Month: February 2020

It’s finally winter!

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Well, it finally snowed last night. It was like Mother Nature remembered it is winter. It was beautiful. I’ve always liked the way the snow makes everything bright and clean and perfect. It hides the dirt and grime underneath. Some people are like that. They smile and laugh with everyone, but inside is rotten and full of pain. I’ve done that many times. You feel that no one will understand the real you, so you fake it and act like society tells you to. It doesn’t help you in the long run. I’m not sure it even works in the short term. You make the others feel comfortable and happy, but you don’t help yourself.

I’ve worked hard to find my inner peace and serenity. I finally feel congruent, the same inside and outside. I know some people would prefer that I be Miss Perky Bubbles, but that is not me. Those that actually matter to me, know and understand that is not me. They accept that I am more than sunshine and rainbows. I have storm clouds and tornadoes and hurricanes inside me. I sometimes have hard freezes when I don’t let anyone in to my comfort zone. That’s OK. It’s all part of the weather, and without it life wouldn’t work on this planet. I wouldn’t function as a human being without my internal weather. My climate is temperate, subject to changing fronts and seasons. My life thrives under those conditions.

Very few people can live being constantly sunny. Even the happiest people acknowledge the existence of sadness, pain, and need. They have learned that you cannot grow without both extremes and everything in the middle. Your garden won’t grow if it’s always dry sun, or always freezing cold, or torrential rain. It needs the warmth of the sun to make food. It needs the cold to take a break and rest and repair. It needs the rain to soak up so it can move the nutrients around and stand proudly under the sun. Just like us.

Another Year, Another Chance

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Well, I’m another year older. I don’t really feel like I’m that old, but my students would tell me that I am. I have been working hard to treat myself well and be healthier in every way. Self care is big on my to do list. How am I going to do it this year, if I’ve not managed it ever before?

Mindfulness. DBT skills. Self soothing. Crafting. Writing. Those are my weapons of choice against the dreadful inertia of apathy that I have suffered from for so long. If you don’t do anything, nothing will change. So, time to put on my big girl panties and go to work. I am feeling better about myself, now. Modern psychiatry is a wonderful thing. I have a great therapist. For the first time in therapy, I actually feel progress and change. I am actually applying all the skills I’ve spent the past 8 years learning. I feel like a seed, buried in the cold ground. I can feel the sun is up there, and the rain is getting me ready to join the world.

I am making more things. I am crocheting a table runner for my mother, for her Mother’s Day gift. It is ironic that I will put so much time into her gift, when she has always made herself feel better at my expense. But, I do it because I actually enjoy making something beautiful, not because of her. I can’t count on her to validate me. I have learned to validate myself. And I will do that by showing myself what a lovely item I can make.

I am eagerly awaiting the Spring! I have gardening plans and tons of seeds waiting for their chance to grow. Veggies. Herbs. Flowers. I love them all. I used to enjoy working in the garden when I was a kid. Mom had me do it because she said that she was too pale to be out in the sun so much. That turned out to be a good thing for me. I loved it outside and growing things has become a life long love. The work you do, shows and rewards you, no matter what anyone else says or does.

I am starting to branch out a bit, and talk about more things than just DBT. I hope that shows how DBT and mindfulness apply to all the facets of your life. It will help you heal and support yourself, even when no one else will.