I am slipping into an oozing pool of blackness. My depression and BPD and PSTD are getting the better of me, lately. I’m not sleeping, and that makes it even harder to function by day. So, do I give in? Do I fight? I think I’m going to fight.

I am going to relearn my coping skills by going through my DBT manual. It will be like putting on your favorite pj’s and crawling into your safe bed. The work will make me stronger and healthier. I have to remember, even when I feel better, I’m not totally well. I’m like a broken terracotta pot that is held together by twine. Most of the time the pot can hold the soil and the plant within, but if it is over watered or the plant gets too big, the pot has problems. Most of the time, I can handle the stresses of daily life, but sometimes, someone will tell me something or do something that just totally throws me off balance. This time, I think it’s a combination of loneliness and hearing that some of my coworkers think I get “special treatment” that I don’t deserve.

I’ve worked hard to get where I am. I don’t think I get any special treatment. I’m expected to do my share of the work, and not only do I do it, I do it well. I help train others because I have more experience. I don’t think that’s special treatment; I can’t think of any other thing that sets me apart. It really hurt to hear that. I know I should use my Wise Mind and temper it with logical facts, but it has kept eating at me since I heard it 2 weeks ago. I need to blow it off like blowing the seeds of a dandelion. Watch it go, and know that it may grow somewhere else, but it won’t be in my space.

The loneliness is another thing. I can’t seem to shake my feeling of abandonment. I need to engage in some self soothing, instead of being lost in my mind like a prospector lost in the desert. The longer he stays in the desert, the worse it gets. No nourishment. No company. No shelter. I need to provide myself comfort and diversions. Break out the coloring book. Read a new book. Do some crafts to show I can make something worth while. I need to avoid food, though.

I used to turn to food to fill the emptiness. I’m working hard not to fall into that trap, again. I am eating healthier foods, because I’m planning ahead and not bringing the junk into my house. It’s my addiction. Sugar, fats, baked goods, greasy/salty potatoes. All they do is make me feel like a failure when I give in. I’m not getting on that treadmill, again. I’m down 65 pounds, and I have a long way to go. I am determined to get there.

So, what I need to do:

1. DBT refresher
2. Keep tracking my food (I am in Weight Watchers for the support)
3. Keep working out
4. Gardening and crafting to give me purpose
5. Journal to get the darkness out of my head
6. Get some quality sleep
7. Reach out to friends
8. Be patient
9. Keep trying
10. Love myself!