Month: September 2022

The trials of being patient

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Know how it feels when you really want something, but you have to wait for it? It’s like you’re being teased by the universe. You know what it is. You know what you want. You even know what you have to do to get it. Yet, it’s just not getting to you fast enough.

Weight loss is a lot like that. You know what you need to do. Relearn how you eat. Relearn how you approach food. Learn to be active. Learn to pacify you inner child/demons/neuroses without food. And keep doing it. It is a lot of long, hard work to do to undo the harm you’ve done to yourself over the years.

Sometimes, it’s kind of like that cartoon where the woman ate a salad then weighs to see if she lost any weight, yet. You know you’re doing the right things. You know it’s hard to do the right things. It seems like it’s taking forever for you have progress toward your goal. It makes it difficult to keep working at weight loss. I don’t know about you, but I can easily gain 5-6 lbs in one day. Losing, not so much. I’ve averaged about 1 pound a week. Some weeks I manage more. Every now and then I go the wrong way. But, I am getting there.

Maybe it would be easier if I could actually see that I’m making progress. No one just comes up to me and says “Wow! You’ve lost a lot of weight!” No one except my WW coach gives me validation. I look in the mirror, and I don’t see any difference. I “know” I’m down 114 lbs. I don’t “feel” I’m down 114lbs. I guess I should, but I don’t. Even though I can list a lot of ways that show me I am succeeding at losing weight. I can sit in my car seat without my belly rubbing against the steering wheel, by several inches. My pants that I wore just a couple of months ago, now fall off of me. My underwear is even falling off of me! I can fit in the booth at a restaurant. So why don’t I see it?

It is true, I’m still wearing my clothes as large and loose as possible. I don’t feel safe in clothes that actually let someone see my body. When I look in the mirror, I still see a huge blob of fat. Every now and then, I’ll catch sight of myself in a mirror and not realize it is me at first. When I do that, I usually think “Wow! I don’t look so bad!”

I’m still not where I want to be. I need to keep losing weight. Another 100 lbs. or so. My doctor says she’d be cool with another 80. I just have to be patient with the process. It will work. It is working. I need to keep reminding myself that it is successful, and I will get there. I write it in my journal. I write it here. I meditate on it. I reflect on it. It WILL happen.

The losing battle with food

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Sigh. I have gone from plenty of points on WW to having to stretch them out. Every decade I’ve lost has meant losing a point from my daily allowance. At times, it seems so unfair. I’ve worked hard and come far, but I have to keep working even harder. Is it worth it?

I do feel better. I fit in public places now. I’ve gone from a size 32 to a 28, and those are starting to fall off of me. My husband says I’m even more beautiful (yes, he does wear glasses). I’m rewarding myself with nonfood items. But, I still love food. I’m learning not to use it to fill the empty space inside. I’m learning that if I slow down and pay attention, the food does actually taste good. I’m learning that no one is going to take my food away from me. I’m learning that I won’t run out of food if I don’t eat every bite I can stuff down my throat. There will be more food later, if I actually need it. I’m getting more and more active. I’ve gone from barely a 1,000 steps a day to nearly 5,000 steps a day. All positive things. So why am I bothered that I can’t eat as much as I used to?

Up until the last year, I stuffed myself with all the food I could get, no matter what it tasted like or whether or not it was good for me. I tried to fill the emptiness with the food. I tried to think I was in control and not a food addict. Trust me, the food was calliing all of the shots. So what changed?

I finally found a doctor who was willing to help me lose weight without forcing me to have surgery. I’m on Ozempic, which slows down my appetite; Vyvanse to help me stop the binges. It is worth the upset stomach to have help eating less. Of course, it only hurts when I try to eat too much, so it’s negative reinforcement of my eating behaviors.

These days, I try to eat like a skinny person. Not the one who eats tons and never gains an ounce. The one that doesn’t let food rule them. I have learned, it is true, the first few bites taste the best. If you eat slowly and pay attention to your food, you do get satisfied with a lot less. Taking time to prepare good, healthy food does make you appreciate the good food. If I don’t eat all of my meal, I either save it for lunch the next day or put it in the trash. I once heard at a WW meeting, it either goes to waste or the waist. You don’t have to be a member of the clean plate club. The starving children in the rest of the world won’t be any better off if you eat everything or don’t.

So, back to my original conundrum. Why does it bother me that I am getting 11 fewer points now than when I started? My weekly points have even gone down by 7. That bothers me, too. I know I don’t need to eat as much. There isn’t as much of me to feed. I actually find that I rarely want to stuff myself like I used to. I know I’ll feel better physically and mentally if I eat until I’m satisfied, not full.

What is going on in my head? I suspect that I am feeling rebelious, like a child. Maybe my inner child is the voice in my head throwing a fit about having fewer points. I need to find a way to handle the voice and continue on my journey. I write about it in my journal. I am trying to shift my point of view. Instead of viewing the new point number as a loss, I am trying to train myself to see it in my mind and feel it in my heart as an accomplishment. I’ve worked hard not to need so much food. I am getting there. I’ve lost 110 lbs. so far. That is something I can be proud of. I am succeeding. I am not losing. I am winning.

Move that body

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I have to admit that I have a tough time getting myself to exercise. I’d much rather read a book or do some crafts. But, sitting is the new smoking, so shouldn’t I try to do something about it?

I actually feel good when I work out. The endorphins and the accelerated pulse make me feel physically good. The act of doing the work out makes me feel pride in myself and hope that I will reach my health goals. I even have time to work out. So why do I struggle to keep it going?

As my WW leader says, you can lose weight without exercise, but you’ll never maintain it unless you stay active. I know this is true. So why have I kept working out in bursts and not kept it up? I feel good when I do it, so what reasons do I have to NOT work out?

Some of it comes from my depression and desire to crawl into a nice dark corner and hide from the world. I know people think I’m disgusting to look at because I am fat. I always feel stressed when I eat in front of strangers. I’m sure they are thinking that I don’t need to eat and that I waddle everywhere I go. I just know they think I’m as graceful as a walrus. So you definitely won’t catch me doing a public workout.

So, what to do? First of all, I need to find my own safe place and time to exercise. I need to know I won’t be judged or ridiculed. So, I work out at home, away from prying eyes. Secondly, I have to remind myself that it actually feels good to get my body moving. Remember the endorphins and how well my body can move. Third, remember my goal. I am going to lose another 90-100 lbs. It will take some time, but I will get there. Faster if I keep moving than if I don’t move.

Every morning I walk laps in my house. A couple times a week I hide in my bedroom and workout with weights and pilates. I keep reminding myself that it is good for me. I use cheerleading statements to keep myself going. Music helps maintain my momentum. And I do see progress. I’m down 110 lbs. now. I have worked hard to do it, and I’ll keep on working and moving my body.