruel and hateful to myself, not kind and compassionate. I am working hard to unlearn their lessons.

I would never talk to a friend, or even an enemy, the way I address myself. I am trying to learn new ways of handling myself. I work hard to find affirmations that mean something to me. I try to be mindful and let the negative thoughts pass like clouds in the sky. I have happy journals. They are notebooks that I have written quotes into and pasted images that make me happy. I have tried bullet journaling and tracking food intake. Things to help me help myself. I still  lapse into self loathing.

I am a grown woman. I can’t keep letting the pain of my childhood continue to steal my happiness, today. I am just as worthy as anyone else. I have good qualities and bad ones. I don’t expect to be happy 24/7. I know that is unrealistic. I just want to not feel bad all the time.

I am making a self soothing box/kit. My therapist suggested it. I’m putting items in it that help ground my senses and pull me back from the edge. I need the support. I need to support myself. I was filling out a worksheet she sent me, listing the good things about myself. It was hard. I managed to fill in compliments, skills, making others happy, etc. I just couldn’t think of anything I like about my appearance. I’m morbidly obese. I have gray hair. Fat rolls. Stretch marks. Cellulite. Wrinkles. I think of my hair and skin as greasy and nasty (thanks Mom). My skin has bumps on it (ectopic dermatits) and eczema. My toes are too long. I’m short. I wear glasses. I just can’t seem to find anything positive to say about my body. I’m getting there with my mind and actions, but not my body.

There I go, childhood judgments coloring my world today. I deserve to at least like myself. No one should hate themselves. So, I’ll keep working on it. Getting help from my therapist. Trying to soothe and raise that small girl who was scarred so badly. She was beautiful. I  look at old pictures and really think I was very pretty. I need to get back there. I need to take care of me.

Back after a hiatus

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I have stayed away because I’ve been in a very dark place. My own head. I am finally climbing out. I stopped working on mindfulness, acceptance, and letting go of judging and expectations. It was a mistake. My whole life went into a death spiral. Now, I’ve reclaimed my life. I have to accept that life is work, it does not come easy.

I’ve been journaling a lot. I am making junk journals and bullet journals. I need to keep my mind straight, and the journals help. I do a lot of problem solving in my journals. The prettier they are, the more I am likely to use them. Sort of like bait. I find that putting my problems and expectations onto paper makes them easier to deal with. They are out of my spin cycle of a brain, and I can take them apart and find the answers that I need.

 

Why do I have such a hard time loving myself?

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Here I go, again. I was doing well. Being productive. Losing weight. Making my doctor happy. Feeling good. And then, like a ton of lead, it hit me.

I suddenly want to do nothing but eat and hide in my bedroom. I feel empty. I feel disgusting. I feel unwanted and unneeded. I am undoing all the good that I had done. Why?

Am I so afraid of change and progress? Do I really hate myself? Am I really so disgusting? Am I really am empty void of nothingness?

No. To all of those, well, I do kind of hate myself, but I’m working on it. I deserve good things. I deserve contentment and serenity. I deserve to feel well. So, what am I going to do about my mixed up feelings?

First, meditate and relate to my greater power. I need to find the peace and purpose within my life that only mediation and spirituality can provide. I need to know there is something greater than me out there, and that I matter to it.

Second, accept that I’ve spent 50 years being the fat girl and was abused a good 25 of those years. That pain will always be there. I have to learn to let it go and not let it control me. Feelings will pass like clouds in the sky. The sky, like me, persists no matter what the clouds do.

Third, get in control of what I am doing. I know how to take care of myself and do good things for myself. So, I need an action plan. My plan:

  1. Keep doing the Weight Watchers program.
    1. track
    2. weigh and measure
    3. plan
    4. eat healthy foods
  2. Be active
    1. walk daily
    2. workout every other day
    3. keep up with my garden
    4. craft/create
  3. Meditate and be mindful
    1. meditate daily
    2. use Calm and other apps
    3. accept what is
    4. don’t let the past overcome today
    5. use my DBT workbooks
  4. Express myself
    1. make things through crafts
    2. write, the blog and pen pals and journal

To coordinate it all, I will keep my daily planner going and reach out to friends for support and helping me with kind accountability. You know, like a plant lets you know when you are taking good care of it or need to do something different. The plant doesn’t shout or curse or fuss, it just accepts what you give it and reacts accordingly. Your mind and body accept and react accordingly, too. Take loving care of yourself, and you will thrive!