Emotional eating. The bane of my dieting existence. Why do I do it? To avoid my feelings? To have an illusion of control? Both of them?

This month Weight Watchers is talking about eating (when/where/what/why). Emotional eating definitely has been discussed. It helps to hear others’ ways of dealing with the problems and urges. Get busy doing a craft. Go for a walk. Talk to a friend. Journal. Most of them are strategies that distract you from the urge. I find that doesn’t work for me. I have to take the urge by the horns, break it down, and deal with it. If you can distract yourself until it passes, great! I just can’t when I’m really in the throes of a binge.

We all eat based on emotions to some extent. Some of us handle it well. Being in the mood for nachos and eating 3 or 4 chips and being satisfied. Then there are people like me, who eat the whole platter intended to serve 4 and want more. I am applying the lesson I learned early in life. Food makes you feel better. It keeps you from being sad or lonely. It gives you the feeling that you are in control of something in your life. All are misleading. The feelings are still there. You are just as powerless to control things when you’re eating. In fact, you are even more out of control, thanks to the power of food.

I’ve been struggling the past few days. It was a year ago that my mother fell, broke her hip and went into rehab. She never came out. I spent May watching her slow, painful death. I think it was her MS ultimately. At the end, she couldn’t see, speak, eat, or anything. I still feel like I should have been able to do more. So of course, I’ve been eating things left and right. Anything that isn’t tied down looks appetizing. I’m trying to stop feeling bad and start feeling like I do have some power to exert control over the world. It isn’t working. 😦

I needed to stop and think. Reflect. Be mindful. I sat down with my journal, and listed all the things that I think are making me feel bad and powerless. Once I had that list, for each item I wrote the facts of the situation. Next, I wrote my feelings and irrational thoughts for each thing. Then, I wrote what I could actually do and how to do it for each thing. Finally, I made a plan of action, acknowledged my feelings and accepted that I cannot control everything or fix everything for my loved ones.

And you know what? I actually stopped eating everything in sight. I know I’m not the one in total control, but I noted my abilities to affect change or improvement. I told myself it’s OK to be grieving my mom. It’s OK to want to help everyone. It’s also OK to do what I can and then let the rest go. It isn’t easy. It took lots of work for me to reach this point. Meditation. Reflection. Journaling. Therapy. Hard work. I have earned my peace of mind and I have learned how to develop it for myself. You see, you can’t rely on someone else to soothe the pain or lessen the fear. You have to do it for yourself.

Once you’ve taken care of your thoughts, letting them go like clouds scuttling across the sky, you find contentment and inner joy in life. The need to eat everything dissipates. You can use your lifestyle tools to eat sensibly and feel satisfied. You can go on with life and love yourself.