What slows you down?

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WW talked about fuel vs. friction a few weeks ago. Then it was your circle of friends. All of it has been about momentum this month. How to get it and keep it. So, how do I keep going?

I have adopted the idea that no food is bad. If I try to deny myself something, I just end up eating everything trying to cover that urge. Instead, I am trying to eat like a thin person. Have you ever noticed how they can take 2 or 3 bites and consider themselves sated? It blows my mind that such a thing is possible, but I am working hard to develop the habit. I am adapting a life style, not a diet.

So, how to eat less and be satisfied? I am focusing on eating mindfully. This means slowing down and actually tasting your food. If you eat more slowly, you will realize you are full before you devour the entire thing. So, eating like a thin person. I have to focus and be very deliberate to make this work. I strive to be present with the food, not letting my attention wander. It is making a big difference. I’m down 40 pounds, now. Instead of eating 3 cheeseburgers, I’m eating most of 1, and finding myself satisfied.

I’ve stopped using food to self soothe. I am doing other things like reading, taking a bubble bath, crafting, gardening, cleaning. Yes, I know, cleaning is not considered relaxing and soothing to most people, but I find it builds my peace, sense of control, and calms my mind. So, it is important to figure out what makes you feel good, that doesn’t involve food. Make a list. Look up a list of self soothing strategies on line. Think about what you did as a child to feel happy. Those things will work today, too. Keep your list with you until you have made it second nature. Your stress levels will drop and so will your weight.

It is Dog Wood Winter. I dislike these cold snaps in the spring, but they are normal. I find myself itching to get into my garden and make things grow. I grow a lot of herbs, flowers, and a few vegetables. I don’t have a huge garden plot. I grow most of my veggies in containers. Last year, my garden suffered from neglect because I was at my mom’s so much, watching her die. This summer, I hope nothing happens to bring me back down to that place. At that time, it was all I could do not to eat the entire house. I don’t feel as guilty about her death, now, but it has taken a lot of journaling and reflection to get here.

My journal is my favorite tool to develop mental health. It even helps me maintain physical health. I work through my feelings and figure out what is bothering me. I make a list of all the things I think could be bothering me. Next, for each item, I list the facts of the situation and my feelings/perceptions. Finally, I come up with what I can really do about each problem. This creates resolution in my mind and gives me a feeling of more control and guides me in what action to take. I often color code it to make it easy to see what goes with what. You don’t have to do it in a journal, just a plain old piece of paper will do. Give it a try. It’s far superior to just emoting and complaining in your journal.

How do you get there?

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Last week, WW was all about goal setting. Reasonable v. unreasonable. Outcome v. actions. Very good points. My ultimate goal is to lose 200 pounds. That seems insurrmountable if I look at it as 1 giant chunk. I need to break it down into manageable bites, or I’ll become overwhelmed and give up.

Of course the first step is to decide on where you want to go. Do some soul searching. Think about where you are. Accept yourself as you are. Evaluate the facts and possible outcomes. Then, determine the goal. As I said, mine is to lose 200 pounds.

Why do you need to accept yourself? If you approach the goal from a place of self-love and acceptance, you are being positive. Not punishing yourself or hating yourself. Neither of those is maintainable over the long haul, and let’s face it, reaching a major goal is a marathon not a sprint. If you can see it as doing good for yourself, and accept that you are human. You will have slips and points where you take a side journey off the path. It will be easier to find the path again, if you accept yourself and love yourself. That doesn’t mean that you can’t want to change, it just means that you know yourself and where you are and where you want to go.

Once you identify the objective, it is necessary to determine how you will get there. First, break it down into achievable pieces. I’m aiming at 5 pounds a month. I know it will take a long time, but it will also mean that the new habits and lifestyle will have time to become my new normal and comfortable to continue with through out my life.

So, we have the stops along the way, now, how do we get to them? You have to decide on the actions you are going to take. Just setting the outcome won’t get you there. You have to make the progress. Your goals are more meaningful if they are things you will do at a certain time in a certain way. I know I have to handle several angles if I am going to get to my destination. First, I am working on my mental health and self-love/compassion through journaling and therapy. I journal daily and do therapy as needed. Second, I need to change my lifestyle. I am adding vegetables and fruit and whole grains and lean protein. I drink 64 oz of water a day. I track what I eat with WW. Third, I am increasing my activity. I am working on walking more every day, at least 3000 steps (I was averaging 1000) a day. I am using workout videos on WW and YouTube and my large DVD collection. The goal is 3 work outs a week. So, I have concrete, measureable goals.

Using my steps to get to my destination, I can see success and feel that I am making progress, even if the scale doesn’t do what I want. As my WW leader says, the scale is not the most reliable indicator of success. How you feel and what you can do are the best ways to know if you’ve reached your ultimate goal. As a side effect, you’ll reach the weight goal too.

Perfectionism and losing weight

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Last week the WW workshop was about perfectionism and how it can hinder weight loss. The consensus in the group was that being a perfectionist definitely complicates the process and limits success. This idea that you must always do the exactly correct thing at the correct time and in the correct way or you have failed, is guaranteed to make you unhappy and frustrate you in reaching your goals. In DBT, the emphasis is on progress, not perfection. A much more sensible way to approach any goal, in my opinion. It encourages you to move on with what is, so you aren’t creating more misery and suffering for yourself by expecting things that just aren’t reasonable.

A classic example, you’ve been tracking your food, weighing and measuring all your portions, keeping under your daily points/calories goal, then you eat a piece of cake. The perfectionist in you says “Aha, I knew you couldn’t do it! May as well give up and go back to the old way of doing things!” So, you proceed to undo all the good things you have done. You minimize your success and focus instead on the one mistake. You keep on eating and stop tracking. In the end, you are worse off than when you started or even if you’d just forgiven yourself and gotten back on track after the cake. One piece of cake does not equal a gluttinous life.

The better thing to do, would be to forgive yourself and resume your good behaviors. Focus on all that you have done well. How far you’ve come. Accept that you are human, and from time to time you will slip off the straight and narrow. It’s OK. You don’t lose the path unless you keep going down the food addiction trail. You can get back to making progress and improving your life and reaching your goals.

Last Saturday, I earned my 25 lb. charm at WW. I admit I’ve gotten some help from my doctor. She put me on Ozempic, and it is starting to work. I find it hard to eat as much at a sitting as I used to. It actually feels like my stomach starts turning flips. I needed the help to learn not to hoover up all the food on the table, like someone is going to take it away from me. My mom isn’t here to take the food away any more. No one in my house is going to tell me to stop eating, except for me. Also, I’m not a high school science teacher any more. We only had 20 minutes to eat lunch, and do any paperwork or phone calls that had to be done. Now, I can take my time and eat and actually taste and enjoy the food. I try to eat mindfully. I’m getting better and better at it. I actually taste my food now, and savor it. I find I’m more satisfied with less food, but I do want better quality (butter not margarine, for example).

My ultimate goal is to lose 200 pounds. I have to see each step I take as success. Perfection is NOT an option. I am human. It took me 53 years to get here. I have the habits of a lifetime to unlearn. I have new tools and help in my journey. I have a mantra that I use “Progress, not perfection; accept, don’t expect.”

What to do when the binge monster strikes

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I know you’ve all felt it. The overwhelming urgent need to eat a ton of food in a very short period of time. Cheeseburgers and cake are my 2 main go to’s. I remember in high school, I would eat an entire quarter sheet cake and all of the sugary icing in 10 minutes. I was obviously trying to comfort and reassure myself, but at the time all I could think was that I was in control while I bought and ate the cake. Now, I know that is not the case. I am a food addict. It’s really hard to stop. After all, you can’t go cold turkey. You have to eat to live.

I’ve spent years in therapy and at Weight Watchers (WW). Slowly learning how to take care of myself and stop self harming by shoveling food into my body like it was a trash heap. No one deserves to be treated like that by anyone. I know that now. Sometimes I even feel it. That’s the hard part. Reconciling the feelings, habits, and knowledge into agreement.

I spend a lot of time writing out my feelings. Getting them out of my head. Often it goes like this, I list all the things that are bothering me in a numbered list. Then, I expand the list by listing all the details and facts about each item. Next, I write down a list of things I can do for each thing. Finally, I plan what to do to address the problem. It gets all of the chaos out of my mind. It helps me see the difference between my facts and feelings. It helps me feel in control.

Now, I’m applying this to my weight. When I feel a binge coming on, I try to stop to analyze why I’m feeling the urge. This helps in 2 ways. The first is that it simply takes time that sometimes allows to urge to pass. Second, it helps me let the feelings pass and focus on what is really happening. For example, I was craving a McDonald’s binge a week ago. I normally would order 5 cheeseburgers, a quarter pounder, a McChicken or 2, and fries and sundaes. In the past, I would have devoured it without even tasting it or pausing to think if I were hungry. Last week, I stopped and wrote instead. I listed my problems (money, weight, loneliness, worries about work). Then, I wrote down the facts for each category. I made a tree diagram and color coded it so I could really see what was happening. After that, I wrote what would be all the options, positive and negative (spend the money and gorge, save the money and eat a sandwich, save the money and not eat, etc.). After a few minutes, I decided the best course of action was to not order McDondalds. Instead, I had a salad with grilled chicken breast made from things in my refrigerator. A win/win. I ate healthy, instead of carrying out my unhealthy relationship with food. I saved money, which lowered my worries about paying bills.

Granted, it is hard to always stop yourself and journal instead of eat. I still slip up. But, I am getting stronger and better at taking good care of myself. Showing myself some good love.

I’ve lost 10 pounds in the last 2 weeks. Yippy! It is an effort, but I think it is worth it.

How did I end up like this?

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I am morbidly obese. There, I said it. Yes, I feel gross and disgusting because of it. I try to practice self love and compassion, but my parents’ voices telling me how disgusting and ugly I am keep shouting to be heard. So, how did I end up like this?

As a child, my grandmother was a major food pusher. I remember my dad telling my mom not to let me eat because I was too fat. I remember being told at 5 years old that I was fat and disgusting. I learned to equate food with safety and comfort. So naturally, as good as my mom was about hiding food, I learned to be good at finding it and sneaking and eating more. I wasn’t thin, but when I look back on pictures, I wasn’t fat. I remember Mom telling me I couldn’t play in my room because I was so fat I’d fall through the floor. I remember her scolding me because I was 14 and wore a size 16. Over the years, I packed on the pounds.

The only time Dad paid attention to me was when he was fussing at me about my weight. I also thought if I gained enough weight my grandfather would stop touching me and trying to have sex with me. Mom told me that was all my own fault, by the way. So, food was comfort and safety. When I snuck and ate, I felt safe and protected. I’ve kept that up, except for 1 time in my life when I actually lost a lot of weight. Of course, it all came back with reinforcements.

I’m finally doing something to take proper care of myself. I’ve joined WW. I’m in therapy. I’ve done DBT and CBT. I asked my doctor for medical help. I am going to get there. My goal for 2022 is to lose 100 pounds. I’ll still be obese, but I’ll be better off than I am now. I have tools now. I am going to use them. I am going to write about it here to increase my accountability and focus on the goal. I hope it helps me and anyone else who needs the help and support. I’ve got this.

Is it fall yet?

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I’ve been eagerly awaiting the start of fall. Cooler weather, pretty leaves, pumpkin spice everywhere, sweaters, football, Halloween. It is an exercise in accept, don’t expect. I can’t control the weather. I have to be patient and wait for the weather to do it’s own thing. I have to accept it. Judging the weather only leads to unhappiness and displeasure, so it is better not to allow myself to fall into that trap.

Why do I like fall? It’s usually a peaceful time of year for me. No crisis in the family. No work hassles, especially since I quit teaching high school. The garden is slowly going to sleep, after a last hurrah of bitter oranges and dusty purple ageratum. My fall camellia is blooming, white with pink edges on the flowers. Debating whether or not to buy a pumpkin to carve. Is it worth the money and the mess? Decisions, decisions.

My favorite holiday is Halloween. No family obligations to lead to pain and misery. Celebrating monsters that never frightened me. Even as a small child I rooted for Dracula and Godzilla. I knew they were safer than people. People hurt me, especially those I was supposed to be able to trust with my life. Monsters did their thing because it was their nature, not to hurt others. At least, that is how my young brain saw it. I still love good horror movies (not the gore galore slash fests, I like a plot). I like to watch the old black and white movies from the glory days of Hollywood and the old Hammer films. I have a collection of them that I watch year round, as an escape from the stress and fear of normal life.

I am working on myself every day. Learning not to let the mean people own my mind. Learning not to judge. Not to expect. Those things cause pain and suffering. Let it go. Find your own love and peace. It is true, only you can truly make yourself happy. Not others. Not things. Find your pleasure and serenity in the world within your mind. You will be better off for it. Think of the monsters doing what comes natural. They aren’t pulled down by angst and second guessing themselves. They live and find their own contentment.

Another year of trials and tribulations

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It has been quite a while since I’ve written anything here. I just felt too empty to write. This year has continued the stresses of Covid and loneliness. And of course, my mother died almost 3 months ago. Not of Covid.

Handling loneliness required a lot of self soothing. I’ve spent hours decluttering and organizing. It really did make me feel better and more in control. I know, control is an illusion. I should accept, not expect. But the feeling that I was in control of something, even if it was just organizing my desk in my craft room/office, soothed my soul and my mind. Getting rid of junk was empowering. I was removing its hold on me and showing my own strength. I decluttered the whole house. I didn’t go minimalist. I love my butterflies and cozy feeling house just fine the way they are. But it was good to know that my possessions don’t necessarily control me.

I’ve worked from home, used contactless delivery, and all the other tricks to avoid Covid. I am fully vaccinated, even already got my flu shot. I keep watching people refusing to do things to improve the public health. Complaining that no one has the right to tell them to get a shot or wear a mask. It infringes on their freedom and they don’t believe the science or doctors. Then, when they get sick, they expect to be treated with all the skills of science and the doctors. They’ve created such a burden on our resources and stretched this pandemic out far longer than it should have been. I keep reminding myself, don’t judge. Tolerate and accept all. I just don’t understand how their minds work. I need to stop trying. I can’t change anything they think or do. I just need to accept it, do my best, and move on.

Mom died of MS. She fell and broke her hip. They put her in the hospital, did surgery, and she seemed to be recovering just fine. Then, she was placed in a nursing home for rehab. At first she was OK. I could talk to her on the phone and she was strong and lucid and understood me and made sense and was planning for me to come stay with her once she was out of there. Then, she started getting weaker. She wasn’t eating. Her MS was keeping her from swallowing correctly, and affecting her sight and causing her constant pain. She stopped making sense when I talked to her. I took lots of time off work to go see her. To try to get the house ready so she could come home. The hoarding of my stepfather and brother saw to it that I was unable to fix the house. In the space of a month, mom had lost 50 lbs. They put her on morphine for the pain. The last time I saw her, I don’t think she even knew I was there. She couldn’t talk or move or even swallow her saliva. She died at 4AM that night. All alone. They were supposed to call us and make sure we got there in time, but they didn’t. She died all alone. I think they just walked in and found her already dead. I feel so much guilt about this. I failed her. She didn’t get to come home. She didn’t get to eat the food she liked. I keep thinking I don’t deserve to eat since she couldn’t and I didn’t give her what she wanted. I’ve got 250 lbs. to lose before it would even be a beginning of an issue. I need to remind myself, she loved my brother and nephews more than me. They were the ones she asked for, not me. She always chose my stepfather over me, even when he threatened to kill me, she took his side. She always had to be better than me at everything I did. She always had to be prettier than me. Smarter than me. Why did I want her to love me? I guess it’s because she was my mom.

I am trying to lose weight for me. I am working out again. I am doing WW. I asked my doctor for help, and got it. I deserve to feel good and be healthy and enjoy life. I am taking care of myself because no one else ever has or will. I am working hard to stay in Wise Mind in this situation. My emotions want to punish me on mom’s behalf. My logic tells me I need to lose weight to be healthy. The middle path says use mom’s treatment of me as fuel to become healthier. So, that is what I am doing.

Is normal a good thing?

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I’ve been watching a lot of news, curled up in my cozy little cave. To be honest, I’ve enjoyed my hermetic existence. No one to make me feel inferior or embarrassed or ashamed of myself. No need to act like I like people when I don’t. No need to cope ahead or Dear Man or GIVE or FAST to get along with other people. This new normal soothes my soul. I see it is coming to an end. I accept that. I may not like it, but I accept it. Why should we miss it?

Well, aside from the reasons an introvert like me will list long and well, there is the effect it had on Earth. Pollution went way down. I’m not going to bore you with numbers, but you can research it and find out for yourself if you doubt me. Or just look around, or watch the news. This morning, NBC’s Today Show had a piece on the positive environmental impact of the lock downs. Animals are thriving. CO2 is down. It is possible for people and nature to coexist. All it takes is people being more mindful and considerate when it comes to traveling and consumption. There are so many of us, we can make a difference through our actions and choices. Less travel means less pollution and less wear and tear on the infrastructure, some of which is not looking too great. Have you noticed how many bridges drop pieces every time a car goes over? Not the safest thing.

Working from home has taught us a few lessons. We are happier not commuting. We are happier not having to put on a show for others when we go to work. The air is clearer when we don’t drive so much. We have more time for life and things we like when we don’t have to commute or work a specific shift. We don’t have to be crammed into an office like sardines in a can to be productive and successful. In fact, some lucky people are going to stay in the WFH world. They have been more productive and healthier, according to their employers. That is not a bad thing.

And now, we are returning to business as usual. I have seen news of 3 mass shootings in the past month. It was so nice not hearing about those while we were locked down. Hate crimes are rising against Asians, thanks to an absolute oaf who nearly ran our country into the ground and tried to make it acceptable to be racist. People are still being killed by police, who feel that they have no choice in the matter, except for the old saying “Better judged by 12 than carried by 6.” There is so much fear. So much hate.

How about a new normal? One where we consume less, making life simpler and easier to manage while improving the environment and still being productive? One where we accept and appreciate each other’s strengths and differences and needs? One where everyone tries to practice radical acceptance and loving kindness? I think we can do it, if we will simply use our Wise Minds instead of our fear and hate to determine what we will and won’t do.

Being non-judgmental

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“Be non-judgmental in your own thoughts, feelings and beliefs.” – Mindfulness, T. Rowan ed.

Such a simple statement, yet so hard to do. We naturally judge everything at all times. It is part of being human. Most of us are harder on ourselves than others, on top of that. It can really build up over the course of a day, much less a lifetime.

We are taught early on to determine the worth and worthiness of everything and everyone we encounter. We are taught the values of our role models, for better or worse. We watch how they react to and treat other people. That is a new set of rules to include in the young mind. We watch what they consider worth having/doing. We were taught what to pursue and what to do to be worthwhile.

Sometimes judging is good. Picking the good bread instead of the moldy piece. The good milk instead of the sour. The person who will validate and support you instead of the one who weakens and hurts you. These decisions help us function and thrive.

Other judgements cause pain and undue suffering. They weigh us down with negativity. Racism is an obvious example of this sort of judging. Valuing the pursuit of money or promotion in a prestigious career can also add to the weight carried by the soul. People have valued these things, but in reality they do not help the person grow or thrive. Most people are particularly severe in the judging of self — thoughts, dreams, hopes, goals, work, endeavors.

Learning not to value yourself, judging yourself to be less than others, is a hard lesson to unlearn. Even harder than learning not to judge others. If your parent or care giver does not validate you, instead they belittle you and every effort you make, it is welded into your psyche that you are unworthy and you must strive to become worthy of love and respect. I was taught that I was ugly, stupid, a burden. My father’s favorite words to me were “you’re so stupid you could make a saint curse,” even as I earned academic awards for highest grades and test taking skills. When I made something, my parents rarely even bothered to keep it. They usually threw it away, often in front of me. These things taught me to devalue myself and anything I did or made. They taught me I had no right to expect anything and that I would never be good enough.

Those lessons weighed me down. Made me a victim that allowed myself to be hurt and abused. They told me it was both my fault and my job to let my grandfather sexually abuse me. I didn’t have friends. I didn’t think I was good enough for anyone to want to be around. Anything I could do well wasn’t worth doing, because I could do it. More links in a heavy chain around my heart and soul. I lived with those and thought I didn’t even deserve to live. I used to hope to die so I wouldn’t keep disappointing everyone and bothering them by being alive. I didn’t think I could be a success at anything worth doing.

I first stopped judging others. Learning to accept and love people as they are, not as I think they should be. Now, I’m even reaching the point that I don’t have preconceived notions of what a person should be. That has taken a lot of work. Miles of ink on paper written to get ideas and “rules” out of my head, where they were cemented by my early experiences. I would catch myself (still do sometimes, I’m not perfect) and stop and say “They are just as they should be and need to be.” Radical acceptance and love for everyone are key to ending the judging cycle. Letting go of those judgements was very freeing. It feels good to love people.

Next, came the hardest part. Learning not to judge myself. My thoughts, feelings, actions, beliefs. I still hear my parents’ voices telling me terrible things about myself (“you’re so stupid”) or what I had done (“you ruined my life”). I have to fight those voices. I am slowly learning that I am worthy. I am enough. I am a success. No, I don’t make millions or lead a large group or influence everyone. I have a cozy little house, a good marriage, a cute dog, a job I enjoy, and crafts to make and things to bake and a garden to grow. I am learning not to punish myself for being myself. It is hard. Every day I get a little better at it. Sometimes I can go entire hours without hearing that mean little voice in my head. I am learning to accept myself as I am and know that I am a human being.

Is it summer, yet?

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It is hot enough. It is sunny enough. The storms have begun. But, I always think of summer as a happy time, and I don’t think people are very happy at the moment. I see lots of fear. Fear of sickness. Fear of others. Fear of government. Fear of the economy. Fear of the unknown. Lets face it, this year has been a real doozy of a year. So many things have happened to hurt people. What could be coming now?

I don’t know. But, I do know that if we work together, we can make it through. Most people are so busy reacting to things they don’t understand, know, or control, that they are missing all the good things in life. Mindfulness would work wonders on the people of this world. I know it’s hard, but try to accept what is. Live intentionally. Prepare for your best. Don’t react wildly and out of control. You can’t change things or other people, but you can change how you react.

Fear is a feeling. It is a warning that there might be something to deal with. But that is all it is, unless you give it the power to control you. Fear without your strength, dwindles to nothing and passes you by, wiser, but not weaker. Imagine standing out side your home. A rain cloud is coming. You have to get things done outside. You have a choice. Curse the rain and put things off; hate the rain and be miserable while doing what needs doing; or sing in the rain and enjoy the feeling of the cool water running down your face while you do your thing. Not matter what you choose, the rain will stop. The difference is whether or not you have accomplished anything and how you’ve made yourself feel. The rain is not there to harm you. In fact, without rain we wouldn’t have food to eat, water to drink or wash with, or swim and play in. We need the rain. It us up to each of us to decide how to deal with the rain. Fear is like that, too. Fear has a purpose, to alert you to the conditions and lack of knowledge. It is up to you how you react to the fear. Do you let it ruin your day? Make you do things you later regret? Do you let it make you take your pain/uncertainty out on others? Or do you accept the notification that something needs your attention and you need to react to it, and let the negative go? It is hard, but once you learn to let the fear pass by, it is amazingly empowering. You are in control. No one else. Not the fear, the weather, the economy, other people. You are. No, this doesn’t make you all powerful, but it does make you stronger and better.

So, check out a guided meditation. Read a book on mindfulness. Take a yoga class. Write in a journal. Think before you act. Aim for goodness and love, not darkness and hate. And remember, your feelings are not who you are or what you are. They are simply little wisps of thought passing through your mind. They only have power if you give it to them.