I’ve been out of touch for a while. I had the flu (yes, I had gotten the shot) and was out of commission for a couple of weeks. Then, my computer died on me. That’s all OK and water under the bridge. On the bright side, I got a new computer and got out of going to see family that I didn’t really care to see. And, I had some time to think.

I realized that I haven’t been taking good care of myself. I’ve been living in “what-if-land” instead of staying in the present and being mindful. I was working very hard on improving my health and mental status. Eating better food. Walking and working out. Then, for some reason, I just stopped. It was almost like I was punishing myself or afraid to succeed. Why?

I know I’ll always be the fat, ugly girl in part of my mind, even though I know it is not true. I have people telling me that I look great. I don’t look my age and they can tell I’ve lost a lot of weight. So, why do I let the little voice in my head tell me that they are lying? It is ridiculous of me to call everyone a liar. I need to learn to accept the compliments and not look for the attack that I used to think was coming. Wise Mind says that it’s OK to feel emotions, but you have to temper them with logic and reason. It is not logical that everyone would lie to me. I have to balance my reaction. I do deserve to be happy and healthy. This punishment of myself must end. I need to stop being afraid of change, too.

Taking care of myself is new and different for me. I spent most of my life trying not to live or be hurt. I was never happy. Now, I know that I can be happy and content with my life. I know I can take better care of myself and have a better life. Focus on the here and now. Don’t anticipate failure or pain. They are part of life, but I can pick myself up and go on with living. I don’t have to be stuck in the misery. Let go of the pain from the past. Accept the beauty of now. There are good things in life. Healthy food tastes good, too. You can still have chocolate, just not a ton of it. Moderation in all things; material things and emotions and responses.

I watch other people struggling with whether or not they deserve contentment and peace. I understand their problems. I have had them for years. Feeling inadequate, undeserving, hopeless, useless. I know those things are not true for anyone. I have an easier time explaining that to others, than reminding myself. I am enough. I deserve serenity. I will be content and satisfied with my life. Everyone should.