Month: December 2022

Am I the only one?

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This time of year, according to the “rules of life”, we’re supposed to be happy, give until it hurts, and eat tons of sweets and dinners. We’re supposed to treasure our loved ones and have fun with them. But what if you don’t have good memories of your family? What if they always hurt you?

I used to feel very, very guilty because I didn’t want to be around my family during the holidays. I don’t have any happy memories from Christmas. All I remember is being told I ate too much and was too fat. It was rough. There they were making all of this food: ham, turkey, rolls, sweet potato casserole, dozens of cookies, red velvet cake with cream cheese frosting, and more. It surrounded me. I don’t remember games, singing Christmas carols, never had a white Christmas, or feeling validated. I remember being told I couldn’t have this cake or that cookie. I grew up equating food with being good and loved. So, when I wasn’t allowed to have the food, I thought I was unworthy and unwanted. A nuisance. A waste of space.

What did I do in response? Of course, I snuck food into my room. Gorged on everything I could find, whether I liked it or not. All that mattered was filling the empty space in my soul. I thought I could do it with food. I really, really tried to fill up my soul. I thought if I just ate enough all the pain and emptiness would go away. It was also a way to try to exert some control over my life. It was like bailing out a sinking ship with a seive. Not very effective. In fact, it only made things worse.

Do I still have issues with the holidays? Yes. Even though the people that hurt me so much are no longer around, I now feel guilty because I don’t want them around. You’re supposed to love spending holidays with your family, aren’t you? At least, that is what I always see on all the media. You’re a bad person if you aren’t with your family or don’t want to be around them.

I am so tired of that. I have learned to understand that you don’t have to let others hurt you to earn love. In fact, you shouldn’t have to earn love that way. If they hurt you, they don’t love you, no matter what they say. The love the power they have over you. They don’t deserve that. You deserve to be happy. Content. Serene.

Now, instead of eating 2 dozen sugar cookies in 5 minutes, I’ve learned to write my feelings out. Thanks to therapy, I know it’s OK not to want to be around people that hurt you, no matter what everyone else says. When I do a behavioral chain analysis of my binge eating, I often find that the beginning of the binge is thinking of my family and my past experiences with them. So, how to handle it?

I now stop, allow myself to feel, tell myself it is OK, I am a good person and I deserve to be happy. I tell my inner child that we are safe. No one is going to hurt us. Is it easy to stop and do this? Not always. Some days I can’t manage it at all. But, the good news is that now it works more often than not. I’ve learned to be mindful. Accept, don’t expect. Let go of judgements. See the good and beauty in every moment. I manage this about 80% of the time. The other 20% I have my old demons coming back to control me. Yet, those periods of pain/sorrow/self-hate/dejection are getting shorter and shorter. I don’t always run to the food to try to numb my feelings or fill the hole. It has taken me a lot of work to get here. I have more to do. I accept that I am a human being with all the beauty, feelings, thoughts, flaws, and miracles that it entails. Life is not always good. Sometimes it is rough and tries you. You can’t control what others do or what happens around you. You have to learn to accept it, deal with it or let it go, and move on.

This Christmas, I will be having my half-brother come to see me for Christmas Eve and Christmas Dinner. Our mother died 2 years ago. His father died this past summer. I am his “second momma”. He is 21 years younger than me. I feel good about him coming. I am looking forward to cooking for him. I want to make his Christmas a good one, even though I didn’t have good ones. I’m moving on. I’m creating peace and fulfillment for myself by creating a new Christmas tradition. One in which food is still there, but it is not controlling me. I can eat the cookies, cake, ham, and such with moderation. I can enjoy and not lose control. It will necessitate being mindful and accepting what is, not expecting what isn’t. I can do it. I will do it.

Happy Holidays to All

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It is that time of year. Everyone expects everyone else to be jolly and eat like there is no tomorrow. Lots of cookies, cakes, fudge, pies, and more all over the place. So, what do you do if you are working on losing weight in the middle of all of this?

Well, the traditional answer is abstain from eating any of the yummy sweets. Will that work? Well, yeah, for the short term. Will it make you happy? That depends on how much you value your weight loss over your pleasure. Doing without can be very miserable and lonely. Most people gain some weight this time of year because they are enjoying all the treats. If you don’t enjoy the treats, you will lose weight. If you are one of those rare creatures who actually dislikes sugar and chocolate, you’ll be perfectly happy. If you are a typical person, you won’t. If you’re not happy, you can’t keep doing the same thing. You’ll burn out and quit, trying to recapture your happiness.

What to do? How to succeed and be happy and keep it up for the long term? I have a suggestion or 2 that I hope will help.

First, cope ahead. If you know you’re going to be somewhere that temptation will be running rampant, do things to help reduce the temptation and maintain your health. Eat a healthy snack or meal, so you’re not going to be ready to eat everything in sight. Practice behaviors that allow you to avoid or reduce the amount of treats. If you know a food pusher is going to be there, rehearse how you will speak to them and politely stand up for yourself. Practice moving around the room with a glass of water in your hand so that you are never too near the treats for too long. Keep drinking that water so you are participating, and keeping yourself from getting hungry.

Or, accept that you are going to eat the treats, but practice restraint. Have Grandma’s special pie, just don’t eat the whole thing. Take a few bites of the foods on offer, then stop. Remember, the first few bites taste the best. So don’t keep eating to chase that elusive quality. You won’t find it. This way, you don’t upset anyone, you participate, you don’t punish yourself, and you can keep doing this for the rest of your life. It is possible to have treats and lose weight. Doing this will shed the pounds of pressure, guilt, and loneliness that often come with not participating with everyone else. I know, I know. An adult should be disciplined and mature enough not to give in to peer pressure, but are we really? I’m not. I’ll be having some of the good stuff. I’ll be participating in the party or meal. I’ll let myself enjoy things. And I’ll be mindful when I eat, so that I have control over the amount and content on my plate. In a manner of speaking, I’ll have my cake and eat it, too.