Here I go, again. I was doing well. Being productive. Losing weight. Making my doctor happy. Feeling good. And then, like a ton of lead, it hit me.

I suddenly want to do nothing but eat and hide in my bedroom. I feel empty. I feel disgusting. I feel unwanted and unneeded. I am undoing all the good that I had done. Why?

Am I so afraid of change and progress? Do I really hate myself? Am I really so disgusting? Am I really am empty void of nothingness?

No. To all of those, well, I do kind of hate myself, but I’m working on it. I deserve good things. I deserve contentment and serenity. I deserve to feel well. So, what am I going to do about my mixed up feelings?

First, meditate and relate to my greater power. I need to find the peace and purpose within my life that only mediation and spirituality can provide. I need to know there is something greater than me out there, and that I matter to it.

Second, accept that I’ve spent 50 years being the fat girl and was abused a good 25 of those years. That pain will always be there. I have to learn to let it go and not let it control me. Feelings will pass like clouds in the sky. The sky, like me, persists no matter what the clouds do.

Third, get in control of what I am doing. I know how to take care of myself and do good things for myself. So, I need an action plan. My plan:

1. Keep doing the Weight Watchers program.
   1. track
   2. weigh and measure
   3. plan
   4. eat healthy foods
2. Be active
   1. walk daily
   2. workout every other day
   3. keep up with my garden
   4. craft/create
3. Meditate and be mindful
   1. meditate daily
   2. use Calm and other apps
   3. accept what is
   4. don’t let the past overcome today
   5. use my DBT workbooks
4. Express myself
   1. make things through crafts
   2. write, the blog and pen pals and journal

To coordinate it all, I will keep my daily planner going and reach out to friends for support and helping me with kind accountability. You know, like a plant lets you know when you are taking good care of it or need to do something different. The plant doesn’t shout or curse or fuss, it just accepts what you give it and reacts accordingly. Your mind and body accept and react accordingly, too. Take loving care of yourself, and you will thrive!