Month: January 2019

Learning not to hate myself

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Why is it so hard to love yourself? I know I was told all my life that there was nothing good or useful about me. It worked very well at making me doubt my worth in any sense of the word. Good job Mom, Dad, and family!

I have been fighting with this problem in particular for the past couple of weeks. I haven’t been taking good care of myself, and I feel it. Forget wise mind or mindfulness. I’ve been on a self-destruct pathway that is leading me straight to an inner hell. I feel so totally empty and unhappy with myself. I know that if I start taking better care of myself I’ll be happier and healthier. I need to use my wise mind and balance the feelings with the things I need to do. It is OK to feel unsure, or sad. For my best life, I need to let them pass and move on after acknowledging them. I need to use them to locate the cause(s) of my stress and negative behaviors. Once I’ve done that, I can be mindful and present in the moment. Addressing the issues and doing something about them to improve my life. For example, my boss has been really stressed about changes at work. I have allowed her feelings to become my feelings, even though I don’t need to do so. As a result, I’ve felt hopeless and powerless, which lead to poor choices in what and how much I have eaten and how active I’ve been. That caused me to gain back some of the weight I’ve lost. That made me feel like a failure and angry at myself. So, now that I’ve unraveled the feelings to their source, I can act upon them and improve things.

  1. Let go of the stress. It isn’t even mine.
  2. Plan for better eating. Shop for healthy food, not junk.
  3. Start walking, again.
  4. Keep journaling. The thoughts in my head need an outlet, or else they fester and make things worse.
  5. Reach out to friends. Know that they see me as a worthwhile person, worthy of good things.
  6. Stop letting the scale dictate my self worth.
  7. Focus on the good that I have done. Let go of the bad.

So, be mindful. Use wise mind and self soothing strategies. Move ahead and let go of the bad.

Why is it so hard to see the good?

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I know that I will be happier if I look for the good, be grateful, and stop expecting and judging. So, why is it so hard to do those things?

Because I’m human. People seem to automatically look for the worst possible things and judge each other instantaneously. We’re taught to do that from the cradle. It’s hard to unlearn those behaviors. Learning to be mindful and shift my mind set is hard. I’ve worked hard in therapy to learn skills to make it possible and not let my emotions rule me. Judging leads me to negative emotions. I need to learn to let go. To integrate the passing of thoughts and emotions like clouds in the sky into my brain. It is difficult to do. I often catch myself still expecting and judging, but I am getting better at noticing it and stopping to reframe my thoughts into a more positive format.

Accept; don’t expect. You’ll be far happier and feel better about the world. When you accept, you can see the beauty in everything and feel love and kindness for everyone. That is a goal worth striving for.

I’m Back

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I’ve been out of touch for a while. I had the flu (yes, I had gotten the shot) and was out of commission for a couple of weeks. Then, my computer died on me. That’s all OK and water under the bridge. On the bright side, I got a new computer and got out of going to see family that I didn’t really care to see. And, I had some time to think.

I realized that I haven’t been taking good care of myself. I’ve been living in “what-if-land” instead of staying in the present and being mindful. I was working very hard on improving my health and mental status. Eating better food. Walking and working out. Then, for some reason, I just stopped. It was almost like I was punishing myself or afraid to succeed. Why?

I know I’ll always be the fat, ugly girl in part of my mind, even though I know it is not true. I have people telling me that I look great. I don’t look my age and they can tell I’ve lost a lot of weight. So, why do I let the little voice in my head tell me that they are lying? It is ridiculous of me to call everyone a liar. I need to learn to accept the compliments and not look for the attack that I used to think was coming. Wise Mind says that it’s OK to feel emotions, but you have to temper them with logic and reason. It is not logical that everyone would lie to me. I have to balance my reaction. I do deserve to be happy and healthy. This punishment of myself must end. I need to stop being afraid of change, too.

Taking care of myself is new and different for me. I spent most of my life trying not to live or be hurt. I was never happy. Now, I know that I can be happy and content with my life. I know I can take better care of myself and have a better life. Focus on the here and now. Don’t anticipate failure or pain. They are part of life, but I can pick myself up and go on with living. I don’t have to be stuck in the misery. Let go of the pain from the past. Accept the beauty of now. There are good things in life. Healthy food tastes good, too. You can still have chocolate, just not a ton of it. Moderation in all things; material things and emotions and responses.

I watch other people struggling with whether or not they deserve contentment and peace. I understand their problems. I have had them for years. Feeling inadequate, undeserving, hopeless, useless. I know those things are not true for anyone. I have an easier time explaining that to others, than reminding myself. I am enough. I deserve serenity. I will be content and satisfied with my life. Everyone should.