Here I go, again. I was doing well. Being productive. Losing weight. Making my doctor happy. Feeling good. And then, like a ton of lead, it hit me.

I suddenly want to do nothing but eat and hide in my bedroom. I feel empty. I feel disgusting. I feel unwanted and unneeded. I am undoing all the good that I had done. Why?

Am I so afraid of change and progress? Do I really hate myself? Am I really so disgusting? Am I really am empty void of nothingness?

No. To all of those, well, I do kind of hate myself, but I’m working on it. I deserve good things. I deserve contentment and serenity. I deserve to feel well. So, what am I going to do about my mixed up feelings?

First, meditate and relate to my greater power. I need to find the peace and purpose within my life that only mediation and spirituality can provide. I need to know there is something greater than me out there, and that I matter to it.

Second, accept that I’ve spent 50 years being the fat girl and was abused a good 25 of those years. That pain will always be there. I have to learn to let it go and not let it control me. Feelings will pass like clouds in the sky. The sky, like me, persists no matter what the clouds do.

Third, get in control of what I am doing. I know how to take care of myself and do good things for myself. So, I need an action plan. My plan:

1. Keep doing the Weight Watchers program.
   1. track
   2. weigh and measure
   3. plan
   4. eat healthy foods
2. Be active
   1. walk daily
   2. workout every other day
   3. keep up with my garden
   4. craft/create
3. Meditate and be mindful
   1. meditate daily
   2. use Calm and other apps
   3. accept what is
   4. don’t let the past overcome today
   5. use my DBT workbooks
4. Express myself
   1. make things through crafts
   2. write, the blog and pen pals and journal

To coordinate it all, I will keep my daily planner going and reach out to friends for support and helping me with kind accountability. You know, like a plant lets you know when you are taking good care of it or need to do something different. The plant doesn’t shout or curse or fuss, it just accepts what you give it and reacts accordingly. Your mind and body accept and react accordingly, too. Take loving care of yourself, and you will thrive!

I am slipping into an oozing pool of blackness. My depression and BPD and PSTD are getting the better of me, lately. I’m not sleeping, and that makes it even harder to function by day. So, do I give in? Do I fight? I think I’m going to fight.

I am going to relearn my coping skills by going through my DBT manual. It will be like putting on your favorite pj’s and crawling into your safe bed. The work will make me stronger and healthier. I have to remember, even when I feel better, I’m not totally well. I’m like a broken terracotta pot that is held together by twine. Most of the time the pot can hold the soil and the plant within, but if it is over watered or the plant gets too big, the pot has problems. Most of the time, I can handle the stresses of daily life, but sometimes, someone will tell me something or do something that just totally throws me off balance. This time, I think it’s a combination of loneliness and hearing that some of my coworkers think I get “special treatment” that I don’t deserve.

I’ve worked hard to get where I am. I don’t think I get any special treatment. I’m expected to do my share of the work, and not only do I do it, I do it well. I help train others because I have more experience. I don’t think that’s special treatment; I can’t think of any other thing that sets me apart. It really hurt to hear that. I know I should use my Wise Mind and temper it with logical facts, but it has kept eating at me since I heard it 2 weeks ago. I need to blow it off like blowing the seeds of a dandelion. Watch it go, and know that it may grow somewhere else, but it won’t be in my space.

The loneliness is another thing. I can’t seem to shake my feeling of abandonment. I need to engage in some self soothing, instead of being lost in my mind like a prospector lost in the desert. The longer he stays in the desert, the worse it gets. No nourishment. No company. No shelter. I need to provide myself comfort and diversions. Break out the coloring book. Read a new book. Do some crafts to show I can make something worth while. I need to avoid food, though.

I used to turn to food to fill the emptiness. I’m working hard not to fall into that trap, again. I am eating healthier foods, because I’m planning ahead and not bringing the junk into my house. It’s my addiction. Sugar, fats, baked goods, greasy/salty potatoes. All they do is make me feel like a failure when I give in. I’m not getting on that treadmill, again. I’m down 65 pounds, and I have a long way to go. I am determined to get there.

So, what I need to do:

1. DBT refresher
2. Keep tracking my food (I am in Weight Watchers for the support)
3. Keep working out
4. Gardening and crafting to give me purpose
5. Journal to get the darkness out of my head
6. Get some quality sleep
7. Reach out to friends
8. Be patient
9. Keep trying
10. Love myself!