Author: lafbatblog

Being non-judgmental

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“Be non-judgmental in your own thoughts, feelings and beliefs.” – Mindfulness, T. Rowan ed.

Such a simple statement, yet so hard to do. We naturally judge everything at all times. It is part of being human. Most of us are harder on ourselves than others, on top of that. It can really build up over the course of a day, much less a lifetime.

We are taught early on to determine the worth and worthiness of everything and everyone we encounter. We are taught the values of our role models, for better or worse. We watch how they react to and treat other people. That is a new set of rules to include in the young mind. We watch what they consider worth having/doing. We were taught what to pursue and what to do to be worthwhile.

Sometimes judging is good. Picking the good bread instead of the moldy piece. The good milk instead of the sour. The person who will validate and support you instead of the one who weakens and hurts you. These decisions help us function and thrive.

Other judgements cause pain and undue suffering. They weigh us down with negativity. Racism is an obvious example of this sort of judging. Valuing the pursuit of money or promotion in a prestigious career can also add to the weight carried by the soul. People have valued these things, but in reality they do not help the person grow or thrive. Most people are particularly severe in the judging of self — thoughts, dreams, hopes, goals, work, endeavors.

Learning not to value yourself, judging yourself to be less than others, is a hard lesson to unlearn. Even harder than learning not to judge others. If your parent or care giver does not validate you, instead they belittle you and every effort you make, it is welded into your psyche that you are unworthy and you must strive to become worthy of love and respect. I was taught that I was ugly, stupid, a burden. My father’s favorite words to me were “you’re so stupid you could make a saint curse,” even as I earned academic awards for highest grades and test taking skills. When I made something, my parents rarely even bothered to keep it. They usually threw it away, often in front of me. These things taught me to devalue myself and anything I did or made. They taught me I had no right to expect anything and that I would never be good enough.

Those lessons weighed me down. Made me a victim that allowed myself to be hurt and abused. They told me it was both my fault and my job to let my grandfather sexually abuse me. I didn’t have friends. I didn’t think I was good enough for anyone to want to be around. Anything I could do well wasn’t worth doing, because I could do it. More links in a heavy chain around my heart and soul. I lived with those and thought I didn’t even deserve to live. I used to hope to die so I wouldn’t keep disappointing everyone and bothering them by being alive. I didn’t think I could be a success at anything worth doing.

I first stopped judging others. Learning to accept and love people as they are, not as I think they should be. Now, I’m even reaching the point that I don’t have preconceived notions of what a person should be. That has taken a lot of work. Miles of ink on paper written to get ideas and “rules” out of my head, where they were cemented by my early experiences. I would catch myself (still do sometimes, I’m not perfect) and stop and say “They are just as they should be and need to be.” Radical acceptance and love for everyone are key to ending the judging cycle. Letting go of those judgements was very freeing. It feels good to love people.

Next, came the hardest part. Learning not to judge myself. My thoughts, feelings, actions, beliefs. I still hear my parents’ voices telling me terrible things about myself (“you’re so stupid”) or what I had done (“you ruined my life”). I have to fight those voices. I am slowly learning that I am worthy. I am enough. I am a success. No, I don’t make millions or lead a large group or influence everyone. I have a cozy little house, a good marriage, a cute dog, a job I enjoy, and crafts to make and things to bake and a garden to grow. I am learning not to punish myself for being myself. It is hard. Every day I get a little better at it. Sometimes I can go entire hours without hearing that mean little voice in my head. I am learning to accept myself as I am and know that I am a human being.

Is it summer, yet?

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It is hot enough. It is sunny enough. The storms have begun. But, I always think of summer as a happy time, and I don’t think people are very happy at the moment. I see lots of fear. Fear of sickness. Fear of others. Fear of government. Fear of the economy. Fear of the unknown. Lets face it, this year has been a real doozy of a year. So many things have happened to hurt people. What could be coming now?

I don’t know. But, I do know that if we work together, we can make it through. Most people are so busy reacting to things they don’t understand, know, or control, that they are missing all the good things in life. Mindfulness would work wonders on the people of this world. I know it’s hard, but try to accept what is. Live intentionally. Prepare for your best. Don’t react wildly and out of control. You can’t change things or other people, but you can change how you react.

Fear is a feeling. It is a warning that there might be something to deal with. But that is all it is, unless you give it the power to control you. Fear without your strength, dwindles to nothing and passes you by, wiser, but not weaker. Imagine standing out side your home. A rain cloud is coming. You have to get things done outside. You have a choice. Curse the rain and put things off; hate the rain and be miserable while doing what needs doing; or sing in the rain and enjoy the feeling of the cool water running down your face while you do your thing. Not matter what you choose, the rain will stop. The difference is whether or not you have accomplished anything and how you’ve made yourself feel. The rain is not there to harm you. In fact, without rain we wouldn’t have food to eat, water to drink or wash with, or swim and play in. We need the rain. It us up to each of us to decide how to deal with the rain. Fear is like that, too. Fear has a purpose, to alert you to the conditions and lack of knowledge. It is up to you how you react to the fear. Do you let it ruin your day? Make you do things you later regret? Do you let it make you take your pain/uncertainty out on others? Or do you accept the notification that something needs your attention and you need to react to it, and let the negative go? It is hard, but once you learn to let the fear pass by, it is amazingly empowering. You are in control. No one else. Not the fear, the weather, the economy, other people. You are. No, this doesn’t make you all powerful, but it does make you stronger and better.

So, check out a guided meditation. Read a book on mindfulness. Take a yoga class. Write in a journal. Think before you act. Aim for goodness and love, not darkness and hate. And remember, your feelings are not who you are or what you are. They are simply little wisps of thought passing through your mind. They only have power if you give it to them.

Why so much hate?

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I’ll never understand how people can hate other people so much. I guess it comes down to fear. You fear the unknown, and they don’t know each other, so they don’t like being afraid, so that makes them hate. They must really be afraid of the power of other people to fear and hate them so much. What really surprises me about it all, is that these are the same people who claim to go to church and love God, or at least Jesus. How can they think God or Jesus would want them to act the way they do? I guess if you only think of God as a judge, then it can happen. I prefer to think that God has love and compassion, too. Jesus was big on those two things. So, why aren’t the people who say they follow his teachings? I don’t get it.

Another thing, there is no such thing as a group of people that are all bad or all good. There are outliers in each. For every corrupt, bad cop there are 100’s of good cops who really want to help people. For every violent looter, there are 1000’s of peaceful people who wouldn’t harm anyone. For every crazy zealot, there are 1000’s of loving, kind people. You can’t let the rotten apple turn you off to all apples forever.

So, people need a dose of DBT. Stop judging. Start accepting. Try to understand. Let everyone have the same rights you think you do and we’ll all get along a whole lot better.

Your Mind is a Rose

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After watching my garden wake up this spring, it occurred to me that opening one’s mind is like a rose blooming. Everyone’s mind is beautiful, in its own way. No two are exactly alike, just like the roses blooming in my garden. There are different colors, different scents, different shapes.

When you are young, your mind is like the tight, new rosebud. Closed to the hatred and meanness of the world. The bud shows promise, and teases you with the possibilities that it holds. Just like a young mind. As you learn and explore, your mind swells with knowledge like the bud swells with new petals and nectar. Growing and giving a glimpse of what is to be.

Then, you really start learning and finding out new things for yourself. Some of them good. Some of them bad. Some of them painful. The sepals start to open. The rose is nearly ready to show you what she has.

Finally, the rose opens. Petals and scent spilling out and making the world even more beautiful than before. Your mind is like that, once you have grown into yourself. You add joy and beauty and ideas and kindness to the world. Other people are drawn to it like the bee is drawn to the rose. The gorgeous colors, scents, shapes combine to make a unique experience that no other rose can truly replicate. So it is with your mind. No one else will ever be you. No one has ever been you. You are unique, precious, and wonderful. Just like a new rose.

 

Broken Means Beautiful

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This is a meme that I really like.

It tells me that feeling broken isn’t necessarily a bad thing. In fact, it adds to your beauty. Think about the butterfly. It doesn’t exist until the caterpillar is totally broken apart and recycled into a whole new creature. Most people think the butterfly is far more beautiful than the caterpillar. But, you can’t have one without the other. The organism has to be a caterpillar. It has to be completely broken. It has to be recycled and rebuilt. Then, and only then, does it become the butterfly. The butterfly doesn’t last for long. Maybe as a reminder that all things, good and bad, will come to an end. So enjoy them while they are here, and let them go when it is time for them to pass into the past.

I often feel broken. Many people do. I am learning though, to change how I view the nature of being broken. There are many uplifting quotes (broken to let the light in, broken crayons still color, etc.). All of them have their own truth. Breaking is painful, but necessary to grow and develop. You can’t become unless you let go of what was and the old you that held you down. Be the butterfly! Come back stronger and even more beautiful from the breaking than you were before the breaking!

Seedlings and Inertia

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It has been a while since I wrote anything. I blame the inertia of being stuck at home with no one to talk to or do things with. It’s kind of like being stuck within my own head. Not necessarily a good place to be. As the days have passed, it has become darker and the webs thicker and harder to move through. So, I’m finally making progress through the webs and into the spring sun.

There is nothing I can do to stop the process, that I am not already doing (staying home, making masks, using technology to connect to others). So that means it is time to enlist that DBR skill, radical acceptance. I don’t like the situation or approve of it, but I can acknowledge it as it is, and make the best of the situation. To that end, I have been doing things here at home to make myself master of what I can. I am taking online classes. German through Babel, and a computer science class from Harvard (free). I am enjoying the stimulation of learning new things. I have been working in my garden. I have new seeds coming up, stretching to the sun and being happy to be alive. I am making crafts. Crochet, cross stitch, and book making. I hope to make a substantial dent in the Christmas presents for this year while I’m stuck here at home.

Ugh, there goes the negativity, again. I can’t change the situation, so I must change my perspective. I have an opportunity to get a lot more done here at home than I would if I weren’t working from home. I get to learn new things. I get to create gifts for others. I get to help Mother Nature spread love and joy. I have time to journal and be mindful about what I am doing. The solitude gives me the chance to think and reflect, not just react. I know that this will change. We cannot exist like this forever. I don’t think we’ll go back to totally normal, but we’ll get close.

My garden is waking up. There are flower seedlings coming up in the flower bed. I can’t wait to see them bloom. All the different colors and shapes and scents lifting my senses and making me happy. I have lettuces ready to harvest! Yummy! I have tomato plants and pepper plants and broccoli, too. I have been moving some of my ferns and my lemon tree outside, along with my ponytail palm. The palm is probably 40 years old. It belonged to my grandmother before I got it. It has lots of new growth on it. The lemon tree is happier outside. I hope it will bloom and set fruit this year. I would love to drink lemonade made from my own lemons. My blueberry bushes and strawberry plants are blooming, too. The happiness they seem to feel calms my soul and reminds me that life will continue, no matter what else happens in the world. The buds and seedlings are breaking through the inertia. Spurring me on to keep doing and being. I am whole. I am content. I feel serene.

It’s finally winter!

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Well, it finally snowed last night. It was like Mother Nature remembered it is winter. It was beautiful. I’ve always liked the way the snow makes everything bright and clean and perfect. It hides the dirt and grime underneath. Some people are like that. They smile and laugh with everyone, but inside is rotten and full of pain. I’ve done that many times. You feel that no one will understand the real you, so you fake it and act like society tells you to. It doesn’t help you in the long run. I’m not sure it even works in the short term. You make the others feel comfortable and happy, but you don’t help yourself.

I’ve worked hard to find my inner peace and serenity. I finally feel congruent, the same inside and outside. I know some people would prefer that I be Miss Perky Bubbles, but that is not me. Those that actually matter to me, know and understand that is not me. They accept that I am more than sunshine and rainbows. I have storm clouds and tornadoes and hurricanes inside me. I sometimes have hard freezes when I don’t let anyone in to my comfort zone. That’s OK. It’s all part of the weather, and without it life wouldn’t work on this planet. I wouldn’t function as a human being without my internal weather. My climate is temperate, subject to changing fronts and seasons. My life thrives under those conditions.

Very few people can live being constantly sunny. Even the happiest people acknowledge the existence of sadness, pain, and need. They have learned that you cannot grow without both extremes and everything in the middle. Your garden won’t grow if it’s always dry sun, or always freezing cold, or torrential rain. It needs the warmth of the sun to make food. It needs the cold to take a break and rest and repair. It needs the rain to soak up so it can move the nutrients around and stand proudly under the sun. Just like us.

Another Year, Another Chance

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Well, I’m another year older. I don’t really feel like I’m that old, but my students would tell me that I am. I have been working hard to treat myself well and be healthier in every way. Self care is big on my to do list. How am I going to do it this year, if I’ve not managed it ever before?

Mindfulness. DBT skills. Self soothing. Crafting. Writing. Those are my weapons of choice against the dreadful inertia of apathy that I have suffered from for so long. If you don’t do anything, nothing will change. So, time to put on my big girl panties and go to work. I am feeling better about myself, now. Modern psychiatry is a wonderful thing. I have a great therapist. For the first time in therapy, I actually feel progress and change. I am actually applying all the skills I’ve spent the past 8 years learning. I feel like a seed, buried in the cold ground. I can feel the sun is up there, and the rain is getting me ready to join the world.

I am making more things. I am crocheting a table runner for my mother, for her Mother’s Day gift. It is ironic that I will put so much time into her gift, when she has always made herself feel better at my expense. But, I do it because I actually enjoy making something beautiful, not because of her. I can’t count on her to validate me. I have learned to validate myself. And I will do that by showing myself what a lovely item I can make.

I am eagerly awaiting the Spring! I have gardening plans and tons of seeds waiting for their chance to grow. Veggies. Herbs. Flowers. I love them all. I used to enjoy working in the garden when I was a kid. Mom had me do it because she said that she was too pale to be out in the sun so much. That turned out to be a good thing for me. I loved it outside and growing things has become a life long love. The work you do, shows and rewards you, no matter what anyone else says or does.

I am starting to branch out a bit, and talk about more things than just DBT. I hope that shows how DBT and mindfulness apply to all the facets of your life. It will help you heal and support yourself, even when no one else will.

Why am I still punishing myself?

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I keep doing it. Old habits are soooo comfortable. Even when they hurt. I eat things I don’t need to eat and in amounts that are totally insane. I ask for help, and the insurance company says, no. So, I’m stuck trying to use my will power, which is anemic at best.

I’m starting over. I’m recommitting to myself. I’ll try to adhere to WW, the portions, the  types of food, the activity. I’m trying to get help from my doctor and therapist, too. Time to journal and track. Think before doing. Take care of me.

I also intend to blog more regularly and apply my DBT skills to this process. Wish me luck!

Why can’t I be nice to myself?

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I find it so easy to hate myself. I was taught well that I have nothing to offer anyone, that I am physically repulsive, stupid, incompetent, a repugnant waste of air. My parents were very good at that. So, I learned to me cruel and hateful to myself, not kind and compassionate. I am working hard to unlearn their lessons.

I would never talk to a friend, or even an enemy, the way I address myself. I am trying to learn new ways of handling myself. I work hard to find affirmations that mean something to me. I try to be mindful and let the negative thoughts pass like clouds in the sky. I have happy journals. They are notebooks that I have written quotes into and pasted images that make me happy. I have tried bullet journaling and tracking food intake. Things to help me help myself. I still  lapse into self loathing.

I am a grown woman. I can’t keep letting the pain of my childhood continue to steal my happiness, today. I am just as worthy as anyone else. I have good qualities and bad ones. I don’t expect to be happy 24/7. I know that is unrealistic. I just want to not feel bad all the time.

I am making a self soothing box/kit. My therapist suggested it. I’m putting items in it that help ground my senses and pull me back from the edge. I need the support. I need to support myself. I was filling out a worksheet she sent me, listing the good things about myself. It was hard. I managed to fill in compliments, skills, making others happy, etc. I just couldn’t think of anything I like about my appearance. I’m morbidly obese. I have gray hair. Fat rolls. Stretch marks. Cellulite. Wrinkles. I think of my hair and skin as greasy and nasty (thanks Mom). My skin has bumps on it (ectopic dermatits) and eczema. My toes are too long. I’m short. I wear glasses. I just can’t seem to find anything positive to say about my body. I’m getting there with my mind and actions, but not my body.

There I go, childhood judgments coloring my world today. I deserve to at least like myself. No one should hate themselves. So, I’ll keep working on it. Getting help from my therapist. Trying to soothe and raise that small girl who was scarred so badly. She was beautiful. I  look at old pictures and really think I was very pretty. I need to get back there. I need to take care of me.