Everyone reaches a point, where they have to make the decision. Is what I’m gaining worth what I’ve given up? How do you make the choice? How do you adjust? How do you make life better?

I am reminded of my WW leader, who tells us often, that what we eat today to lose weight, we have to be able to maintain every day to be successful. If you’ve given up carbs, can you live with never having another piece of bread? a fresh baked cookie? birthday cake? If you became a vegetarian, do you miss huge, messy, greasy cheeseburgers? What did you gain? Is the gain even noticable in your life?

I have to admit, I can’t bring myself to give up bread, baked goods, cheeseburgers. I just gain too much pleasure from them to do it. I know, I know. I should be able to find contentment and happiness without food. But who am I kidding? That’s just not me. I have been losing weight steadily for the past year by allowing myself the things I love/crave, but in moderation. Instead of 3 cheeseburgers, I eat most of one. One cookie instead of a dozen. I was a champion binge eater. I have given up quantity, not quality. And you know what? I do find that acceptable and a worthwhile trade off for getting healthier. I even have to admit I’m feeling better about myself and life in general. I still enjoy food, but I don’t rely on it to get me through the day any more.

It’s has taken me years of therapy to get here. I also have help from my PCP and support from WW. WW is like a group therapy session for me every week. We’re all food addicts. We’re helping each other learn to cope with the urges to binge/eat unhealthy foods. Learning ways to satisfy the need, fill the emptiness, without food. I’ve learned how to make my favorite things healthier, too.

All the work I have done and continue to do requires my mind to be determined and practice mindfulness and radical acceptance. I have gained the ability to accept what is and move on with it. I’ve stopped expecting life to be fair. (Newsflash – it really never is.) I have found that the food I ate was cementing the pain, the loneliness, and the emptiness in place. Now, I’ve torn that wall down. I’m building a new wall of mindfulness and acceptance that allows me to see the world and grow into myself. I carefully select the pieces. They have openings in them. They let things in and out. The old wall not only kept bad things out (so I thought), it kept bad things in and good things out. It was 10 feet of reinforced concrete, a thousand feet high, a thousand feet into the ground. It was my fortress. Tearing down the fortress was hard and scary. But, I have found that I have gained so much.

I’m almost always happy now. Even a bad day now is 100 times better than my good days used to be. I don’t rely on food to comfort myself or hide my feelings. I own my feelings now. I let them in and out of my mind like clouds passing in a clear sky. In losing my ability to cling to them, I gained the ability to feel them and acknowledge then deal with them. As I gave up my binge eating, I became healthier and learned to love myself.

So, in the end, my gains are definitely outweighing the losses. I’ve lost a lot of pain, loneliness, weakness, and fear. I gave up the binges and got a better me.