Frustration with slow progress

/ lafbatblog / Leave a comment

I am trying not to let myself get down heartened. I want to lose weight faster, but that just isn’t healthy or sustainable. I know this in my mind, but don’t feel it in my heart. So, how can I remain focused and motivated and keep making progress?

First of all, I need to do some major journaling. Reflecting on the following things: 1) I am over a 100 pounds lighter than I was at this time a year ago; 2) my clothes that I wore last year are way too big now; 3) my body doesn’t hurt like it used to; 4) my doctor is very pleased with all of my progress; and 5) people are really starting to notice.

To do this, I will start by listing all of the good things that are happening now because of how far I have gone. The 5 major things above, and any other little thing I can brainstorm and dump onto the paper. I will note all the positive things I am doing now, like how I care enough to moisturize my skin, which I never did before losing this weight. There are bound to be at least a 100 things. Maybe I’ll list them in my next post.

Secondly, I will evaluate how hard/difficult it is to keep doing what I am doing. I’ll list all the pro’s and con’s for each thing. I will determine whether the pro’s or the con’s are stronger, and adjust my actions accordingly. Kind of making a quilt of strategies and reasons. I’ll probably color code it, because I love color and have to have at least a few hundred pens and markers in my stash. It will help me see what is going on in my life and how I have control over my actions, and earn the outcome.

Third, I will brain dump all the things I hope to do, no plan to do, once I have reached my goal. What would make me satisfied and content? What would make my soul joyous? What would improve my life? I think I’ll make a vision board to support this part of my journaling. I need to help my mind, body, and soul see the good things that will come of continuing my efforts.

’cause let’s face it. Losing weight is a lot of work. I’ve come so far. I’ve never lost this much weight before. I never want to get close to 400 lbs. again. I was miserable and hated life. Now, I actually like life. I want to be alive and do things. I spent most of my life not wanting to be alive. I’ve finally stopped that, quitting a bad habit or getting rid of the security blanket that keeps you wrapped up so tightly that you cannot move. I have to keep working to convince myself that I do need to keep doing things for myself and improve my life. I’m kind of like the old cliche of the butterfly from the cocoon. (I love butterflies, so why not?) I am free to live now, and I want to keep doing it. I’m going to clear my head and find the happiness in what I am doing, stop looking at it like it’s work or a chore. It is what makes me feel good.

The trials of being patient

/ lafbatblog / Leave a comment

Know how it feels when you really want something, but you have to wait for it? It’s like you’re being teased by the universe. You know what it is. You know what you want. You even know what you have to do to get it. Yet, it’s just not getting to you fast enough.

Weight loss is a lot like that. You know what you need to do. Relearn how you eat. Relearn how you approach food. Learn to be active. Learn to pacify you inner child/demons/neuroses without food. And keep doing it. It is a lot of long, hard work to do to undo the harm you’ve done to yourself over the years.

Sometimes, it’s kind of like that cartoon where the woman ate a salad then weighs to see if she lost any weight, yet. You know you’re doing the right things. You know it’s hard to do the right things. It seems like it’s taking forever for you have progress toward your goal. It makes it difficult to keep working at weight loss. I don’t know about you, but I can easily gain 5-6 lbs in one day. Losing, not so much. I’ve averaged about 1 pound a week. Some weeks I manage more. Every now and then I go the wrong way. But, I am getting there.

Maybe it would be easier if I could actually see that I’m making progress. No one just comes up to me and says “Wow! You’ve lost a lot of weight!” No one except my WW coach gives me validation. I look in the mirror, and I don’t see any difference. I “know” I’m down 114 lbs. I don’t “feel” I’m down 114lbs. I guess I should, but I don’t. Even though I can list a lot of ways that show me I am succeeding at losing weight. I can sit in my car seat without my belly rubbing against the steering wheel, by several inches. My pants that I wore just a couple of months ago, now fall off of me. My underwear is even falling off of me! I can fit in the booth at a restaurant. So why don’t I see it?

It is true, I’m still wearing my clothes as large and loose as possible. I don’t feel safe in clothes that actually let someone see my body. When I look in the mirror, I still see a huge blob of fat. Every now and then, I’ll catch sight of myself in a mirror and not realize it is me at first. When I do that, I usually think “Wow! I don’t look so bad!”

I’m still not where I want to be. I need to keep losing weight. Another 100 lbs. or so. My doctor says she’d be cool with another 80. I just have to be patient with the process. It will work. It is working. I need to keep reminding myself that it is successful, and I will get there. I write it in my journal. I write it here. I meditate on it. I reflect on it. It WILL happen.

The losing battle with food

/ lafbatblog / Leave a comment

Sigh. I have gone from plenty of points on WW to having to stretch them out. Every decade I’ve lost has meant losing a point from my daily allowance. At times, it seems so unfair. I’ve worked hard and come far, but I have to keep working even harder. Is it worth it?

I do feel better. I fit in public places now. I’ve gone from a size 32 to a 28, and those are starting to fall off of me. My husband says I’m even more beautiful (yes, he does wear glasses). I’m rewarding myself with nonfood items. But, I still love food. I’m learning not to use it to fill the empty space inside. I’m learning that if I slow down and pay attention, the food does actually taste good. I’m learning that no one is going to take my food away from me. I’m learning that I won’t run out of food if I don’t eat every bite I can stuff down my throat. There will be more food later, if I actually need it. I’m getting more and more active. I’ve gone from barely a 1,000 steps a day to nearly 5,000 steps a day. All positive things. So why am I bothered that I can’t eat as much as I used to?

Up until the last year, I stuffed myself with all the food I could get, no matter what it tasted like or whether or not it was good for me. I tried to fill the emptiness with the food. I tried to think I was in control and not a food addict. Trust me, the food was calliing all of the shots. So what changed?

I finally found a doctor who was willing to help me lose weight without forcing me to have surgery. I’m on Ozempic, which slows down my appetite; Vyvanse to help me stop the binges. It is worth the upset stomach to have help eating less. Of course, it only hurts when I try to eat too much, so it’s negative reinforcement of my eating behaviors.

These days, I try to eat like a skinny person. Not the one who eats tons and never gains an ounce. The one that doesn’t let food rule them. I have learned, it is true, the first few bites taste the best. If you eat slowly and pay attention to your food, you do get satisfied with a lot less. Taking time to prepare good, healthy food does make you appreciate the good food. If I don’t eat all of my meal, I either save it for lunch the next day or put it in the trash. I once heard at a WW meeting, it either goes to waste or the waist. You don’t have to be a member of the clean plate club. The starving children in the rest of the world won’t be any better off if you eat everything or don’t.

So, back to my original conundrum. Why does it bother me that I am getting 11 fewer points now than when I started? My weekly points have even gone down by 7. That bothers me, too. I know I don’t need to eat as much. There isn’t as much of me to feed. I actually find that I rarely want to stuff myself like I used to. I know I’ll feel better physically and mentally if I eat until I’m satisfied, not full.

What is going on in my head? I suspect that I am feeling rebelious, like a child. Maybe my inner child is the voice in my head throwing a fit about having fewer points. I need to find a way to handle the voice and continue on my journey. I write about it in my journal. I am trying to shift my point of view. Instead of viewing the new point number as a loss, I am trying to train myself to see it in my mind and feel it in my heart as an accomplishment. I’ve worked hard not to need so much food. I am getting there. I’ve lost 110 lbs. so far. That is something I can be proud of. I am succeeding. I am not losing. I am winning.

Move that body

/ lafbatblog / 1 Comment

I have to admit that I have a tough time getting myself to exercise. I’d much rather read a book or do some crafts. But, sitting is the new smoking, so shouldn’t I try to do something about it?

I actually feel good when I work out. The endorphins and the accelerated pulse make me feel physically good. The act of doing the work out makes me feel pride in myself and hope that I will reach my health goals. I even have time to work out. So why do I struggle to keep it going?

As my WW leader says, you can lose weight without exercise, but you’ll never maintain it unless you stay active. I know this is true. So why have I kept working out in bursts and not kept it up? I feel good when I do it, so what reasons do I have to NOT work out?

Some of it comes from my depression and desire to crawl into a nice dark corner and hide from the world. I know people think I’m disgusting to look at because I am fat. I always feel stressed when I eat in front of strangers. I’m sure they are thinking that I don’t need to eat and that I waddle everywhere I go. I just know they think I’m as graceful as a walrus. So you definitely won’t catch me doing a public workout.

So, what to do? First of all, I need to find my own safe place and time to exercise. I need to know I won’t be judged or ridiculed. So, I work out at home, away from prying eyes. Secondly, I have to remind myself that it actually feels good to get my body moving. Remember the endorphins and how well my body can move. Third, remember my goal. I am going to lose another 90-100 lbs. It will take some time, but I will get there. Faster if I keep moving than if I don’t move.

Every morning I walk laps in my house. A couple times a week I hide in my bedroom and workout with weights and pilates. I keep reminding myself that it is good for me. I use cheerleading statements to keep myself going. Music helps maintain my momentum. And I do see progress. I’m down 110 lbs. now. I have worked hard to do it, and I’ll keep on working and moving my body.

Keeping up with the keeping up

/ lafbatblog / Leave a comment

I have been on this weight loss journey most of my life. This time, it seems that I am actually succeeding. I’m down 100 lbs. now. I still have a way to go. So how do I keep it up?

I am focusing on portion control and mindful eating. I allow myself to eat what I am wanting, only I eat it slowly and enjoy it. Then I stop when I’m satisfied, not full. What is the difference?

Well, being satisfied, for me, means that I have enjoyed eating the food. I prepared the food to my own specifications. I focused on the food as I ate. I took time to experience the taste, the scent, the texture. I stop eating when the food stops tasting as good. You know, the first few bites are always the best ones. It used to be that I would keep on eating, chasing that elusive first bite taste. Eating more and more, even after I was full. I’d keep going until it hurt. And I still wasn’t satisfied or fulfilled. All it ended up giving me was a feeling of powerlessness and emptiness, some guilt, and an upset stomach.

I’ve learned that I feel better if I don’t eat until I’m full. I heard somewhere that Japanese people who live really long lives say to stop eating when you’re 80% full. That is what started me on this reasoning. I also did a lot of reading on mindful eating. I learned that taking my time and eating less actually makes the food I do eat taste better. I feel more satisfied and in control. I don’t think that I have to eat it all because there isn’t any more coming or someone is going to take it away from me.

I used to think that I wasn’t allowed to have food. My mom and dad would actually hide food from me. Make me stop eating when they decided I should. I had very little control over my eating habits. I developed some serious issues and an addiction to food. Once I could get food for myself, I ate it all like it was going to disappear. I tried to soothe myself with huge quantities of food. Trying to fill the whole inside. It didn’t work. I finally understand that. I wasn’t in control, the food was.

So, how do I keep it up? I do a lot of reflective writing in my journal. I work through my feelings instead of trying to eat them. I eat mindfully. That means slowly, calmly, attentively, and serenely. I remind myself that I am in control now, not the food or my parents.

I am starting to see a difference in my body and my mind. I feel stronger and more competent. I know I can do this if I keep taking good care of myself and being patient with myself.

What do you do when your mojo has left you behind?

/ lafbatblog / Leave a comment

We’ve all been there. The honeymoon phase of the diet is over. You’re struggling to keep yourself going. So, how do you get past this fork in the road and keep moving toward success?

I have been slowing down the past few weeks. Longing for “forbidden fruit.” I have given in a couple of times, and my progress has slowed down. I have been trouble remembering why it is more important to reach my goal than to treat myself in the short term. So what am I going to do about it?

First, I’m going to remind myself that I am a long way from where I started. I am down 86 lbs. That is not a small achievement. In fact, my doctor said it is extremely rare for someone to lose so much without surgery. I can log onto my WW account and see a graph of my progress. That is encouraging me to keep it up. I’ve come this far, I don’t want to stop now.

Second, I’m going to practice self love. I am making progress. I don’t have to be perfect. No one is perfect. I am doing the best I can with the tools I have. That is all I can ask of myself. It is all anyone can reasonably ask of me.

Third, I’m going to remember what my WW leader says. You have to be able to keep up the changes you make for the rest of your life. So, is it really going to be possible for me to never eat cake or a cheeseburger? Give up bread? Stop drinking fruit smoothies? No more chocolate? Nope. That would be the kind of life that would be long, but not satisfying. I deserve to be healthy, but I also deserve to be happy.

Lastly, I’m going to look at myself. There is room between my belly and the steering wheel now. I am wearing pants that I haven’t worn in 20 years. I’m feeling brave enough to buy lingerie for the first time in 30 years. I am sleeping better. I am moving more, and it doesn’t hurt! I am enjoying life for the first time in as long as I can remember.

So, do I have my motivation back? Yes, I do. I will be mindful and see the beauty and happiness in my life. I will know I am worth the extra time I spend walking and working out and taking care of my body. I will accept that I love cheeseburgers, bread, cake, and chocolate, and that life would be much sadder without them. Can I keep losing weight and still enjoy things that make me happy? Yes, I can.

I’ll keep walking more and more every day. I’ll keep getting the dumbbells out and strengthening my body. I’ll keep moisturizing my skin. I’ll keep eating smaller portions than I used to. I’ll pay attention to my progress and how good I am feeling. I will keep going!

Why is it important to lose weight?

/ lafbatblog / Leave a comment

The answer varies from person to person, but in general it comes down to feeling better and living better, doesn’t it? I am working hard to lose weight because; 1) I’m tired of not fitting into chairs in public, 2) I am tired of having to buy my clothes online, 3) I’m tired of feeling incompetent, and 4) I’m tired of being ashamed. Sadly, my health is well down the line in my list of whys. I bet I’m not alone in that.

We live in a world that tells us if we aren’t a size 0 we’re worthless. I grew up hearing how disgusting I was because I was fat. All that negativity haunts me to this day. Some times I can actually feel pretty for a minute or two. Then, I look in the mirror and see myself and realize I am just a fat blob and that trying to look good is like putting lipstick on a pig.

I used to envy anorexics. I used to think they were the only pretty people. Then one day, I actually looked at them. They never look happy. They don’t look healthy. And they aren’t any prettier than anyone else. So I realized, I can look good and feel good about myself without being a size 0. I’ll never reach that size, even if I starve myself.

I have to have a different why. WW says your why is the key to your success. I think that is true. You have to have something to keep you motivated to take good care of yourself and be healthier. My new why is to feel good about myself, no matter what anyone else says. I am important. I do matter. I can be as happy as I make up my mind to be. Taking good care of myself makes me feel better and gives me a better life. No more punishing myself because I was taught that you have to make yourself miserable to deserve anything good in your life. What a screwy way of thinking!

So what do I mean by taking good care of myself? Eat healthy. Watch the way your food is prepared and how much of it you eat. Drink a lot of water every day. Be more active (my current goal is 30 minutes a day, 5 days a week). Actually clean and moisturize your skin and hair. Meditate and be mindful. Live in the moment and let go of the past and its pain (I journal a lot to accomplish this one).

What is your why? How do you achieve your goal?

Oh no, the binge monster won a round.

/ lafbatblog / Leave a comment

I lost to the binge monster earlier this week. I have been trying not to give in to the might-as-wells and the you-suck-you-losers every since. I am having to consciously stop and remind myself, I am human. I don’t have to be perfect to succeed. I can start, again. And one mistake doesn’t ruin all the work I have done. Being mindful, accepting, and nonjudgemental of myself is hard. I still hear my parents telling me how fat and disgusting I was/am. Sometimes it is hard to quiet those voices.

I have to write my feelings out and respond to them as I would respond to someone else that I value. Putting it in writing takes it out of my head and allows me to reflect and analyze my thoughts and impulses. It stops my self destruction.

But, why did I lose in the first place? I think it was a combination of things. Missing my mom (first Mother’s Day after her death), feeling like a fraud (praised by my new doctor for losing so much weight), and being at home alone for a week (between semesters at work). My mind can be quite the toxic swamp. I have thought about those things.

Missing mom — I don’t really remember getting support or validation from her. She taught me that I was inferior in every way. I guess when you’re used to being put down, it feels more comfortable and safer than having someone place real expectations on you. I have to remind my hurt inner child (Lorie Ann) that it is OK. It is OK to love and care for myself. I can succeed. I will succeed.

Feeling like a fraud — one of those self-fulfilling prophecies. My new doctor complimented me. She said that it was very rare for someone to lose so much weight (70 lbs) without surgery. I know I’ve worked hard to achieve this goal. I know I can get to my ultimate goal if I just keep going. I’m always afraid that people will find out that I’m not as good at things as they think I am. I find it hard to accept that I can do anything right or well. I have to consciously tell Lorie Ann that we are good at doing things and we are not frauds.

Being alone– With no one to distract me, I get lost in the swamp of my negative thoughts. I didn’t spend time reading or even watching TV. I just sat there and marinated in my quagmire. I know better than that. I’ve had way too much therapy not to realize that it is the worst thing I can possibly do to myself. I need to reach out to others. Write letters to my pen pals. Check out friends on Facebook. Text or call someone I can depend on. Accept that I need help from others to see the positives, and ask for it, take it, and move on.

So, even WW was about getting more results being gentle, kind, and compassionate with yourself than beating up/belittling yourself. It is true. More flies with honey after all. So how to do it. Well, build mastery and focus on what you do well. Strengthen your problem spots by work and patient effort. Remind yourself, you are a wonderful creation and it doesn’t matter if others are too blind to see your worth. Don’t let them define you. You are your own person. It is up to you to decide what you are and what you are worth.

Stuffing your feelings

/ lafbatblog / 1 Comment

Emotional eating. The bane of my dieting existence. Why do I do it? To avoid my feelings? To have an illusion of control? Both of them?

This month Weight Watchers is talking about eating (when/where/what/why). Emotional eating definitely has been discussed. It helps to hear others’ ways of dealing with the problems and urges. Get busy doing a craft. Go for a walk. Talk to a friend. Journal. Most of them are strategies that distract you from the urge. I find that doesn’t work for me. I have to take the urge by the horns, break it down, and deal with it. If you can distract yourself until it passes, great! I just can’t when I’m really in the throes of a binge.

We all eat based on emotions to some extent. Some of us handle it well. Being in the mood for nachos and eating 3 or 4 chips and being satisfied. Then there are people like me, who eat the whole platter intended to serve 4 and want more. I am applying the lesson I learned early in life. Food makes you feel better. It keeps you from being sad or lonely. It gives you the feeling that you are in control of something in your life. All are misleading. The feelings are still there. You are just as powerless to control things when you’re eating. In fact, you are even more out of control, thanks to the power of food.

I’ve been struggling the past few days. It was a year ago that my mother fell, broke her hip and went into rehab. She never came out. I spent May watching her slow, painful death. I think it was her MS ultimately. At the end, she couldn’t see, speak, eat, or anything. I still feel like I should have been able to do more. So of course, I’ve been eating things left and right. Anything that isn’t tied down looks appetizing. I’m trying to stop feeling bad and start feeling like I do have some power to exert control over the world. It isn’t working. 😦

I needed to stop and think. Reflect. Be mindful. I sat down with my journal, and listed all the things that I think are making me feel bad and powerless. Once I had that list, for each item I wrote the facts of the situation. Next, I wrote my feelings and irrational thoughts for each thing. Then, I wrote what I could actually do and how to do it for each thing. Finally, I made a plan of action, acknowledged my feelings and accepted that I cannot control everything or fix everything for my loved ones.

And you know what? I actually stopped eating everything in sight. I know I’m not the one in total control, but I noted my abilities to affect change or improvement. I told myself it’s OK to be grieving my mom. It’s OK to want to help everyone. It’s also OK to do what I can and then let the rest go. It isn’t easy. It took lots of work for me to reach this point. Meditation. Reflection. Journaling. Therapy. Hard work. I have earned my peace of mind and I have learned how to develop it for myself. You see, you can’t rely on someone else to soothe the pain or lessen the fear. You have to do it for yourself.

Once you’ve taken care of your thoughts, letting them go like clouds scuttling across the sky, you find contentment and inner joy in life. The need to eat everything dissipates. You can use your lifestyle tools to eat sensibly and feel satisfied. You can go on with life and love yourself.

So, how do you know if you’re really hungry?

/ lafbatblog / Leave a comment

Weight Watchers (WW) last week was all about distinguishing internal hunger cues from external hunger cues. For example, watching a commercial and suddenly craving the food it shows is definitely external. Everyone has different internal cues. My personal ones are a headache, shaky hands, and I start to feel nauseous (which makes it a little weird when I’m eating sometimes). It’s important that you figure out your own signals. The best way would be to keep a food journal, listing when/what/how you feel/time/place for each time you eat. I like to keep mine in a diet journal. It helps you understand your body and mind. Knowing which one is calling the shots is very helpful.

What do you so when you are craving something? I find I need to give in and eat a little of it or I’ll eat the whole house trying to satisfy the urge. I am getting better at distracting myself from the urge, though. I use IMPROVE from DBT and “vacations”. Both come down to creating a different setting for yourself, away from the influences that are fooling you into the craving. Go to your happy place. Let’s face it, most of the time when I get cravings it’s because I am NOT in a good place. Someone has said something mean about my size. When my mom was dying was a terrible one. When the scale goes up and I know I didn’t eat that poorly. Or when the scale just doesn’t go down. Maybe your significant other brought home some baked goodies (my personal weakness). No matter what it is, you have to find a way to separate yourself from the current situation. Go on that mental vacation. Picture clouds moving across the sky or waves on the beach or a rainy storm, wiping away the urge. Meditate on it. Once you stop the squirrel mind, you can get back into a good place, and not give in to the urges.

So far, I’m down 40 pounds. Only 130 pounds to go. I’ve been on the dreaded plataue for the past couple of weeks. That has not helped my frame of mind. I’m working hard not to give in to the you-might-as-well-eat-everything-because-you’re-a weak failure state of mind. Lots of meditating and journaling. Self soothing without food. I hope to have broken through the plataue this week. Cross your fingers for me.