I know you’ve all felt it. The overwhelming urgent need to eat a ton of food in a very short period of time. Cheeseburgers and cake are my 2 main go to’s. I remember in high school, I would eat an entire quarter sheet cake and all of the sugary icing in 10 minutes. I was obviously trying to comfort and reassure myself, but at the time all I could think was that I was in control while I bought and ate the cake. Now, I know that is not the case. I am a food addict. It’s really hard to stop. After all, you can’t go cold turkey. You have to eat to live.

I’ve spent years in therapy and at Weight Watchers (WW). Slowly learning how to take care of myself and stop self harming by shoveling food into my body like it was a trash heap. No one deserves to be treated like that by anyone. I know that now. Sometimes I even feel it. That’s the hard part. Reconciling the feelings, habits, and knowledge into agreement.

I spend a lot of time writing out my feelings. Getting them out of my head. Often it goes like this, I list all the things that are bothering me in a numbered list. Then, I expand the list by listing all the details and facts about each item. Next, I write down a list of things I can do for each thing. Finally, I plan what to do to address the problem. It gets all of the chaos out of my mind. It helps me see the difference between my facts and feelings. It helps me feel in control.

Now, I’m applying this to my weight. When I feel a binge coming on, I try to stop to analyze why I’m feeling the urge. This helps in 2 ways. The first is that it simply takes time that sometimes allows to urge to pass. Second, it helps me let the feelings pass and focus on what is really happening. For example, I was craving a McDonald’s binge a week ago. I normally would order 5 cheeseburgers, a quarter pounder, a McChicken or 2, and fries and sundaes. In the past, I would have devoured it without even tasting it or pausing to think if I were hungry. Last week, I stopped and wrote instead. I listed my problems (money, weight, loneliness, worries about work). Then, I wrote down the facts for each category. I made a tree diagram and color coded it so I could really see what was happening. After that, I wrote what would be all the options, positive and negative (spend the money and gorge, save the money and eat a sandwich, save the money and not eat, etc.). After a few minutes, I decided the best course of action was to not order McDondalds. Instead, I had a salad with grilled chicken breast made from things in my refrigerator. A win/win. I ate healthy, instead of carrying out my unhealthy relationship with food. I saved money, which lowered my worries about paying bills.

Granted, it is hard to always stop yourself and journal instead of eat. I still slip up. But, I am getting stronger and better at taking good care of myself. Showing myself some good love.

I’ve lost 10 pounds in the last 2 weeks. Yippy! It is an effort, but I think it is worth it.