Month: October 2022

Time keeps on slippin’ into the future

/ lafbatblog / Leave a comment

I feel like I am stuck in a tar pit. My weight loss has slowed down. It makes me feel like a failure, even though I know I am not. I am down 119 lbs. I still feel like a beached whale when I look in the mirror. I have friends who tell me I look a lot different, but I can’t see it.

Factually, I have evidence that I have lost weight. All of my pants had to be taken in 5-6″. I’m down a shoe size. Clothes that used to be tight, now fit loosely, even my leggings! I fit in public seating now.

I guess it’s the fact that even though I’ve come a long way, I still have quite a distance to go. It seems disheartening, like waking up Christmas morning and not getting anything in your letter to Santa. Or having a stranger make fun of you or talk loudly about how disgusting you are. It hurts and it makes you wonder if you will ever be worthy, good enough, loved.

Of course, I am my own harshest critic. I love myself the least. It isn’t good for me. I know this, but old habits are hard to break and I still hear my parents voices telling me I’m fat, stupid, disgusting, embarrassing, and a failure. Wow, those voices are loud! I know that they were feeling bad about themselves and tried to feel better by claiming to be superior to me. There are even times when I can shut them up. I deserve better.

I need to dig out my journal and do some serious reflection and problem solving. Create a of list of all the good things about me and that I have done. List the things that are hurting me and brainstorming what to do about them. Creating goals and plans to reach them. I know it will help. I just have to bring myself to get the pen to the paper. It’s like I’m wallowing in the self hatred for some reason, like a pig in a mud puddle. I need to be more like a kitten playing with butterflies. Feeling good, happy, alive. I should be proud of myself. I am a successful, functional adult. I help people all the time. I am taking better care of myself. I am feeling better, happier most of the time. I’ve just got to stop getting stuck in the quagmire of my brain. Accept, not expect. Don’t judge. This, too, shall pass.

I’ve got this!

Frustration with slow progress

/ lafbatblog / Leave a comment

I am trying not to let myself get down heartened. I want to lose weight faster, but that just isn’t healthy or sustainable. I know this in my mind, but don’t feel it in my heart. So, how can I remain focused and motivated and keep making progress?

First of all, I need to do some major journaling. Reflecting on the following things: 1) I am over a 100 pounds lighter than I was at this time a year ago; 2) my clothes that I wore last year are way too big now; 3) my body doesn’t hurt like it used to; 4) my doctor is very pleased with all of my progress; and 5) people are really starting to notice.

To do this, I will start by listing all of the good things that are happening now because of how far I have gone. The 5 major things above, and any other little thing I can brainstorm and dump onto the paper. I will note all the positive things I am doing now, like how I care enough to moisturize my skin, which I never did before losing this weight. There are bound to be at least a 100 things. Maybe I’ll list them in my next post.

Secondly, I will evaluate how hard/difficult it is to keep doing what I am doing. I’ll list all the pro’s and con’s for each thing. I will determine whether the pro’s or the con’s are stronger, and adjust my actions accordingly. Kind of making a quilt of strategies and reasons. I’ll probably color code it, because I love color and have to have at least a few hundred pens and markers in my stash. It will help me see what is going on in my life and how I have control over my actions, and earn the outcome.

Third, I will brain dump all the things I hope to do, no plan to do, once I have reached my goal. What would make me satisfied and content? What would make my soul joyous? What would improve my life? I think I’ll make a vision board to support this part of my journaling. I need to help my mind, body, and soul see the good things that will come of continuing my efforts.

’cause let’s face it. Losing weight is a lot of work. I’ve come so far. I’ve never lost this much weight before. I never want to get close to 400 lbs. again. I was miserable and hated life. Now, I actually like life. I want to be alive and do things. I spent most of my life not wanting to be alive. I’ve finally stopped that, quitting a bad habit or getting rid of the security blanket that keeps you wrapped up so tightly that you cannot move. I have to keep working to convince myself that I do need to keep doing things for myself and improve my life. I’m kind of like the old cliche of the butterfly from the cocoon. (I love butterflies, so why not?) I am free to live now, and I want to keep doing it. I’m going to clear my head and find the happiness in what I am doing, stop looking at it like it’s work or a chore. It is what makes me feel good.